


Bittersweet

by tell_tale_heart



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-11 07:58:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 113,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5619493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tell_tale_heart/pseuds/tell_tale_heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki Ken knew Kirishima Ayato when they were children.  Years later, he happens to run into him again by chance, and they begin seeing each other.  They are perfect for one another.  Until almost two years into their relationship and Kaneki discovers some troubling news about his boyfriend.  Some time passes, he graduates college, and is offered a job at Tsukiyama Group.  He meets Shuu, an intriguing man who seems to be interested in Kaneki.  But is he really ready to move on from Ayato?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I originally wrote a one-shot (which will become chapter 6 or so of this work) with the full intention of making it a much longer work. I haven't tagged all the characters/relationships yet, because I don't want it to be spoiled. Though they will get tagged when appropriate. Let me know what you think!
> 
> Chapter 11 will be up by 6/15.

It had been a long night at work. The coffee shop had been slow for most of the day, and then Koma had left around 7pm, excited for a date with his girlfriend. Then all hell seemed to have broken loose and Kaneki had been besieged with what seemed like practically the whole city coming in to get a double espresso or a vanilla latte or a smoothie. He had tiredly locked the door at 9pm, cleaned up the aftermath, and then put his head on the counter. He just wanted to go home. Hopefully Touka and Hide had made dinner or ordered pizza. He was starving. Kaneki lifted the front of his shirt to his nose, sniffing himself. He reeked of coffee beans. "Ugh," he groaned.  That smell would stay with him forever.

Kaneki hung up his apron in the backroom of the shop and then put on his blue hoodie. It was January, and the weather had trended on the crisp and cool side lately. He reminded himself AGAIN to get his winter coat out from the depths of his closet, but he knew that he would forget about it long before he got home. The barista made his way out the door, taking a last look at everything to make sure he had cleaned thoroughly. It would not do to get chewed out by Touka for when she came in for her shift in the morning.

Once outside, he shivered in the cold, and then put up his hood. Yeah, definitely on the frigid side tonight, he thought.  Kaneki locked up, and then headed toward home, a walk of about 15 minutes or so. He enjoyed these walks home, reveling in the tranquility of the night. Time seemed to move slower here, and he was able to look into the night sky at the shining stars and just let his mind wander. No need to rush to make the next drink or heat up a pastry. Kaneki could daydream about literature and philosophy and science. He was contemplating his favorite author's latest work, turning a corner, when he walked bodily into someone that had come around that same corner in front of him.

"Ahhh!" He felt himself losing his balance, but then strong arms righted him.

"Oh hey, sorry--" a short pause, "Kaneki? Kaneki Ken?"

Kaneki exhaled, relieved that he hadn't fallen over. But then confused. Who was this? He got a closer look at the person opposite him. Strong, sturdy hands gripped his shoulders, and the stranger was about the same height as his own 5 foot 7 frame, maybe just a tad taller. He finally looked at the man's face. A delicate chin rose to thin cheekbones. A small, shapely mouth was currently open after asking a question. Kaneki's eyes panned up, continuing their sojourn up the man's face. His eyes were undeniably a beautiful, impossible shade of blue-violet. Black locks tipped with a vivid dark blue shaped his face.

Kaneki processed this within a few seconds. For some reason, he felt himself flushing even while recognizing the person in front of him.

"Ayato?"

"Yeah! How have you been? Sorry for almost taking you out there. How long has it been? Three, four years maybe?"

Kaneki didn't know. He was dumbfounded. He had been seemingly struck stupid by Ayato's presence, he who was never affected this way by the environment or circumstances. Later on, he would be able to remember the exact time and date since he had last seen Kirishima Ayato. But not right now.

"Are you . . . okay?" Ayato raised an eyebrow in concern, removing his warm hands from Kaneki. The barista shivered. Cold.

"Oh yeah. Sorry. I've just had a long day of coffee-making. I'm good! Just doing the whole school thing, you know. How about you?" Kaneki recovered himself, able to gaze fully at TOUKA'S LITTLE BROTHER. TOUKA'S. LITTLE. BROTHER. Four years younger than him.

Ayato shrugged, "I'm good, too." Kaneki felt himself involuntarily gazing over the younger male's features, delicate and beautiful but strong. When did he become so . . . attractive? STOP IT, he thought. He shook himself a little.

"You've gotten . . . taller." Oh god, he sounded like an idiot.

Ayato rubbed at the back of his head. "Yeah, well, you haven't seen since I was 14 or so, so that'll do it."

Kaneki felt slightly panicky. "Were you looking for Touka?"

"Nah, I was just headed home." Ayato shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat. "You busy right now? Want to get a drink or something?"

Kaneki felt a blush stain his cheeks. Get a hold of yourself, he thought fervently. "That'd be great." Hadn't he just been lamenting to himself about how tired he was?

 

* * *

 

Ayato led the way to a dive bar, a local hole in the wall place where apparently he was known and had no trouble getting in and passing. Kaneki himself had turned 22 last month, which would make Ayato 18? He wondered how the younger male knew the employees, but shrugged. Touka had been silent on the topic of her brother for years now, so Ayato was somewhat of a mystery to him.

The two males found an intimate corner of the bar to chat in, settling into a small half-moon booth. It was on the second level, and no other patrons disturbed them by their presence. It was a Wednesday night, after all, the main bar occupied by regulars and the rare passerby. Kaneki found that he and Ayato lacked in no subject to discuss. Conversation flowed easily between the two of them. He noticed, however, that Ayato seemed to be somewhat reserved. He rarely seemed to spare a smile. And though he always seemed to be focused on the conversation, he didn't always meet Kaneki's eyes when speaking. The older male wondered what that was all about.

They discussed Kaneki's study in college (business with a minor in English literature) and Ayato's current job. He was a cashier in a convenience store. Kaneki was confused. Both Touka and Ayato had been brilliant in school as far as he knew, so he didn't know why Ayato wasn't enrolled in college. He didn't receive a clear answer on that subject. When the younger male spoke, Kaneki found himself staring at the other's face, taken in by his strong beauty and engaging charisma.

"Kaneki? Are you . . . alright?"

Kaneki flushed. Dammit, he thought. He clearly saw you staring the fuck out of him.

"I was just wondering. Is the blue in your hair a result of Touka?" Touka worked at a hair salon on the weekends in order to help pay her way through school. He himself had naturally dark brown hair, but Touka had needed a hair model and he had let himself be talked into getting his hair dyed white. White, of all colors. Surprisingly, he was happy with the results and had kept it that color.

"Yeah." Ayato smiled. "She did this about a month ago?" He worked his fingers through the ends of his hair. "I kinda like it."

"It suits you." The words escaped from Kaneki's mouth before he could stop them. He felt himself redden, and looked off to the side, embarrassed.

"Thank you."

Their conversation resumed after Kaneki somewhat convinced himself that Ayato hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary. The bar got a little more crowded, and the volume of the background music was turned up, resulting in the atmosphere becoming louder. Kaneki couldn't hear Ayato as well anymore, so when the younger male scooted a little closer to him and casually placed an arm on the booth that was behind him, Kaneki figured it was just so that his companion could hear the conversation better. He could now identify the scent that was emanating off of Ayato. The clean smell of laundry detergent with the unmistakable scent of cigarettes. Kaneki found himself leaning his face to the side and taking a deep breath in. If he was being honest with himself, he wanted to bury his face in the side of Ayato's neck and taste him. I've had too much to drink, he thought. One drink on an empty stomach had him buzzed and lusting after a teenager. With that realization hitting home, Kaneki leaned back quickly into the booth, coming into contact with Ayato's arm.

Don't make this awkward, he thought. Sit like this for a minute and then move. Nonchalantly. But then he felt soft fingertips begin to graze the side of his neck. Was Ayato . . . hitting on him? His touch felt . . . like electric. It sent tingles through this body, speeding up his blood flow. Suddenly, his face felt way too hot.

"You still talk to Brett at all?" Ayato asked suddenly, seemingly interested in looking at his drink.

Brett was Kaneki's jerkbag ex from high school. He hadn't known that the younger male was even aware of whom he dated. He blinked, confused as to why this question would pop up. Maybe Ayato was running out of things to talk to him about.

"No. Noooo. I haven't seen him or even talked to him for over a year now? A little longer?"

Ayato nodded. "You need another drink?"

"Sure."

The younger male got up to get them more drinks. Kaneki settled more comfortably in to the leather booth, rolling his shoulders, relaxing. He didn't feel tired whatsoever anymore. What exactly was going on here? He couldn't deny the fact that he had found himself growing more attracted to his younger companion. But. . . Ayato was his good friend and roommate's little brother. Who happened to also be four years younger than him. And who most likely wasn't even interested in him in the first place. He sighed, conflicted. If Hide were here right now, he would laugh at him for worrying so much and tell him to go for it. But what would Touka think? She wasn't exactly the most pleasant person to be around sometimes. Especially when she was angry.

His gaze wandered to the bar downstairs and he found himself searching for one individual in particular. He had just spotted Ayato when, in his peripheral vision, he noticed someone approaching him from the stairs.

"Hey.... what's up? I'm Naki." Kaneki felt instantly more aware of his surroundings. Who the hell was this guy? He was dressed in a cheap suit and had his blonde hair combed back across his head. His voice had an oily, whiny sound to it.  In every sense of the word, he was repulsive.

"Oh nothing much. Just here for a drink or two." He wasn't good at small talk with strangers. He was mostly awkward at forced conversation.

"You're here with that guy?" Naki gestured with his head to Ayato downstairs on the first floor. Kaneki looked over and saw the teenager glaring up at Naki with a murderous expression. He was taken aback at the ferocity he saw on Ayato's face. What??

"Yeah, I'm here with that guy." Kaneki took a long sip of his drink, draining it of its last remnants of sweet, bubbly happiness. He looked back at Naki, getting a little defensive now.

"Well, I'll have you know. That guy, Kirishima. He always meets a man here. His conquests." Slowly, Naki seemed to slither over to Kaneki, taking a long swig of his own drink, fixing crazily drunk eyes on his face.

 _Always meets a man here_ . . . Kaneki felt like an idiot. Ugh. Was Ayato just planning on getting him drunk and taking him home? Ugh ugh ugh. He felt a wave of embarrassment and shame overtake him. How could he ever imagine Ayato actually being interested in him? He, Kaneki, who was probably the most average looking individual out there?

"Yeah, he always leaves with a different guy each time." Naki continued, taking a seat quite close to Kaneki, sliding a snaky hand onto his upper thigh. He smelled like cheap cologne. And he had horrible breath. "Unlike me." He leaned in close to Kaneki's neck.

Though he had a creepy man pawing at him, Kaneki wasn't processing it. His body was stiff with mortification. His mind was solely occupied with thoughts of what might have happened, the aftermath of what would have happened.  Ayato asking him to leave and never hearing from him again.  Kaneki felt dumbfounded. He was a complete and utter fool. The beautiful younger brother of his close friend was just using him to add to the list of males he had already been with. His stomach plummeted, despite the slight happy buzz he had felt a few minutes earlier.

"He--he comes here often?" Kaneki asked in a high voice, unbuttoning the top buttons on his shirt. He was suddenly short of breath, the room too hot.

"Just about every Friday or Saturday night." Breathy voice close to his neck. He believed Naki's words wholeheartedly.

Kaneki felt his eyes close tightly, feeling an unwelcome hand work its way up his thigh. He felt sick. He felt dumb. He felt inadequate. He had to get out of here.

"Um... please don't... I'm gonna get going now..." Kaneki felt himself mumbling, hurt. He tried to stand.  But Naki's grip tightened on his thigh.

"Don't be rude. I just want to show you my appreciation for your company." Kaneki felt another hand work its way around his neck. He didn't like this he didn't like this he didn't like this.

"NAKI. YOU SHIT EATING FUCK. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I PERMANENTLY DESTROY YOUR HIDEOUS PIG DICK SUCKING FACE."

Kaneki's eyes flew open to see a furious Ayato standing in front of them, eyes narrowed and face red. He had set two drinks down on the table, but now his fists were closed tightly, his mouth turned into a fierce grimace. Kaneki was able to acknowledge the beauty of the male in front of him despite knowing he never stood a chance with him in the first place. It was bittersweet.

Naki held two hands playfully in the air. "Kirishima. Maybe next time you bring your pet somewhere else? Hmm?" He cackled crazily.

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I SAID LEAVE YOU GROSS GREASY MOTHERFUCKER." And though Ayato hadn't yelled once, Kaneki could see the dangerous threat in his eyes.

Naki stood slowly, the playful smirk disappearing. "Kirishima, when you're done with that one," here he inclined his head sideways toward Kaneki, "why don't you send him my way?" With a wink at the barista, the blond walked toward the stairs.

"And how would Jason feel about that?" Ayato called heatedly to his back. Naki froze on the stairs. Kaneki could see that Ayato was breathing hard, feet planted, face red. Ready for a fight if it came to it. Hot-headed just like his sister. Luckily, it didn't come to that. Without turning around, Naki resumed his walk down the stairs.

Kaneki felt even more embarrassed now, and awkward. He didn't know what the history was between Ayato and Naki. He stood, feeling slightly sweaty now. "Well, I'm gonna get going, Ayato. It was really nice to see you--"

"Don't." Ayato still had his fists clenched, eyes now riveted to the floor.

Kaneki stilled. "Um . . . what?"

"Don't leave now just because of what that poisonous piece of trash said."

Kaneki exhaled loudly. "Ayato, I--I'm not--um, I don't just, uhhh..." He stalled, hands gesturing meaninglessly in the air, not sure how to put his thoughts into coherent speech.

Ayato closed his eyes. "God fucking dammit. Look, I don't know what he told you. But I really want you to stay."

Kaneki squirmed as he stood, uncertain. "Ayato ....I don't want to be just another tally. That's not who I am. I, I don't meet men out . . . " He felt so fucking awkward.

Ayato opened his beautiful indigo eyes, hurt quite apparent. "Kaneki. Listen to me. That guy has hated me for a long time now. He was interested in a friend of mine a while back, got a little too aggressive about it, so I handled it. He's hated me ever since. But I'm not some whore who picks up random guys."

"He said you're here every week. I'm not some sort of ....conquest." Kaneki moved to head toward the stairs, which also made him move closer to Ayato. The younger man placed a hand on the railing, blocking Kaneki's exit.

"Kaneki. Look." He sighed. "I have left with someone here and there. But not every week. I wouldn't even say once every couple of months. That guy Naki has it in for me, though, seriously. And I didn't bring you here as some sort of conquest. I really just wanted to catch up with you. And . . . I would never treat you like that." He moved the hand that was on the railing to Kaneki's shoulder. "Please, believe me?" Said so softly and full of vulnerability.

Kaneki melted into a puddle. He believed him. He had known he was in deep water, but he also knew how to swim. Now he knew he was fucking Frosty in the middle of summer. He was done, melted, probably evaporated. Kaneki stood there, his eyes wide and body frozen with indecision about what to say.

Ayato simply gazed at Kaneki for a moment, before moving another hand to the small of Kaneki's back. He gently pushed on it, and the barista offered no resistance, moving forward a step or two. There was nothing separating the two of them, their faces in perfect alignment with each other.

Ayato moved forward slowly, gently touching his lips to Kaneki's. They moved into a natural embrace, and their kiss moved slowly, lips parting as they met over and over again. This felt good, thought Kaneki. This felt right. This felt amazing. Ayato licked Kaneki's lower lip, his body roaring with triumph when he parted his lips for him. No further encouragement needed, Ayato expertly and tantalizingly dragged his tongue across the top of Kaneki's.

Kaneki didn't know kissing could be like this. So full of emotion and attraction. He was aware that they were full-on making out in public. He didn't care. He let himself be backed into a corner, and then took this opportunity to move his head closer to Ayato's neck. Tentatively, he pressed his tongue down and lapped at the younger male's skin. Tasting him as his scent filled his senses. Oh god, Kaneki wanted more.

"Kaneki. . . we need to stop." The voice was soft at his ear.

"Stop? Why?" He kissed at the soft neck, wanting another taste.

"Because. Because we are in a public place. And continuing like this . . . I will lose control."

Oh. Kaneki moved back, embarrassed. He ran a hand through his hair. He very much wanted to continue this somewhere else. But he had just told Ayato that he wasn't the type to meet men out. What a clusterfuck of a situation.

"You. . . you want to come over for a bit?"

Kaneki's eyes flashed to the younger male's face.

"Not like that! Sorry. I just meant that maybe we could hang out, watch a movie . . . ?"

Kaneki carefully took in Ayato's expression. He seemed genuine in his offer.

"Okay."

 

* * *

 

Once inside Ayato's small apartment, he poured each of them a glass of wine.

"You want to pick out a movie?" Ayato asked, looking for some snacks. Kaneki was glad of this, because he was still starving. He had forgotten about it upon encountering Ayato, however.

"Pick out a movie? Like from Netflix?"

Ayato laughed, a wonderful sound. "No. From my collection." He turned his head from his small pantry, pointing at a bookcase. Except it wasn't filled with books. It was five full shelves of VHS tapes, two deep. What in the world? "If you don't find something you like, I have more in the hall closet . . ."

"These are VHS tapes," Kaneki stated the obvious.

"Aren't you supposed to be smart?" Ayato laughed again. "I collect them."

Kaneki raised his eyebrows. He didn't know anybody who still had a VCR. Or even a combo DVD/VHS player. Shrugging, he walked over in socked feet to gaze at the hundreds of tapes Ayato owned. They were even alphabetized. He found quite a few titles that he had never seen before, but then finally found one that he had loved watching on tv as a child. He grabbed it, a wry smile on his face as he returned to the couch where Ayato had already set their wine glasses and some cookies. He saw the title that Kaneki had selected.

"Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie?" He looked at Kaneki, amused.

"Yeah, it's great. My favorite as a kid. We could watch something else if you want?"

"I would watch anything if it put a smile like that on your face."

Kaneki felt his face redden. "And make you blush like that."

He thought he would die of embarrassment. Luckily, Ayato had some mercy and took that opportunity to turn on the tv and pop the movie into the VCR. "I actually haven't seen this one."

"I think the white ranger was my first crush as a kid," Kaneki admitted.

"Hmmm. Well looks like I don't hold a candle to this guy." Ayato knit his brows, checking out the back cover of the VHS sleeve.

"I'd say it's the other way around," Kaneki said under his breath, but by the happy look on Ayato's face, he was sure he had been heard.

They settled in to watch the movie, the only light coming from the television. Kaneki noticed that Ayato seemed to be keeping his distance. The whole walk over to the apartment, the time spent in the kitchen, even now on the couch, Ayato didn't try to touch him at all. The older male appreciated Ayato trying to prove he had meant what he said back at the bar. Yet, Kaneki found himself yearning for his touch. But what could he do without being obvious about it? They were on opposite sides of the couch.

Ayato and he talked occasionally during the movie. It was comfortable, but Kaneki grew impatient. The pleasant buzz he had had at the bar had faded away into Kaneki feeling tense with longing. He hadn't dated or even had a physical encounter with anyone since he and Brett had broken up ages ago. So he had no idea about how to go about this. Having finished his glass of wine, he still had no plan, and figured he should go home once the movie was over. He didn't want to overstay his welcome. That thought was unpleasant to him. In just a matter of hours, he had started . . . to feel strongly for Kirishima Ayato. When would be the next time he saw him?

"Well, I should be going home." He stood as the end credits appeared on the screen. "It's late, and I'm sure we are both tired." He took a few steps toward the door, but he had to pass Ayato in order to get there. To his surprise, the younger man suddenly but casually put a foot on his coffee table, effectively barring his way. Kaneki looked at him, questioningly.

"You're just gonna leave without . . . getting my phone number?" And his voice was suddenly different, sultry. Masculine. He looked up at Kaneki with heavy-lidded indigo eyes, slowing sipping his wine.

That demon. That torturer of souls. That seductor. That evil, evil man. Kaneki felt his breathing slightly accelerate. He was lost. He tried to take a step sideways, but that path was now blocked by Ayato's other leg. He was flustered.

Slowly, Ayato stood, leaving an unmeasurably small amount of space between them. "Don't you want it?" he whispered, his warm and sweet breath filling Kaneki's nose.

Kaneki's mouth dropped open, reddening. Ayato was doing this to him on purpose. Making him make the first move. He suddenly didn't care anymore about the things Naki said to him, the things he didn't even believe. All of his apprehensions vanished. Something must have changed on his face, because Ayato's sexy smirk suddenly evened out to one of heated desire.

"Kiss me, Kaneki."

An order easily followed. He reached a hand up to Ayato's cheek, caressing it softly, moving his hand through silky dark hair and to the back of his head. Gently, he held onto Ayato in this way, and then slowly moved to join their lips once again.

The kiss was gentle, but passionate. Slow, but hot. Though Kaneki had initiated it, he felt Ayato taking it over. Slow, sizzling kisses gave way to the hot, open-mouthed meeting of their lips. The younger male's hands made their way to Kaneki's lower back, untucking his white work shirt from his black pants. Once separated, Ayato placed his warm hands on Kaneki's smooth skin.

A moan escaped from Kaneki's mouth. It felt so good to have the younger man's hands on his body in an intimate way. He saw a smirk make its way onto Ayato's face as he took a seat back on the couch, legs spread wide.

"Come here, Kaneki," he murmured, reaching out a hand.

Kaneki loved the way Ayato said his name. And looking the way he did, Kaneki could never hope to refuse him anything. He moved unhurriedly to sit upon the younger man's lap, straddling him, lacing his fingers through thin digits. Ayato hmmmed in pleasure as Kaneki made himself comfortable, blue-violet eyes not holding back in checking out the beautiful man on top and in front of him.

Their lips rejoined, resuming their sensual journey. Ayato caught the other's jaw with his free hand, forcing it to drop. The kiss got more heated, breathy, mouths opening, giving in to each other.

"You feel good," Kaneki murmured. He couldn't help himself. He breathed in Ayato's particular scent again. "You smell good, too."

"You smell like coffee beans." Kaneki stiffened, embarrassed. He started to move away, fully conscious of the fact that he had worked a long day at work and must have also retained some of a sweaty odor. But Ayato just softly chuckled, holding him in place. "I like it." He started to unbutton Kaneki's work shirt.

It was no good, though. Kaneki was still sitting stiffly, and he put his hands over Ayato's, halting their movement. "I can't." He looked down.

"Because I mentioned your eau de cafe fragrance, or. . . " Ayato trailed off. Kaneki knew what he meant.

"The coffee." Still looking down because he was embarrassed, Kaneki heard Ayato swear under his breath.

"Kaneki, I'm sorry if I, uh, said something out of line there. But I really do like it. You smell . . . really good." And for the first time, Kaneki saw some sort of blush make an appearance on Ayato's pale face. "If you want, you can um...take a shower? Here?" He offered it tentatively, but then rushed into saying, "Even if we don't do anything else tonight, I would really like you to stay over."

For a moment, Kaneki was locked into silence. So many thoughts were swirling around in his head. Was Ayato being a gentleman? To him? Should he stay over tonight? He knew he wanted to. The younger male misinterpreted his silence.

"Ah damn, I hope that wasn't too forward. I really don't mean anything by it, I mean _of course_  I want to do things with you, to you," here he placed his hands on Kaneki's thighs and squeezed gently, "But I mostly just don't want you to leave." He met Kaneki's warm brown eyes, a genuinely soft smile on his face.

"I want to take a shower."

 

* * *

 

Ayato bustled around, finding clothing for Kaneki. Luckily, they were about the same size, though Kaneki tended to be more on the thin side while Ayato was more muscular. He pulled out a black t-shirt and light grey lounge pants, and then handed Kaneki a towel.

"Kaneki." He turned his head, about to head into the bathroom. Ayato was staring intently at him from the doorway to his room. "Don't keep me waiting too long." Kaneki shivered, seeing a smirk cross Ayato's face.

Kaneki moved through the motions of showering quickly, but made sure to scrub himself thoroughly. As he was putting on the clothes Ayato let him borrow, he noticed that the t-shirt was quite loose on his frame. He sniffed it, pleased that it smelled like Ayato's laundry detergent. The lounge pants were also on the loose side, and he had to pull the drawstring tight.

Kaneki padded toward Ayato's room. The younger man set down a book as Kaneki entered, patting the bed beside him with a relaxed smile. He noticed that Ayato had changed into pajamas as well, a white t-shirt and blue lounge pants.

"You better not snore," Ayato said teasingly.

What? So they were just going to sleep? Kaneki frowned. "I don't."

He lied down on his side, propping himself up with an elbow. Ayato mirrored the action, leaving about a foot of room between them. For a moment, the younger male just stared at his face, taking in Kaneki's forehead, running a finger across his eyebrows, cupping his chin. He ran his fingers through Kaneki's still-damp hair. The older male felt a little embarrassed under the scrutiny. He felt a blush creep its way across his cheeks.

"You're so . . . hah." Ayato finally looked off to the side. "So . . . precious."

Kaneki felt his heart swell with feelings too intense to allow him to speak.

"I've liked you for so long. I kind of can't believe you're here."

"What?" Kaneki was astounded. This was not possible.

"Touka never told you?" Ayato gazed at his face, surprised.

"No. Never."

"Hmmm. Well I'm sure she had her reasons. Probably because there you were, smartest guy in school all those years, and there I was, in middle school. A twig. Your friend's little brother."

Kaneki sat up, a blush working its way again across his features. He hand-combed his damp hair away from his face.

"When you were with that guy, Brett, I was so jealous. You would come over to our house with him, and Hide. I wanted to be him. No, that's not right. I wanted to be with you. Because I never would have hurt you." Ayato was picking at some lint on his bedspread, not meeting Kaneki's eyes. "I don't know why I'm telling you all of this now."

Kaneki was dumbfounded for the second time that night. He never knew, never could have imagined that Ayato felt that way about him, and for so long.

"I'm glad you did. And I'm here now," Kaneki said softly.

"Yes, you are." With that, Ayato sat up, eye to eye with him. He placed his right hand on Kaneki's neck, his thumb gently caressing the front of his throat.

They both seemed to move at the same time. Kaneki felt his back being gently pressed into Ayato's soft mattress.  The younger male took a minute to look Kaneki up and down, a heated flush covering his cheeks. Ayato put a hand on Kaneki's waist, slowly working his way up underneath the shirt so that he exposed the older male's pale body to his eyes.

Kaneki could only marvel at the beautiful teenager that was now crawling on top of him, framing him with his strong body. With one arm supporting most of his own weight, Ayato moved the other down and latched onto Kaneki's slim and naked hip, squeezing. Kaneki felt his body begin to respond to Ayato's warm touch, limbs slightly trembling. He arched his back without thinking about it, meeting the younger's firm chest. Gazing up at Ayato with heavy-lidded eyes, Kaneki tucked some silky strands behind their owner's ear.

Their kiss was sensual, tongues exploring the shape of lips, the corners of each other's mouth. He could kiss Ayato like this forever, feeling the younger man's soft tendrils of hair brush against his forehead. He wrapped his arms loosely around Ayato's back, and then began to work his own hands underneath the white t-shirt that he wore. As Kaneki ran his hands up and down, exploring the warm and soft skin, Ayato moaned softly. His lips came off of Kaneki's, but he touched his forehead to his.

"I can't tell you . . . just how many times . . . I've dreamt about this."

Kaneki gazed into blue-violet eyes. "What else did you dream about?"

Ayato's eyes widened. "I'll show you tonight."

Kaneki blushed. Ayato touched the warm cheeks with the back of his hand. "You're so unbelievably gorgeous, Kaneki."

He turned his head to the side, hiding his face in Ayato's neck. He breathed in the unique scent again, taking a moment to inhale that mesmerizing scent which seemed to calm him and excite him at the same time.  He felt a return of his strong desire for the younger male. Softly, he began kissing Ayato's neck, hands gripping at each of his sides.

"Haaaah," Ayato closed his eyes when he moaned, tilting his head back, fully enjoying Kaneki's lips on him.

Kaneki loved the taste of Ayato. It was undescribable, but it was Ayato. He lapped at his neck, his senses becoming overwhelmed with his taste, his scent, the feel of his skin, Ayato's moans and the sound of his breathing. But best of all. Seeing his perfect body, his achingly beautiful face.

"Uhnh," Kaneki uttered, his arousal pressing into Ayato.

The younger man sat up while still straddling Kaneki's body. Heated indigo eyes stared into Kaneki's own warm, brown orbs. Without warning, Ayato moved his hips into Kaneki's, getting satisfaction out of seeing him writhing underneath him.

"Mmmahhh aya-to, I need you to keep kissing me."

In response, Ayato stripped himself of his t-shirt, letting it fall carelessly somewhere behind him. Kaneki's eyes widened, taking in his lithe but toned upper body. He ran his hands over the smooth abdomen, raising them to the hard nipples, running a palm over each one.

"Kaneki, ah, what are you doing to me?"

He had no answer.

"I want to see your body," Ayato murmured.

Kaneki partially obliged, taking off his own t-shirt and setting it beside him. Ayato shimmied down a little, lips finding their way to the skin near his navel. He wound his arms under Kaneki's, grasping his shoulders from underneath, locking him in place. His legs boxed in Kaneki's, dictating the action, dominating his body.

"I can't . . . stop touching you," Ayato said, in-between silky-soft kisses.

"Then don't." Kaneki found he thoroughly enjoyed the younger man's intimate assertiveness.

"I want--every part of you. I want you to be all mine." Ayato began alternating his needy kisses on Kaneki's abdomen with gentle bites, giving Kaneki goosebumps. There was a trail of red marks up his body with traces of saliva. Ayato was making him his.

Ayato gradually made it up to the area near his collarbone. He eyed it like a prize, with Kaneki continuing to squirm needily underneath him. He began to work at the skin, starting with a soft kiss but then beginning to suck on him shortly after.

Kaneki was in bliss. He put his hands on Ayato's clothed ass, squeezing at the fabric, wanting to see him without any clothes on at all. Ayato clamped down at the skin near his shoulder, and Kaneki felt his dick twitch in response. He could come right now with ease, but then clenched his eyes shut. No. He wanted the younger male to handle him.

As if reading his mind, Ayato broke away from his skin. He waited until Kaneki opened his eyes, then kissed him hard on the lips. Smiling mischievously, he moved back, pulling down Kaneki's lounge pants and underwear all in one go.

Ayato watched as the erect cock in front of him twitched in anticipation. He licked his lower lip, eyeing it like a tasty treat. Kaneki whined softly, breathing erratically.

"Goddamn, Kaneki. I want you so bad."

He finished pulling off Kaneki's clothes, pushing his knees apart, spreading his legs. Ayato got closer to Kaneki's body again, sliding his palm up and down the length of his erection.

"Unghh." Kaneki began writhing again in front of him. It was the sexiest thing Ayato had ever seen, the subject of his admiration coming undone by his hand, his touch. Ayato lifted one of Kaneki's legs over his shoulder, lowering his head to begin working at the inside of his leg. He kissed the flesh, licked it slowly, and bit it gently, not enough that it would leave welts all over the place.

"You, uh, you, I, I'm not gonna last if you, hah, keep doing that."

Ayato smiled seductively into the soft and delicate skin near where leg joined to hip. "That's the idea." He placed both hands on Kaneki's hips, and then glanced up into his face. Fists were clenched in concentration, warm brown eyes fixed steadily on Ayato.

"Don't hold back on me, Kaneki." He turned his attention to the erect cock in front of him again. It had begun to leak out of the tip. He gave it a few pumps, eliciting a throaty moan from Kaneki and more pre-cum seeping out of Kaneki's slit.

He watched as Ayato took him in his mouth, and he arched his back again in sheer pleasure at the sensation. He began to pant, fisting the bedspread. He kept his eyes fixed on Ayato's face, as he worked his way up and down his cock. The hair that he had tucked behind the younger man's ear had come loose, falling in front of his face.

"I'm about--hahhh--Ayato--"

Ayato gave one last satisfying suck to Kaneki's erection before moving his mouth off of it. Kaneki whined again. He couldn't take this, he was going to explode. He had never been handled in such a way, been made to feel this much pleasure.

Ayato looked over his body, chest heaving, palming himself. He made his way off the bed, taking a minute at his side table to find what he was looking for. He crawled back over to Kaneki, looking down at the item in his hand. A few seconds later, Ayato placed his left hand on Kaneki's knee, and then began probing at the area near his entrance with his other hand.

"Unghhh," he moaned, tense.

"Relax your body. Let me make you feel good."

It had been so long since someone had touched Kaneki, intimately. And nobody had every quite managed to make him feel this way. He put his hand over Ayato's, the one on his knee, communicating his trust in him. Then he breathed in, relaxing.

Slowly, Ayato worked a lubricated digit into him, not only enjoying the physical aspect of what they were doing but the closeness that was growing between them. Hours ago they had been acquaintances, but now it was so much more. And Ayato wanted it keep growing from there. He didn't just want Kaneki tonight. He wanted---he didn't want to get ahead of himself. He hadn't been able to say it earlier, but it wasn't just him "liking" Kaneki for these years. He was pretty sure he had always loved him.

Ayato gave the inside of Kaneki's knee a kiss, then slowly worked a second finger into the writhing male. He was incredibly tight, and Ayato felt his own cock straining against his underwear, begging for release. Soon, he told himself. Very soon. He gently scissored his fingers, Kaneki's hand tightening on his for a moment before releasing his hold.

"Please, now," Kaneki whispered. Ayato was all too happy to oblige. He worked his clothes off as Kaneki got onto his hands and knees in front of him. Dear god. What had he done in his 18.5 years of life to deserve such a heavenly gift?

He rubbed some lube onto his cock, giving it a few pumps. He was ready. Ayato mounted Kaneki from behind, holding onto his hips as he began to work his way inside of him.

"Haaaaahhh," Kaneki groaned in slight discomfort. Ayato pulled out, now using one of his hands to steady and guide his cock toward its desired destination. This time, he worked slower, moving forward and back in such a way to get Kaneki to fully relax.

"You feel so good, Ayato."

Ayato took that as his cue that Kaneki was prepared. He wrapped an arm around his abdomen, pulling Kaneki flush against his chest.

"I want you near me." He needed Kaneki near him.

He began to thrust harder into Kaneki, kissing the base of his neck. He felt Kaneki tremble. Ayato lowered his right hand to his waitingdick, swollen to the greatest extent. It was time for a release. Kaneki groaned as he gripped him, and then began to make shallow breathing noises as Ayato worked his cock over.

"Ayato--I can't--I'm going to come!"

Kaneki yelled out, words incomprehensible, struck dumb by the power of his climax. Ayato felt warmth coat his hand, dripping to his wrist. He was near his own limit, as well. He released Kaneki's spent cock in favor of his hip. He felt his hair falling all over the front of his face, but he couldn't care less.

"AH, GOD!" he heard Kaneki yell as he hit a particular spot. He became a panting mess, and it was all just too sexy and hot and overwhelming. With a last thrust, Ayato came hard, grunting lewdly and so very unsexily. Still breathing hard, he laid his head on Kaneki's shoulder blade, enjoying their closeness. After a moment, he pulled out and then flopped on his back, the bedspread feeling cool against his hot skin.

He looked over at Kaneki, who was kneeling, this thighs resting on the backs of his calves, his face in profile. Ayato saw a shy smile on his face, and it made his heart happy. He extended a hand over to Kaneki's and squeezed it. The older male turned his head toward Ayato, and the shy smile turned into one that lit up his whole face and had the younger man's heart beating faster again.  For a moment, they just stared at each other, eyes saying so much without spoken words.  

Finally Kaneki looked away, breathing out loudly.  "Can I use your bathroom?"

All Ayato could manage to do was nod. Kaneki grabbed his pants and underwear on the way to the bathroom. Once he was gone, Ayato sighed happily. This surely was the best day of his life.

Once both of them had finished attending to their bodies, they got into bed. Kaneki realized just how tired he was. His work day had taken a lot out of him, and then Ayato had . . . he smiled ruefully into the darkness. He was lying on his side, then felt an arm wind its way around his stomach, pulling him against Ayato's bare chest.

I want you near me, he had said. Well Kaneki wanted to be near him, too. He adjusted himself into Ayato's embrace, and then fell immediately asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Kaneki felt his body awakening. Bright rays of sunshine worked their way into the bedroom, and it took Kaneki a moment to remember the events of the previous night and early morning. He smiled into his pillow. Tentatively, he turned over in the bed, raising his arms in a luxuriously relaxed stretch. He was alone.

Getting up, he opened the door to the bedroom, and was immediately hit with the amazing scent of bacon.

"Hey you. Good morning." Ayato was at the stove, cooking what looked like eggs of some sort. Kaneki's stomach growled.

"Good morning," he said shyly, cheeks flushed. He ran a hand through his hair, attempting to tame his locks. It was probably no use.

"The bacon's done. Eggs need another minute. Coffee?"

"That sounds amazing. And this smells. . . ahh . . . so good." Ayato grinned at him, his hair all over the place. He looked particularly beautiful this morning.

Kaneki stepped up to the combination kitchen and dining room, which was really just a kitchen with an island that was supposed to serve as a table of sorts. He sat down on one of the stools.

"Can I help at all?"

"Nope! You stay right there." Ayato plopped a mug of coffee in front of him. "Oh wait, sorry! I didn't ask. How do you take your coffee? I made yours just like mine, with some milk. No sugar."

"This is fine," Kaneki insisted. He smiled.

They made their way through breakfast, not saying much, exchanging looks and not able to keep the happy smiles off their faces. Kaneki helped to clean up, and he knew he had to get going at some point. He finally looked at his phone. There were texts from Hide. It was just after 10 am, and he worked at 3.

"I've got to get going."

Ayato nodded. He wrapped his arms around the Kaneki, kissing his ear. "Shower first?" he asked not so innocently.

Oh hell yes.

It was the best shower Kaneki had ever had.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touka and Hide get to "meet" the man Kaneki has been seeing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter! They really are perfect for each other. The next chapter will not be so happy. . . Anyways, let me know what you think, be it bad or good!

"So who is he, Kaneki?" Touka asked dryly, eyeing him over the rim of her coffee cup, looking so much like Ayato. Beside her on the couch, Hide grinned. Those two were definitely up to something, Kaneki thought, still sleepy.

He had just woken up, coming into the shared space of their apartment. He was not prepared at all for this question. Kaneki avoided looking at the two of them, abruptly heading to the kitchen. Making his way over to their coffee maker, he kept his back turned as he prepared himself a cup. He decided to play dumb.

"Who's 'he'?" He concentrated on the whooooshhh noise as the water heated up, busying himself with retrieving milk from the fridge.

"Kaneki. There's no fooling the two of us. You haven't been home at night pretty much the entire last two weeks."

Kaneki slipped a coffee pod in the holder, shutting it, and then pressed the brew button. He did all of this slowly, so as to delay a response.

"I've been working." He shrugged.

Hide laughed. Kaneki knew that particular guffaw so well. It was the "Kaneki, you're ridiculous" laugh. Great.

"KANEKI. You stay out all night and don't come in until early in the morning." Touka spoke smugly, as if ticking off the items that have begun to add up. "You walk around with a dreamy little smile on your face. Not to mention, you have a couple of suspicious . . . splotches . . . on your neck."

Kaneki quickly slapped a hand on the left side of his neck, as if that alone would make his two best friends forget what they had already seen. He heard Hide laugh again. His coffee ready, Kaneki poured the milk in, giving it a few stirs, and then joined his friends in the small but comfortable living room.

"And since when did you put milk in your coffee?" Touka crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes at him as he sat in their comfy recliner.

Kaneki froze, his coffee cup inches away from his mouth. He flushed. She was right. He had never put milk in his coffee before. He usually just drank it black. But when he drank it at Ayato's now. . .

"Touka . . . lay off of him. When he wants to tell us, he will tell us." Hide gave her hand an affectionate squeeze. She met her boyfriend's eyes for a minute and then nodded, tucking some of her short purple hair behind her ear.

"Maybe you should go into law school," Kaneki muttered darkly. Touka shot him a look.

Kaneki should have realized he couldn't hide anything from two of the smartest people he had ever known. He was so transparent, so much a creature of habit, that anything deviating from his usual mode of behavior would be sure to show on their radar. And the two of them together--a powerhouse of wisdom and intellect. Maybe he could distract them by giving them a little bit of information and hope that they would be satisfied with that.

"You're right. I am sort of . . . seeing someone." He took a sip of coffee to cover the growing redness on his pale cheeks. Was he 'just seeing' Ayato? Did having the best sex of his life with the hottest and most beautiful man he had ever seen qualify as being 'casual'? He squirmed in his seat, thinking of their latest intimate interactions.

"Dude, you're definitely, um, blushing right now," Hide observed with a smile of his own.

Kaneki felt mortified, but kept silent, choosing to pretend to focus on what was on the tv.

"I'm surprised that someone finally made it through that thick skull of yours," Touka remarked, catching his attention again.

"Okay, and what do you mean by that?" he asked indignantly.

"What I mean is, you're fairly oblivious about that kind of stuff. That poor girl I work with at the salon was drooling over you and you had no idea."

"She WASN'T drooling over me."

Touka rolled her eyes. "See what I mean?" She said aside to Hide. He shrugged, smiling, enjoying the back-and-forth. "Kaneki. She said you looked hot. Twice."

Kaneki waved a hand at her dismissively. "She was just complimenting the good job you did on my hair." Touka looked at him in disbelief.

Kaneki wanted nothing more than to slink away to his room. But he knew he didn't have the excuse of homework or studying--school didn't start for another week. Huh. How would that work out with seeing Ayato? He guessed that they would have to make time somehow.

Hide and Touka started talking to each other, something about dinner plans for their upcoming two year anniversary. He would make sure he wasn't home that night either. He did not need to see--or hear--anything. Kaneki quickly tuned them out, choosing instead to daydream about a certain indigo-eyed man. Last night they had gone for a stroll in the city, since the January night had been on the milder side, and had ended up at a children's playground. They had settled in an opaque, plastic tube that children usually crawled through. Where Ayato decided to give him a blowjob.

"I want to hear you," he had murmured seductively to Kaneki.

Kaneki had pressed his own wrist to his mouth, muffling his pleasured cries. But Ayato had pinned his wrists down at his sides. He was _pretty sure_ they hadn't been heard.

Afterwards, Ayato had just held him for a while, the two of them warm in the tube despite the January weather. Later, they had walked leisurely back to Ayato's, the younger slinging an arm around Kaneki's waist, holding him close.

"I totally see what you were talking about," Hide was saying.

"You see??? I told you!" Kaneki turned his attention back to his two best friends again.

"What are you talking about?" he asked suspiciously.

"You definitely just had a smile on your face."

He had had enough. He was tired of the inquisition. Kaneki rose to his feet, heading toward his room with his coffee.

"Kaneki." Hide's voice was calm, serious. Kaneki stopped in his tracks, an eyebrow raised.

"Can we meet him?"

"Meet him?" _They had already met him_.

"Yeah, maybe have him over for dinner this weekend." _Oh god_. He looked at Touka, who had the tiniest of smiles on her face.

"Er...uh...hmm." He shifted around. "Maybe." He fled.

 

* * *

 

The following night, Kaneki was lying in Ayato's bed, awake. They had gone to bed some time ago, but Kaneki found himself unable to fall asleep. _They want to meet him_ , he kept thinking, staring at the wall.

"Kaneki?" Ayato whispered from behind him.

Kaneki rolled over to peer at the teenager. "Yeah?"

"Is there something you want to tell me?" He placed his hand on Kaneki's hip, under the band of his pajamas and underwear, massaging the intimate spot.

"How did you know?"

"You've been tense all night. You barely even smiled at the movie."

"I thought it was funny. I actually haven't ever seen Tommy Boy before," he said, stalling.

Ayato pulled him close, giving him a soft kiss. "Talk to me."

Kaneki took a minute to nestle in close to Ayato.  He breathed him in, calming down.

"They want to meet you," he stated simply.

"By 'they' do you mean Touka and Hide?"

"Yes."

"And that's it? That's what you're worried about?"

"Yes."

A moment of silence. "Do you not . . . want . . . me to meet them?" Ayato sounded almost hurt. "Is it because you don't think we, I mean I know it's only been two weeks but maybe this isn't, we aren't, serious to you? I guess I can understand that, I mean I guess I don't know where you're coming from." His words were tumbling out quickly, a jumbled mess, which Kaneki had come to see was how he acted when he was uncertain or scared.

"Ayato," he placed a hand on his shoulder, smoothing it over the skin that met his neck. "That's not it."

"Then what is it?" There was a tremble in his voice.

Kaneki exhaled. "I'm not really sure how your sister will react. I know that she and I have been friends for years, but you're her brother. What if she suddenly hates it, hates me, wants nothing to do with me? I live with her, so that would make things pretty awkward."

"So then you could come live with me. The hell with what she thinks." He said it matter-of-factly, as if it were already decided.

"What?" Kaneki breathed out, taken totally by surprise.

"I'm serious."

"But you and Touka, you seemed to have recently just patched things up. Weren't you two not talking for a long time? Years? I wouldn't want to be the one that puts a wedge between you guys again."

"Doesn't matter if it would."

"Doesn't matter? She's your sister! How can it not matter?" Kaneki was upset now. He had a sister of his own, Hinami, and would never let anything destroy their relationship.

"Do you not know how much you mean to me, Kaneki?"

"What--?" How did this have anything to do with Touka?

"You mean . . . everything . . . to me," Ayato said intensely, emphatically. He laced his fingers through Kaneki's. "Running into each other like we did. It was meant to happen. I believe that. So when I say it doesn't matter, I mean that even if she were to be upset about us, I wouldn't care. Because she wouldn't be seeing how happy you make me, how right for each other we are."

Kaneki was shocked into silence. He felt his heart pumping quickly, emotions on high, just starting to realize how much he truly meant to the younger man. It was a struggle, it was so difficult to give in, to let yourself believe that someone thinks that much of you. He didn't know why he was that way.

"And if it makes you feel any better, I really don't think she would react that way. If anything, it would be the other way around. She would think I'm bad for you. Kaneki, I think sometimes you don't see how much value you hold, how much people care about you. Touka might be a hardass sometimes, but it's only because she cares so much."

"You might be right," Kaneki admitted, giving in. Wait a minute . . . She would think I'm bad for you ??? He opened his mouth to ask Ayato about what he said, but the other male spoke first.

"So. . . can I come over to 'meet' them?" Ayato smiled.

"Yes. They actually want you to come over this weekend. Maybe Saturday night?"

"Sounds perfect."

Ayato kissed him then, claiming his lips, weaving them together in their own world of color and light, all other concerns vanishing.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki felt nervous. It was rapidly approaching 7pm. Ayato would be here any minute.

"Kaneki! Keep chopping!" Touka was a drill sergeant.

When he had announced to his friends that, yes, on Saturday they could meet "him," they had both been excited. Touka had actually squealed (something Kaneki had never seen before), while Hide had just smiled happily at him. Then they had started planning what to have for dinner.

It seemed as if the next few days passed too quickly. Around 5, Kaneki had come out of his room to start helping with dinner preparations, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt. Touka had waved him back towards his room. "You are NOT going to wear that tonight."

When he had come back out of his room some twenty minutes later, he was wearing a tight navy v-neck sweater over a white button-down with fashionable slim-fitting dark wash jeans. It accentuated his figure, which he knew Ayato liked.

"Is this. . . okay?"

Touka set her wine glass down, eyes wide. "Wow. Kaneki, sheesh. You look amazing." He reddened. As a distraction, he compared what he was wearing to his friends in case he was too under or over-dressed in comparison. Touka was wearing a short, flowy black skirt with a purple cardigan. Kaneki walked further in the room, seeing Hide in the kitchen looking sheepish in khakis and a green pullover sweater. He never dressed up.

"You look good, Hide!"

"Hey thanks. You too."

Now the three of them were each working on different parts of dinner. Kaneki was making their salad, and had mixed up some homemade salad dressing. He was glad, because it was probably all he could handle at this point. Hide was baking some potatoes and setting the table. Kaneki allowed himself a brief, amused smile. They never sat at the table. It was usually a temporary storage space for mail, groceries, half-eaten bags of tortilla chips and the like. And now here his best friend was pouring wine carefully into glasses on an elegantly decorated table. He glowed with happiness on the inside. This meant a lot to him. His friends going out of their way, so much effort, making this special.

Their balcony door opened with a loud whoosh, interrupting Kaneki's thoughts.

"Steaks will be done in a few minutes!" Touka hadn't trusted either of them with grilling their steaks. Kaneki had no idea how to judge how well they were cooked, and Touka accused Hide of grilling them so that they were hard enough to play hockey with.

There was a knock at the door. Kaneki froze, stomach seizing up with anxiety. Hide looked at him, concerned.

"I'll get it." Touka rushed to the door, a smile on her face.

 _Oh god oh god oh god_ was all that was running through Kaneki's mind. She opened the door, and then also froze. From his angle, Kaneki could only see her in profile. The smile of greeting slowly disappeared into an expresion of . . . surprise.

"Ayato?" she said slowly, the last syllable ending on a high note. "YOU . . . you are Kaneki's boyfriend?"

Kaneki reddened. They hadn't yet discussed any title or relationship status. He stepped toward the door, standing just behind and to the side of Touka. And then his mind imploded.

There Ayato stood, a vision of perfection, a wry smile on his face. He was dressed in fitted black pants and black dress shoes, a light coat slung over an arm. On top, he wore a fitted black short-sleeved shirt, which emphasized his musculature. Kaneki very much wanted to drag him to his bedroom right there. Ayato had even attempted to tame his wild mane of hair by combing some of the front of it off to the side, and it looked even more messily sexy.

The teenager caught Kaneki's eyes, holding him. "Yes, I am Kaneki's boyfriend." Kaneki's pulse raced, eyes widening, but he maintained eye contact with Ayato.

"Why don't you come in?" And there Hide was, to the rescue.

"Right." Touka shook herself, opening the door wider for her brother.

"This is for you and Touka," Ayato handed Hide a bottle of wine.

"Thanks a lot. It's good to see you, Ayato. It's been a while."

"Where did you get that?" Touka asked indignantly, shutting the door. "You're 18!"

"And you're 20. But doesn't look like that stops you either," Ayato pointed out the wine glasses on the table.

Kaneki hadn't been able to keep his mesmerized eyes off of Ayato. The teenager finally turned to him, a small box in his hands. He approached Kaneki, putting an arm around his waist. "And these are for you. For later." Ayato whispered the last part in a voice meant only for Kaneki. He looked down at the box that Ayato had given him. Chocolate-covered strawberries. He shivered. For later.

"Touka! The steaks!" Hide reminded her.

"Right!" she said again, making her way quickly back out onto the balcony.

Kaneki's eyes followed her, then met Ayato's. "I should go talk to her for a minute."

The indigo eyed male nodded. "Okay."

Kaneki put his dessert into the refrigerator and then stepped outside, shutting the sliding glass door behind him. The breeze was cold, but standing by the grill made it nice and toasty. Touka was checking the temperature of the steaks, not looking at her close friend.

"Touka? Are you upset? With me?"

She was silent for a moment, considering. "No. I'm not upset. I'm surprised, though. You should have told me sooner."

Kaneki nodded. "I just couldn't. I was scared that you wouldn't like it."

She began to put the steaks on a platter. "Kaneki. . . I just want what's best for you. I know that he would move the moon and stars for you. He's always liked you. It's just . . . you're both so very different." She switched off the grill.

"So are you and Hide," he pointed out.

Touka looked at him then, ready to go back inside. "I know. But Ayato. . . he feels very passionate about things sometimes. So much so that there's no seeing the logic in what he's doing. Be careful about that, okay?"

He considered her words. "Touka . . . what happened with you and Ayato? Why did you stop talking for those years?"

She looked off to the side, contemplating. "Maybe you should ask him that. It's a long story," she said quietly.

"Alright. I will."

Touka surprisingly kissed Kaneki on the cheek. "I worry about you sometimes."

His heart warmed. "Thanks, Touka. But I'm fine."

"I know."

They went in then, and Kaneki was happy to see that Hide and Ayato were getting along just fine, chatting as the blond put their potatoes on their plates.

Ayato examined Kaneki's face, trying to analyze his expression. When Kaneki smiled at him, his face relaxed, satisfied that everything was alright. And then for a moment their eyes continued to stay locked. It was as if Ayato was reading the words of his very soul. Kaneki wouldn't be able to look away even if he wanted to. The younger male was unraveling the built up layers around him, the years of anxiety and hurt and uncertainty. Leaving behind a raw and fresh flower about to bloom. Off to the side, Hide shifted around somewhat nervously, but neither of them saw it.

"Hey! You two!" Touka snapped her fingers at them briskly, but not in an unfriendly manner. "You have all night to stare into each other's eyes. Right now I want to eat!"

Kaneki reddened, the moment over. They all sat at the table, conversation slow at first but then picking up as the moments passed.

"This steak is perfectly cooked," Ayato pointed out.

Touka smiled with pride. "These two here don't know how to cook a steak properly," she said affectionately.

The teenager glanced at Kaneki. "It's true," he admitted. "I don't know how to make much of anything, except for coffee."

"I happen to like my meat on the well done side," Hide provided. "Crispy hot dogs . . . mmmm."

"That's gross," Touka said, scrunching her nose.

"No, really, he's right!" Kaneki said earnestly. "And then slap some mustard and ketchup on it, some fried onions and peppers, some relish..."

Hide high-fived him.

"Remind me to never let you make me a hot dog," Ayato said with a smile.

I'll feed you something else, Kaneki thought, with a rare deviation from his usual innocent self. He bit his lip, reddening. Ayato seemed to notice his reaction and raised an eyebrow at him, his smile turning into a smirk.

They ate the rest of their dinner in companionable camaraderie, and afterwards Kaneki began working on some of the dishes. There really weren't that many, but Ayato began helping him without a word. Touka put their leftovers away, occasionally glancing at the two of them interacting with each other. She was surprised. Hide came inside after cleaning the grill, and she elbowed him.

"What?" he said quietly, not loud enough to be heard over the soft music that was playing in the living room. Touka motioned with her chin.

Hide looked over to see what she was looking at. Ayato had finished loading the dishwasher, and Kaneki was washing the last bowl. Ayato had his hand under the hem of Kaneki's sweater, needing to touch him. They were talking softly to each other, laughing at times. Ayato gave him a quick kiss on the side of his head.

"He's been like that all night. Have you noticed?" Touka whispered. She had never seen her brother be so affectionate with somebody before.

"Kissing him? No."

"Nooooo. He's been like . . . around him. Like he can't bear to be separated from him or something. See? Even now, he's touching him." She was thoughtful for a second, and then her expression cleared in understanding. "Oh, I see."

"See what? That your brother loves Kaneki? I thought that was fairly obvious early on tonight."

Touka flashed a glance at him, and then looked at the pair inside the kitchen. "You're right. . . . he does. But there's something else there."

"That Kaneki loves him back? I thought that was obvious, too." Again, Touka whipped her head to her brother and friend. After a moment, she smiled.

"Yes, he does, doesn't he? But with my brother, it's like . . ." she knit her eyebrows in thought, "it's like he's scared to lose him or something. So he touches him as reassurance that he's still there. . . " her smile faded, saddened from memories of the past, the burdens her brother must still carry.

"Hey." Hide kissed her forehead. "They have each other now. They're happy. We should be nothing but happy for them."

"I know." She sighed, looking up at Hide. "It's hard sometimes to let go of these worries. Let's go get out the dessert."

 

* * *

 

Kaneki had tried his hand at making brownies, and they served them warmed up with french vanilla ice cream. He had known of Ayato's fondness for the snack. Privately, he thought they came out a little on the dry side, but the other three wouldn't entertain the notion.

"Great job, Kaneki. Really good. Feel free to make brownies whenever you feel like it," Hide teased.

Kaneki harrumphed around his spoonful of deliciousness.

"I'm actually surprised," Touka pointed her spoon at her friend. "I'm taking some to work tomorrow."

Kaneki waited a little anxiously for Ayato's response. Once he finished his dessert, he looked at Kaneki for a moment and finally said in a low, serious voice. "I've never had better." And somehow Kaneki knew he wasn't just talking about the dessert. Especially when his knee was squeezed under the table.

Eventually, they settled in to watch a movie on Netflix. Kaneki teased Ayato a little about it. "See? New shows and movies." But Ayato had just taken it all in stride and smiled at him. Whatever made Kaneki happy made him happy.

"You still collect those VHS tapes?" Touka asked incredulously.

"Guilty."

They only had the three-person couch and the wide recliner, so Touka and Hide had taken the recliner. She had fallen asleep half an hour into a superhero movie, legs interwined with her boyfriend's, head on his chest. Kaneki smiled tenderly at them, completely happy that his two best friends found so much happiness and fulfillment with each other.

Ayato was sitting in the middle seat of the couch, legs spread into a comfortably wide distance. He had his arm around Kaneki, who had pulled his legs up onto the couch, and was leaning into the younger male. Once or twice Kaneki saw Hide glance at them with a knowing smile. About halfway through the movie, Kaneki had to admit he had not much of an idea what was going on. He was too busy concentrating on Ayato occasionally squeezing his shoulder, or his singular scent, or his beautiful profile. It was doing wonderfully giddy things to his insides. He was pleased with the way the night had gone. He had known that Hide would be supportive, but hadn't been sure about Touka. At some point after dinner or dessert, she seemed to have gotten over any apprehension she previously had and couldn't stop looking at the two of them with a fond smile on her face.

Kaneki detached himself from Ayato's side, slowly standing up. He turned around, seeing the younger male look up at him questioningly. Wordlessly, Kaneki held out a hand to him, which Ayato did not hesitate to take. He led him from the living room, murmuring a "good night" to Hide, which was returned. As they entered Kaneki's room, he shut the door softly behind them.

And then Ayato was there, hands under his shirt, gripping his warm, bare skin. "I am not acccustomed," he growled in Kaneki's ear, "to holding back when it comes to you."

Kaneki thrilled to hear these words from Ayato.  Ayato lowered his hands to the back of the other's thighs, lifting him, walking over to a wall and leaning Kaneki against it. Kaneki wrapped his arms around the teenager's neck, one hand continuing a course through the silky black and blue locks. He pulled on the ends of the strands, eliciting a moan from Ayato.

"Ohhh so you're in a mood, too?" Ayato teased. Kaneki didn't answer. He seized the younger male's lips in a kiss, pressing hard against his mouth. Ayato was only too happy to respond to his need. They both began to moan into the kiss, indifferent to the fact that two other people were in the other room. The movie was loud enough. Whatever.

Kaneki bit Ayato's lower lip. "Haaaah," the younger male moaned, beginning to grind his hips into the hard cock against him. Kaneki had never felt so much a mixture of want and spontaneity and assertiveness. He lowered his hands to Ayato's shirt, quickly undoing the buttons.

"What do you want?" Ayato asked him in a low voice, continuing to push his hips into Kaneki's.

"Huhnn, huhnnn," Kaneki moaned, throwing his head back and hitting the wall. He didn't care. Ayato made him feel so good.

"If you don't answer me, I will take you. Right here, right now." It was a delicious threat. Part of Kaneki wanted Ayato to deliver on it. But another, stronger part of him wanted something else even more.

"Put me on the bed."

Ayato set him on the bed, falling on top of him. "And now?"

"On your back," the older male whispered hoarsely.

Ayato smirked at him, enjoying this side of Kaneki. He rolled over on his back, his abdomen exposed due to the other's explorations. The older male climbed on top of him triumphantly, a smile of pure desire on his face. It had Ayato's cock wreaking havoc in his tight pants.

Kaneki rid himself of his sweater and then hurriedly took off his button-up. That done, he took hold of Ayato's biceps, the younger man placing his hands on Kaneki's knees. Kaneki slowly and tortuously rolled his hips into the cock below him.

"Ahhnnnghhh, Kaneki," Ayato moaned, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

"How does it feel" Kaneki leaned down to talk softly into his ear, "to be driven crazy like this?"

"Hahhh, so . . . good . . . kiss me please. . . ."

The older male touched his lips down on Ayato's softly, teasingly, so fleeting that it had the teenager raising his head up in an attempt to get more of Kaneki.

"Damn you. . . " he whispered.

Kaneki merely smiled again, parting Ayato's shirt further, exposing the entirety of his chest and shoulders for his own pleasure. The older male gave one more hard roll of his hips, enjoying the accompanying gasp before scooting slightly backwards. He took a moment to take in the toned chest, the muscular shoulders. He didn't even know where he wanted to begin. And then he saw something he hadn't previously seen on Ayato before, in the darkness of his bedroom.

Eagerly, Kaneki moved to a spot underneath the right side of Ayato's rib cage. He smoothed a hand over the skin there, taking the time to trace his index finger around the shape of a birthmark. It was about the size of a quarter, light-brown in color. "Beautiful," he couldn't help but murmur.

Kaneki looked to see that Ayato was watching him with an intense look on his face. "You're beautiful, Ayato." And then he lowered his lips to the birthmark, kissing the small imperfection on the skin that only added to the rest of the younger male's beauty. From there, Kaneki explored the rest of Ayato's chest, licking his hard nipples, rolling them across the contours of his tongue. The younger male's breathing quickened, full of need. He wasn't used to this, this submissive inaction, but for Kaneki, he would give him whatever he wanted.

Kaneki worked his hands at the button on Ayato's pants, unzipping them gently and then pulling them off. He took the time to fold them, though he did so quickly. That done, Kaneki eyed the bulge in Ayato's underwear. There were spots of dampness near where the younger male's cock was tented.

"Hmmmm, you sure are eager aren't you?" Kaneki teased.

"Because I fucking want you," Ayato moaned, palming his cock.

Kaneki unbuttoned his jeans, unzipping them slowly, stopping halfway through. He rolled his eyes upward to meet Ayato's desperate indigo ones.

"I'm going insane," the younger male squirmed. "Get back over here."

Kaneki ran his fingers through his hair, combing the loose strands away from his face, turned on by Ayato's desperation. He finished unzipping his pants and let them fall to the floor. He stepped out of them, and next slid his black boxer briefs down to join his jeans. Ayato's eyes were wide as he eyed the devious male in front of him. Kaneki turned toward his nightstand, swiping at a bottle, and then straddled the younger male once more.

"Kaneki--what--?"

Kaneki didn't answer once again. He squeezed some lube onto his fingers and then leaned forward slightly, guiding his hand toward his own entrance. Ayato watched with his mouth open, his cock even harder than before, as Kaneki prepared himself.

"Jesus..." Ayato said under his breath. He held onto Kaneki's sides as the male closed his eyes in concentration, his body quivering on top of him.

"Ahmmmm," escaped out of Kaneki's mouth, sounding like a pained cry.

"Kaneki, are you--"

"Take off your underwear."

Ayato was frozen for a moment, but then followed the order, sliding his thumbs underneath the band of his boxer briefs and then pushing them off. As they tangled near his knees, he shimmied them off, letting them fall to the floor.

Kaneki's eyes were open and on Ayato's face. Slowly, he leaned down to kiss the younger male. And this time it was demanding, needful, passionate. Ayato felt a slickness on his dick at the same time, and realized Kaneki was coating him in lube. His heart beat even quicker with the realization of what was to come. "Unghhh," Ayato moaned in protest as Kaneki separated his lips from him again.

Kaneki adjusted his body slightly, and for the first time, Ayato saw apprehension appear on his face. The younger male laced his fingers on one hand through Kaneki's, squeezing the digits, reassuring him. Kaneki breathed out, and then placed a slick hand on Ayoto's dick holding it in place, and slowly started to sit on it.

"Mmmhhh," Kaneki moaned, raising himself up before quickly working his way down again. After a few passes, the older male again let out his breath, relaxing as he began to move up and down methodically on Ayato's cock.

"Oh my god," Ayato's breath hitched, hips moving up automatically to catch Kaneki as he moved down. His right hand latched onto Kaneki's cock, and he began to pump it, rotating his wrist slightly as he worked up. Kaneki began to tremble, his body overwhelmed with multiple stimuli. Attempting to gain control of it, he clenched his eyes shut, squeezing the hand that Ayoto still held.

In that moment, the younger male came to a realization. He was not a religious person, he did not believe in a god. But if he did--Kaneki would be it. He worshipped him, he loved each part of him. Gladly would he step over a field of broken glass in order to reach him at the other side. Without hesitation would he claw the skin off of his body. Kaneki was his deity, his idol, his holy temple.

He did not care if he was going to hell. As long as he had Kaneki, he would enjoy his piece of heaven. As the older male came, unable to hold back his voiced ecstasy, Ayato rejoiced as the warm fluid decorated his chest, baptizing him.

Kaneki kept moving on top of him, and it wasn't long before Ayato squeezed his hand and hip, tensing.

"Unghhh, Kaneki!" he yelled out, coming, filling the older male with his own self-perceived unworthy seed. Kaneki grinded on top of him a few more times, ensuring that Ayato was fully spent.

For a moment, the older male continued his perch on top, catching his breath. Finally, he slid slowly off of Ayato, who then pulled him against the side of his chest.

"Kaneki--I have never felt so . . . " the younger male searched his scattered brain futilely for the appropriate words.

"So . . .?" the white-haired male prompted.

Ayato laughed lightly, elatedly, free. "I don't know! But, but. . . I need to tell you." He lightly grabbed onto the older male's chin, pressing soft fingertips to get Kaneki to look at him. "I love you."

Kaneki's eyes widened, and he blinked a few times.

"It might be way too early to tell you that, but I honestly don't care." His breathing had finally calmed down as he voiced the inner workings of his heart. "You've meant so much to me for so long. I still remember the very first time I saw you. You came over to my house with Hide to see Touka. I answered the door. . . and from that moment, my heart was yours."

Kaneki was silent for a moment, his mind still going a million miles a minute. Despite the somewhat dim room, he was still able to see the outlines of emotion on the younger male's face. Seconds ticked past. "My heart is yours, too." His eyes were glassy, tears threatening to appear. "I love you."

Ayato gripped his hand tightly, eyes alight with happiness, mouth pressed into a happy kiss on Kaneki's neck.

Eventually, the two males got up, and one-by-one sneaked their way to the bathroom. Kaneki was sure it didn't escape the notice of Hide, but he knew his friend would never mention it to him. Unlike Touka, who would probably have teased him mercilessly about it. As Ayato took his turn, the older male found some pajamas for him to wear and set them on his bed, but the other just simply shook his head.

"Come here," he said tenderly.

Dressed only in their underwear, they cuddled under Kaneki's comforter, the older male secure against Ayato's chest. And then Kaneki remembered something.

"So I'm your boyfriend, huh?" he asked shyly, glad the room wasn't lit.

Ayato gripped him tighter for a minute. "Yes, you are. And so much more." He was silent for a second. "For as long as you want me." But then he laughed softly. "Hell, even if you didn't then you'd still be mine."

Kaneki fell asleep quickly soon after that, warm and happy in the protective embrace. Ayato stayed awake a few moments longer, a silent prayer of thanks on his mind, grateful to Kaneki for letting him be in his life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost a year of happenings for Kaneki and Ayato pass in this chapter. The strength of their relationship grows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this chapter is a tad bit of a montage. BUT I think all of the parts are necessary to the plot later on.

Kaneki woke up the next morning, his room lit with bright sunshine. He rolled over in his bed, noticing that he was alone. Why am I always the last one up? he thought, slightly annoyed with himself. He worried for a minute that Ayato might have left, but then he saw that the pajamas he had set aside for him last night were missing. But his black pants and shirt were still there. He smiled, feeling a complete and deep happiness with his life. Life was precious, life was sweet.

After slipping on some comfy clothes, he walked out into the living room, seeing only Hide in the kitchen working on some pancakes.

"Morning there, buddy." And there was a teasing lilt in his voice, a smirk on his face. Kaneki chose to avoid bringing attention to it.

"Morning. Where's Ayato?"

"Out on the balcony. With Touka."

Kaneki glanced over, seeing Ayato leaning against the railing, smoking a cigarette. Beside him, Touka was talking, a serious look on her face. He wondered what that was all about, a small frown on his face. He remembered that he still had to ask the teenager about what had happened between him and Touka a couple years ago to make them stop talking for so long. He couldn't stop a smile from forming as he saw the way his clothes fit Ayato. The long-sleeved shirt fit like a glove, outlining all the contours of his body, showing off his well-formed muscles and lean upper body. The length of the pants was okay, just a hair too short. However, they fit a little tight on the teenager's backside. Kaneki found himself staring, head tilted. His boyfriend had a hot ass!

"Kaneki, can you help out here? I volunteered to make some bacon, too. But I might make it too crispy for our two Kirishimas there," Hide said jokingly.

Kaneki snapped out of his train of thought. "Sure, sure." He flipped over some bacon that Hide had begun to cook. "So what do you think?"

Hide looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "Think about what?"

Kaneki pursed his lips. "About . . . Ayato and I."

His best friend smiled. "Kaneki . . . honestly, I'm thrilled. I can tell you're happy. And really, that's all that matters when you're with someone."

A small smile crept unto Kaneki's face.

"I wanted to ask you about something, by the way." Hide sounded somewhat nervous.

"Yeah? What about?"

"I'm thinking of proposing to Touka sometime. I have a ring picked out. Just haven't figured out a time."

Kaneki's smile got bigger, his eyes wide. "HIDE! That's awesome! Seriously man, she'll be ecstatic."

Hide smiled too. "You think so?" He looked at Touka through the glass door.

"I know so."

Hide nodded, turning his attention back to the pancakes. "Thanks, Kaneki."

The sliding glass door opened with a whoosh. "Breakfast is smelling good!" Touka was in high spirits, the serious expression gone from her face, almost as if it had never been there. She stood on tiptoes to kiss Hide on the cheek, and then started getting plates and flatware out.

Kaneki looked over to see Ayato leaning against the refrigerator, staring at him. He raised an eyebrow in question, but the only answer he was given was the younger male eyeing him up and down, pausing on his way back up to stare unabashedly at Kaneki's crotch. Oh god, Kaneki thought, his cock becoming slightly aroused. Ayato reached a hand out, grasping onto Kaneki's and pulled him gently to him. Meeting his eyes for a few seconds, the younger male moved to join his lips to his boyfriend's, extending the kiss longer than was probably appropriate with other people around.

Kaneki felt as if they were swept up into their own personal utopia, where nothing could interfere or break them apart.

"Kaneki! The bacon!" Except for that.

It was pretty crispy, just how Kaneki and Hide liked it. Touka crunched loudly on purpose, but Ayato merely sent his boyfriend a secret smile, squeezing his knee under the table. Kaneki sipped his coffee with milk, completely radiating happiness.

After breakfast was done and the dishes cleaned, Touka and Hide departed to do some grocery shopping. Kaneki secretly believed they did so to give Ayato and him some more time alone. They lounged on the couch, lying down, with the younger male spooning the older. Kaneki felt warm, but comfortably so. Some program from Netflix was on the tv, but Kaneki wasn't really paying attention. He had his mind on Touka and Ayato, wondering how to bring it up.

"Kaneki. You're doing it again." How did he know??

"Doing what?"

Ayato leaned forward slightly, kissing him softly on the cheek. His palm massaged Kaneki's torso. It cleared Kaneki's mind, relaxing him fully.

"I can read you like a book," Ayato said in his sultry voice.

Kaneki was starting to get turned on. The younger male really knew how to get him all worked up, even if he wasn't trying. He turned over, rubbing his growing arousal on Ayato, reaching under the other's lounge pants with one hand to grasp onto his ass.

"Oh yeah?" he asked in a husky voice, "What can you read about me right now?"

"Ungh Kaneki, dammit." Ayato looped his arm around his waist, holding him close, the contact sending delightful zings through Kaneki's body. "Tell me, please."

Kaneki intertwined their legs, stalling for time but also enjoying making Ayato squirm a bit. He began pressing his thigh into his boyfriend's crotch, and ran his other hand under Ayato's shirt, fingers slightly pinching at a hard nipple he found.

"Isn't this better?" Kaneki asked suggestively.

Ayato groaned. And then his eyes widened, grabbing onto Kaneki's wrists and wrapping his leg around him so as to halt his movements. "You, hah, you need to stop. For right now. What are you thinking about?"

Kaneki surrendered. He did want to ask, after all. "I wanted to know . . . I was wondering about. . . would you tell me what happened between you and Touka?" he was still mostly aroused, mind muddled and body desirous of his very attractive boyfriend.

The younger male blinked a few times, contemplating. He slowly released Kaneki's wrists in favor of lacing their digits together on one hand and propping himself up with the other. He looked off to the side for a minute longer before nodding to himself. "I was planning on talking to you about this at some point." Kaneki squeezed his hand.

"You've known me, Touka, my family for quite a few years now, right?" Kaneki nodded. "And you met my . . . father . . . before." The white-haired male nodded again, afraid that any vocalization on his part would throw Ayato off his story.

Ayato sighed. "It's kind of a shit story, to be honest. My mom died when I was very young. I don't even remember her. So my father took care of us for a few years. But then he started to get really weird, involved in this radical peace group. At first it was just a local thing, and he would be gone for a few days and we would be stuck with our grandparents."

The younger male's voice took on an angry tone. "And then he just never came back. I don't know what happened to him, what made him think it was okay to leave behind his two children. And I don't fucking care. He was too busy 'working for peace.'" Ayato snorted.

"What do you think you would do if he got into contact with you again?" Kaneki asked, fingers absentmindedly running through black and blue silky locks.

"I will never talk to him again," Ayato said somewhat viciously, definitively, a dangerous look in his eyes.

The older male squeezed the warm hand enveloping his. "And how does that involve Touka?"

Ayato looked off to the side again, silent for a moment as he put his thoughts together. "My sister never stopped hoping that our father would come back some day. She was constantly on the internet trying to find him. I guess she had located him, so the summer after she graduated from high school, she somehow bought a plane ticket, went out to Oregon where he was. She spent a whole month there, and then came back. She tried to tell me some things about him, like how he's 'trying to make a life for himself' again. But I didn't want any of it. We were supposed to be his life. We should have been the reason for him to come home." He paused, his voice had become strained. "We had this big fight, Touka was saying how my father wanted me to come out there to visit. Fuck that."

The younger male's eyes began to turn glassy, tears threatening to spill. "And then, and then . . . a few months later . . . he died. Late stage cancer, apparently," he said hollowly.

Kaneki's froze, shocked. This would have happened about a year and a half ago. He had had no idea. Hide had never told him, and he wondered if best friend knew. "Ayato . . . I'm so sorry. That fucking sucks."

"It doesn't matter anymore. After that, Touka was sad about the whole thing, and mad that I never went to see him. It was all so fucking ridiculous. We had another fight, said some horrible things to each other, and didn't talk for almost two years. Until recently, when she did my hair. Until right before I ran into you again."

Ayato's voice changed, got stronger. "Kaneki. Don't you see? You and I . . . we really were meant to be. Everything started making sense again around the time I saw you."

Kaneki didn't know if he believed in concepts like fate and destiny. But he knew he believed in and loved Ayato. He offered up a small, shy smile, and sat up. The younger male continued to look up at him seriously, waiting for a reaction.

The white-haired male knew enough about Ayato to know that a big part of him did care about his father's death. But he also knew that his boyfriend seemed to handle complex emotions in his own way, and that talking about it would not serve a purpose. Despite this fact, he still wanted to let Ayato know that he would do anything for him. Just how exactly could he put that into words?

"Ayato. I know you probably didn't want to talk about that. But I want you to know, I'm here." He squeezed Ayato's hand for emphasis. "I'm here now, and tomorrow, and a week from now, and whenever you need me. I'll always be here to listen. I'll always be here for you."

Ayato squeezed his hand tightly at Kaneki's words. The white-haired male exhaled, re-focusing his thoughts. "And I dont know if it was fate, but I know that this time together with you has made me incredibly happy. Our relationship is still new, but we already fit together so well. And I cherish that a lot. I love you." It was the best he could do for now, without sounding over-dramatic.

The younger male pulled him down again, strong arms rotating Kaneki's body around so that the white-haired male lied on top of him. Sometimes more words aren't necessary. Kaneki felt Ayato's warmth through the t-shirt, and it enveloped him into a feeling of being loved, protected, significant. And then they just lied together, peacefully, falling into a light sleep.

 

* * *

 

Late February

"I'm going to ask her tonight."

Kaneki looked up from his homework, confused for a moment. "Eh?"

Hide's cheeks were uncharacteristically flushed. "Touka! I'm going to ask her to marry me, tonight."

"Oh! Hide, that's great!" Kaneki moved his laptop off his lap and rose, folding Hide in a hug.

After they separated, Hide pulled a black box out of his jeans pocket. He opened it, frowning slightly, and then turned his wrist so that Kaneki could look. "You think she will like it?"

Kaneki's mouth dropped open. He didn't know a lot about jewelry, but what he was seeing was beautiful. It was a blue gem (diamond?) surrounded by other sparkly diamond looking things. The band itself was thin, delicate looking. With more sparkly jewel thingies.

"Hide! Jesus Christ. That's gorgeous! What exactly are the gems?"

Kaneki looked embarrassed. "It's a blue diamond, surrounded by accent diamonds. The band is white gold, embedded with other accent diamonds."

"She is gonna flip. Holy hell. Wow."

Hide snapped the lid shut, returning it to his pocket. "Kaneki. If she says yes, you'll be my best man, right?"

The white-haired male felt his eyes widen. "Me? Not one of your brothers?"

"Nah, nah, nah. You are and always will be my best friend. I can think of nobody better to be at my side during the wedding."

"If she'll even have you, that is," Kaneki teased. He saw Hide's face fall.

"Dude! I was just kidding. Ahhhhh! Not a good start to being your best man." He held out his hand. "Of course I will." Hide took it, a wry grin now on his face.

"I've got to get ready! You staying here tonight? Or Ayato's?" He started to move towards his bedroom.

Not that he had planned on staying here for the night in the first place, but now that he knew that his two best friends would be most likely wanting to celebrate their future union in an INTIMATE way, there was no way that he would be staying.

"Ill be at Ayato's."

 

* * *

 

 

Kaneki was just falling asleep for the night when his phone rang. He cracked an eye open. It was Touka. Completely forgetting that Hide had told him that he was proposing and worried that something could be wrong, he answered.

"Touka? Is everything okay? Is Hide--" there sounded like there was a lot of noise in the background, a horn honking, people talking.

"He's fine! HIDE PROPOSED! We're engaged!" Touka's voice was breathless with excitement.

"Really? That's great! Congratulations!!"

"Thank you! Is Ayato there?"

Kaneki rolled over, seeing that Ayato had woken up from the conversation, face still relaxed from sleep. He handed the younger male his phone with a smile on his face. Ayato offered his congratulations too, chatting for a few minutes more, and soon they were off the phone, Touka having other calls to make.

"Finally," Ayato said, smiling. "Ahh, my older sister. Getting hitched. She couldn't have picked a better guy."

Kaneki agreed. He made a note to himself to call Hide in the morning, to arrange a meet up for coffee before classes and offer his congratulations. His mind continued to wander for a bit, wide awake now. Ayato, however, was breathing softly behind him, falling back to sleep so easily.

That lucky bastard. The older male sighed quietly, shifting in bed, trying to get comfortable enough to fall back asleep. Ayato's hand slipped as Kaneki moved onto his back, resting on his crotch, fingertips grazing his dick. He looked at it for a moment, intending to reposition it so it was higher up on his abdomen. But then his mind took a turn elsewhere.

He closed his eyes, imagining himself at work, about to close up for the night, _when Ayato shows up at the door. Though it's February, somehow he's wearing a black tee with a deep v-neck, showing off a considerable amount of his smooth chest. His jeans are tight, too tight, highlighting the curve of his junk. Ahhhh. Kaneki lets him in, then locks the door quickly behind them. The younger male walks confidently ahead of him, headed to the backroom. Now he sees how the tight t-shirt fits snugly on his body, shoulders strong and waist toned. His ass, though. His ass in these jeans is a sin, because it has made Kaneki the epitome of lust. He wants to crawl, knees dirty from the floor, palms desperate for a touch, a grope, anything, just to get him near that luscious, sensual, developed, beautiful, pair of cheeks. And free them from their restrictive textile._

"Uhnnn," Kaneki moaned, the muscles in his legs clenching, an arousal growing in his boxer briefs.

_Ayato leads the way into the back, letting the door swing shut behind them. He stands in front of Kaneki, eyes serious, body tense, regarding him. He moves too quickly for Kaneki to do anything but yelp in surprise. He is seized by his shoulders, pushed roughly up against the smooth surface of a stainless steel industrial cooler, arms pinned behind him. With one hand, the younger male holds Kaneki's wrists against the small of his back, untying his apron with the other. He is pulled against Ayato's chest, and then the younger male lifts the apron from Kaneki's neck, discarding the useless item to the side. Next, Ayato unbuckles the black belt on the older male's waist, then goes for his pants. With expert fingers, the younger male nimbly unbuttons him, unzips him, letting gravity take his pants to the ground. He does all of this quickly, decisively, with precision._

"Unghh," Kaneki moaned, a little louder this time, lifting his hips fractionally, Ayato's hand now fully between his legs, limply curved over him. He moved slightly so that his own hand could begin exacting pressure on his cock. His pulse raced, a slight pant making its way out of his lips.

_The younger male works his hand under Kaneki's underwear, his hand gliding under the older male from the back, cupping him, squeezing him firmly. His lips find Kaneki's neck, nibbling, sucking, indulging himself on the heated, pale, somewhat sweaty flesh he found there. He bites down hard. This isn't enough. He wants more. Angrily, forcefully, he removes the hand cupping Kaneki in favor of unbuttoning the white button down he wears for work. Swiftly, the shirt is undone, removed, thrown to the side. He turns the older male around forcefully._

Kaneki rolled over, his body flush against the bare chest of Ayato, his erection pressing into the younger male. He took a second to contemplate his actions, his thoughts. Was this out of line? Was this taking advantage of his sleeping boyfriend? His mind needed even less time to swat that thought away. NO. He wound an arm around Ayato, hips slowly moving into the younger male, and left a wet kiss on his collar bone, licking him delicately, like a house cat. He tentatively laid his other hand on top of Ayato's cock, being turned on by its size, the feeling of its texture. His index finger traced the contours of it over the underwear, feeling it twitch.

_Ayato eyes him up and down, palming the erection he finds there. Kaneki squeezes his eyes shut in an attempt to hide the moan that wants to escape from his lips. He fails. His eyes fly open, and the younger male's indigo eyes are on his face, narrowed. He clenches his fingers onto a shoulder, pulling Kaneki with him to the shelves in the back. Again, Kaneki is pushed against something, sure that the force of the action will leave indentations from the shelf on his back. Ayato presses his body against his, attacking his neck, sucking the taste off of him, replacing it with his own. The younger male pushes his hips into Kaneki, inserting a leg between two thin thighs, hands gripping the shelf beside Kaneki, effectively creating a cage. He grunts as he rotates his hips, mouth moving to Kaneki's, teeth biting on the lower lip._

"Mmmhhmmm," Kaneki couldn't help but groan in bed. It was slightly louder than the others, and he tightened his arm around Ayato. His other appendage felt the younger male's cock start to harden under his attention. In front of him, a small noise emanated from Ayato, but the teenager continued to sleep, though his breathing pattern had changed.

_With an impatient grunt, Ayato yanks down on Kaneki's boxer briefs and doesn't hesitate to turn him around once more. Knowing what he wants, what he needs, the younger male pushes the other so that his chest lies on top of a shelf in-between some bags of espresso beans. He moves Kaneki's hands to grip the far end of the shelf, spreading them farther apart than the span of his shoulders. The older male is now completely helpless, completely at the mercy of the blue and black haired male. He hears the sound of a belt buckle being unclasped, followed soon after by the slow rasping sound of a zipper being undone. It is agonizing._

Kaneki can't help himself any longer. He was guilty, he was crude, he was horny as fuck. He reached a hand under the band of Ayato's underwear, wrapping a firm hand around the hard cock he found. He began to pump it, lips now nipping at a bicep. His hips eased into a gentle but desperate rhythm of a soft grind against Ayato's. Above him, eyelashes fluttered, indigo eyes opened, unseen.

_Ayato doesn't even take off his clothing, so sure of himself, so sure that Kaneki is his and his alone. He rubs his fingers over the older male's slit, which has long since begun to produce the desired pre-cum. He rubs the natural lubrication all over and inside of Kaneki, then goes back for more for his own hard dick. It makes a wet noise, a squelch, and Kaneki trembles underneath him, needing what is to follow. He guides his fattened cock toward the white-haired male's entrance with one hand, and with the other he grasps a hip, digging thin fingertips into the pale flesh._

"Umghhh," Kanek bit his lower lip to keep his moan down to a minimum, his toes curling in tension. All of a sudden, the gravity of what he was doing to his slumbering boyfriend hit him, and guilt washed like a tidal wave over him. The white-haired male felt dirty, wrong, as if this kink he was into made him into something gross and not to be indulged in ever again. His lips moved off of Ayato, hand releasing the swollen cock. Eyes clenched, he rolled over, his back to the younger male, and shamefully began to fuck his own hand.

Out of nowhere, he is pushed onto his back. "That is for me. Get your hand off of it. Right now." A rough voice. And then Ayato was on top of him, commanding, eyes flashing, chest heaving. "How dare you leave me like that."

Kaneki was equal parts horny, surprised, and worried. Was Ayato pissed at him? For violating him while sleeping? He removed his hand from his own cock, fingers touching the cool surface of the comforter. He watched with wide eyes as Ayato glared at him, his gaze wandering from the white-haired male's face, down his abdomen, before settling on the tented erection.

"I see that you have been going at me for a while now, huh?" Ayato murmured dangerously, hips pressing down into Kaneki's.

"Uhhhhhnnnn," the older male moaned, embarrassment reddening his cheeks, fingers now tightly grasping the fabric under his hand.

"I think it's about time I catch up on the fun." With that, Ayato moved backward, mouth hovering over Kaneki's crotch, gripping the older male's raised knees. The younger male took note of the damp spots on the boxer briefs below him, and then his mouth descended on top of the fabric, mouthing the cock, taking it in.

"Oh fuck," escaped from Kaneki's mouth, unable and unwilling to hold back anything any longer. His back arched, his forearms supporting his movement. Ayato continued his expedition, saliva coating the underwear, mixing it in with the pre-cum that had preceded him.

"Haaaahhh, please don't stop, Ayato..." Kaneki managed to gasp out, heels digging in to the bed. Boldly, he reached a hand down and grabbed onto some of the younger male's locks.

"NO," Ayato growled. "You do NOT get to do that to me tonight." Like lightning, he struck quickly at Kaneki, hands now grasping just underneath the tops of his shoulders, pinning the white-haired male in place. Roughly, his mouth descended onto the older male's, pushing forcefully into the kiss, ravaging the pouty lips before inserting his tongue into that white-hot mouth. Moving quickly, from mouth to neck, Ayato began to grind his dick into Kaneki's waiting arousal.

Ayato was an animal, a fierce lioness attacking a gazelle, rendering it motionless from its claws, its teeth. He was a step away from snarling into the neck in his fervor, heated by allowing Kaneki to have had his way with him. He bit down on the older male's collar bone, sucking in his skin, pulling back more of it. More. And harder. He was ruthless. And it was too much for Kaneki, being dry fucked into oblivion, getting what he wanted and much more.

"AGHH--FUCK--AYATO," he yelled out, muscles all over his body tensing. Ayato smirked devilishly, moving down the length of Kaneki's body quickly, pulling off the older male's boxer briefs with the same urgent haste. Without a hesitation, he engulfed the fully aroused cock in his mouth, overtaking it like a tsunami on the coast of an island. No hope for escape. His hands mauled the area underneath Kaneki's hips, gripping, clawing, holding him down so he can have his way with his body.

Kaneki was close--feeling as if a few more seconds will have him at his climax--when Ayato removed his mouth, saliva trailing down the sides of his chin. The white-haired male can't help the whine that escaped from his throat. He has only a second to meet Ayato's eyes before he was flipped over, body handled so that he found himself on his knees. He reached a hand down to begin stroking himself, but it was slapped away.

"NO." Ayato growled again.

And then Kaneki's world exploded. A hot, slick, muscle was inserted into his entrance, invading his insides, contouring to move all around. A hum of pleasure, of proprietorship, wass heard by the older male. He was beside himself, he can't hold his own body up any longer, he was shaking. And then a yell was ripped from his throat, pleasure radiating through his limbs, and he knew he was not in control of himself.

"Unnnggghh--ahh-ahh-ahh-I can't--" he was shaking worse than before and Ayato felt it, "please--"

The younger male pulled his tongue out of Kaneki. He wrapped an arm under the tremulous male, holding him up so that he doesn't fall over on his own chest. Ayato slicked his dick with his own liquid, and then guided it in with his hand. It took a few tries before it made it all the way in, and then he began to move methodically in and almost out, hands on reddened hips, holding him up once more.

"Ayato--please..."

A low grunt. "Please what?" A sound of skin slapping on skin.

"Hahhhhhh--hold me close--please..."

Ayato wanted nothing more than to do so. He wrapped his arm around Kaneki's abdomen once more, pulling him close, sniffing loudly like an animal at the back of his neck. With his other hand, he grasped firmly onto Kaneki, stroking him to the exact rhythm of his thrusts inside of him.

It doesn't take much more than half a dozen strokes to put the overclocked Kaneki over the edge. He doesn't need to say anything, for Ayato felt it right before it happens. The older male's body tensed, and he can't help but lace his digits through the younger male's hand that is grasping his side. Ayato let him because in this moment, he can't just fuck Kaneki. His complete and perfect love for the white-haired male will always transcend anything else, even his own pleasure and happiness. Not that Ayato wasn't happy--he just will always defer back to what Kaneki wants, what he needs. And right then he needed to know that Ayato would always be there. And everything else be damned, for the younger male would always provide that reassurance.

With a last cry, Kaneki came, coating Ayato's hand. He felt the older male's cock convulse with the force of his orgasm, and he worked it all out, breath hitching in his throat. Kaneki's hand tightened within his own, his white hair a beautiful mess, a sheen of sweat glistening on the back of his neck. Ayato can't resist. He clamped his mouth down again, tongue lolling about on the pale skin, the salty sweetness better than any dessert.

And then he felt it. Abandoning the slender and much-abused hip, he latched onto Kaneki's forehead, bestowing a brief kiss on his temple. He was coming.

"Kaneki--unghhh--" his arm tightened across the thin abdomen, and it was almost too much for Ayato in that moment. But Kaneki was there in his arms, invading all of his senses. He was real. He was the center of it all. So he can hang onto that thought in the middle of the strongest orgasm he has ever experienced.

They are both breathing hard, and Ayato finds that he cannot let go. They have no words for a moment, their thoughts and heart rate calming down.

"You were . . . driving me crazy, Kaneki," Ayato finally managed, slowly moving out of Kaneki.

The older male was silent, realization coming back. His face cannot possibly get any redder. "I'm so sorry," he said sincerely, hands covering his face. "I just couldn't help it."

Kaneki was surprised to hear a low chuckle. "That, my love, is nothing to ever apologize over." He turned his face, watching Ayato make his way off the bed. He stopped though, cupping his fingers under the older male's chin, looking into his eyes.

"Next time, I will be the one invading you while you sleep. And I won't feel bad about it."

Kaneki shivered deliciously.

 

* * *

 

About 5 months later, July

The July night was warm. Kaneki, Hide, and Touka were on the roof of their apartment building, a few other residents joining them in their own family or friend get-togethers. The roof was full of young people playing games or beer pong. Some balls had been lost to falling off the side of the building. It was the 4th, and everyone was in a festive mood. Fireworks would be going off in a few hours, once the sky had completely darkened. For now, the sun was just beginning to set. Kaneki was impatient. Ayato hadn't been able to join them sooner because of work, but should be here any minute.

The three of them had gotten up there early, chairs set up near the perimeter of the building so that they had the best view of the fireworks once they went up. They had a cooler filled with various ice-cold drinks, and had brought up a small charcoal grill for hot dogs. Touka, having turned 21 a few days ago, could now legally consume alcoholic beverages. Today, however, was Ayato's 19th birthday. And Kaneki had brought up his boyfriend's present. He hoped he liked it.

Out of nowhere, arms suddenly wound their way around this abdomen, pulling him close to a firm chest. A scent of laundry detergent and cigarettes filled his nostrils. "Kaneki," the oh-so-familiar and warm voice rumbled in his ear, "I've thought about you all day."

The white-haired male rotated around in the embrace, face immediately lighting up at the beautiful sight that was Ayato. "Finally," he breathed. "I've missed you . . ."

"So what you're saying is, that you can't get enough of me," Ayato said in a teasing voice, lips lightly touching his.

Kaneki huffed, turning away playfully. I'll show him, he thought, moving away.

He didn't get two steps. Ayato grabbed the back of his blue v-neck, pulling him back. One hand creeped under the back of his t-shirt, pressing the white-haired male closer. Kaneki couldn't resist. His boyfriend's scent, his eyes, his embrace, all overpowered him. "Where do you think you're going?" Ayato asked, in the same teasing voice.

When the younger male spoke to him, touched him, smelled like this, there was no way Kaneki could ever hope to do anything but melt into his boyfriend's arms. Kaneki ran a hand through completely black locks, grabbing onto the ends. The younger male had dyed his hair back to its original color recently, contemplating a new hue. Kaneki thought he looked fucking hot no matter what he did with his hair, how he dressed. If Ayato wanted to dye his hair a horrid orange, Kaneki would still love him, still want to get pounded into the morning hours by him.

"About time you got here, little brother."

The two males separated, albeit reluctantly. Touka had approached them, giving her brother a hug. "We have presents for you."

They moved their chairs into a square, sipping on ice cold beer. Hide handed his gift over first. Ayato unwrapped it with a straight face, not really enjoying the attention, but touched that gifts had been given to him.

"Hide, thank you. This looks marvelous." It was a new squash racket. The two of them had begun playing together a few months ago, kind of nudged into it by Touka, so the two males could get to know each other better as adults. They had tried to get Kaneki involved, but he had given them a flat no, because he was not athletically inclined and also thought it would be good for Ayato to spend some time with Hide, his future brother-in-law.

"You're welcome." Hide flashed a smile. "Rematch, this weekend? This time I have a new strategy."

Ayato chuckled. "You're on. Bring it."

"And here's my gift." Touka handed him a rectangularly wrapped item.

Ayato unwrapped it slowly, and Kaneki could see that he felt awkward over gifts. Had he not received many before? He felt that this was very likely, and the white-haired male felt saddened over it.

As he finished opening the package, Ayato yelled out in excitement. It was two VHS tapes, The Matrix and The Sandlot.

"Where did you find these?!?"

"I found them in a Goodwill store, believe it or not. Kaneki mentioned that you didn't have them." Touka said, "And they are classics, so I thought they should be part of your collection."

"Ahhh Touka! This is awesome! Now we have two movie nights worth of movies," Ayato exclaimed, happy. "All of you guys should come over sometime, we can eat some pizza or whatever."

"Sounds great." Touka grabbed the wrapping paper, pressing it into a tight ball. Her engagement ring glittered beautifully on her finger.

"This is from me." Kaneki handed over a small box, feeling hesitant, unsure of how Ayato would react. Would it be okay? Was it enough?

Ayato met Kaneki's anxious glance with a bright smile before starting to unwrap it. The white-haired male looked over at Touka, still somewhat worried. She smiled at him, reassuringly, and then Kaneki felt better.  
Ayato saw the exchange, and raised an eyebrow, then turned his attention back to unwrapping the gift. He opened up the plain white box inside, revealing an item loosely wrapped in tissue paper. Ayato moved it aside.

Silence. Kaneki was anxious. Oh god, he didn't like it. Why did he give him--

"This is the best gift I've ever gotten." Ayato's long lashes fluttered, settling on Kaneki. "Where did you get this?"

Kaneki met his emotional eyes, then glanced briefly at Touka with a smile before returning his eyes back to Ayato. "Touka and I got it from your grandparents. We went to their house a couple of weeks ago when you and Hide were playing squash."

It was a picture of the four of them in a simple black frame, posing happily as younger versions of themselves on the Kirishima's trampoline. Ayato was in his middle schools years, while Kaneki and Hide were in high school. In the picture, Ayato and Touka were flanked by Kaneki and Hide, everyone's arms around the person next to them, tan from the summer sun. While three of them were smiling for the camera, Ayato's head was turned toward Kaneki's face. The white-haired male had borrowed the original photograph, and retouched it personally on his computer.

"Kaneki, you see? Even then. . ." Ayato said in a wavering voice and then Kaneki's worries dissipated. The younger male seized his lips in an emotional kiss, mouth opening, owning every piece of his heart. "Thank you," he murmured when they finally separated.

The four of them spent the rest of the time before the fireworks cooking hot dogs, chatting, reminiscing about days from the past and sharing hopes of days to come.

"We've set a tentative wedding date! Well, wedding month." Touka announced.

"Oh, really? When?" Kaneki questioned, munching on some chips. He had been researching 'best man' roles recently, not wanting to mess this up.

"September, two years from now. Hide and I graduate in May that year and it will give us time to focus on the wedding that summer before we get married. Maybe I'll even have a job offer by then."

That's right, Kaneki thought. He started graduate school late next month, and the May that Touka had spoken of in less than two years would also be his graduation month as well. He would have his MBA. It was mind boggling to think that in the span of a couple years, so many things would be changing. He wondered how his life woul be in May of that year. Would he also have his sights on a job?

When the fireworks began later that night, Ayato gently pulled Kaneki into his lap so they could watch the sky explode into a world of color around them, together. A green firework lit up the sky, transforming into gold.

"Happy Birthday, Ayato," Kaneki murmured into his ear. "I love you."

Ayato squeezed him tightly, hands creeping up underneath the white-haired male's tshirt and settling on his bare abdomen.

"Kaneki . . . I can't be without you. I love you so much I can't--" a purple firework exploded, transforming into green. "I can't imagine my life without you ever again." There was an unexplainable note of desperation in his voice.

The older male watched the firework fade before turning to his boyfriend. He gazed into worried eyes.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"I just. Nothing is wrong, it's ahhhh, just, this moment is perfect. I don't deserve this, or you. It seems so surreal, like it will end. I know that sounds stupid."

"Ayato. I love you. Nothing that can happen will ever change that." He caressed his boyfriend's cheek, fireworks continuing to explode around them. Kaneki didn't care that he was missing them. How could they compare to the sight in front of him? "And don't ever say you don't deserve me. That's just ridiculous."

"Okay." Ayato's expression softened into one of affection. "And I love you, too."

They stared into each other's eyes for a moment. Kaneki breathed in and out, relishing the hold Ayato had on his body and heart, items he had given to him months ago. He smiled, seeing the color of the fireworks illuminate Ayato's face, seeing them reflected in his indigo eyes.

"How is it possible for you to be so beautiful?" Kaneki wondered aloud. A vivid blue firework lit up the dark sky. The night was dark but the fireworks were bright, bringing life to the wide expanse of sky around them. A bright white firework exploded, starting small and then expanding, filling up the scene above them.

Ayato held him throughout the rest of the fireworks show, with Kaneki having never felt so much at home, so much at peace.

 

* * *

 

December

 

"We will meet you guys there at 8, right?" Hide asked as he examined his face critically, shaving.

"Yeah." Kaneki fidgeted in his clothing. The four of them were all going out to a fancy dinner for Kaneki's 23rd birthday. He didn't know exactly where they were going, it apparently was going to be a surprise. All Ayato had told him was to come over between 5 and 6, and then they would meet up with Hide and Touka afterwards. And that he should dress nicely. Kaneki looked down at his clothing.

"Do I look okay?" he asked nervously. Hinami and he had celebrated his birthday yesterday, just the two of them, as Ayato worked. They hadn't made any concrete plans, just that they were going to spend the evening together. And then he saw why she hadn't voiced her intentions. Because his 16 year old sister was taking him shopping.

"Shopping?" he had whined. "Not a fun way to spend my birthday night." He had tried to guilt her into changing her mind, but she had just glanced at him knowingly.

"I'm doing THIS part for Ayato. He told me about your dinner plans for tomorrow night. And knowing you, you have nothing suitable. After we find a good outfit or two," (TWO??) "then I will take you to see that dumb movie you've been wanting to see and some dinner."

Kaneki had given in with a sigh. He hated shopping. But he knew his sister was right. He didn't have anything nice for dinner the following day. He was glad that she and Ayato had become close. Occasionally, Hinami would come over to his apartment while Ayato was there, and then Hide and Touka would come home to join in on a game night. Those were the best kinds of nights. Surrounded by those he loved best.

He ended up with a pair of slim-fit navy blue pants, a light gray sweater, a brand new white button down (his claims of having a perfectly good one at home fell on deaf ears), and a matching tie. As he came out to show the outfit to Hinami, she had clapped her hands delightedly, a huge smile on her face.

"Ayato will love it!"

"I look like some sort of hipster," he had muttered, but relieved that they had finally found an outfit for him to wear the following day. Then he and Hinami had watched a movie and gorged themselves on absurd amounts of sushi.

"You look great, seriously," Hide looked at him through the mirror. "Stop worrying. He would love what you wore even if it were lime green corduroy and brown wool."

Kaneki knew he was right. "I'm gonna get going. Where's Touka, by the way?"

Hide finished shaving, rinsing his razor. "At the salon, trying out a new color." This seemed to remind him of something. "By the way, are you going to keep the white forever?"

The white-haired male patted at his tamed hair, combed neatly and styled just for tonight. "For now, yeah. But I know for the intership I'll have to go back to brown." For his final semester of graduate school, in just over a year, he would take part in an internship that would prepare him for his chosen career in the vast field of the business world. "I might let it grow out a bit, see how it looks."

Hide hmmed. "Ok, well you should get going. You don't want to keep Ayato waiting." And then he wagged his eyebrows at his friend teasingly.

Kaneki huffed, not dignifying it with a response. He grabbed a light coat off the back of a chair, and then headed outside. The December night was unseasonably warm, and the white-haired male enjoyed the feel of the crisp air cooling his cheeks, warm from the exercise of walking. A smile played on his face throughout his time outside, and soon he found himself at Ayato's.

He rapped his knuckles on the door of #4. There was a few second's pause, and then the door opened, revealing his love surrounded by the dim illumination of candlelight. Kaneki's eyes widened in surprise as he took in Ayato, and he walked inside the small but cozy apartment. There were lit candles everywhere, the only light in the room. It gave off a warm, vanilla scent.

"Kaneki. This is for you." It was a single, perfect, white rose. Ayato held it to him from arm's length. Kaneki took it delicately, face blushing. He had never been given any flowers before.

"It's beautiful, thank you," he managed to say softly, examining the flower in front of him, the stem free of thorns. It looked golden in the subdued light that surrounded them.

Ayato made a strangled noise, sounding almost like he was pained. "You look so . . . fucking . . . . gorgeous," he murmured, wrapping him into an embrace, lips finding lips, a kiss so delicate and loving. It sent a stream of warmth down Kaneki's arms, heating his chilled fingertips. His hands caressed Ayato's neck, his strong shoulders, the rose grasped loosely in the white-haired male's fingers.

After an indeterminable amount of time, Ayato released him, and stepped back. Kaneki was able to get a complete look at him for the first time, eyes having adjusted to the dimness. The male's naturally black hair was now beautifully colored, dark locks mixed in with a midnight blue color. His hair had been trimmed, but it fell delicately all over his head, framing his face perfectly.

"Today?" Kaneki asked, unable to stop his hand from touching the ends. Ayato nodded. "It looks great. I love it." The younger male beamed.

Kaneki's eyes wandered down from his beautiful boyfriend's face to the clothing he wore. He was classically dressed in a white button down shirt tucked into tailored black pants that seemed to have been crafted from the gods just to fit his body perfectly. He wore a skinny black tie, and it all radiated so much handsomeness, a touch of sophistication, all without being overdone. By the shy smile on Kaneki's face, Ayato could tell he liked what he saw. And was probably thinking some very indecent things right now. It made the younger male's heart beat fast, considering what he had planned for his love.

"I have your birthday gifts, Kaneki." And with that, the younger male softly grasped his hand, leading him over to the couch. There were more candles lit here, emitting such a soft, calm glow. The light danced across their faces. Kaneki marveled as he looked around, taking a seat next to the younger male, lying the rose delicately on his lap. Finally, his eyes made their way back to Ayato's, who was looking at him levelly. Kaneki was confused. He didn't see any gifts around.

"Pick a hand." Ayato held out two closed fists. Huh?

Kaneki smiled in excitement, enjoying the game. He tapped the top of Ayato's right hand. The younger male paused for a second, a serious gaze on his face. He turned over his closed palm, and then slowly opened it, revealing a silver key.

Kaneki looked up at Ayato questioningly. "This is a key to my apartment. It's way past time you had it." Ayato reddened, visible to the white-haired male in the candlelight. It was a very rare thing to see. "And I don't want you just to have the key to my apartment. I was wondering if you would want to move in here. With me."

The white-haired male felt his insides turn molten with delight. His eyes crinkled, mouth a happy grin. He reached for the key, holding it tightly into his palm. "Yes. I would love that." Ayato seemed to breathe out in relief, eyes analzying every part of Kaneki's expressions. After a moment, he held his left fist out to Kaneki.

This time, feeling wrapped in love and and joy, Kaneki took the hand and turned it over, uncurling the thin digits from the palm of Ayato's hand. And then the white-haired male was frozen from what he uncovered. Two small, black rings contrasted with the pale hand. They were without adornment of any kind--no gem or fancy engravings. Just simple, black bands. Kaneki's eyes, the only part of him capable of movement, rolled up to Ayato's face.

Ayato's mouth had fallen open, body tense. He took a few breaths, and then spoke, his voice a little higher than usual, somewhat hesitant, worried.

"Kaneki. I know it's too early for us to think about marriage. This isn't what this is. But. I've known for a while now that there will never be anyone else for me, never anyone else that I could love completely the way that I love you. And, well, I thought by wearing these rings it would be a symbol of our love for each other. That we are the same. That you have my heart and that I have yours, always. And that someday, maybe in a few years, these rings will become something more."

Kaneki's heart was full, swollen with love in the way that only Ayato knew how to provide. He couldn't help it. A tear escaped from an eye, only to be joined by another. He had come to realize some time ago that he meant a great deal to the young man in front of him. And now, it finally hit home that he, Kaneki, was Ayato's world. He opened all of the doors to his mind, his heart, letting himself fully feel this moment. He was absolutely certain he felt the same. Kaneki loved the young male in front of him with an unending passion, an intimacy so deep that he felt they were woven together like an intricate pattern of stars. This love was their own. Untouchable by others, nobody able to scratch the armor from the outside.

"So, my dear Kaneki, I was wondering if you would wear one of these rings with me." Ayato took Kaneki's left hand, lacing their fingers together, waiting for his response.

"Yes," the white-haired male, began, croaking. He had to clear his throat. "Yes, I will. I love you." Kaneki saw a profound expression of happiness appear on Ayato's face, his former anxiety over the topic gone. The younger male reached forward, crushing Kaneki against him. The white-haired male was pressed into his chest, and he heard Ayato's heart beating fast. Had he truly been worried Kaneki would say no?

"Oh god, Kaneki. I love you so much." The younger male released him, and then held out a ring. Kaneki took it, not sure which finger to wear it on.

"They are small rings. I kind of guessed at the size, but we can get a different one if it doesn't fit where you want to wear it." Kaneki nodded, considering. Finally, coming to a decison, he slipped it on his right hand, onto the digit between his pinky and middle finger. It fit perfectly, already warm against his skin. He looked up at Ayato.

The younger male smiled at Kaneki's decision, pleased. He tried to put his ring on the same finger, but it was too small. "I have thinner fingers than you?" Kaneki asked, surprised.

"I guess so," Ayato said. He placed the ring on his right pinky instead, wiggling it it around. It seemed to fit just right. "I kind of like it on that finger."

Slowly Kaneki stood, setting the rose on the coffee table in front of them. Ayato looked up at him, making a movement as if to stand up too. But Kaneki pressed his palms onto the younger male's shoulders, holding him in place. Keeping his brown eyes locked onto the indigo of Ayato, he carefully pressed a knee down onto either side of the younger male, straddling him.

They didn't need any words. Their bodies moved naturally, so much in sync with their own minds and the hearts of each other. Kaneki stared into Ayato's eyes for a moment longer, and then his right hand began to caress the other's cheek, then moving to trace two fingers on his lips. With a small smile, the white-haired male moved to Ayato's hair, tucking it behind his ear, knowing it was all in vain. The locks seemed to have a mind of their own, stubborn like Ayato, and would surely come back to its original place in due time.

The younger male watched all of Kaneki's movements, in awe once again at the other male's sweet and angelic features. He found his gaze wandering over them. The heart-shaped face was as pale and unblemished as ever, brown eyes wide and innocent and clear. White hair fell delicately all around the crown of his head, fluttering around his face in wispy strands when he moved. His mouth was shapely, lips contoured and plump, so that at times they took on a pouty appearance. Ayato was enraptured by it all.

Their eyes met again, and Kaneki moved forward slowly, kissing Ayato's temple, holding his lips there for a moment. Then he worked his way down, kissing an eyelid, the nose, a cheek, and then finally soft lips that were more than impatient to be joined. Again, Ayato pulled him tightly against his body, leaving no empty space between them, molding them together. Kaneki moaned softly on top of him, the kiss turning more heated, tongues rolling together.

They had time.

"Happy Birthday, Kaneki." Ayato murmured some time later.

Around 7:30 pm, they left Ayato's, now their, apartment. The restaurant was close, within walking distance for both Touka and Hide and also Kaneki and Ayato. The two males didn't say much on their walk to the restaurant, for their feelings were the same. To be so much in love, a love that came so easily to them, was their heaven on earth. Their paradise. It was without restrictions, without anger or jealousy, only pure and reciprocated devotion to each other.

They met up with Hide and Touka at the restaurant, enjoying a drink at the bar before they got their table. Her hair was now a light blue color, making her look much younger than her 21 years. Christmas music was playing, the mood in the restaurant one of excited jubilation. Kaneki was telling them a story about a customer at the coffee shop, hands gesturing, when Touka grabbed his hand.

"What's that? Kaneki? What is that ring?" she asked, excitement growing in her voice.

Kaneki flushed, glancing at Ayato for help. The younger male simply smiled back at him, letting him explain.

"Ayato gave it to me. He has one too." It was all he could manage.

Touka turned to her brother, grabbing at his hand, looking at his ring, mouth dropping. "Are you two engaged?!?"

Ayato squeezed his sister's hand before releasing it. "No. Well, at least not yet. " He saw Kaneki redden even more. "They're sort of symbols to each other, and everyone else, of our love."

His sister grabbed at him, somehow managing to engulf her brother in a hug. "That's so wonderful, Ayato! I'm so happy for you."

Kaneki glanced at Hide, who looked surprised, but had a smile on his face. "Kaneki, wow. Congratulations." He didn't seem to have the right words for what he was trying to convey. They moved forward in a brief hug, Hide giving him a few pats on the back.

"My turn!" Touka yelled. The two friends separated, and Touka gave him a fierce hug. "Kaneki," she whispered into his ear. "Thank you for making him the happiest he's ever been." And when she moved back, there were tears in her eyes.

"Oh, and I'm moving in with Ayato," Kaneki said bracingly, shyly. He knew the financial situation for his friends was fine. Hide's family had plenty of money and supported him through school. Kaneki's portion of the rent wouldn't be a big hit to them at all.

More exclamations followed. The night was full of excitement, love, family, and joy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been working towards this point for quite a while! I thought originally that I would be at this point in chapter 2 or 3. But Ayato and Kaneki had other plans in store for this fic.

September (about nine months later)

Kaneki tapped his pencil on his head, zoning out. He was in the living room, bored with his homework. He checked the time on his phone. 10:36. Ugh. He was done. Nothing else was getting done tonight.

_"And now we turn to Doug, for a report from downtown about the latest on a string of crime that has begun to plague the area. Doug?"_

Kaneki shifted his attention to the tv, concerned because he had read about some of the burglaries of homes and small businesses in the area. A restaurant that was a minute's walk from Anteiku, the coffee shop he worked at, had been burglarized two nights ago.

_"Thanks Karen. A growing concern in the area has arisen over the--"_

"Hey babe." Ayato came into the room, dressed in his usual work attire, a black v-neck and pants. He wore shin-high black boots, looking all kinds of sexy. Kaneki transferred his attention to his boyfriend. What a welcome distraction.

"Off to work?" Kaneki asked unhappily, frowning. Lately, Ayato had been working the late shift, coming back home in the early hours of the morning, winding an arm around Kaneki delicately so as to not wake him when getting into bed.

"Yeah," Ayato sighed. "How's the homework coming?"

"I think I'm done for the night. And hey--you think any more on what we talked about? Applying for school?"

Ayato nodded. "I think I'm gonna do it. There's still some time before the deadline, right?"

This made Kaneki happy. "Yup. Due by the middle of November." He had checked personally. Ayato rose, headed to the hall closet, retrieving a light black jacket with a hood.

"-- _there seems to have been a break in the case for detectives, however, for two eyewitnesses spotted a group of suspicious individuals wearing masks around the same time and location where Antoine's was broken into two nights ago-_ -"

Ayato seemed to freeze, eyes going to the tv. Kaneki didn't notice, for his own attention was on the news program. Doug, the reporter, was gesturing around him inside the restaurant, chairs tipped over and the interior otherwise completely trashed.

"-- _police are releasing these surveillance photos taken from cameras in the area._ " Two separate photos were displayed on the screen, showing a group of about 5 or so people walking toegether, faces hidden with masks. The quality of the pictures was too dark to really make out much except for the varying heights and body shapes. _"If you know anything about those that may be involved, please call the number on the screen--"_

Kaneki breathed out, still a bit worried. What if Touka or one of his other co-workers were accosted by these guys late at night after leaving work? He looked over at Ayato, who was still watching the tv with a blank expression on his face.

"Ayato? Are you alright?'' The younger male seemed to shake himself, and then smiled apologetically at Kaneki.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm not really looking forward to work tonight." He kissed Kaneki a little distractedly on the lips and then walked toward the door, grabbing his coat off of a chair as he walked by. "Have a good night. I'll see you later." And then he left.

Kaneki's eyes stayed on the closed door as Ayato left. He felt the faint stirrings of worry work its way through him again. The younger male had been acting strange for a while, at times distracted, other times quiet. Was Ayato falling out of love with him? The thought was a stab to Kaneki's heart, and he rubbed at his chest, feeling anxious. But no, that wasn't it, right? Just two nights ago Kaneki had woken up as Ayato got into bed, and they had some of the most passionate sex they had ever had. The way the younger male continued to kiss him, hold his hand, make love to him gently. . . so that couldn't be it. Then what?

The older male decided to go to Ayato's work, surprise him with some dessert. Maybe they could chat, and Ayato would tell him what was on his mind. He would have to hurry though. Some places stayed open most of the night, but the place he had in mind closed at midnight. Kaneki threw on a warmer shirt, grabbing his keys, wallet and phone before heading out.

The late September night was clear, but was a little on the cool side. People were still out and about at this time of night, either headed home from work or heading into a bar. Kaneki was able to get what he needed from Dolce's, a chocolate and peanut butter shake--Ayato's favorite. Relieved he had made it in time, the white-haired male walked lesiurely to the convenience store where his boyfriend worked, a few minutes' walk down the road.

"Hey, Kaneki right? How are you?" A small, feminine girl greeted him as he came in. Jami, he remembered.

"I'm good! Good to see you again. Ayato around?"

Jami looked at him in confusion. "Ayato? He's off tonight. It's not his day to work. Actually . . . " she shuffled some papers on the counter near her. "He works the day after tomorrow. 11am to 7pm. He cut down his own hours a couple months ago . . ." she looked up and stopped speaking, seeing the stricken expression on Kaneki's face.

"Oh." Jami looked even more confused, but also worried. "I thought you would have known? I'm sorry."

Kaneki felt his lips form words but didn't know what he said. He shuffled his way to the door, making his way outside. Seeing a garbage can nearby, Kaneki let the shake drop inside with a loud thunk. Where was Ayato? What was going on? He reached into his pocket, pressing Ayato's name on the screen.

The white-haired male felt the stirrings of anxiety turn into a herd of beasts trampling around on his insides. The phone rang and rang, going to voicemail. Kaneki disconnected the line. No other plan in mind, he headed home, worried. Sad. And feeling angry that he had been apparently lied to.

Once home, he paced around the living room, unable to sit still. He wrung his hands together, hair a mess from the amount of times he had run his fingers through it. What could he do? Confront Ayato with the information he had gathered? What else could he possibly be doing right now? All sorts of possibilities crept into his mind. Maybe Ayato had found someone else, after all? The thought of Ayato making love to someone else like he did with him made the white-haired male feel sick. Kaneki's mind was fried.

Eventually, around 3 in the morning, he tried to fall asleep, tossing and turning for a long time. He hadn't come to a decision yet about what to do. He was on the very fringes of a light sleep when he heard the bedroom door open, and Ayato crawl into bed quietly. As usual, the younger male scooted as close to Kaneki as he could, winding an arm around his middle. Within minutes, he was breathing softly, asleep.

This made Kaneki angry. How dare he? How dare he lie to him and then come to bed with him as if everything were okay? For the first time in a very long time, the white-haired male was furious. But then he had a thought.

Thinking himself a detective, Kaneki carefully moved out of bed. He walked slowly to their bedroom door, inching it open at a snail's pace. He headed to their hall closet, where Ayato kept his coat. Kaneki hadn't gone in here for a long time, for it had a lot of the younger male's possessions in here. He, meanwhile, had left some of his own stuff at Hide's and Touka's place.

He carefully opened the door to the closet, retrieving Ayato's coat. His heart was in his throat, blood pumping quickly through his body. Part of him was telling him to put the coat back, that he was being an idiot. That he should just wake Ayato right now and talk about this. But another part of him was still incredibly angry. Angry that Ayato would lie to him after how close they were supposed to be to each other. Why couldn't Ayato be honest with him? Unless it was so horrible that he knew Kaneki would be upset about it? And didn't know how to handle it?

Feeling foolish but thinking it necessary, he sniffed Ayato's coat. It only smelled like Ayato, the subtle pleasant fragrance of laundry detergent contrasting with the more present, harsher odor of cigarettes. Hmm. Ok, nothing there. He felt around the side pockets of the coat, only coming up with a crumpled up receipt. But then his forearm felt something hard on the inside of the coat. Reaching in, he realized there was an inside pocket. His hand closed around something that wasn't fabric, and he brought it out. Quietly, Kaneki moved into the bathroom, shutting the door and then turning on the light.

He opened his eyes slowly, knowing that the harsh light would make his eyes hurt. But when he saw what he was holding, they widened in shock. It was a mask, all black, save for two holes for eyes to see through. It was obviously of a rabbit. Kaneki stared at it a minute, confused. And then the pieces began to fit together. The burglaries. The eye-witnesses that saw a group of people with masks. Ayato's frequent "late shifts." He closed his eyes. Why? Why was he doing this?

* * *

 

The following morning, having had next to no sleep, Kaneki quickly showered and left the house with his school stuff. He didn't hear a peep out of their bedroom, Ayato still sleeping soundly. Usually, if he was leaving while the younger male was still asleep, he would give him a quick kiss on the lips and be off. Sometimes, Ayato would surprise him by latching onto him and pulling him onto the bed for a few minutes (or longer) delay before heading out. But Kaneki didn't want that today. He still hadn't made up his mind what to do, what to think. He was still so shocked that Ayato would be a part of something like this in the first place.

The white-haired male had a class with Hide that morning, and he knew his best friend could tell he was off. Kaneki caught Hide looking at him out of the corner of his eye, but he pretended to be paying attention to their instructor talk about the intern program that would begin in January. The only thing he got out of the class was that he and Hide would actually be interning at the same place.

As he was packing up his laptop at the end of class, he saw he had a text from Ayato. Staring at his phone for a second, he set it back on the table without reading it, resuming his packing.

"Kaneki."

"Yeah?" he mumbled, finished.

"Wanna grab some coffee? We have a couple of hours before our next class."

Kaneki didn't feel like talking. He wanted to try and make sense of this all before he did anything else. "Nah," he said, trying to sound casual, sliding his messenger bag over his shoulder. "I'm going to the library to work on a paper."

He felt Hide's eyes on him, studying his face, his movements. "Okay," he finally said, just as casually. "I'll see you in HRM." They had a class together in the late afternoon, Human Resources Management.

"Yeah," Kaneki said off-handedly, stepping away hurriedly. "See ya."

He actually did go to the library, but working on anything was out of the question for the moment. Kaneki stared at his phone for a long time before opening it up and reading Ayato's message.

_Good morning! Where was my kiss? Will you be home for dinner tonight?_

He felt a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach. He loved Ayato so fucking much. The younger male had surrounded Kaneki's heart with an infinitesmal amount of happiness, making all of his worries and fears disappear. His actions, his thoughts, revolved around their lives together. And he knew, or at least he had thought he knew, that he meant the same to Ayato. The ring he wore, the background on his laptop, their apartment, so many things screamed Ayato at him. Was this something that would break them apart? Why would the younger male do something so crazy? So out of character for him? He was always extremely up front and open with his thoughts. It just didn't make any sense.

Kaneki rolled it around his mind for a bit longer, wondering. What if Ayato wasn't actually participating in those burglaries? And just had some weird mask for whatever reason? Very much a possibility. But then if that was the case, why didn't he talk to Kaneki about taking less hours at the convenience store? He considered just leaving school right then and there to confront the younger male with what he knew. But what if he sounded like an idiot? And it was all very explainable? Yet, Kaneki couldn't get rid of his instinctual fear that there was definitely something strange going on with his boyfriend. Maybe he could follow him?

That was a good idea, he thought. The next time Ayato went out, he would just follow him. See where he went, what he did with his mask. Maybe he could do it tonight?

_Sorry, I was in a hurry. I will be home late, around 10. Are you working tonight?_

The response came back less than a minute later. _Yeah, but then I will have off for a few days! We should use those things again this weekend ;)_

His heart was clenching. Oh if only he were worry free! He would be completely excited about the prospect of trying out massage oils with Ayato again. A few weeks ago, Ayato had hinted at wanting to try out something new, and then had pulled out a black thong, setting it in his boyfriend's lap. Kaneki had balked. What?? NO!! But then Ayato had pressed a hand into his crotch, working him over so wonderfully, voice a few octaves lower as he talked about how much fun it would be if Kaneki somehow decided to wear it one day? Playing hard to get? And getting seduced by his needy boyfriend? It had been amazingly sensual and slow, Ayato taking off his clothes, rubbing oil all over his body, fingers kneading into his muscles. Any embarrassment on Kaneki's part had melted completely away within minutes. Ayato had spent so much time massaging his body, so that when he finally made it to the insides of this upper thighs, sliding off the thong, Kaneki had already been crying out in need.

He shook his head to rid himself of thoughts of that amazingly erotic time. He wouldn't allow himself to indulge until he figured things out, knew for 100% certain what was going on. Until he could see for his own eyes what Ayato was up to.

Feeling just a tinge better that he had a plan of sorts, Kaneki opened up his laptop and focused on the research paper he was working on for one of his classes.

* * *

Kaneki killed time after his last class of the day, not ready to go home. Ayato would be able to read him too easily if he went home and kind of moped around the apartment for a few hours. He felt increasingly nervous--he kind of felt disgusted at himself that he was doing this. But he still felt very angry at having been lied to in the first place. Part of him yelled that two wrongs don't make a right. But another part of him felt incredibly betrayed. Why hadn't Ayato come to him with this before? Did he know nothing about the younger male at all? That he would participate in criminal activities? If he really was involved in this, what else did he not know about Ayato?

The overwhelming need to know for himself, see with his own eyes won out in the end. He arrived home, greeting Ayato briefly, before setting up shop in their bedroom with his laptop, putting on the appearance that he was still working on schoolwork. The younger male looked somewhat disappointed for a few minutes but then rallied, kissing Kaneki on the top of his head while he 'worked.'

"Kaneki, time for me to leave," Ayato announced, coming back into their bedroom some time later. Kaneki tore his eyes away from his laptop, analyzing his boyfriend's clothing. He had donned more black attire for this night, again wearing his shin-high boots. This time instead of noticing how sexy he was, all Kaneki felt was a bracing sadness. It was like a walled-up dam, and they were in the middle of a huge storm. Would it break or would it hold? Or rather, would Ayato be the one who broke it down?

Ayato seemed hesitant in his behavior, studying Kaneki. The older male pretended not to notice, eyes flicking back to his computer, putting on an act as if he were actually worried about his schoolwork. Right.

"Is everything . . . alright?" Ayato asked tentatively, sitting on the bed beside him.

"Yeah, yeah. It's just--this last semester before the internship is crazy already." He kept his eyes trained on his laptop screen, tense.

Fingers loosely grasped onto his chin, turning his head. And then Ayato's lips were on his. They were warm, like everything else about the black-and- blue haired male. But this kiss was different. Usually, the younger male went after him with no hesitation, making every part of Kaneki light up on the inside. However this time he held back a little, exploring, lips nudging at Kaneki to take over the kiss. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. Finally, Ayato pulled back, confused. Kaneki refocused on his computer screen, hoping for Ayato to just leave just leave just leave. He couldn't take any more of this.

"Okay well I'm leaving now. I'll see you tomorrow night? After you get out of school?" Kaneki nodded distractedly.

With one last kiss to the cheek, Ayato got up and walked to the bedroom door, glancing one last time at Kaneki before he left. Kaneki heard their front door open and then click shut softly.

The white haired male snapped his laptop shut, sliding it under the bed. He grabbed a dark green hoodie out of the closet, one he rarely wore. In the pocket of the hoodie was a skully cap he had put there a half hour ago. He was walking to the door as he threw the items on, turning the blue skully inside out in case Ayato recognized the color. He made sure to sweep as much of his hair as he could underneath it. Keys, wallet, and phone already in his pocket, Kaneki locked the door from the inside, then practically ran down the stairs in the interior of their building. He opened the door to the outside carefully, and, not seeing Ayato, took quick steps to the sidewalk.

Kaneki grew worried that Ayato would have already gotten too far away for him to follow. He looked left and right, finally spotting a head of inky black and blue hair under a street light. The white haired male began walking in that direction, putting up his hood, feeling around his forehead to make sure no hair was showing.

Ayato walked for about fifteen minutes to a subway station, descending into darkness down some stairs. Kaneki followed, glad he had his card on him. When he appeared under the dim lighting of the subway terminal, he saw that Ayato had donned the hood of his jacket. Kaneki made sure to keep some distance away from the younger male, face angled down and off to the side.

The subway came in to the terminal with a roaring screech. Kaneki made sure to board the same subway car as Ayato. He was worried that the younger male would somehow spot him, but these thoughts evaporated as he saw that Ayato had taken a seat near the front, his back to him. Kaneki peered at him as best he could, noticing he was absorbed in his phone.

Bzzz bzz came the gentle vibration of Kaneki's phone. He pulled it out of his pocket. It was from Ayato.

 _I love you_.

Kaneki shoved it back into his hoodie pocket, not responding. He was on edge, nervous about tailing his own fucking boyfriend. Ahead of him, he saw Ayato look up, reading the next stop's sign. Slowly, the younger male stood, headed for a door in front once the subway came to a halt. Kaneki didn't hesitate. There were quite a few people getting off on this stop as well, so he was sure that he wouldn't stand out in the crowd.

He followed Ayato out of the station, into a brightly lit area of the city. Businesses in this area were still either open or were continuing to have their windows lit to advertise their services. Kaneki passed a tax service, a convenience store, a McDonald's, a gentleman's club. He made sure to keep his distance, though Ayato didn't turn around at all. Occasionally, someone would come walking down the sidewalk, passing the younger male and then Kaneki. Finally, the younger male ducked into a narrow side street. The white-haired male ran to the entrance, sneakers soundlessly colliding with the sidewalk. He carefully peered around the corner, seeing that the street was so narrow it was practically an alley. He saw Ayato walking to a lone figure in the street, a hood hiding the person's face. Eager to get closer, Kaneki edged his way around the wall, hunched down, creeping to a dumpster. Breath hitching, he peered around the corner once more.

And he thought he must be seeing things. Because surely that wasn't his sister clad all in black with a smile on her face as Ayato approached. Surely that wasn't Hinami who donned her own mask at Ayato's gesture, as the younger male did the same, patting her head affectionately. Kaneki was about to yell out when he saw three other individuals approaching them from the opposite side of the narrow street. All masked. He watched as they had a brief conversation, and then as a whole, the group started to walk back down the other end of the street.

He still couldn't believe what he was seeing. It wasn't possible. Hinami? His own 17 year old sister working with Ayato in some criminal activity? No. It couldn't be. She would never do anything like that, right? He snapped back to his senses as the group was almost near the end of the alley. Swiftly, Kaneki stood, running at his full speed to the other end of the alley. He would get answers. Right now.

And then out of nowhere, an individual pushing a shopping cart along a cross-alleyway made their way right into his path. He hit it hard, shopping cart tipping over, Kaneki's abdomen pressing painfully into the side.

"Ughhh," he moaned, pushing back so he was on his haunches, his hand pressed into his side. "I'm sorry."

"Watch it, kid!" A grumpy voice yelled at him. Kaneki looked up. Ayato and Hinami were gone, as were their group. He lurched to his feet, running as best he could.

"HINAMI!! AYATO!!" He got to the end of the street, looking right and left. They were nowhere in sight. Desperate, unsure, scared, and angry, Kaneki decided to turn left after a brief hesitation. He jogged, sweat beginning to form inside the layers of his clothing. He was headed toward a seedier area of town. He saw a few more homeless people, and a handful of condemned residences. After a few moments of jogging and not seeing them, he came to realize he had probably come the wrong way.

"FUCK!" he yelled, crashing down to his knees. He was taking in air in quick puffs, emotions in turmoil once more. Remembering his phone, he ripped it out of his pocket and dialed Hinami. It went straight to voicemail. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!"

After another few minutes on the sidewalk, he slowly got up, meandering around. What next? He had no idea where to look for them. The city was massive, and they could be anywhere by now. Eventually, he decided to head to Hinami's dorm room, where she attended a private school. He took his time walking back, figuring he had a few hours until Hinami returned home. Navigating back to the subway station, he searched on his phone the best route to get there.

Once on board, he sat, thoughts running amok. His hands were on his knees, and he realized he was shaking. He still couldn't believe it. On top of Ayato involving himself in some sort of secretive and apparent criminal activity, he had dragged Hinami in as well? Anger started to mount inside of Kaneki. Ayato knew, he fucking knew how much Kaneki watched over her. She was basically the only family he had left, besides their overworked mother. Ever since they were kids, Kaneki took care of her, helped her with her homework. Cooked her dinner and tucked her in at night because their mother was too busy trying to support their family by working two or sometimes three jobs after she had been laid off.

And that's why Kaneki worked so many hours at Anteiku. He gave most of his earnings to his mother. Both he and Hinami had earned scholarships, part of their motivation being that they were less of a burden on their parent. So they didn't need much. And anything his sister needed, Kaneki was there to make sure she had it. And Ayato knew all of that. He knew that Kaneki took care of Hinami, was protective of her. So why the fuck would he let her get involved in something like this? It didn't make sense. None of this did. It hurt that the two most important people in his life were acting in a way that was completely opposite of who he had known them to be.

Kaneki dug his fingernails into his palms in frustration. He would have to find out from Hinami. She worshipped her brother, would never go against his wishes. She would tell him the truth. Kaneki would get her out of this mess.

He arrived at her school, the night still dark. There was no way he could get inside, for the doors required a key fob to gain access to the interior. Instead, Kaneki sat down on a bench near the front of the school, keeping an eye on the time. Hours seemed to pass slowly, and he felt jittery despite having gotten little sleep the previous night and none at all this night. Finally, as the sky began to lighten around him, he saw a lone small figure approaching the school, darkly clad. Kaneki got up from the bench, and met the person at the entryway to the school.

It was Hinami. Her brown eyes widened at the sight of someone approaching her, and she stopped walking. Kaneki saw her face go from one of startled fear to wary recognition after a few seconds.

"Brother? What are you doing here?" She pushed back the hood of her coat, short brown hair spilling forward.

"We need to talk. Now." There was an edge of anger in his voice.

"Um..wha--what about?" Her eyes turned glassy, brows knitting together. She had never been adept at concealing her emotions, especially around her brother. And she had never seen him angry at her before.

"Hinami."

She sighed, face tilted downwards. "We--we can talk in my room. Casey went home for the weekend."

They walked side by side in silence, Hinami chewing on her lower lip, tears already spilling down her cheeks. She unlocked her room, and then made her way to her bed, taking a seat. Kaneki shut the door behind them, turning to see Hinami clutching her hands in her lap, tears dropping onto the black fabric of her pants. And he felt his anger toward her dissipating.

"Brother, I'm so sorry!" she burst out, and then covered her eyes, her body wracked with sobs. "I just wanted to help! Please don't be mad at me!" The words came out pitifully, and Kaneki felt his heart soften. He sat beside her, taking his small sister in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his torso, shaking with emotion.

He held her for several moments until the worst of her crying was over. "Hinami, please just tell me what exactly you have been doing. And why. This isn't like you at all . . ."

"I know, I know." She sighed, wiping at her eyes. "Okay." She looked over at Kaneki, a sad frown on her face. "I was talking to Ayato--" at the mention of his boyfriend's name, Kaneki's face twisted and he looked away, seeing nothing.

"It was this one day I came over for dinner and we were waiting for you to get home from work. And I had just finished talking to mom. She had had a bad day, they decreased her hours at work, and Aunt Heather was in a bind, so mom gave her some money--"

"What?!? What was it this time?" Kaneki felt anger wash over him again. His mother's younger sister was always supposedly in need of help. Without seeming to hold down a job herself. He grit his teeth, but then turned his attention back to his sister. "Sorry, continue."

She began so speak again only after she could tell that the anger was now directed elsewhere. "And I felt helpless. I wanted to be able to help so bad. Like you. You do so much for us, Kaneki. I wanted to do the same! Give money to mom so she doesn't have to work so much. Ayato saw that something was bothering me, and I talked to him about it. He told me that he might know of some way I _could_ help."

Here she paused, eyes finding her brother's, so much alike. "He--he told me about how he was part of this group . . .they had a leader--I never met them. And then this person would give them a business or house that they were to break into. Either to get something out of that place or, or, send a message. And nobody would ever be home when this happened, we never hurt anybody. We received a lot of money for doing these things . . ."

Kaneki's face had been growing more and more angry and incredulous. " _He_ got you involved in _that_? Hinami you could have been hurt! Arrested! Even killed! What if somebody had been home or stayed late at these places? Hmm? And they had a gun? What would you have done then?"

His sister turned away, not wanting to see how she had hurt her brother by her actions. "Ayato would not have let me get hurt. He watched out for me. And--I never did the actual breaking in, I stayed nearby and monitored what was going on. They have a radio, and I listened in to make sure the police weren't coming."

"And you think that's any better? Hinami--no more. You can't do this anymore." Kaneki shook his head frantically at her. "Do any of them know what you actually look like? Your name? Besides . . . him?" Kaneki couldn't say his name. It was just a meteor that had crashed into the earth to him now, leaving utter destruction behind.

"No. Ayato and I came up with the name Yotsumae. And--"

"Do any of them know where you live?!" The wheel's in Kaneki's head were turning, trying to hold back the panic he was feeling. What would these people try to do to Hinami once she didn't show up any more? How could Ayato have gotten his sister into a mess like this? "Do they have your phone number?"

Hinami started to cry again. "No, no they don't. We always wore masks! And we communicated with these--" she held out a cell phone. "It's prepaid." Kaneki swiped it from her hand and pocketed it. Hinami offered no resistance.

"Hinami. You are never to do this again. Ever. Do you understand?" Kaneki's voice was fierce, his eyes angry.

"But--but what about mom? She needs my help, too! And what about Aya--"

"Do not same that name to me again." Hinami's mouth dropped open at the cold tone.

"But--he loves you! He even gave some of his--"

"STOP." Hinami had never seen her brother like this, a mess of anger and hurt, being ruled by these emotions instead of kindness and love. "Block his number in your phone. Do not talk to him anymore."

"Wha--what are you going to do? Brother, please, you'll talk to him, right? Things will be okay?"

Kaneki clenched his hands into fists. "No." He looked at his sister. "Promise me that you will not talk to him. Ever."

Hinami saw that her brother was serious, and her heart broke for him. Her tears became more plentiful. Kaneki wiped them away as they fell. "Promise me," he repeated.

"I promise," she whispered sadly.

Kaneki nodded, standing. He turned to leave, steps feeling heavy.

"Kaneki! Please! This was my fault, I knew what I was doing. He just wanted to help us. He loves you so much. Don't, don't do anything to him."

He ached. It hurt. He turned back to his sister, allowing himself this one moment to let his emotions show. "No, Hinami. If he had loved me, he never would have lied. Never would have gotten you involved. I cannot forgive him for this."

Hinami lurched as she stood, launching herself at her brother. He folded her in his arms, as she once again succumbed to tears. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she cried. "I love you."

Kaneki patted her hair. "I love you too. And I will find a way to help mom more. You need to focus on your studies, getting into college. Hinami, please, next time come to me first."

She nodded into his chest, and then he released her. "I'll call you later," he said softly. She just watched him sadly, as he turned away once more. And then he left before he fell apart in front of his sister.

* * *

Kaneki stepped outside, seeing that the sun had risen while he was in Hinami's room. It was beautiful, the sky a mass of bright pinks and oranges, complementing the golden orb that was the sun. How bittersweet and ironic, he thought. He knew what he had to do now. He steeled his resolve, determination the only thing now preventing him from being torn apart completely. The white-haired male called a number on his phone.

"Hey Kaneki. What's up?" Hide's voice sounded surprised. Kaneki could hear the sounds of the city in the background. His best friend was probably on his way to school.

"I was wondering if I could move back in for a month or so. Until I find a place of my own." Kaneki knew his friends were getting married in a year, and he didn't want to inconvenience them as newlyweds. But he had no other choice but to move out of Ayato's, and now. He would somehow find a way to manage his finances. He didn't care if he ended up finding a closet of an apartment for himself.

"Of course, you know that you are always welcome back. And not just for a couple of months. But why? What's going on?" Now he sounded worried.

"What are you doing this afternoon?" Kaneki asked, not answering the question.

"Well I have that 9am class, and then one later on. But nothing I can't drop if you need me."

Kaneki knew that Ayato worked at 11am, thanks to Jami's information. "Can you meet me at . . . his place . . . at 1? And bring your car? And any spare boxes if you have them. I don't have much to take back."

"That's no problem. Will you tell me then what's going on?" There was a voice on the intercom in the background announcing the next stop.

"Yeah."

"Okay. Should I wait to tell Touka about this?"

Oh. SHIT. Touka. Kaneki gripped his phone tight. She was going to hate him. Nothing he could do about it now. Maybe he could find something after a few days of staying there.

"If you wouldn't mind." He was sure that it would be all over his face once she saw him. But he couldn't let that deter him now.

"Alright. I'll see you at 1." The phone disconnected, and Kaneki felt his phone vibrate.

A text from Ayato. _Where are you?_

He sighed. He knew he had to respond, or else the younger male would grow suspicious and all kinds of worried. And then stay home until Kaneki returned. He needed to get his stuff out. Today.

 _I went for a walk this morning before school._ Which was partially true.

_Oh. Okay. Everything alright?_

HAH. Yeah, fucking perfect, Kaneki thought darkly. _Just needed some air after working all night._ Only remotely true.

Before Ayato could wonder anymore, Kaneki sent another text.

_You said you have off today, right? So you'll be home?_

_Well, they actually need me this afternoon. So I'll be back tonight._

Lies upon lies upon lies. It seemed to come so easily now. The foundation of who they were together just kept crumbling away. It dug at him, like a blunt end of an hammer. So painful as it wrenched its way into his body, becoming a wound. Why did everything have to change?

 _See you then._  Kaneki checked the time. It was just approaching 8am. He would have to wait a few hours before going back to the apartment. He made his way to the subway terminal, plopping down on a bench. He wouldn't let himself think of Ayato, because the few times he started, he felt his breathing start to get out of control and his eyes turn full with tears that threatened to fall. He would only have to hold it together until after he talked to Ayato tonight. Kaneki focused on that thought, letting it be a mantra. He felt his stomach growl angrily at him, and he realized that he hadn't eaten in about a day and a half. It shocked him. But he knew if he tried to eat anything now, it wouldn't stay in his stomach.

After a couple of hours or so had passed, Kaneki boarded the subway that would take him back to the apartment. Once there, he opened the door cautiously, just in case for some reason Ayato was there. He wasn't. The white-haired male took a look around sadly, his self-control almost slipping away. Pack, he told himself. Gather your stuff together.

He went room to room, looking for items that were his. He hadn't brought over any furniture, for Ayato had already had enough for the two of them. Really, the only things that were his were some of the toiletries in the bathroom, his clothes, his school stuff, and his laptop. The rest had remained at Hide's and Touka's. It didn't take long for him to gather these items and throw them on the couch. He took a seat, eyes wandering around the living room for anything he may have missed. They froze once he spotted the photograph on the side table.

It was the one that he had given to Ayato over a year ago. As cluttered as the rest of their apartment got sometimes, the only thing that was ever displayed on the side table near the couch was this photograph. Kaneki got up from the seat at the kitchen island and walked over, picking it up. They all looked so happy, without worries. Sometimes, while watching tv or a VHS tape, Kaneki would see Ayato just looking at the picture, lost in thought. He would squeeze the younger male's hand, wondering what he would be thinking about. Ayato would just smile and shake his head gently. Kaneki had no idea what had gone through the younger male's head at those times. And he guessed he never would. Breathing deeply out, Kaneki set the photo down.

Hide arrived soon after, eyes searching Kaneki's face. "You want to tell me what's going on now? Are you alright?"

The white-haired male appreciated his concern, but he couldn't summon the words for a full explanation. "I . . . I . . . we just aren't going to be together . . .anymore." He choked slightly on the words as they left his mouth, tears again threatening to make an appearance.

Seeming to recognize that that would be the only explanation he would get for now, Hide wrapped him in a tight hug. Kaneki could feel himself trembling slightly. He was so full of anxiety for talking to Ayato later. He didn't know how to end things with the male, the person who had come to mean more to him than anybody else in his life.

After a moment, the two separated. "Kaneki, you know I'm here for you, right? You're my best friend, and you don't have to hide away your feelings. I'm here."

Kaneki knew he meant it. But it just wasn't his way of handling his problems. He appreciated Hide's sentiment, though.

"I know. And thank you." They managed to load up Hide's car, an item that he rarely used due to the fact that everything they needed was either close to home or that it was just easier to get where he needed to go by public transportation.

"You coming now or . . ?" Hide looked at him directly, analyzing him once more. Kaneki, not able to hide any emotions any longer, just shook his head.

"Tonight."

Hide nodded, and squeezed his shoulder. And then he was gone.

Kaneki eventually went back upstairs, knowing that he couldn't delay the inevitable any more. He had to figure out what he was going to say to Ayato. He had come to realize over the last few hours that if he confronted him with what he had seen, what Hinami had told him, then Ayato would somehow be able to calm him down, and then justify his actions. Sometimes Ayato had opinions on things that were so vastly different than Kaneki. And after a while of explaining his viewpoint, Kaneki would grow to understand where he was coming from, why he would think the way he did. But Kaneki couldn't let him do that this time. There was no justifying the way he had participated in criminal activity, lied to him about his other job, and gotten Hinami involved in the criminal world as well. He knew that if he allowed it to happen, he would probably come to forgive Ayato on the first two items. But he couldn't get over Hinami's involvement.

So what would he say? And then Kaneki knew the only thing that would work. And Ayato would believe him, after the heartbreak with his father, how he never got to know his mother, and how he continued to hang onto Kaneki even after all this time together, for reassurance that he was still there, still his. He would just have to tell him he didn't love him anymore.

The heavy sound of boots echoed on the stairs outside their door, and then Kaneki heard the metallic grating of a key in the lock. He stood, feeling already as if the best parts of him had melted away, leaving a bitter shell of a man behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will probably hurt. I know it will hurt me a lot to write it. :(


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. So this chapter is pretty sad, or at least I think so. The next one will be an edited version of the one-shot I have posted, where it's 3 months post-breakup for Kaneki and Ayato. From there on, it will be an upswing for Kaneki. With the inevitable conflicts, of course. But he will be living his life and finding his way. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Tsukiyama will be making an appearance in the chapter after next. Well at least I think he will . . . OK NO DEFINITELY HE WILL.

Kaneki slowly stood from the couch, breathing in deeply. He was sure he wasn't ready for this. But it was necessary. He had to remember that. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to steady his rapidly swirling thoughts. Upon hearing bootsteps on their entryway, he re-opened them slowly. The door shut softly behind Ayato, and he set some bags on the counter, an item in his hand.

"Hey babe!" Ayato began walking over to him, a bright smile on his face. Kaneki looked down to see what the younger male was holding out to him. Another single, perfect, white rose. Just like Ayato had given him for his birthday. "For you, my love." Kaneki swallowed thickly, a lump in his throat. And he forgot why he felt like he needed to end things with his boyfriend, just knowing somehow it had to happen.

"What's wrong?" Ayato asked, frowning. He lowered the hand that was holding the rose, taking a step closer to Kaneki.

"We have to talk." His voice was devoid of feeling. Kaneki looked down at the other's feet, the leather of the black boots scratched here and there from constant wear. His mind was trying to hold off the certain and crushing hurt that would soon follow, taking in minute details of his surroundings. The laces on Ayato's right boot were coming undone, trailing along the floor. The rug in front of their television was slightly fraying at the ends.  A few VHS tapes were piled messily on their entertainment center.

"About what?" For the moment, Ayato was merely concerned, determined to fix whatever was upsetting Kaneki. He gestured toward the couch, but the older male shook his head once.

Kaneki was silent for a moment, feeling the horror of what was to come start to rush through him, invading his limbs, burning his heart, branding his mind. He breathed out shakily, not being able to stop the tears that started to well up in his eyes. He finally found the will to look up at Ayato. The beautiful blue-violet orbs were concerned. Though as seconds passed, Kaneki saw fear enter them.

"Kaneki? What is it? Tell me . . . " Ayato moved to put his hands on Kaneki's shoulders, but he moved back quickly. He knew if he allowed Ayato to get his hands on him, he would start to melt. And Kaneki couldn't allow that to happen.

There was no sense in holding back any longer. It would just hurt more the longer he waited. "I think that . . . we shouldn't be together . . . anymore," he managed to say hollowly. Ayato froze, not able to process the words. "I'm sorry."

"What?" The younger male finally said, knitting his brows, not comprehending. His arms hung limply at his sides.

Kaneki looked away from Ayato, breathing out. He reminded himself that this was necessary. That Ayato did this to them. "I don't . . . we aren't . . . together. We are breaking up." He sounded so godawful awkward. But then again, who would know how to break up with the love of their life, the one they still loved, and have it sound right? Because it didn't feel right, it felt fucking horrible, the ending of all things that made sense and were good in his life.

It hadn't hit Ayato fully yet, the complete realization of what Kaneki was saying, what he meant, what it would mean for him going forward. "Why?"

And now Kaneki really couldn't look at him. He clenched his fists, bracing himself for the words that would come spilling out of his mouth. The words that would break Ayato. The only ones he would believe. "Because I don't love you anymore." And the words were quietly spoken, wavering in their volume. The lump came back in his throat at the utter lie.

Ayato began to breathe quickly, chest moving like a locomotion up and down. He dropped the rose, a hand running through his hair. As if he could hide from what was happening, he took a few blind steps backward, colliding with the kitchen island. It knocked him to the floor.

Kaneki moved forward a step, intending to see if Ayato was okay, wanting to help him up. His hand was outstretched when he heard the sound of sobs come forth from the male in front of him. Kaneki stopped, frozen. This hurt too much, so fucking much, he couldn't take it. He was going to break. He felt the edge of the anger he had harbored all day start to wear down. He took two more steps toward Ayato when the male raised his head, face crumpled, tears staining his pale cheeks.

"Why, Kaneki? What happened? Why don't you love me anymore?" And then Kaneki remembered. He remembered his younger, innocent sister in the alleyway with Ayato. Walking away. Being a part of a group that would break into restaurants and homes. So notorious it had caught police attention and put their picture on the television. This wasn't on him. It was on Ayato. He did this to himself.

Kaneki clenched his jaw, stopped in his tracks. "Things change, Ayato." He put on his coat. "I've got to go, now."

"What? Wait! What changed? You can't just go like this! And your stuff, your stuff is still here--" The words came tumbling out, tears still streaking Ayato's beautiful, broken face. His blue and black hair fell across the side of his face, and he pushed it behind his ear.

"All of my stuff is gone now," he said in a dead voice. He tried to make his feet work, to move toward the door. But it went against who he was to see someone he loved hurting so badly. It was his gut reaction to help. But he would just make this break worse with his hesitation. He had never felt so torn before in his whole life.

"Gone. . . ? How . . .? When . . .?" Ayato's hands were on his knees as he knelt, tears glimmering on his cheeks. Despite the anguished expression on his face , he still managed to be the most exquisitely beautiful thing Kaneki had ever seen.

"Hide. He came over today."

"Hide . . .? You told him that you were ending things with me? Before you had even talked to me?" And now Kaneki saw a look of angered betrayal cross Ayato's face.

"Yes." The older male began to grow more anxious, mind and body and heart all fighting against each other for separate things. He wanted to yell at Ayato for what he had done, walk out the door, and console him all at the same time. It was maddening. This really was going to tear him apart. But first, first he had to get out of there.

"I have to go." Kaneki began walking to the door this time, but Ayato's broken-hearted words stopped him as he laid his fingers on the doorknob.

"What did I do, Kaneki? Huh? What did I do to make you stop loving me? Please just tell me." Ayato began crying again, tears cascading down his face like rapids, cheeks heightened with color due to his grief. "I know I'm not good enough for you, I've always known that. But I can fix it! I can be better! I'm going to start school, I can work less, we can spend more time together. Please! I will do whatever it takes to get you to love me again."

Goddammit he wanted to give in so badly. And as much as he was angry at Ayato for what he had done, he was still in love with him. And he wasn't going to leave letting Ayato think he wasn't good enough. He felt his feet moving forward, kneeling in front of the younger male. With a hurt cry, Ayato latched onto him, body shaking as his frame was wracked with sobs.

"Ayato. There is nothing wrong with you. You . . . uh . . . you are so wonderful." And here Kaneki felt his own tears start to well up despite the iron-clad lock he thought he had put on his heart.

"Then why? I thought we were fine, we were great! I thought we would always be together." Ayato's tears dampened the chest of Kaneki's shirt.

The white-haired male felt his heart shatter at the thought of the loss of a lifetime with Ayato. It was high time he was out of there. He started to get up, but the younger male had his fingers tightly gripped on his shirt, and he felt it stretch as he continued to try and stand.

"Kaneki, this isn't you. You're never cold, never heartless like this." Ayato looked up to his face, mystified. "What's come over you? I mean, yeah, the last few days you have been different. But before that, there was nothing! So please, don't leave without talking to me."

They both got to their feet, Ayato leaning against the kitchen island, hands now grasping Kaneki's wrists.

"I am--I am so sorry, Ayato." And he was. He was sorry that he had to break both of their hearts, and make Ayato believe that someone else that he trusted didn't care about him, or that he wasn't important to them. "I don't know what to tell you. "

"Don't know what to tell me? What?" And then Ayato's anger was back. "What the fuck, Kaneki? Huh? We spend almost two years togther and you 'don't know what to tell me'?" He raised his hands in the air, incredulous. "Do you not even care about me at all?"

"Of course I care!" Kaneki fired back, responding to the other's anger. He took a couple steps back, now that he was freed of Ayato's grasp. "I'll always care about you! You--you--" He didn't have the words. Or rather, he had words but couldn't say them.

"Is there someone else?" Ayato's jaw was clenched, body full of tension. "Have you fallen for somebody else?"

Kaneki shook his head. "No." They were silent for a few seconds, each of their minds whirring from what was happening to them. "I've got to go," Kaneki finally said quietly.

Without warning, Ayato seized a glass from the dish rack and heaved it at the wall. It shattered into pieces, flying everywhere.

"FINE THEN! GO! LEAVE ME!" Ayato gestured toward the door, eyes now blazing with emotion.

Kaneki hesitated, feeling the last remnants of their relationship coming to an end, knitting itself closed like an ugly wound. He allowed himself to fully feel it for a moment, closing his eyes, not wanting it to end but knowing it had to. "Good bye, Ayato," he murmured, finally opening his eyes. He glanced only a second at Ayato, seeing that the male was breathing in and out rapidly once again, a palm placed on the counter to keep him upright. He moved to the door.

"Good bye? Just like that? I don't think so."

Kaneki was shoved against the wall with force, Ayato's arms a cage around him. He looked at the floor, his hands in fists. He had to leave before he crumbled and gave in and told Ayato everything. But he couldn't do that. . . he couldn't be with someone who lied and put his only sibling at great risk of injury or apprehension by the police.

"If you are leaving me, right now, I deserve a better good bye than that." Kaneki looked up to Ayato's eyes to see them alight with something else this time. A challenge? He didn't understand.

And then Ayato's lips descended upon his. He had always been a passionate and demanding lover, when it came to Kaneki. And this kiss was no exception. His lips pressed into the pouty ones in front of him, his teeth knocking into the older male's, desperate to unite them once more. Kaneki opened his mouth, letting Ayato in, permitting him to cover his mouth with his again and again and again. The younger male dragged his tongue across the top of Kaneki's, moving on to explore the rest of his mouth, a trail he had explored many times before. They were both moaning, their emotions on high, rising above their current conflict. Ayato seized some of his hair, holding his neck gently with his other hand. There was no room between their bodies, melded together as both of them wanted.

Kaneki felt the stirrings of his arousal making itself known, and Ayato hmmed in pleasure, wedging a leg between the older male's. He began to slowly and agonizingly rub it on Kaneki's dick, eliciting another moan from the white-haired male's mouth. When the younger male fully rocked his lower body into his, Kaneki seemed to awaken to what he was doing. And he hated himself for it.

"No!" And he pushed Ayato away from him, still fiery with passion. The tears came then, and he swiped at them furiously, angry that he had let it go this far. Ayato glared at him, so many emotions crossing his face. Confusion, hurt, anger, love.

"Kaneki . . . how can you say you don't love me anymore? When you kiss me like that? When you respond to me like that? Huh? What aren't you telling me?" And there was a hitch in his voice. "I don't understand."

Kaneki had begun to melt in response to Ayato's embrace, his kissing, his desperation. He had actually opened his mouth, against his better judgment, to just tell the younger male everything. But then he felt his heart harden. 'What aren't you telling me?' Hmph. Hypocrite. He met Ayato's eyes, and the leftover traces of tears burned on his cheeks.

With anger blazing in his chest, the only thing that gave him the false courage to do what he would do next, he stepped over to the kitchen island. He twisted off the ring Ayato had given him, setting it down. Ayato saw what he was doing and he tilted his head, face crumpling once more, a planet knocked out of orbit. The younger male breathed out loudly, his chest heaving, arm reaching out for Kaneki.

"We are done," Kaneki said coldly, definitively, partly out of the anger that continued to sustain him right now and partly because it would be the only thing to convince Ayato he meant what he said. With that, the white-haired male turned on his heel and walked out of the door, not looking back. As he walked down the stairs, he heard a shriek accompanied with unintelligible words, and a loud thump. He paused, almost turning around, but then continued out the door.

His anger continued to fuel him, and it wasn't until he reached Hide's and Touka's building that it started to abate. He managed to make it up to their floor and collapsed in front of the door, eyes motionless, tears silently streaking down his face. While on the outside it appeared as if he were a mannequin, his insides were a star that had gone supernova.

Somewhere, in some remote part of his brain, he heard the creak of a wooden door open, saw socked feet. And then nothing.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki was not aware of time passing.

Hide had been alarmed at his friend's condition when he opened the door almost 6 days ago. After failing to get a response out of Kaneki, he had carried him inside. Touka had come out of the bedroom, screeching and wanting to call an ambulance.

"No . . ." Kaneki had murmured, the only word that he had spoken.

Eventually, Hide had taken Kaneki to his old room, gently setting him in his old bed, covering him up. "Kaneki . . . do you wanna talk?" Almost half a minute had passed before Kaneki shook his head. Figuring that his best friend needed a day or two to get over the worst, Hide had squeezed the cold hand once and then softly closed the door behind him. Through years of ups and downs, the blond knew that when he was ready, Kaneki would talk to him.

"What is going on?" Touka had savagely asked, deeply protective of those she loved. And then Hide had told her what he knew. She had immediately wanted to call her brother to extract an explanation, but Hide convinced her not to. Somehow he sensed that Ayato was hurting just as much as Kaneki, and would not respond well to learning of their friend's current condition.

A few times over the course of those days, Kaneki had emerged from his room to use the bathroom, but his whole demeanor was that of a zombie. Afterwards, he returned to his room, collapsing into bed in the same position as before. He would not eat. Hide had taken some soup and crackers in for him on a couple of occasions, trying to get him to talk or even just eat at this point. But he would come back in later and the food had been untouched. He brought in a water bottle for Kaneki, knowing that the human body could do without food for a while, but that it needed water to continue its vital functions. After a few hours, Hide had noticed that the water was also untouched. And that put him over the edge, and he had decided to take action.

He took a seat on Kaneki's bed. "Kaneki. I know that you don't want to talk about this right now. And that is fine. But you need to eat. You need to drink some water." No response. Hide sighed, steeling his resolve. He grabbed the water bottle, and it was one of those kinds with a lid where you could squirt it into someone's mouth. Undoing the top, he rolled Kaneki over, forcing his mouth open and gently squirting some water in.

The white-haired male spluttered at first, not wanting it, not expecting it. But then the primal need of his body took over, and he just lied there as Hide watered him. Like a houseplant that wasn't getting enough sun or water, powerless to change its circumstances. The blond didn't give him too much at once, knowing it might make his friend sick. He sat on the bed for a few minutes longer, contemplating. He didn't know what to do, and it ate him up on the inside. He considered calling Kaneki's mom, but he knew his friend would be angry at him for that. She worked long hours, never seeming to have a day off. He promised himself to find a way to reach Kaneki and only contact his best friend's mother as a last resort.

After 6 days of Kaneki being almost completely unresponsive, Hide knew something had to be done. The white-haired male had shown no signs of improvement, no signs of rallying. He cared deeply for his best friend. Kaneki had always been there for him when he needed him, and now the white-haired male was the one who needed support. Though he knew that his friend wouldn't like what was about to happen. Kaneki was missing school, work, not taking calls from his family. Not to mention that his health was more than likely deteriorating.

After the first day, Touka had retreated a little into herself, thoughts in turmoil. Hide was sure she was very concerned for Kaneki's health, but she had not gone into his room to see him. He wondered if it had anything to do with her fear of losing someone else, and if it had left her temporarily unable to process what to do, what to think. On the morning of the 6th day, however, both Hide and Touka agreed they needed to do something. They talked quietly in the living room, coming up with a plan.

She went inside the bathroom, starting the shower. She made sure that the water wasn't too hot, knowing full well that this would already be unpleasant for Kaneki as it was. Coming out, she nodded to Hide. The blond opened the door to Kaneki's room.

"I'm sorry Kaneki. But this needs to happen ," he said softly to his friend. And with that said, he scooped Kaneki into his arms, the male feeling much lighter than he should. Touka stood near the doorway, watching it all with wide eyes. And suddenly, Kaneki came alive.

"NOOOO! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!" He hollered at the top of his lungs, squirming weakly in Hide's arms. At this, the blond shifted him easily over his shoulder, holding him securely as he walked to the bathroom. Kaneki began battering his friend's back with petulant fists, though they were not nearly strong enough blows to bruise.

Touka snapped out of her confused inaction. Seeing the level to which Kaneki had descended made her see for herself just how bad her friend was handling this all. He wasn't just holed up in his room, pining. It was almost as if someone important in his life had died, and he was on his way out with them. She walked into Kaneki's room, opening the window, stripping the bed of its sheets and comforter. The male hadn't showered in all this time, and the both of them wanted him to come back in to a clean room. She dragged the bedding to their washer, dousing it with plenty of detergent.

Hide managed to get his friend into the shower in a seated position. He had derobed himself at some point over the past 6 days, and was only clothed in his underwear. Touka arrived back into the bathroom to see Kaneki trying to weakly crawl out of the tub. It was too much.

"That's enough. Sit down. You need this," Hide told him sternly. Kaneki gave in, letting the warm spray of water fall onto his bowed head, not having the energy to do anything else. And then his shoulders were shaking, sobs erupting from his chest, the sound the most heart-breaking thing Hide had ever heard.

"I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry . . ." the white-haired male repeated softly through his gasping tears, rocking back and forth, hands going up to cover his eyes. Hide set a warm palm on Kaneki's shoulder and looked up to meet Touka's eyes. Hers were on Kaneki's pitiful form, his shrunken body, the outline of his ribs showing. And something else snapped inside of her.

"My fucking brother!" she said viciously. With a whirl, she left the room, and Hide heard the scrape of keys as they left their table. And then the slam of a door.

Hide turned his attention back to his friend. "Kaneki. You have nothing to be sorry over."

The other stopped his rocking, but refused to remove his hands from his face. "I'm a mess," he croaked wearily.

Hide reached for the shampoo. He doled out a small amount into his palm and then kneeled next to Kaneki, rubbing it through dampened locks. "What happened?"

Kaneki let out a shaky breath. It took a moment for him to answer. "He betrayed me. . . And I couldn't be with him after that . . ." He hiccuped.

Hide noticed that his friend seemed to be relaxing a bit under the warmth of the water and the massage of shampoo on his head.  The white-haired male stretched his legs out tentatively. Hide wanted to keep him talking. "Did he . . . did he cheat on you?"

"No." Finally, Kaneki removed his hands, taking a look at his surroundings, one by one.

The blond nodded to himself, standing to adjust the spray of water so it rinsed Kaneki's hair.

"Hide . . . I can do this. But could you grab some clothes for me? Please?"  Hide looked over to see Kaneki looking at him with the slightest bit of an earnest expression on his face.  A drastic difference between him now and the zombie he had been for the past 6 days.

"Of course. I'll be right back." He dug through the boxes until he found some underwear and pajams for his friend, and then tapped lightly on the door before coming back in. He was pleased to see that Kaneki was now scrubbing vigorously at his face with soap, still seated.

"Kaneki. I'm going to make something for you to eat. You have to eat a little of it. Okay?"

"I'll try." It was good enough for Hide.

Some minutes later, Kaneki emerged from the bathroom, taking a seat at the table. Hide eyed him in concern, seeing bloodshot eyes, his skin a sickly pallor.

"I made you some soup. Try to eat what you can, but slowly." He set the bowl in front of Kaneki, and took a seat at the table next to him.

Kaneki looked up to meet Hide's eyes, his voice still somewhat of a croak from disuse. "Hide, thank you. For caring. And putting up with me."

His friend just stared back at him. "Anything for you, Kaneki. You should know that by now."

The white-haired male nodded softly, lost in thought. He ate a spoonful of soup, and then another. Hide continued to monitor his progress until he had eaten half of the contents. Kaneki sighed.

"I don't think I can eat anymore just now." His friend took the dish away to the kitchen, and then Kaneki noticed his own phone on the table.

"Your sister called you. And you have a few texts. When you're up to it, maybe we can go over what you missed in class." Kaneki nodded, reaching for his phone. It felt so weird to be thinking about these things again. A rush of shame overcame him, and he felt full of chagrin at how much worry he must have caused everybody. And he had missed a few shifts at work--he shouldnt've done that, with his mother and sister depending on him. Exhaling loudly, he began to make a few calls.

 

* * *

 

Touka huffed loudly as she entered Ayato's building, shoes clomping as she made her ways up the stairs. When she reached #4, she tried the doorknob, but it was locked. No matter. For she had Kaneki's keys. Slipping the key in the lock, she let herself in.

She walked in to a lifeless living space. There were no dirty dishes in the sink or the smell of something cooking in the kitchen. No clean smell of laudry swishing around in a washer. Shutting the door behind her, she looked over to the couch. Ayato was looking at her hopefully, but when he saw it was his sister, his face returned to one of resigned distress.

"Touka? What are you doing here?" he asked dejectedly.

Anger still coursing strongly within her, Touka stalked over to her brother and slapped him across the face. It was a strong blow, leaving a red handprint on his cheek. He hadn't made a move to stop her. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD. What did you do to him, huh? WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?"

Touka didn't acknowledge the look of confusion and anger that passed over his face. "What? What do you mean? He--"

"I had to watch as Hide carried Kaneki into the house after you destroyed him. He fucking collapsed in front of our door. Didn't eat anything all that time. Hide had to FORCE him to drink water. And today. Today I had to watch as my fiance carried his screaming best friend, who was pounding him on the back the whole time, into the bathroom to take a shower. So I want to know. What did you do to him?" She was vicious, her eyes narrowed so that they were almost mere slits.

Looking around the couch area, Touka saw empty beer bottles, an almost empty bottle of wine, and the casings of cigarette packs that were crumpled and lying on the floor. His crystal ashtray was full of ash and cigarette butts. She looked back at Ayato, more carefully this time. Her brother was a mess, hair greasy and uncombed. Shirt stained with who knows what. He probably hadn't moved from the couch very much. But this did nothing to assuage the anger raging inside of her.

Ayato reacted strongly to what she told him, coming alive for the first time in days at the mention of the white-haired male suffering, eyes bright with purpose. He had a course of action to take, and in reality, Kaneki was the only direction he would ever want to follow. "I have to go to Kaneki!" He started to get up. "I have to see him!" His first thoughts were of his love's well-being, forgetting the mess they were in for those seconds.  Forgetting the anger and hurt he felt toward Kaneki and the whole fucking situation, just wanting to comfort him somehow. He didn't even stop to think about what he looked like. Things like that didn't matter.

"The fuck you do. You think you are getting anywhere near him? You can forget about it. You would just hurt him worse by being around." Ayato paused in his movements, and then seemed to realize the truth behind her words. He settled back into the couch, full of frustration and anger through his inability to act. He kicked wildly at his coffee table, moving it a few feet, causing the ashtray to slide off and fall to the floor.

"I don't understand though. I don't know what I did! He was the one who broke up with me, he told me he didn't love me anymore. . ." he trailed off, meeting his sister's gaze.

Touka leaned back, arms crossed. "You had to have done something. Because obviously you should know that he wouldn't have reacted like that if he no longer loved you."

Ayato brightened on the inside just a bit at the thought that Kaneki still cared for him, but then went back to being crushed at what the older male had experienced in their time apart. He had had no idea. He had only thought Kaneki didn't want to be with him anymore, and went on his way living his life the way he wanted to. And as much as he hated living without Kaneki, felt wrong without him, he had decided to try and come to terms with his decision, because he figured it was what would make Kaneki happy. But now that he knew better . . .

Kaneki still loved him. But he didn't want to be with Ayato. It was a jagged cut on the inside of him, shredding its way through his organs. But even worse was knowing that the older male was hurting and he could do nothing to help him. It cut deeper than his own pain did. He was responsible for it.

Ayato suddenly seemed to realize something, looking horrified. He looked around for his phone, finding it finally on the kitchen island. He pressed a few buttons, holding the phone to his ear.

"You aren't calling him, are you?" Touka said accusingly. He shook his head. But then he took the phone away from his ear, looking confused.

"The call didn't go through for some reason." He looked at his sister in frenzied contemplation. "Can I borrow yours?"

She eyed him speculatively, still angry, but anxious to get more information. She held it out to him wordlessly. Again he hit a few buttons and put the phone to his ear.

"Hinami? Hey--" Ayato stopped to listen. Touka could hear the sweet and normally chirrupy voice on the other end.

"Ayato? Why are you calling me from Touka's phone?"

"Because I couldn't get to you on mine. Have you talked--"

"Look, I'm sorry. But I can't talk to you anymore. I promised my brother that I wouldn't. So if you call me again from Touka's phone, I will have to block her too. Bye, Ayato." And then the line disconnected.

Ayato stared at it for a minute, realizing what must have happened, the feeling of everything collapsing around him washing over him again. Why hadn't Kaneki let him explain? He knew that he was to blame, but he could make Kaneki undestand why . . .

"What was that with Hinami? Huh? You got her involved in this too?" Ayato's turned his head away from his sister. It was as good as a confirmation that she would get. He held his hand out to her, and she snatched her phone from him, fingernails scratching into his skin.

"I warned you. I WARNED YOU. That day on my balcony. I told you that you couldn't mess this up. Kaneki is too good of a person, too big hearted, and you came around and bulldozed the fuck out of it. And you somehow turned his sister against you too? You really messed up, Ayato. I can't say I blame Kaneki for ending it. You don't deserve him." Each word was a blow stronger than the slap she had given him. Without another word, she left the apartment, slamming the door behind her. He didn't try and stop her. She was right.  He didn't deserve Kaneki.

He collapsed lifelessly back onto the couch, eyes on the ceiling, seeing nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

Some twenty minutes or so later Touka was outside her own apartment building. Once in front of her door, she took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. Kaneki would need both Hide and herself, and it wouldn't be good if she went inside over emotional and swearing up a storm. Quietly, she let herself in. The tv was on at a low volume. Hide was lying on the couch, and he smiled gently at her as she walked over to him. He reached out and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. She returned it. Touka was happily surprised to see Kaneki nestled into the big recliner, the footrest extended. He had a blanket tucked around him, his hair feathered softly around his face from drying while still uncombed. He must've been asleep before she came in, for he looked up with blurry, blinking eyes.

"I'm sorry I woke you," she said quietly.

In response, he merely held out a hand to her, and once she put her own small hand in his, he pulled her down next to him. She laid her head on his shoulder, and he pivoted his own head to the side so that it was resting on hers. He smelled like Hide's shampoo and soap.

Touka glanced over at her fiance. He was now looking at them tenderly, a hopeful expression on his face. And in that moment, she allowed herself to hope that everything would be all right too, smiling the smallest of smiles. After a few moments, Kaneki was breathing softly, peacefully, asleep once more. He was so fragile, and together she and Hide would help put the pieces back together with him. Touka felt tears sting her eyes for the first time in a very long time, and then she too fell asleep. Hanging onto Kaneki but also shielding him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone keeps reading despite the sads of this chapter! I mean, Tokyo Ghoul isn't the happiest of worlds out there. But it will be looking up soon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the night that Kaneki is supposed to meet Hide and Touka out to celebrate his birthday, he runs into Ayato.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally a one-shot I wrote that is still posted in my works in its original form. I have edited it for Bittersweet, adding about 1,000 words. This is the last we will see of Ayato for a while. Though he will be back. The next chapter will be the beginning of a new direction for Kaneki.

Kaneki watched disinterestedly as the beer sloshed around in his glass. It was getting pretty warm by now, seeing as how he had been nursing it for the past half hour. Where were Hide and Touka? It was Christmas Eve, and this was the earliest that they were all able to get together for his birthday that had passed by four days earlier. The two of them had gotten almost to the point of begging him to come celebrate, but now they were late. And he didn't want to be out, here especially. Memories started to seep in of mischievous indigo eyes and blue-tipped locks. He gripped the handle on his glass tightly. NO. STOP.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think of something else. Anything. It didn't work. What did Dr. Itori tell him at their first meeting to do in these kinds of cases? That's right, deep breath in--

"Kaneki."

The emotional male opened his eyes and looked to the speaker. And felt his heart plummet.

Ayato.

Ayato, hair now dyed entirely midnight blue. The length grown out and grazing slender but strong shoulders. Strands partially covering his forehead. Wide blue-violet eyes looking expressionlessly at him. Waiting for some sort of response. He was just as breathtakingly beautiful as Kaneki remembered. He noticed that Ayato now had a piercing in his left ear, a sort of metallic, paper-clip shaped earring but larger than the standard size. The white-haired male wondered vaguely when his ex got it done.

All he could do for a minute or two was concentrate on his breathing. These past three months had been unbearable, and he had barely managed day to day. On some days, he made it through their front door after school and let it all out in his room, tears falling steadily, leaning against his closed door. If it hadn't been for Hide and Touka being patient with him, supporting him, not calling attention all the time to the days he was down, he didn't know if he would still be here.

"You haven't seen me in months and you have nothing to say to me?" There was a hitch in Ayato's voice, and his eyes narrowed. In anger? In pain?

There were too many words and none at the same time. Kaneki clenched the front of his own shirt, trying to shove down the pain that had begun to blossom. He pushed his beer away from him as he stood, intending to leave, not even bothering with his coat. He didn't get two steps before a strong arm barred his way. He looked down at it, resigned.

"Have a drink with me."

Kaneki turned back around in silent acquiescence, keeping his gaze on the bar in front of him. The bartender poured two shots of an amber liquid for them. Must be Crown, he thought. Always had been Ayato's favorite in mixed drinks, for some reason. He usually kept a bottle of it on hand in his apartment, though where he got it from had remained a mystery to Kaneki. He had somehow never asked. Just another unanswered question in the book of Ayato and Kaneki.

They drank their shots, no toast, no words. The older male grimaced. He had never liked the taste of it, and Ayato knew it. Kaneki waited, nervous and sad and scared. He felt the blue-haired male's eyes on him, as if trying to figure something out.

"You're coming with me." Kaneki nodded. He had expected something like this.

Silently, Kaneki slipped on his coat, wrapping his scarf around his neck. He grabbed his blue skully out of his pocket, covering the somewhat messy white locks. With that done, Ayato headed to the door, with Kaneki following. When the blue-haired male had appeared, all thought of Hide and Touka vanished.

Once outside, they trudged through the snow, boots crunching on the sidewalk. Kaneki figured they were headed to Ayato's apartment, a few blocks over. He decided not to ask. A gust of wind blew down the street, making him shiver. Christmas lights were on in each store they passed, and the night was filled with the laughter of children and adults, happy. So much happy in the air. Kaneki hated it. It was a knife to his gut, salt in his wounds.

"You followed me that night, didn't you?"

A pause. A frosty exhalation. A heart-breaking confession. "Yes."

Ayato nodded to himself, confirming what he already knew. He clenched his gloved hands into fists, and looked down, dark blue hair hiding his face. It was impossible to tell what emotion he was experiencing.

They reached Ayato's building, and the two males climbed the stairs. The heavy sound of their footsteps on the stairs was jarring against the silence that had fallen between them. Kaneki's heart thudded dully, everything that had changed in the past three months surfacing once more. It hurt, the ugly wound unknitting itself. Oozing infectious material back into his bloodstream.

The moment they were inside the apartment, Ayato slammed the door behind Kaneki, and then pushed him against it forcefully.

"Why didn't you tell me?! Huh?! Why?!" Ayato's face was inches away from him, his yells surely being heard in the next unit over. Kaneki had only seem him this worked up one time before . . .he shut off that frame of mind. Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it.

When he didn't receive an answer, Ayato slammed his palms on the door, boxing Kaneki in.

"Well?! Tell me, goddammit! I think I deserve to know." The blue haired male gazed heatedly at Kaneki, mouth turned down into a horrible grimace, chest heaving.

Kaneki met his eyes and regretted it. Ayato looked inconsolable, and beyond angry. He wasn't used to this. He had always thought that Ayato had been the stronger one. "It was for the best . . . "

An incredulous and derisive laugh erupted out of Ayato's mouth. "Are you kidding me? For the best? That you lied to me? Said you didn't love me anymore?" A feeling as if a vise had his heart and was slowly and painfully clenching it started to make its presence known to Kaneki, and he breathed out slowly, trying to ease the pressure. It was no good.

The white-haired male looked down, recalling that day, the worst of his life. He didn't want to see the wrecked look that was written across the beautiful face in front of him, and was fully conscious of the fact that he was breathing in the familiar scent that was Ayato. Laundry detergent and a faint hint of cigarette smoke. This was dangerous. He felt his walls beginning to crumble. He would give anything, do anything for Ayato. But he couldn't go back to that place, who they were then. He could not forgive Ayato.

"You shouldn't have lied to me, Kaneki." Ayato touched his warm forehead to the white-haired male's. It was the first skin-to-skin contact between the two of them in three months. It made Kaneki warm, too. The younger male always had that effect on him.

"You shouldn't have lied to me, either."

A few beats of silence. Suddenly, smooth lips smashed into Kaneki's, and not surprisingly easing the vise-like feeling in his chest. It was such a relief to let go of it, to feel a thread of happiness run its course through his veins again, for the moment ignoring the fact that this would bite away at him later. Ayato was the cure, the antidote, to this pain that he had feeling these past few months. There was no holding back anymore. He returned the passionate kiss just as eagerly, a hand on the back of Ayato's neck and lightly holding onto him. The white-haired male could feel the raging pulse in the other's neck, his skin now burning up underneath his fingers.

Ayato pulled back without warning. Kaneki looked at him in confusion, mind hazy with arousal. With narrowed eyes, the blue-haired male unzipped his thick, black coat and threw it one-handedly across the room. He quickly unwound his purple scarf from around his neck, and tossed it toward his coat as well, eyes entirely on Kaneki. The white-haired male had only a second to see that Ayato was dressed in a tight-fitting black v-neck and matching slim fit jeans, the color his usual choice for attire. With this done, Ayato stalked purposefully back to Kaneki, removing the white-haired male's coat and scarf as well. He placed them on the back of a chair, then assertively moved a toned leg so that it was in-between Kaneki's and pushed in on the white-haired male's groin.

The pleasure that spiked through Kaneki then had him scratching the short ends of his nails into the wooden door. Ayato re-joined their lips, kissing him hard and aggressively, taking all he wanted. Kaneki felt his lips being passioinately mashed, nipped at, the other male working his mouth over quickly. His lip was bitten, tugged away from his teeth, as the siege continued. They were both moaning now, the familiar passion that had united them for so long showing its face yet again. It could not be denied. Kaneki felt one of Ayato's hands slide slowly up his arm, over his shoulder, curving at his neck, continuing its trek upward. He curled his fingers into the blue skully on Kaneki's hair, yanking it off his head.

Kaneki hadn't been with anybody since the last time with Ayato. The sudden return of these feelings was immensely pleasurable but it stung spitefully at him, trying to take him back to three months ago, where life had been perfect. How fucking bittersweet. He didn't know if he could do this. Ayato grabbed a handful of his hair just then, yanking his head back, exposing his throat. With the other hand gripping Kaneki's shoulder, the blue-haired male was able to effectively restrict his movements. Dominating him already. The male moved his thigh again against Kaneki's responding arousal, and then began to attack his neck. He felt the skin there being bitten, sucked on. He was being consumed. It felt so unbelievably good. Bliss to give in to somebody else, let them take control of the situation without having to make any decisions.

"Mmmnnh," he moaned. In response, Ayato tightened his grip on Kaneki's hair, knocking his head back into the door. Whether on purpose or not, the white-haired male didn't know. He didn't really care. He put his hands on Ayato's ass, pulling him closer somehow, rubbing himself onto him. With a growl, the younger male broke off of his neck, turning his face to the side.

Kaneki realized suddenly that this same positioning, this exact place was the last place they had done something like this. Full of emotion and forgetting their problems while dry humping against the front door. He came to see that this would only further hurt the two of them. He didn't care how it would effect himself, but he knew that it would further break Ayato. The blue-haired male always had been emotionally wild. Doing and saying whatever had been foremost in his immediate thoughts. So he wasn't thinking clearly of what this could do to him. Kaneki didn't want to shatter any more of the other male's heart, so what he was about to do next would be what was for the best for both of them.

"Ayato. NO." He pushed at the younger male. He hadn't been expecting it, so Kaneki was able to get out of his restrictive embrace, stepping to the side to put more distance between the two of them.

"You're a complete asshole." And Ayato's voice was full of an exposed hurt and a sullen anger.

Kaneki's brown eyes met turbulent blue-violet. He didn't know how to respond. What did Ayato want out of this? And then he understood. The forceful kissing, the aggressive hair-pulling, the war on his neck. Ayato was more than angry at him. Possibly he hated him. Kaneki had wounded the blue-haired male by adding to the pile of people in his life that had said or proved that they didn't care about him, didn't want him, didn't love him. And that pain turned into anger which turned into motivation and guided all of Ayato's actions. He needed to be angry at Kaneki in order to fight off the hurt. And letting the blue-haired male do what he wanted to him right now would help make that happen.

Kaneki closed his eyes softly. He could do this. He would do this. Deep breath in . . .

He walked toward Ayato's room, pulling off his shirt as he walked, revealing pale, perfect skin. Thinner than Ayato was accustomed to seeing. He sat down on the bed, unlacing his boots and pulled them off. They made a loud thunk as he let them fall carelessly to the floor. Then he walked back to the doorway, head down, eyes trained on the floor, bracing himself for the onslaught that was sure to come.

The quick footsteps that sounded on the wooden floor were the only hint that he had that Ayato was coming toward him, for him. The younger male wrapped his arms around Kaneki, picking him up from under the thighs and then threw him on the bed. A huff escaped from the white-haired male, exhaling due to the force with which he was thrown onto his back.

He looked up to see Ayato had his head tilted to the side, analyzing him critically. "Why are you doing this?" A hard edge to his voice. A clench of his jaw.

He could do this. He would do this. "You ruined us, Ayato. YOU." He shoved down the tremor in his voice that was threatening to make itself known. Instead, he swallowed heavily. "You lied to me, you could have gotten my sister arrested. Or hurt. Or killed. " He summoned all of his pain into a glare, throwing it back in Ayato's face, tone full of malice, the words themselves a slap across the face. " _I hate you_. There's only one thing you could ever do for me now." He despised himself for saying these things. But it was for the best . . .

Ayato's face faltered for a few seconds, revealing a fresh wave of raw emotion, before it smoothed into a hardened mask. Kaneki had never seen such animosity on the blue-haired male's face, directed towards him, before.

With a grunt, Ayato took off his shirt and boots. He climbed onto his bed, staring at Kaneki for a moment with rage-filled eyes, fueled by the hurtful words Kaneki had hurled at him. He grabbed onto the white-haired male's thighs again, effortlessly turning him around so that he was on his stomach. The older male felt movement behind him, the tips of his fingers coming into contact with Ayato's knees as he straddled him from behind.

Without warning, he felt Ayato pulling at his hair again, and his strong left arm forcing its way under his arm, across the front of his body, gripping his right shoulder so tightly he was sure it would be bruised tomorrow.

"Is this what you wanted? Huh? You want me to fuck you?" Ayato spat the words at him, each one sounding like a curse. He pulled Kaneki back against his chest, his breath sounding ragged in the white-haired male's ear. Kaneki remained silent, letting Ayato do as he wished. He couldn't turn his head to look at him, though. Because then Ayato would see nothing but hurt. Barely contained despair. He couldn't do that to him.

With no answer, Ayato let go of Kaneki's hair and lowered his hand to the button on the white-haired male's jeans. After unzipping them, he rudely forced his way under the band of Kaneki's underwear, gripping his cock tightly. Completely disregarding the pained and brief cry that came out of the older male's mouth, Ayato began another battle on Kaneki's neck, one that he would undoubtedly win.

"Hahhh . . . . ahhh . . . " Kaneki felt his breath hitch, the room around him turning hazy again. Ayato was masterfully handling his cock, gripping it more firmly than he had been used to. Slowly and agonizingly he pumped Kaneki, at the same time alternating between rough kisses and soft bites at his neck. The white-haired male was completely at the mercy of Ayato, but the blue-haired male wasn't holding back.

Kaneki could feel Ayato's breathing intensify, out of control. He pushed Kaneki foward, away from his heaving chest, muttering a curse. The blue-haired male pulled off the other's jeans and boxer briefs, unbalancing Kaneki in his lack of consideration and haste. He got off the bed, circling around to his side table, all the while keeping a look of haughty domination fixed on his face. The white-haired male could see Ayato eyeing him out of his peripheral vision, shoulders back, chest out. Rifling around in the contents of a drawer, the blue-haired male soon found what he sought after.

Kaneki felt movement on the bed behind him as Ayato again took a position behind him. He heard the sound of a plastic top pop, and then silence.

"Hahhhhhh . . . "

Ayato thrust a lubricated finger into Kaneki, moving quickly through the motions of preparing the male in front of him, skipping a step or two. Quickly, too quickly, he added a second. Kaneki grimaced, clenching his eyes shut.

"You're so tight now, Kaneki. Like a little bitch."

The blue-haired male received no response but labored breathing. It was time. Ayato took off his jeans, kicking them to the side. His underwear quickly followed. He gave himself a pump or two, eyeing the slender male body in front of him. Beautiful, he started to think, but then switched that off. Weakness, he thought instead, disdainfully. He sneered, climbing back onto the bed, grabbing onto Kaneki's hips tightly.

"You're all mine right now."

He thrusted inside of Kaneki, having applied a minimal amount of lube on his cock. Ayato felt Kaneki tense up and a cry of pain escaped from his lips. His own face tightened in discomfort, but he ignored it.

"Your pain is mine, too."

The white-haired male felt Ayato begin to rock back and forth inside of him, grunting lewdly at the majority of his thrusts. It hurt for a couple of moments, until Kaneki felt his body relaxing, finding it impossible to not enjoy the way Ayato was dominating him. He felt himself responding, pushing his hips against the forward motion of Ayato's. At the next thrust, the blue-haired male hit the right spot, causing the other to cry out.

"Aya . . . to! Ahh . . . uhhhnn. . . "

"You like that? Hmm?" Ayato thrust harder, wrapping one arm around the center of Kaneki's abdomen, pulling him close once again. The other hand trailed down and latched onto the white-haired male's erection, swollen with need. He yanked on Kaneki, squeezing him, pumping him, owning him. The older male looked down, not really focusing on much, until his eyes caught on something that stood out. The room was dimly lit by Ayato's table lamp, the soft glow illuminating their joined bodies in golden light. And Ayato's thin pale fingers contrasted with the dark item decorating his last digit.

He still wore his ring.

Kaneki felt himself spiraling out of control, a weathered house caught in the onslaught of a strong tornado. His emotions varied from second to second, fighting for dominance. Tears of heartbreak started to cascade down his face, landing as silent droplets on the cotton coverlet. This was too much. Ayato relentlessly fucked him hard, holding him tightly, making him his over and over and over. But then, out of nowhere, the white-haired male felt warm drops of liquid dropping down onto his shoulders, rolling down his back. And with a flash of realization, Kaneki knew what was happening.

"Why, Kaneki? Why?" Ayato's voice was deep, but muffled, as he spoke into his neck. More tears gathered on Kaneki's shoulders. Ayato was hurting. And he was powerless to stop it. It ate away at him, like a scavenger on a carcass.

"Why?" A jerk on Kaneki's cock. "Why?" A rough bite on his neck.

Kaneki felt himself approaching his climax, his body completely in Ayato's control. With one last pump, he came, yelling out in passion and despair. Ayato pumped him a few more times, gripping the spent cock firmly, before returning that hand to one of Kaneki's hips. He pushed in harder than before, once, twice, three times, moaning and breathing heavily. And then felt himself fill Kaneki's tight space with his seed.

He breathed in and out a few times, still holding the white-haired male close to his chest, letting the attachment linger. Almost as if he knew this would be the last time. The remnants of his tears trailed down his cheeks. He wiped angrily at them, pulling out of Kaneki, and then moved to his bathroom. Coming back, he saw that the older male was lying down on his side, staring into nothingness. He switched off his lamp and crawled into bed.

Part of Kaneki's mind was aware of the fact that Ayato had returned to the bed and had lied down, his back to him. This was completely foreign territory for him, for Ayato had always needed him close, always needed to touch him. Especially as they slept. They were silent for a few moments, until the blue-haired male spoke.

"I hate you too, Kaneki."

And then Kaneki knew. What they had just done hadn't helped to fuel what he had originally thought was Ayato's anger or hate toward him. The younger male had given him what he thought Kaneki wanted. Sex . . . the one thing that Kaneki had just told him was the only thing Ayato could do for him now. And the blue-haired male had given all of himself, making himself vulnerable again to the man that he loved. Further proven by the fact that Ayato still wore the sign of his love on his hand. The realization had Kaneki turning his short fingernails into the skin of his palm, loathing himself. Ayato didn't hate him.

Silence returned to the room, and Kaneki watched as Ayato's breathing eventually evened out, his body relaxing into the abyss of sleep. A half hour or so had passed, and Kaneki could feel an intangible internal timer beginning to warn him that his time was almost up. He reached out a tentative hand, running his fingers lightly through the midnight blue hair in front of him. It was soft. Moonlight found its way in, casting a ray of pale light into the room and on Ayato's sleeping body. Kaneki's eyes committed the shape of his body, the line of his spine, the angular shoulders, all to memory.

"I love you, Ayato," he whispered.

It was now time to leave, a part of him knew. And he could never come back. Though it was the last thing he wanted to happen, another part argued. GET UP. GET UP. GET UP. GET UP. NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

Slowly, so as to not disturb Ayato, Kaneki lifted himself off of the bed and silently retrieved his clothing. He put it all on haphazardly, but couldn't find his skully. Whatever. He opened the front door slowly, locking it from the inside and stepped outside. The air out here was colder, and he reluctantly headed toward the stairs. Strangely, he stopped at the mailboxes on the first floor, and stared at #4 for a few moments, tears running down his face. Kirishima. With a deep and weary exhalation, Kaneki closed his eyes and then felt his body moving. Forward and away.

"Goodbye, Ayato."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsukiyama will be making his appearance next chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki has developed a coping mechanism. 
> 
> Hinami graduates from high school.
> 
> Hide calls Kaneki out on his shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: With a great amount of help from my smart and wonderful best friend (Majesticartax here on Ao3), I've done some psychology research on what Kaneki is currently experiencing. I wanted to make it authentic for the emotional trauma he's been through. Right now he employs a coping mechanism, so as to avoid further psychological hurt. He has control over this behavior, but at the same time he feels like shit about himself, which he thinks he deserves. Let me know if you need any further explanation about the behavior.
> 
> With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter. It was a challenge to write.

June, about 6 months later

The room was a boring off-white color, the carpet the color of coffee with cream. There were no picture frames or works of art on the walls. The bed felt kind of lumpy, the comforter not soft at all. It featured a green paisley pattern. The room itself smelled vaguely of dirty laundry. A glance over at the bookcase revealed works of the non-fiction variety. Oh, wait. Was that a Takatsuki Sen novel? Nope. Boring. Just like this blowjob Kaneki was currently receiving.

He sighed softly. Of course, it wasn't heard by the male currently working between his legs. What was his name again? Lance? Liam? Something like that. It didn't really matter. He wouldn't be seeing him again after tonight.

Lance or Liam or Lanceliam had Kaneki's entire cock stuffed in his mouth, going to town on it, probably thinking he was good at it. He was kneeling on the floor by the side of the bed, hands on Kaneki's bare knees, making indecent sounding noises as he sucked. Ew. Kaneki wondered vaguely if he was going to have a problem finishing, and wondered why he continued to let himself get into these kinds of situations. Oh, that's right. Because he was a sack of shit. Kaneki figured he better hurry this along.

"Hey . . . why don't you come up here?"

Lanceliam's mouth came off of Kaneki's cock with a soft popping noise, and then he stood up beside his bed. Kaneki got a good look at him again, guessing him to be around the 6'5 mark. Somewhat muscly. Okay to look at. Though he was trying too hard with the whole long blond haired and indoor tanning bed look.

Kaneki crawled backward across the width of the bed, encouraging Lanceliam forward with a curl of his index finger. The gargantuan male conjured up what was supposed to be a sexy grin, but only made the shorter male want to roll his eyes. Instead, he watched as the tall male laid his naked body down on top of his needily, joining their mouths into an awkward kiss, grinding into Kaneki's reluctant erection. Their mouths couldn't seem to join up properly, and when they did, Lanceliam jammed his huge tongue down Kaneki's throat, rotating it around like a tire.

Fucking gross, Kaneki thought. This is the worst kiss I've ever had. He contemplated just bailing completely on the inadequate male, but then Lanceliam pulled back, stretching an airstrip-length arm over to his side table. Kaneki watched as he grabbed a foil-wrapped packet and a bottle of lube. It was about goddamn time.

Lanceliam tried to make a show of ripping open the foiled packet of the condom with his teeth, but it didnt work. Kaneki tried not to laugh at the sight. He bit the inside of his mouth to hold it back. Frustrated, the overly tan blond took it from his mouth, using thick fingers to tear it open. He rubbed it onto . . Kaneki looked down . . .a veiny thick cock, kind of a stubby sausage, wider in proportion than the length. He turned his head to the side. Welp, that was certainly going to sting. Kaneki turned over, presenting his shapely ass to Lanceliam. There was no way he was going to stare this fuck in his eyes while being pounded. It was the only way to prevent Kaneki from frowning in derision.

Lanceliam began to prepare him, rubbing lube around his rim, his fingers trying to press it into his skin. As if he were giving his asshole the massage of a lifetime. Now Kaneki rolled his eyes. He was going to have to get cheesy.

"Mmmm, your fingers...." he murmured, "put them in me."

The human tree took the hint, inserting a digit inside of him. Soon enough, a second was inserted, and then Lanceliam began to rotate them around in a circular motion. What the fuck was with this guy?? Was his brain also stuck in a never-ending rotation? To say the least, it was ineffective. Kaneki wondered how many men this guy had been with before him. Maybe two. Or one. Yeah, it was probably one.

"Hmmmm, now...." he murmured. "Your dick. Now...."

Lanceliam didn't hesitate. One hand on Kaneki's hip to hold him still, the other guided his stubby cock inside. Now we're getting somewhere, Kaneki thought. As expected, it stung a little. Though not too much. The taller male began to rock back and forth inside, creating a pleasurable rhythm that had the other rocking back with his own hips to meet each thrust. Both of the gargantuan's hands were now on Kaneki's hips, his body ramrod straight while Kaneki was bent over, knees and palms making contact with the ugly paisley comforter. He traced patterns with his eyes, following a green line as it completed the complicated formation of one shape and then flowed fluidly into the beginnings of another one. Though it was ugly, it was the most interesting thing Kaneki had seen in the apartment thus far.

Mr. Too Tan began making gross grunting noises that sounded more like a snore sneeze. Don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh, Kaneki told himself, biting his lip to hold back his chuckle. His body tensed because of it, and Lanceliam mistook it for sexual pleasure.

"You like that, eh?" Kaneki glared at the comforter. He needed to get out of here quickly.

"Oh yeah, mmm, so good," he summoned words, sure that they must sound false. Lanceliam ate it all up, however, thrusts getting harder as a result.

Kaneki began to stroke his own neglected dick, almost glad it was left alone so he could pleasure himself. He closed his eyes, mind focused on the rhythm of the thrusts behind him and matching the pace of them to the pulls on his cock. He blocked out everything else, breathing in and out slowly, feeling his body relax, mind a blessed blank as he summoned images that would heighten his pleasure.

A sweaty chest against his back. A strong arm across his chest. A firm grasp on his cock. Laundry detergent. The images and feelings rolled through his mind so quickly, making the blood race in his veins, reddening his cheeks. He pumped himself steadily, feeling a familiar pressure begin to form in his core. Warm breath on his neck. Black and blue hair slightly tickling his cheek. A bite, a kiss, a suck, on his shoulder.

Kaneki's head tilted back, eyes half-opening but not seeing. "Nghhh," he moaned, feeling close.

"Anghh, Kaneki," the male heard in his mind, the moan an urgent and throaty exhalation. He continued to feel himself being fucked from behind, though it had no meaning to him at the moment. He was gone, he had floated away to another time, another place. So hazy. His mind tried to show him but hold him back at the same time. It made him frustrated. All he wanted to see were indigo eyes, soft hair, strong arms . . .he let these thoughts smother him, a tall wave crashing into his face, blinding him and salty water working its way into his nose. Drowning.

"Aghhhnnn," he cried out. His eyes clenched shut, and he came. It shot out hot over the ugly comforter, decorating it in a streak like that of a pearlesque ink on paisley stationery. Kaneki breathed in and out, in and out, coming back to earth. It sucked. It really did. He blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall, tears he hadn't known were there.

Lanceliam must have climaxed too, for he was panting heavily behind Kaneki, his body still. Slowly, he pulled back. "Fuck," he muttered, plopping on his back. Kaneki was still for a moment, his body temporarily frozen as it came to terms with the fact that yet again, he was utterly alone. He let the thought sting him, cut him, twist his heart. It was the only thing that got him moving.

Kaneki crawled off the bed, grabbing at some of his clothing, making his way out of the bedroom in search of the bathroom. He found it in the first room off to his right. Once the door was locked and the light switched on, he cleaned himself up as best he could. He didn't need another lecture from Hide or an angry rant from Touka. Not caring that Lanceliam was probably waiting, he let the whole process take quite a bit of time. He looked at himself in the mirror. His face and body were pale, thin. Brown eyes were devoid of feeling. His mouth was in a set line, almost a grimace. His dark brown hair was tousled, falling into his eyes. _I look like a damn dirty piece of shit_ , he thought. _Which I am_.

His eyes strayed to a prescription bottle on the sink. It was for allergy medicine. Kaneki looked at the name. LOGAN. He smiled for the first time that night. Well at least now he had a name to match to the douchebag in the other room. He contemplated telling Logan how bad he was at sex, but then decided against it. Why should someone else feel like complete shit about themselves?

He eventually returned to the bedroom, grimacing slightly at the pain that remained from their sex. Logan was all smiles, an arm under his head. He met Kaneki's eyes as he came back in the room.

"That was amazing," he said reverently.

Kaneki spared him a glance as he picked up his remaining clothes off the floor and put them on. He made a non-committal noise.

"I've got to get going now," he said generically. "It was nice meeting you." He headed to the door.

"Wait! Wait." Logan said somewhat desperately. "You never told me your name."

Oh. Kaneki never gave out his real name. "It's Haise. Haise Sasaki."

 

* * *

 

Kaneki opened the door softly to his shared apartment. Though it was a Saturday night, he figured that Touka and Hide would probably be asleep already at 1 a.m. The glow of the television in the living room illuminated a small area, the volume was low. He shut the front door softly, locking it. Not wanting to disturb his friends that might be lying down or asleep on the couch, he walked quietly toward his room.

"Kaneki?" Hide suddenly sat up on the couch, yawning, stretching his arms upwards. His blond hair was a mess.

Crap. He wasn't really in a mood to talk. "Hey, I'm sorry that I woke you up. Why aren't you in bed?"

"Ohhh. Well Touka didn't feel so well earlier tonight, so she went to bed pretty much as soon as she got home from work. And I tried to catch up on some shows, but ended up falling asleep."

"Hmmm." Kaneki sat gingerly on their recliner, ready to fall asleep himself.

"So . . . tonight. What were you up to?" Hide had his eyes on the tv, knowing full well what Kaneki had been doing.

"Making friends."

"Kaneki . . . please tell me that you are being safe. I know I've asked about this before, but you need to take care of yourself."

"I make sure that they always use a condom." Like hell would he let someone enter him with their dirty cock.

"That's not what I meant. Well, sort of. I just worry that one day you'll go with the wrong person. And they might try to hurt you. You know, beat you up. Or worse."

Kaneki sighed. He knew this topic had been brewing for a while with his friend. He saw it every time he came home late and Hide caught him. His friend's eyes would always be full of reproach. Maybe it would just be easier to move out now, rather than in three months when his friends got married. He had originally only planned to stay with them for a shorter amount of time, but they had talked him into staying longer. Perhaps they knew he probably would not have been able to afford a place of his own and still manage to help out his mom, while working greatly reduced hours at Anteiku and still being effective at the internship. But now . . . that's right. Hide and Touka didn't know about his news. And what a great way to change the subject.

"I got that job," he said softly, eyes going to the televison. He didn't recognize the television program. "At Tsukiyama Group." Kaneki had told Touka and Hide about his interview, but he hadn't honestly thought he would be hired. He didn't think he had been particularly impressive.

"What??? Oh shit, Kaneki, that's great!" Hide's eyes were alive with excitement. He moved over to the recliner, pulling his friend up into a hug. Kaneki winced at the sudden movement, but made sure his friend didn't see.

"We'll have to celebrate this tomorrow as well!"

Kaneki nodded. Tomorrow Hinami graduated from her high school, and he was attending the ceremony along with Touka and Hide. They were all taking her out to dinner afterwards, but they were also celebrating the college graduation of the older trio, as well.

"Well, then, I'm going to sleep. G'night Hide." He made his way over to his bedroom, hoping that he might be able to fall asleep quickly. Some nights it took him a few hours. He tossed and turned for a bit, before his body was able to succumb to the arms of sleep.

During the last six months, a lot of things had changed for Kaneki. He and Hide had participated in an internship as part of the last semester of their graduate school program. It had been slow going for the brunet at first. His particpation in assignments at work had been half-hearted, though he did complete them. About half-way through, things started to improve slightly. Hide's multiple attempts to get him interested in what they were doing started to work. Maybe that's why the company offered Hide a job immediately at the close of the internship, admiring his skill set and enthusiasm for the job. No such luck for his best friend, though.

Perhaps it had a lot to do with the fact that Kaneki started going out to bars and the like a couple months in, and it started to affect his performance. Sometimes he would go with Hide and Touka, but more often he would go alone. He would see how men would react to him, brown hair growing out slightly, dressing better, etc. But mostly it was the fact that he no longer acted like a shrinking violet. He stared back when someone was direct with him. So when he was approached by men who bought him a drink, he didn't refuse. Though he never found them interesting. When he left with one after a few drinks, he let them do what they wanted to do to him. A lot of times it was uncomfortable--in his mind, how it should be now. They were always bigger, and strong. Often he would be sore for a few days after. But he kept going back for more. It was now kind of like an addiction. To keep on proving to himself that he felt nothing when other men touched him, to keep seeing his ugly expression in the mirror.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Kaneki was waiting for Hide and Touka to finish getting ready, when his eyes flew open in horror, remembering something. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, pressing the button that would call his mother.

"Hello, my dear. Are you at the school already?"

"No, mom. Not yet. I'm calling because I just remembered . . . I was so busy with that interview and finishing school that I totally forgot to send you a check last week. I'm so sorry. Are things going okay? I can send you money Friday when I get paid again--"

"Honey, I'm fine! More than fine. And maybe you forgot, but you did send me something. I received it early last week." Her voice was tired, she most likely was resting in between jobs. She would not be able to make it to Hinami's graduation today, or accompany them to dinner.

"What?" Kaneki was confused. He hadn't send his mother anything last week. He usually sent her a check each month . . .but he hadn't sent her anything yet for June.

"Yeah, it was the money order again. I usually get that and then a bank check each month from you. You must have been so busy you forgot. Maybe you need more rest than I do," she laughed softly.

"But--wait--I didn't--" he was totally confused. Money order? Again? He never bought money orders. He always sent his mother checks. Was Hinami sending their mother money? He didn't think she got a part-time job anywhere. The brunet made a mental note to ask her about it.

"Never mind that right now. Please give my love to your sister. She's coming back home in a couple weeks to visit me, she'll be staying a few days. Maybe you can come, too?"

"Actually, I don't think I can. Remember that interview I had two weeks ago? Well they called me yesterday and let me know I got the job. I start in one week." Hide and Touka came into the living room just then, finally ready to go.

"That's wonderful!" His mother's voice was happy. "I always knew you would do great things with your life. I'm so proud of you."

Kaneki fidgeted. He found he couldn't accept his mother's praise. "Thanks mom. Look, I have to get going. We're headed out now to Hinami's school."

The three friends made their way over to the sprawling campus, people everywhere fluttering around in excitement. Family and friends were embracing, parents were tearing up, pictures were being taken. They finally found Hinami, clothed in a royal purple graduation robe, laughing at something her companion was saying. It was a boy.

Kaneki's eyes narrowed at their interlocked fingers, taking in this threat. Who was he? What were his intentions? How long had this been going on?

At seeing her brother, Hinami's face lit up, brown hair longer than the last time Kaneki had seen her. "Brother!" she threw her arms around his neck, jumping into his waiting arms. "I've missed you!"

The brunet felt his heart warm at her hug. There were few things in this life that still gave him happiness, and his sister was one of them.

"I've missed you too." They pulled back and Hinami was taking him in, analyzing his expression, small hands gripping his elbows.

"You're too skinny," she said unhappily, frowning. "You need to eat more."

Kaneki held back from ruffling her hair, an indulgent smile on his face. "I'm fine. I'm sure Touka here will pressure me into getting something bad for me to eat at dinner tonight." With the mention of his friend, Hinami's face got animated again and she gave big hugs to both Hide and Touka.

"You guys! I can't wait for your wedding! Touka, you'll be such a beautiful bride."

"Thank you, dear. Now, who is this?" Touka asked, tucking some of her azure hair behind her ear.

Kaneki turned his attention to the teenager, eyes narrowing. That's exactly what he wanted to know, too. The boy was about his height, brown hair cut neatly in that "my-parents-paid-for-my-private-school-and-everything-else" kind of way. His light brown eyes seemed innocent enough, and his cheeks were pink with nervousness, though Kaneki was nowhere near ready to trust any boy with his sister just yet.

Hinami smiled nervously, eyes going to her brother, moving back next to the teenager's side. "This is Ryan. He goes to school here, well I should say 'went' since we are both graduating today." Here, she shifted worried brown eyes over to Hide and Touka. "We started going out a couple weeks ago! He's going to the same college as I am!"

Hide and Touka introduced themselves, shaking hands with Ryan. Finally, everyone looked to Kaneki who had remained motionless. Hide mouthed to him, "Cut it out." Sigh.

Kaneki finally turned his attention to the teenager. "I'm Kaneki Ken. I am Hinami's brother. And I watch out for her. Very. Carefully." Ryan blanched, grabbing onto Hinami's hand.

"Uhh--err--it's nice to meet you. Hina--" Kaneki narrowed his eyes at the nickname. _Oh, so he's_   _on close enough_   _terms with her_   _already, huh_? "has told me so much about you. And Kaneki, I would never hurt her."

Kaneki reeled from these words. He had heard them spoken to him before, and they ended up not being true. He felt his mind returning to that dangerous place, a dark and empty void. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. But then his eyes found Hinami's. She was looking at him pleadingly, hoping he would be okay with her new relationship. Kaneki could never deny his sister something that would make her happy. He held onto that as he spoke his next words.

"Be sure that you don't," he said after a moment, though his face had relaxed. He slung an arm around his sister and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. She smiled at him, recognizing his acceptance of this new person in her life.

They were milling around talking for a bit longer, Kaneki mostly quiet and only speaking when directly asked a question. He found his eyes wandering around, not looking at anything in particular. Until he felt someone staring at him. The brunet turned his eyes back toward the source, seeing a tall male some fifteen feet or so away from him, standing with a group of his own friends or family. His sandy-colored hair was slightly unkempt, as if he were in-between deciding whether to cut it or grow it out more. He was on the slim side, his dress shirt and pants fitting him snugly enough to show off the straight planes of his body shape. And probably within a year or two of Kaneki's 24 years of age. Handsome enough, he thought in passing. Though as he was about to look away, the tall male flashed a crooked smile at him. Kaneki raised a curious eyebrow, then turned his attention back to Hinami as she had asked him a question.

Soon enough, his sister and her new boyfriend had to go line up in another part of the auditorium. Kaneki and his friends found some seats near the middle of the bottom floor, though the brunet chose to sit in the aisle seat. He had started to feel panicky, his hands clammy, popping his knuckles nervously.

"Kaneki, everything okay?" Hide questioned quietly from the seat beside him.

"Mmm hmm," the brunet hummed, eyes fixated on the hair of the lady in front of him, trying to take in the details in a somewhat futile attempt to distract himself. The hair was frizzy. Dyed a hideous shade of blonde. Crispy from using too much hair spray. Styled from something he would see in the 80's. The distraction didn't last long.

The truth of it was, change scared Kaneki. A lot of bad had come out of changes in his life. And there was so much of it was happening right now that he felt like he was spinning out of control. He and his friends were finished with college, he and Hide were starting new jobs, Touka and Hide were getting married in a few months and wedding stuff was all starting to happen now--including the bachelor party planning for which he was responsible, his sister was graduating from high school, and she had a boyfriend. A BOYFRIEND.

The graduation ceremony had started and all Kaneki could do was try not to freak out in front of everybody. His fists were clenched, his legs vibrating up and down with nervous energy. He didn't want to start hyperventilating here in front of this crowd and ruin Hinami's day.

"I'll be right back," he whispered to Hide, who nodded at him in concern.

Kaneki got up, the drone of the school principal's voice carrying out to the crowd over the speakers. The brunet made his way out into the hall's entrance, pushing through the doorway of the men's restroom. Luckily, it was deserted. Everyone else had their shit together and was watching their family, he thought dismally. He breathed in and out, in and out, palms resting on the cool surface of the marble sink. After a moment, Kaneki felt himself starting to calm down, and then the restroom door behind him opened. It was the tall male from earlier. The sandy-colored male's green eyes sought after his in the mirror, a teasing expression on his face as he then looked Kaneki up and down from behind.

 _Hmmm_ , Kaneki mused as he turned around, a sudden focus coming over him. _This might be_   _the distraction he was looking for_. He fixed the other with a smirk, a challenge in his eyes.

"You like what you see?" He asked casually.

"I think you know I do."

Kaneki leaned back onto the sink, his arms resting on the surface, holding him up. He spread his thin legs open a bit. It was an invitation.

Which was clearly accepted. The taller male made his way over to Kaneki, nudging himself in-between his legs. His hands went to the brunet's shoulders, pulling him from the sink and onto his lips. Kaneki found himself attaching his hands loosely to the other's hips, fingertips enjoying the texture of the taller male's pants. The kiss was heated from the onset, all hot breath and lips pressing hard and movement of their heads as they sought after the most desirable position.

Breathing shallowly, Kaneki took in the scent of the taller male. He smelled like a harsh aftershave, a cologned-soap. It wasn't exactly unpleasant, but the slightly acrid scent burned his nostrils as his body had his lungs pumping for more air.

"Mmmm, c'mere," Sandy-haired male grabbed onto one of his hands, pulling him into a stall, locking it behind them.

"Let's make this quick," Kaneki breathed. The taller male fixed his eyes Kaneki's lips, mouth open.

"I don't think that will be a problem," he said huskily.

He pressed Kaneki into the side wall of the stall, joining their lips once again. Kaneki felt the dirtiness of the location, the levels of filth that had probably accumulated over the years in here. It didn't matter to him. The taller male began unbuckling the brunet's belt, the leather making a slight whip noise as it was pulled open. Then he pursued the button on Kaneki's navy blue pants, the zipper immediately following.

"Hahhhhh," Kaneki moaned as the sandy-haired male reached into his pants, palming him over his boxer briefs, creating pressure on his aroused cock. And because he moaned just then, he couldn't be sure if the noise he heard was the sound of someone coming into the bathroom or just part of their shameless sexual synergy. Either way, again, he didn't care. The taller male was now at the base of his neck, sucking on the spot where it joined his shoulder.

They were both moaning by now, their feet moving around to occasionally shift in position. The sandy-haired one pulled back, licking his bottom lip quickly, ready to move on to the next phase. He knelt in front of Kaneki, knees on filthy floor, pulling down his pants and boxer briefs just enough to get access to the erect cock.

"Nice," the taller male murmured before beginning to suck on the tip, hands on the brunet's ass.

 _This guy knows what he's doing._  Kaneki tipped his head back onto the cheap metal that divided one stall from another. He moved his hips forward, encouraging more of this length to go into the kneeling man's mouth. He was accomodated.

"Jesus," he moaned under his breath, a hand finding its way into sandy locks, fingers clenching as his pleasure level rose. His leg muscles were tightening, his breath shaking on its way out. Brown eyes closed, focusing on that moment, nothing else mattering. The kneeling male rocked his face into Kaneki's dick, lips closing tightly on it, slamming the thin hips into the stall's wall instead of the other way round. He fucked the standing male hard, aggressive with his mouth. Every bang against the metal had Kaneki moaning out a low "huhhh." Gradually getting adjusted to their flow, the brunet started to work into the motion instead of with it, hips still banging into the aged wall as he pivoted them backwards himself now. The sandy-haired male hmmed in approval, the vibration doing wonderful things to Kaneki's dick.

The taller male then stood, unbuckling his own belt on the way up. "You taste good," he murmured in Kaneki's ear, pressing his hips against the brunet's. Kaneki still had his eyes closed, deep in concentration, hearing the words but not caring about their meaning. With no response given, the taller male began unbuttoning Kaneki's light-blue button up, parting it to uncover a smooth, pale chest. He looked him over for a moment, a thumb brushing against his own lips in contemplation. Then the taller male began unbuttoning his black pants, undoing his zipper. With a firm and large hand, he joined their erections together, pumping them as his lips returned to Kaneki's throat, his spare hand yanking on soft, brown locks.

Kaneki felt it, small moans escaping out of his mouth. The taller male pulled harder on his hair, pain shooting to the roots of the dark brown strands. Their joined breaths were deep, warm, loud. Kaneki's hands splayed across the cold metal of the stall, palms leaving sweaty handprints on the surface. His mind was once again reeling, spiraling, twisting out of control as he approached a finish. His jaw clenched, the usual images of blue hair and strong arms and indigo eyes summoned from the depths of painful parts of his past.

The brunet came with a cry, feeling his cum erupt out of his cock, onto his exposed chest. His eyes opened, hands now in fists. The taller male came a few strokes after, his liquid also coating Kaneki's chest and his own hand. Their breaths slowed after a moment, and the sandy-haired male reached for some toilet paper, quickly moving to wipe himself off. He threw the tissue in the toilet, pulled up his pants and buckled his belt, tucking his shirt in. The male did this all of this extremely efficiently, without a word. Kaneki moved to start the process as well, not really caring or watching as the taller male unlocked the door and walked to the sink. The brunet shut and locked the door behind him, once again coming back down to earth, feeling like the shitbag he thought he was. He heard a splash of water, quick footsteps, and then the bathroom door swinging open and closed.

Kaneki finished cleaning himself off as best he could, quickly moving to put his clothes on, shirt buttoned. A moment later, he too left the stall and looked at himself in the mirror.

"I'm a piece of trash," he said emptily to his reflection.

His clothes looked okay, though, nothing out of place. He frowned at his hair, hastily wiping water on it in an attempt to flatten it. It didn't look too crazy now. The brunet was about to leave when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. Thin curls of smoke were winding their way up to the ceiling, close to the bathroom's fan. He was worried for a minute, but then realized what it was. Cigarette smoke. Kaneki bent over to look at the bottoms of the rows of stalls. There, in the last stall, were a pair of feet in black dress shoes.

They had had an audience, of sorts. He didn't care. Whatever. Some people were into different kinds of shit.

"You can't smoke in here, you know," he said disparagingly, loud enough to carry across the room. But then he recalled what he had just done in the stall, and a silent and brief laugh escaped him at the absurdity of him trying to lecture anybody about bathroom etiquette. There was no reply.

It was time to return to the ceremony. The bottoms of his brown dress shoes made awkward sounding thunks as he walked toward the door. It was swinging shut behind him as he heard a loud smash from behind him. Like something striking metal. He considered what he heard, and then shrugged. What cigarette-man was doing in there was none of his concern.

 

* * *

 

Against Kaneki's better judgment, he found himself asking Hinami, after the ceremony, if Ryan might want to join them for dinner. The action had a dual purpose--he wanted to get to know this Ryan better and also see his sister happy. Her eyes lit up with excitement, and soon they were all in Hide's SUV, headed over to the restaurant.

The night was a jovial one, Kaneki roused into a mood of continued contentment by being surrounded by those that mattered the most to him... and Ryan. Hide always made jokes that had Hinami laughing and Touka rolling her eyes with a smile. His fiancee, on the other hand, had them laughing with tales of a younger Hide, with occasional corraboration by Kaneki when appealed to for information.

Hinami herself was all smiles, glowing, as she talked about her summer plans. Kaneki was proud of his sister--she had received a full academic scholarship to the same university he was graduating from. Occasionally, the small brunet stared earnestly a second too long at her brother, making him realize that she continued to worry about him. He didn't want that. So he had a few drinks, and he felt it loosening himself up. Smiling was simple, talking to his friends was easy. He even managed to ask Ryan about his future plans, where he lived, etc.

"Kaneki, have you told everyone?" Hide asked, eyes wide.

Huh? Kaneki thought back to what his friend might be talking about. Oh, that's right, the job.

"I got a job," he said, trying to inject some enthusiasm into his voice, looking at his plate. His food for the most part was untouched.

"Really? Congrats brother!" He received congratulations from Touka and Ryan as well. Kaneki found himself wondering if he would be able to do this. For his mother and Hinami, he would find a way.

Once he was back at the apartment with Touka and Hide, he got a beer out of the fridge, relaxing into the recliner. He heard Touka humming to herself as she headed to her room to change, but Hide joined him in the living room, beer in hand.

 _Uh oh_. Kaneki glanced at his friend, taking a big swig out of his bottle. _He's up to something_.

"Kaneki . . . " _yup_  "I was wondering. Have you been going to see that therapist lately?"

The brunet felt a sinking sensation in his mostly empty stomach. He didn't want to talk about this . . .

"I know you don't want to talk about this. But I think it's important. Not much has changed these past few months. I thought you were getting better during the internship. But you didn't. Not a lot anyways." Here Hide looked over at him, a concerned expression on his face. "This is not good for you. You haven't moved on from . . ." Kaneki froze. _no no no nononononononono_  

Hide sighed, refocusing his thoughts. "I just think that you'd benefit from talking to someone about it. If not me, or Touka, then someone. But you can't keep going on like this, depressed."

"I'm fine, _Hide_ ," Kaneki said somewhat testily, setting his bottle down on their coffee table with some force. It foamed up, beer cascading down the sides. He ignored it.

"No you're not!" Hide stood, eyes flashing, cheeks aflame. "Don't you try and feed me that bullshit! You come home at night, stinking of gross cologne and clothes on inside out or buttoned wrong. Hickies on your neck, wrists red from god knows what. Limping sometimes. It kills us. Touka and I, we see it! You've been with so many men these past months. And today! Don't even try to tell me that you just went to the bathroom. You did that shit during the graduation ceremony of your sister!"

Kaneki was horrified, tears forming in his eyes. He had never seen Hide like this. His friend was digging all of this up, showing him all of these things that he just dismissed every day, swept under the rug, wiped clean from his mind. He didn't know why he thought he would have been able to hide the most of it from them. Even Hinami today, so perceptive and sensitive, she could see that he still wasn't himself. He felt disgust climb into him and lodge into his brain at the thought of hurting those around him. Shame pooling at his feet, eating away like acid at his socks and flesh and everything.

"And I know you think right now you don't deserve to be happy. And nothing I can say right now will change it. But Kaneki--you have to get help for it! If not for yourself, for your mom. Your sister. Everyone who loves you! Please, please say you'll try it!" Here Hide knelt beside him, one hand gripping the lower leg of his dress pants.

The brunet was a mass of turbulent emotions. But most of all now, he felt fear. Fear at having to talk about . . . stuff. It inflated his insides so that he knew nothing else. He didn't know if he was ready or not. But . . . he looked at Hide's face. To his complete surprise, the blond had tracks of tears running down his face. He would try. For him. And Touka and his mom and Hinami. He owed them all so much. His self-hatred would be complete if he continued to hurt them like this.

"Okay," he said quietly.

"Okay?" Hide wiped the tears from his face with the sleeve his shirt.

"Okay I will make an appointment with my therapist."

At his words, Hide smiled though his eyes were still sad. "Thank you."

Kaneki got up then, retrieving a washcloth from the kitchen to clean up the mess he had made. And to get another beer. He felt a new sense of determination begin to work through him. He would give it all he had. But he didn't know if it would be enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I'm sorry. I had planned on Tsukiyama showing up this chapter. But Kaneki decided otherwise. My dear Shuu will be here next time, I PROMISE.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki starts a new job.
> 
> Tsukiyama Shuu. 
> 
> Banjou Kazuichi has a sweet tooth.

Kaneki felt a bit impatient, tapping his hands on his knees, hoping the hour would be up soon. He and Dr. Itori had already exchanged pleasantries, talked about the new decor in her office, and what Kaneki had been doing since the last time he had been by. He had mentioned how he would be starting a new job soon, to which she raised an eyebrow and smiled. It was all very surface level chat, and the male knew that she was probably trying to find an in-road to dig deeper.

Dr. Itori had her office in her own home, in an artsy area of the city. It was a good half hour walk for Kaneki, which he didn't mind at all. The room was on the small side, just housing a potted plant, a two-person couch, her computer, and a chair for her to sit in when meeting with patients. The window was big, letting in a lot of natural light. She had the blinds half closed, however, creating lined patterns all over the room. The walls were peach, complementing the carroty color of her hair, and her floors were a honey colored wood.

She didn't seem to meet the stereotypes of "typical doctors." Dr. Itori was loud, opinionated, but everything she said was heartfelt. She listened, she really listened to whatever he had to say, he could tell. Those few things that he had said to her the last time he had been here, she had focused on him with eyes unwavering. Her clothing didn't seem to fit any kind of style in particular--except she seemed to like wearing clothing that revealed large patches of skin. Right now, she wore a lacy black top with a camisole underneath, and a flowy black skirt that rested above her knees. Dr. Itori had long since kicked off her high heels, which rested on the floor besider her stockinged feet.

"So, Kaneki, I would like to ask what brought you back here after so many months?" Her right fist was holding her head up as she leaned on the arm of her chair, peering at him, interested and relaxed at the same time.

"Mmm. My best friend suggested it." His eyes did another circuit of the room, seeing all the things he had already seen multiple times in the time he had been sitting down.

"Your best friend . . .would that be Hide?" Kaneki nodded. She must have consulted her notes before he had come over. "And why did he seem to think that you should start coming again?"

Kaneki shrugged, frowning, eyes now fixed on his own hands on his knees.

"Kaneki, we don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to. But sometimes it is the only way to progress. If you decide to open up, and then later get uncomfortable, we can stop at any time."

The male exhaled, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. "Okay."

"Great. Ok. So looking back, when you were last here in December, we had spoken of" here Kaneki shut his eyes tight, "how you and your friends were going out for your birthday, how things were slightly better. What has changed since then and now?" Her voice was encouraging in a soothing way, energetic. If she hadn't been the kind of therapist she was, slightly unorthodox and so much herself, then Kaneki didn't think he would have come back to see her.

"Um. Well . . ." he tried to look up at her, but looked at the blinds on the window beside her. "I've been meeting up with men at bars a lot. And leaving with them." His fingers scrunched on his jeans.

"Hmm. Okay. Would you say that behavior is different than in the past? Did you often meet men out in social situations and leave with them?"

Kaneki shook his head. "No."

"Tell me about these men. Did you ever see them again? Did you date them? Do you still talk to them?"

The male felt his reluctance and discomfort at being there start to rise. Talking about this subject in particular didn't bother him so much. He could compartmentalize it. There were no feelings invested in it, on his part, anyways. But it was the thought of what it might lead to. When he had first met with Dr. Itori in December, she had known he was there because he was depressed, wrecked, in pieces over a breakup. Hide had come with him and stayed out in the lobby. But they hadn't talked about Ayato or their relationship back then. She had given him an introduction on who she was, her methodology, and then asked Kaneki to describe what he was feeling, when he felt worse, etc. And then taught him some breathing exercises.

"I don't. I don't ever see them again. I-I don't want to, either." He blew up towards his hair, trying to get it out of his eyes. It didn't work. Impatiently, he ran his fingers across his forehead, combing brown locks away.

Dr. Itori considered him for a moment, taking a sip of her coffee. "Kaneki, what do you in your spare time? Besides going to these bars and whatnot?"

"Spare time?" He considered it. "I, I don't really have any? I mean, I didn't until now. Hide and I were taking part in that internship for school. And then some nights and on the weekends I would work at a coffee shop. There wasn't time for much else."

"What about your friends? Do you ever make plans with them?"

Kaneki let out a breath. "Hide and Touka are my only friends. And I live with them. We watch movies some times at home. Or go out to eat."

"Hmm." Dr. Itori set her coffee cup down, folding her legs in beside her on the chair. "Have you ever heard of a coping mechanism?"

"Um. . . not really. But is it just as the definition suggests?" _How much time until he could get out of here?_

"Pretty much. People develop coping mechanisms as a sort of behavior to protect themselves from here." At the last word, she pointed to the side of her head. "These behaviors differ from person to person, but they achieve the same end. Distraction from the thoughts that hurt."

It made sense. But Kaneki didn't want to think about it.

"And for you, it seems that you chose something that was entirely out of character for you. Perhaps as encompassing as the inciting event was, the more necessary it became for you to develop a pattern of behavior that wasn't like you in the slightest."

Kaneki fidgeted in the seat. So it was a weakness. He wasn't surprised, really. _I really am a bag of shit._

"What are you thinking right now?" She had stopped speaking, waiting for his reaction, only asking him once it seemed he wasn't going to offer a response.

"I'm not really sure," he lied.

Dr. Itori didn't seem to believe him, head tilting to the side, analyzing his face. But just then a timer went off, a ten minute alarm to let her know how much time she had left with her clients.

Once she had turned it off, she turned back to Kaneki who now looked more relaxed now that he would be able to leave soon. "I have homework for you."

"Homework?"

"Yes. I want you to make a new friend."

Kaneki scrunched his eyebrows, a slight frown on his face. "Okay . . . " He didn't see what this would accomplish.

"I think this will be a significant step in your recovery. You have surrounded yourself during these past months with those that are the most familiar to you, the ones that are like family. Like a blanket on a cold day. By putting yourself out there and making a new friend, you are showing that you are trying to trust new people again. Inviting them to see who you are."

The frown was still on Kaneki's face. He didn't really like the sound of that, but he would try. He guessed? For the last few minutes of his appointment, Dr. Itori handed him a tablet, where he was supposed to indicate his answers to questions. Like, "On a scale of 1-10, how well do you feel you connect with your therapist?" and such.

He scheduled another appointment with her for two weeks out and then left. The day was warm, the sun was shining. Kaneki closed his eyes briefly, letting the golden orb warm his face. He could do this. He would do this.

He would make a new friend.

 

* * *

 

From the time Kaneki woke up on Monday morning, he felt nervous. It was that scared, excited feeling of something new, the next chapter in one's life. It was a rare feeling. It was something like the first day of school each year, or graduating from high school. Getting married. Everything is changing, you're moving on and becoming a different version of yourself. He was guardedly looking forward to it. For the last chapter hadn't been so kind to him.

Kaneki eyed himself in the mirror. He had a ton of new clothes for his job at Tsukiyama Group. Hide and Touka had gone shopping with him, after much cajoling on their part. Touka had been the one who helped with fashion advice, and Hide had paid for it. Kaneki hadn't wanted him to do it--he felt awful and awkward about it. He hated feeling like an encumbrance on anybody, though he knew that Hide expected nothing in return. He just wanted to do something nice for Kaneki. But the blond told him that if he felt that strongly about it, he could just repay him when he wanted to once he had enough money from his new job. Kaneki then had reluctantly given in, hanging on to the receipt so he knew exactly how much money he would give back to his best friend.

The brunet had chosen to wear black fitted dress pants with thin white pinstripes running vertically down the length of the pants. It matched the fitted, black, long-sleeved button up and white tie he was currently putting the finishing touches on. His dark brown hair fell around his eyes in an unintentionally fashionable disarray. The male spent a minute or so looking at his reflection in the mirror, mind wandering freely. It seemed like it had taken ages to get to this point, and maybe it had. There had been a time in the past . . . when he had wondered what he would be like at this point in his life. The brief reminder of that July memory, on the rooftop with fireworks illuminating the sky, creased his facial features for a couple of seconds before he stamped that thought out. _Enough_ , he thought. _Go._

He stepped out of his room, face now smoothed back into one of casual content. Touka looked up at him as he came into the room, setting down her cup of coffee. Hide had already left for work some time before. Kaneki had heard him singing in the shower before his own alarm had gone off. It had made him smile.

"Looking good!" Touka said as she stepped closer to him, leaning on the back of the recliner, arms folded.

"Thanks." Kaneki breathed in and out. He was ready. The brunet reached for his bicycle helmet and messenger bag, slinging the second item across his body. He looked at his friend. She looked like she wanted to say something, eyes wide with emotion, but was holding back. Whatever it was, she seemed to think better of it and simply gave him one of her usual hugs.

"Good luck today." She pecked him on the cheek, then went back to her laptop and coffee on the couch, working on her own resume and job search. "Don't forget, it's my night for dinner. So you better be here." The three of them each had a day during the week where they made dinner for the other two, and Monday was Touka's day. They had begun it a few months ago. Kaneki suspected it had a lot to do with him and being . . . weird . . . and them trying to establish a routine or whatnot.

Kaneki paused at the doorway, looking over at his beautiful friend. She was grinning at him, happy, and it caught his breath. Those eyes, indigo, so much like . . . _his_. The facial features, the smile. It hit him as it did occasionally, and he had to turn away.

"I won't forget," he managed to say over his shoulder, and then he was out the door.

A few days after he had received the news that he had landed the job, Kaneki had researched ways to get to Tsukiyama Group. Walking was out of the question, with consideration of the distance alone. Public transportation would be relatively convenient, but he still would have a good distance to walk after he was let off at the closest stop. It would actually be somewhat out of the way if he took the subway. He could then catch a bus, but the whole route was complicated, depending on other people's schedules, waiting around. He wanted to be moving, and on his own terms. So then he looked up a bicycle route, and it all seemed to fit together. Though he figured that he might get too warm on summer days, he knew that in the morning it would still be nice and cool outside as he left home. And that if he took a steady enough pace, he wouldn't necesarily build up a sweat. For the ride home, however, he planned to change out of his nice work clothes and into something more appropriate. Hence, his messenger bag held clothing and some toiletries that he might need due to the exercise.

The bike he had bought off of Craiglist was secondhand for sure, nothing special. The paint was white but scratched or peeled off in a lot of places. But he hadn't really had the money for anything nicer at the time. And there was no way in hell he was going to let Hide try and buy him a nicer one. Kaneki walked downstairs to where the bike was locked around the railing. The landlord had been cool with it. Some residents upstairs did the same thing. He donned his helmet, and then opened the front door to the pleasant sight of a sky accepting the sun, lighting up everything it touched. He took a deep breath, and then set out.

He rode at a steady pace, not exerting himself, the breeze pleasant against his skin. The brunet marveled at the amount of people stuck in traffic, honking, impatient. He glided by on his bike, weaving in and out of people or obstacles when necessary. Kaneki even managed to arrive a little early to the building. Across the street was a parking garage where Ms. Mado, the HR manager, had told him would be the best place to lock up his bicycle. He was able to find a bike rack situated in the corner on the second floor. As he took off his helmet and pawed at his hair, he noticed a dark blue Jaguar parked in one of the reserved spots. He glanced over at the sign. "For S. Tsukiyama" it read. Hmph. Self-indulgent bastard, most likely. No wait. Self -indulgent RICH bastard. Probably in his late 50's, protruding belly, smokes cigars, drinking scotch--neat.

The second floor of the parking garage had a totally enclosed bridge to the main building, and Kaneki walked at a casual pace, taking in the traffic below him. The sides were glass, making the inside warm as it heated up from the sun. He saw people making their way into Tsukiyama Group from the first floor, and he figured he might as well begin his work day, too. With helmet in hand, messenger bag slung over his shoulder, he walked to the opposite end of the bridge and into the building.

He had been inside before--when he had come in for his interview, he had walked in through the first floor and had waited for a human resources representative to escort him to the office where Ms. Mado would later interview him. But the aesthically pleasing quality of the interior had him stopping just inside the door as he gazed around in wonder again.

The first and second floors were one joined floor, so to speak. There was no ceiling separating the two, so it was completely open, and big. And already bustling at 7:53 a.m. Glass lined all four sides of the building, so the sun cast golden rays in through the east, or at least the parts that weren't overshadowed by other buildings. Everything looked new, contemporary, clean, professional. Kaneki walked over to the information desk, where Ms. Mado had communicated to him in a welcoming email that he ought to report to on his first day. There he received a badge with his name and picture, that also doubled as a key card. He was given directions to report first to Ms. Mado on the 10th floor--the building had 16 floors--and off he went.

There was a bank of 6 elevators, and he didn't have to wait for long to catch one. Alone in the elevator, he breathed in and out, feeling the exercise calm him down. He wasn't really sure what to expect from his employment here at Tsukiyama Group. Of course, he had researched the company thoroughly. It was held in high regard, and it had its hands in a lot of different business ventures around the world. For his part, he would be working in the accounting department, which he assumed would be alongside plenty of other accountants who might specialize in accounts payable or accounts receivables. And not knowing anybody wasn't getting to him either. It was the urgent wish to do well at this job--his mother and sister were counting on him. And he would need to find his own place to live soon anyways. He couldn't stay with Hide and Touka forever. Though they did constantly remind him they didn't want him to move out when he brought it up.

As the elevator doors opened, Dr. Itori's reminder came back to him. He had to make a new friend. Ugh. A receptionist greeted him on the tenth floor, and he took a seat while he waited for Ms. Mado to come for him. Soon enough, the small blonde was walking toward him in a gray blazer and skirt combo, a sky blue blouse bringing out the blue in her eyes. Kaneki stood to receive her, holding out his hand in greeting.

"Ms. Mado, it's nice to see you again," he said politely. She shook his hand back with a small smile.

"Mr. Kaneki, it's nice to see you again as well. Welcome to Tsukiyama Group. And please, call me Akira." She released his hand and gestured toward the elevators. "Let's head on up. Time to meet your direct supervisor, the Accounting Manager. Mr. Nishiki Nishio."

In the elevator, they chatted amiably about inconsequential matters, and Akira also made sure he was given his ID badge/key card. She eyed his helmet.

"Ah, so you did decide after all to go with the bicycle?"

"Yes. It was an easy route, very relaxing." She nodded at him.

The elevator let them out on the 12th floor. Kaneki figured that the top two floors of the building probably housed the executives. He looked around the floor as he kept up with Akira. Again, the glass windows of the building let in the warm sun, but this floor was its own entity. When they had first gotten off the elevator, it had seemed as if the walkway was arranged in a u-shape, creating an inner and outer later of offices and conference rooms. Kaneki was led to the left of the U, and then they turned right. At the last office on the left, Akira stopped in front of the door. The blinds were down in this office, hiding the interior from the passerby. She turned to Kaneki.

"Mr. Kaneki. If you should ever need anything, please don't hesitate to come and see me." Her wise blue eyes searched his, and he nodded.

"Thank you. And . . . you can call me Ken if you like. Or just Kaneki. Everyone calls me Kaneki."

"Okay." She smiled. "Kaneki." And with that, she turned back to the door and knocked. The nameplate on the door read, "Nishio Nishiki" and underneath, "Accounting Manager."

There was a few second's pause. Akira raised her hand to knock again when a gruff voice said from within, "Come in." With that, she opened the door, gesturing Kaneki in ahead of her, and then she shut the door behind them.

The office was a good size, square. It also fit the contemporary aesthetic that Tsukiyama Group seemed to be going for, all white walls and sleek black office furniture. The sun streamed in from the back, bathing most of the room in sunlight. In the middle-back of the room, a hazelnut-color haired male sat behind a desk, brown eyes annoyed behind square-framed glasses. He seemed to be a couple years or so older than Kaneki. His eyes had immediately seen the male at the desk, though now they wandered quickly around the rest of the room. To his surprise, there was another male occupant in the room, over by a mini-refrigerator, helping himself to a bottle of water. Kaneki's eyes stilled, caught.

The male straightened, his posture immaculate. He was tall, compact, every limb in perfect proportion to the rest of his body. He wore fitted navy-blue pants and a matching colored tie, along with a fitted red button up. The colors almost seemed like they would clash--but the male pulled it off with an air of sophistication and style, and something about the way he carried himself signified that he was used to having eyes on him. Perhaps, Kaneki thought, finding himself looking up at the male's face, it had to do with the fact that this man was the single most beautiful person he had ever seen. He was model gorgeous, skin a natural creamy hue, chin forming the end of an oval shape. His eyes, from this distance, seemed to be a deep shade of blue. But his hair--Kaneki didn't think he had ever seen a shade quite like it. It was an astonishing turquoise color, resplendent. The male had his hair cut on the short side, with a severe part, resulting in his colorful locks covering the left side of his forehead and almost his eye. As Kaneki thought this, the attractive male smiled in self-awareness, a finger casually pushing his hair away from his dark-sapphire orb. Kaneki frowned slightly. There was nothing less attractive in his book than a man who was overly cognizant of his looks. This man seemed to reek of narcissism.

"Akira, hello. How may I help you?" At this, Kaneki whipped his head around to face the original occupant of the office he had spotted, aware that he had been staring at the other male for longer than was polite.

"Nishiki. Hello. This is Kaneki Ken. The new accountant that I informed you that would be starting today." Her voice was now a little frosty, a little defensive. As if her presence should already have been expected. Or maybe she just wasn't a fan of Nishio Nishiki.

"Ah, I see. Mr. Kaneki. Well, welcome. I'll show you to your office in just a minute. Have a seat." Kaneki sat slowly, taking in the indifferent tone of Nishio's voice. His supervisor started typing away steadily at his computer, without regard to the other occupants of the room.

"Akira, aren't you going to say hello to me, too?" The voice was like music, harmonious, a composition. Kaneki's head turned slowly on its own accord as the other male walked languidly over to Nishio's desk and leaned on it, a playful smile on his face. He was pretty close to Kaneki now, perhaps an arm's length away. The brunet could smell the heady fragrance of the male--a subtle soapy scent with floral overtones. It was very . . . nice. Kaneki breathed in heavily, unknowingly.

There was an almost silent huff from Akira as she considered the modelesque male leaning against Nishio's desk. "Shuu," she said, an edge to her voice. "Good morning. What's with the hair? How will you be able to do your next photo shoot looking like that?"

 _This guy was a model  Well, it seemed to fit.  He was gorgeous, after all._  Kaneki was curious despite himself. This was all very interesting. If he didn't know better, he would say that Akira did not like either of these two men very much, her voice almost mocking. And he found the hair color question to be appropriate . . . why did he feel like he couldn't have his hair dyed white when there was someone at Tsukiyama Group with a much more colorful choice?

"My dear Ms. Mado, this was for a photo shoot. A test shoot for a clothing company Tsukiyama Group is considering buying. And I liked the color so much I decided to keep it a little longer." Shuu, his name apparently, sounded amused, taking a slow sip of water. And then his gem-like eyes descended upon Kaneki, deeply, like two endless pools in the middle of a dark forest. No way out. He could . . . drown in eyes like that.

"Kaneki Ken, was it?" the model asked, a lilt in his voice. The playful smile was back.

"Yes." The brunet stood, extending a hand. "But just Kaneki is fine."

Shuu considered his hand for a couple seconds, then extended his own. It was smooth, soft. _Of course it is,_  Kaneki thought. _This model guy probably submerges his hands into a vat of moisturizer each night._

"Well, Kaneki," and here Shuu let the name linger on his tongue like a delectable treat, "It's nice to meet you. My name is . . . Shuu. Maybe I'll be seeing you around more." And then his eyes fixed on Kaneki once more, half-lidded. Smoldering. His grasp on Kaneki's hand tightened.

Kaneki was taken aback. The male was even more attractive close up, skin free of blemishes, lips the color of blush wine. He was a nebula, too beautiful to pick just one spot to look at. But . . . at the same time, Kaneki refused to be intimidated. Here this guy was, some sort of arrogant model prick. Thinking he had the world by the reins. Thinking he could just flash his model gaze at anyone and have them melt at his feet like a puddle. Slowly, a challenge in his heart and determination in his mind, he squarely met the deep-blue jewels of Shuu. Seconds ticked by without interruption, their hands still joined. Kaneki forgot how to breathe, face beginning to redden from their prolonged eye contact. But he forced his eyes to remain indifferent, his face passive. _Fuck you, you hot douchebag._

Shuu's lips parted slightly as they stared at each other, a crease beginning to form between his perfectly shaped brows, a question in his eyes. Then, abruptly, he straightened from his lean on Nishio's desk, taking his hand back. "Hmph." And then he was striding out of the office without another word.

"Well, then." Akira sounded annoyed. "Dramatic as usual." Then she turned to Kaneki, a softer expression on her face. "Kaneki, my extension is 1009. Should you ever need anything."

"Thank you," he said politely, grateful for her sincerity. And then she was gone as well.

Kaneki looked at Nishio. His supervisor was staring at him, eyes narrowed. He seemed more aggravated than before, and then he stood quickly. "Shall we?" And without further preamble, started walking to his door. Kaneki followed..

"This is the conference room . . . " Kaneki looked to the side. In the interior part of the U was a glass-walled room with a long black table and comfortable looking chairs. "We have weekly meetings. Which your co-workers will explain to you. I have already emailed you a comprehensive list of monthly events. As well as all of the other material you will need."

Nishio wasn't really looking at Kaneki as he spoke. He vaguely gestured to each side as he pointed out something, headed for the other part of the U. At the upper right hand side, he stopped.

"This is your office. You share it with one other employee. His name is Banjou Kazuichi. Looks like he's not here at the moment . . .probably getting some coffee or a donut or something. Make yourself comfortable. He can answer any other questions you might have." And then Nishio was walking away. Kaneki watched, not really put off by his supervisor's lack of attention. When it came down to it, he didn't need babying. He turned his attention back to his new office.

The glass that separated the offices from each other and in the hallway all seemed to have shades of some sort, for privacy. In Nishio's office, the shades had been drawn, not letting the outside world in. But here, the blinds were raised to the top of the glass walls, letting everybody see in. Even in the hallway, Kaneki could see the sun shining in the office. Maybe his co-worker would be someone pleasant. He pushed open the door, looking around the room.

Their office was in a corner of the building on their floor, so they had two windows that joined at an angle. Like the other walls on this floor, theirs were white. The two desks were at a 90 degree angle to each other, so that when they sat down, their backs were to the wall and they had a clear view of their door and the hallway outside. His co-worker's desk was decorated with various gadgets, one of which caught his eye. A perpetual motion machine. Huh. Cool. Kaneki noticed a cup of coffee on the desk, computer logged on to his email.

He turned to his own desk, completely bare, save for a brand new laptop. Kaneki sat his messenger bag and helmet down, opening up the laptop. On a post-it note was his log-in information, probably provided by the IT department. Underneath, in an untidy scrawl, was written, "Caution: dispose of this note. It will self-destruct." Kaneki eyed it for a moment, shaking his head at the Inspector Gadget reference. There must be some really big-time nerds working in the IT department.

As he was booting up his computer and getting familiar with his desk, a bulky, tall man with a frown walked in to the office slowly. He was halfway through eating a pink frosted donut, pausing as he noticed Kaneki. The tall male had brown hair combed back away from his face so that it hung long in the back. He had a pecuilar cross-shaped goatee, and Kaneki wondered vaguely what the upkeep of that must be like. Kaneki saw that his co-worker's brown eyes were narrowed suspiciously at him.

"Oh, hello. I'm Kaneki Ken." He stood and walked over to the man, holding out a hand. But the bigger male just looked at it for a moment before going to his desk and sat heavily down, an air of melancholy about him.

Kaneki looked at him uncertainly. "Banjou Kazuichi," the giant finally huffed. The brunet nodded, and then walked back to his desk. He busied himself with getting familiar with his laptop and the programs he would be using. IT had emailed him his log in information for the accounting programs and other contact information related to reporting computer issues. He could see, however, Banjou casting surreptitious glances at him every now and then, but when Kaneki turned his head to look at him, the male looked fixedly back at his own computer.

By the time that this had happened five or so times, Kaneki had had enough. "You're staring," he pointed out, eyes still fixed on his own computer.

A sad sigh. "You're very good-looking." Kaneki's eyes slowly looked over at his co-worker, kind of weirded out. What a random thing to say. But Banjou was looking devastated for some reason. "She would have liked you, too." And then he put his head in his hands.

Kaneki was at a loss. He had no idea what was going on. His mouth opened and then shut, unsure of what to do. But then he saw movement near their door, three people choosing that minute to invade their office. The first was a male with spiky-black hair, the second was a female with light-red hair cut into a bob, and the third was another male with black hair tied back into a ponytail.

"Oh hey!" The first said. "I'm--"

"Oh no," the female cut him off. "Banjou, not again! Stop with the crying, you big blubbering baby!"

The third laughed loudly. "I can't believe you. Get over it, man. She's not coming back."

Kaneki watched as Banjou removed his hands from his face. "I'm not crying."

"Well," the female said, "We came to meet your new office mate. Will you introduce us?"

Banjou sighed. "Mr. Kaneki--"

"Oh, just Kaneki is fine!" Kaneki said, interrupting. Banjou stared at him. "Sorry," Kaneki added.

"Kaneki . . . this is Ichimi," here the spiky-haired male nodded at him, "Jiro," the red-headed female smiled politely, "and Sante." The pony-tail male inclined his head forward. "They're siblings, and a pain in the ass."

The three siblings laughed at this. "Yeah, I guess we are," Sante said, shrugging. "By the way, that's not our real names. Just the ones that are easiest to remember us by."

"Well, nice to meet you all," Kaneki said with a small smile. The three went over to surround Banjou's desk, rifling through his drawers. There was a rustle and then a cry of indignation.

"THOSE ARE MY COOKIES!" Kaneki held back a laugh. Maybe this guy wasn't as threatening as he seemed. Maybe they could get along, after all.

Eventually, the three siblings left, with a good-bye wave at Kaneki, and Banjou seemed to be in a bit of a better mood after they departed, despite his cookies being confiscated. He answered a few of Kaneki's questions without glaring, and stopped staring. Around 12:30 or so, Banjou announced that he was going on lunch.

"If you want," he began hesitatingly, pausing in a stretch, "I can show you a good spot to eat."

"Sure," Kaneki blinked, surprised. He followed Banjou from the room, and they headed back toward the elevators. There, alongside the wall, was a door with a keycard pad. Banjou slid his card, and then suddenly they were outsisde.

"Watch your step," Banjou warned. Kaneki was glad he said something. There were two wide steps leading down, and then they were on a balcony of sorts, that seemed to surround the entire floor. Maybe that's why he didn't notice the balcony at first--because of the steps leading down. It probably wasn't noticeable from their office unless someone walked by their window. And maybe only then if they were very tall.

"Wow," Kaneki breathed as he took in the city, the sound around him so different when higher up.

"There's one like this every four floors," Banjou explained. The balcony was about 10 feet or so wide, and had a glass wall with steel framing that served as their barrier. It was thick. Kaneki wondered if Tsukiyama Group also owned a glass business. Either way, it seemed peaceful out here. The brunet followed the much taller male as they walked toward some chairs. There were a few people further on, chatting away, only the sounds of their voices carrying.

Kaneki took a seat in one, and it was not so comfortable. It was a very heavy metal chair, perhaps wrought iron to hold it down should any gusts of wind come along.

"You didn't bring a lunch?" Banjou questioned, digging in his paper lunch bag.

"Oh. No. I forgot. And I saw that there's vending machines, but I only have my card on me. But it's fine, I'll eat when I go home."

Banjou snorted. "Here." He held out a sandwich. "Take it. I have two."

"Uhhhh. . . no thanks. Really." Kaneki waved him away.

"Kaneki, take the sandwich," Banjou insisted. "I have plenty of food. You should see the inside of my desk."

Kaneki smiled, finally accepting. "Okay. Thank you." Banjou nodded at him, taking out the other sandwich he had mentioned.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, relaxing. Kaneki unwrapped his gifted sandwich. It was peanut butter and jelly. He smiled again. The thought of the giant male making and being a fan of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches was an amusing thought. But it was delicious. Strawberry jelly, Kaneki's favorite.

"I'm sorry about before," Banjou finally said, breaking the silence.

"Hmm?" Kaneki said around a full mouth of deliciousness, turning toward the giant.

Banjou was looking down. "There was a girl . . . " _Uh oh_ , Kaneki thought. How many doomed men began a sentence with that very phrase?

"Her name was Rize. She worked in Accounting. In the desk that's now yours. She was really nice, or at least I thought so. But she was fired . . . " The male now looked incredibly sad. "And I never got to say good-bye."

Kaneki didn't know the rest of the story. He didn't know what this girl Rize might have been to Banjou. But he knew he was hurting. With hesitant movements, he laid a hand on Banjou's shoulder, the appendage small in comparison to the size of the larger male. "I'm sorry, Banjou." Surpisingly, the giant covered Kaneki's hand with one of his own, getting some jelly on it. He covered his eyes with the other and let out a few shaky breaths. Finally, he looked up and over at Kaneki, his eyes a little red.

"Thank you." And then he moved his hand, Kaneki retracting his own. "I sometimes wish I had told her how I felt . . . but she wouldn't have gone for me anyway. She seemed to like your type more."

Kaneki was certain she didn't go for his type. "What do you mean?"

"Oh. You know. Good-looking and dresses nice. A nice guy."

Kaneki just shook his head, amused. "Don't worry, Banjou. I wouldn't ever be a threat."

"Why do you say that?" Banjou asked quizzically.

"Because . . . " he may as well just let him know. To see if it made him uncomfortable now rather than later. "I like men."

"Oh. Okay." Banjou finished his sandwich, looking thoughtful. "So what would you have done?"

"Eh?" Kaneki wished for a napkin to wipe the jelly off of his hand.

"If you liked someone, what would you--how would you tell them?"

Oh, Kaneki thought. He had no idea. "Hmm. I'm not really sure. I guess I would . . wait for the right moment?"

"Ah." Banjou considered this, fingers running across his goatee. "Well, maybe if I ever see her again, it'll be the right moment." And he smiled at Kaneki.

They finished their lunch, Kaneki getting to know the taller male better, listening to his stories about the three co-workers he had met previously in the office. He found, to his surprise, that he was smiling more than he had in months. He even laughed once or twice. Maybe it was being around someone new, seeing their perspective, not being treated like glass. Or maybe it was Banjou himself, so open, so giving.

They went back into the office, and Banjou trained Kaneki on a few things, checking off items from the list that Nishio had emailed to both of them. The taller male even showed Kaneki a few games he had on his computer, including Tetris and Snood. "Don't tell Nishio," Banjou requested, looking worried for a minute or two. Kaneki assured him that his secret was safe with him.

Soon enough it was the end of the day, and Kaneki found that he was . . . happy? . . . with the events of the day. As he walked through the glass bridge again, his thoughts wandered to Shuu. And he wondered why that was. It made him feel slightly off-kilter. Kaneki wandered into the parking garage, noticing that the flashy dark-blue Jaguar was gone. He wasn't surprised. Rich bastard probably made his own hours. He was unlocking his bike when he remembered Dr. Itori's assignment again. And his new camaraderie with Banjou.

Had he made a new friend today?

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

"And yesterday after work, we went to happy hour. With the siblings. It was fun, I guess." Kaneki shrugged.

The brunet had just finished telling Dr. Itori about Banjou, who had quickly become a friend in the two weeks that had passed since he began working at Tsukiyama Group. He had told her about the giant's penchant for junk food and occasional melancholy. And how he seemed to be liked by mostly everyone.

He and Banjou, along with Sante, Ichimi, and Jiro had gone out the previous night for happy hour. They had sat down at an outdoor patio, the sun catching their faces as they joked and chatted. Kaneki had been initially a little apprehensive about going out with all of them, but Banjou always seemed to put him at ease about things.

"Don't worry, I'll be there. All the ladies. . . and even men . . . will be looking at me," he joked, pointing two thumbs toward his own chest. Kaneki had laughed. Banjou's sense of humor was a lot like Hide's in that way, sometimes being silly and ridiculous to get Kaneki to forget about what was bothering him. He and his best friend had established that kind of routine over the years at times, for Kaneki often found it hard to talk about his problems. It was just easier to internalize it all. When it came to important issues, Hide seemed to figure out what he would be thinking anyways and acted accordingly.

"Do you think that you would go to happy hour again with them?" Dr. Itori asked, pausing at a kiosk to look at some strawberries. The vendor indicated that they could try one if they wished, and Dr. Itori handed Kaneki a fresh strawberry as he considered his answer. It was delicious. Juicy and sweet. He couldn't remember the last time he ate strawberries that weren't covered in chocolate . . . he cut the memory off right there and finished the rest of the fruit. Dr. Itori bought a quart of them.

When Kaneki had arrived at Dr. Itori's house that Saturday morning for his appointment, she had a proposition for him. Why not have their appointment outside today? While they went for a walk and to a nearby farmer's market? It was a perfect kind of summer morning, warm and a hint of a breeze. Kaneki had agreed after thinking about it for a moment. Dr. Itori had grinned, throwing on a huge sun hat that went well with her bright green summer dress. And then they were off.

They had walked through the heart of the artsy area of the city, past the buzzing of tattoo parlors and musicians strumming their guitars on the sidewalk, singing their soulful tunes. Art vendors had examples of work on display. The smell of french fries floated out of the open front doors of restaurants. Kaneki had even caught a whiff of coffee beans, a scent he would never in his life forget. People were strolling around hand in hand with their significant other, or sometimes as a trio of friends. There was so much to see. So it wasn't necessarily strange that he found it comfortable being outside and strolling at Dr. Itori's side. He felt it was easier to talk about himself and what work had been like for the first two weeks without Dr. Itori's constant gaze on him. And for the first time in a long time, he felt a continued contentment each day. He looked forward to going in to work. And he had been proud of himself for making a new friend.

"Hmmm. Maybe? The siblings sure talk a lot. They're very funny, though. Sometimes they'll start to bicker as a group for a few minutes and then later it's all forgotten. But I think it'd be more relaxing next time if it's just Banjou."

Dr. Itori nodded, thinking. "You meet anybody else interesting at work?"

 _Well Shuu was certainly interesting enough_ , thought Kaneki. In the past two weeks, he had seen him in passing on a couple of occasions, though he was pretty sure Shuu hadn't seen him. The model male was always in colorful attire, turquoise hair perfectly in place. Usually busy in enthusiastic conversation with whomever he was with, a practiced smile on his perfect face. Though Kaneki was not blind to the male's stunning and undeniable beauty, the arrogance and overly exuberant nature of Shuu put him off entirely. For some reason, it seemed like the male was always . . . performing. So at the end of the day, he was just nice to look at.

"I'm pretty sure my boss, Nishio, hates me," Kaneki told his therapist as they made their way over to another vendor who was selling peaches and other fruit. "Every time I drop something off to his office or he passes me in the hall he kind of . . . I don't know . . . _glowers_  at me." And it was true. Since that first day in Nishio's office with Shuu and Akira, something must have happened that was beyond Kaneki's comprehension at the time to make his manager dislike him. To the point that his eyes narrowed noticeably each time he was in his proximity.

"Glowers at you? Is he a naturally unpleasant sort of man?" Dr. Itori led them away to another kiosk. This one sold tomatoes and onions, and various herbs. Kaneki took a closer look. He was planning on making it a Taco Tuesday for his day to cook dinner, and he could use these items. He picked up a few tomatoes, inspecting them for quality and ripeness.

"Mmm. I don't really know. Banjou doesn't really say much about him one way or the other. I think they just communicate as little as possible seeing as how we are pretty proficient at what we do. Nishio doesn't really bother me, anyways. I do my job well and he has nothing to complain about."

Dr. Itori nodded again, and watched as Kaneki bought some tomatoes and onions. They eventually started to walk back to her house, with the doctor asking Kaneki about his childhood. He talked to her about his mother and how she worked multiple jobs to take care of him and Hinami. About how smart and wonderful his little sister was, and how he tried to take care of both his mother and sister now. He told her about Hide befriending him as a kid when he had no other friends. And the two of them meeting Touka in middle school when she moved in with her grandparents just down the road from them. He even mentioned dating Brett, who had been a douchebag by the end of their relationship. Pretty much everything about him except that which concerned Ayato. He just didn't trust himself yet to bring those emotions to the surface just yet.

They were passing through the artsy area of the city when Dr. Itori stopped at a community board. "Hmm," she mused, looking at the flyers that were posted. "Kaneki, I have more homework for you."

"More homework?" he asked warily. Though the previous assignment had been easy enough, he had an inkling that this next challenge would be more difficult.

"Yes," she turned to him brightly, a big smile on her face, her floppy sunhat inches away from hitting him. She pointed at a flyer. "That."

Kaneki looked to the flyer in particular she was indicating. It was for a gay men's social mixer, for single men, at a nearby bar. For next Saturday. The brunet's eyes widened, cheeks flushing. _I'm not ready_.... he thought, anxiety beginning to pool into his chest. _I don't date_....

As if reading his mind, Dr. Itori spoke to him in a comforting tone, "Kaneki. It's not to go on a date. It's just to socialize. Meet other men. Talking. Maybe have a drink or two." She laid a hand on his shoulder. "You've already made some huge strides these past few weeks. You have really opened up to me, to others. You can do this. It doesn't mean anything else besides showing up and talking. That's it. And if you get there and are too uncomfortable, then leave. But I think you should try it out. I really believe you would surprise yourself with what you can do."

Kaneki looked at his therapist, his eyes still wide, but his anxiety flowing away. He felt himself relax, almost to the point of where he had been before Dr. Itori had mentioned attending the mixer. He looked back to the flyer, noting the time and location. Taking a deep breath in, and then letting it out slowly, he turned back to his therapist, a determined expression on his face.

"Okay."

"Yeah?" she smiled at him, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Wonderful." They resumed their walk, again passing the restaurants and other assorted stores along the way.

"Hey, Itori." Kaneki looked to the source of the voice, the words spoken quietly. In front of them, preparing to walk into a tattoo parlor, was a thin male a few inches taller than Kaneki. He had pitch black hair pulled back from his face into a ponytail of sorts, with a good amount of the left side of head buzzed free of hair. Various tattoos covered his neck and arms, visible because of the loose, sleeveless gray shirt he had chosen to wear. He seemed to have a inner strength about him, and a quiet sort of beauty all his own. Kaneki looked at his eyes, unable to tell what color they were exactly. They were dark . . . were they entirely black? The brunet found himself staring, surprisingly finding himself curious.

"Uta, hello. This is Kaneki Ken. Kaneki, this is Uta, my neighbor."

The two males exchanged pleasantries, and then Uta turned back to Dr. Itori. "Anything good at the farmer's market?"

"Mmm hmm. I found some delicious strawberries. I'll probably make some shortcake today. Come by later? You can have some."

Uta sighed, shifting his weight to one leg, looking apologetic. "I can't today, sorry. I have a few customers today, and the last one is for late this evening. Maybe some other time."

"You're a tattoo artist?" Kaneki asked, surprising himself yet again in being interested in this stranger's life.

"Yes. Why? Are you thinking about getting a tattoo?" Uta fixed his unwavering eyes on Kaneki, expression unreadable but voice curious.

"Uh. . . . no. I was just wondering. I like your tattoos though." Kaneki gestured to a sun tattoo on Uta's left shoulder. "They're, uh, nice," he finished lamely.

Uta inclined his head politely. "Thank you. I designed it myself." He looked back to Dr. Itori. "Itori, I'll see you around sometime. Kaneki Ken, it was nice to meet you. I must be getting inside now."

Kaneki and Itori said good bye, watching as Uta took a few languid steps into the shop. But then he turned around. "You do realize that hat is ridiculous, right?" And then without waiting for an answer, he disappeared into the parlor.

Dr. Itori laughed lightly at Uta's comment, and then they started walking back toward her home, which was also the direction Kaneki would take to get home himself.

"He seems like a nice neighbor, "Kaneki commented.

"He is. He's actually designing a tattoo for me. I finally got the courage to get it done." Dr. Itori smiled. As they approached Dr. Itori's walkway in front of her home, she turned to face Kaneki directly.

"Okay Kaneki, so I'll see you in two weeks? Maybe we can go on another stroll through the city? I know of a place that seriously has the best iced tea and lemonade."

Kaneki found he much preferred their outdoor sessions. "Yes. I would like that."

"And your homework . . . you'll go to the mixer?" She was looking into his face earnestly, trying to read any signs of apprehension or discomfort.

"Yes. I will be going." He found that he felt fine about it at the moment. He just had to talk, right? He was capable of that. He did that plenty of times at the bars he had gone to the last few months or so.

"One more thing." Dr. Itori looked seriously at him. "This event might have you tempted to repeat your past behavior and leave with someone at the end of the night. I want you to challenge yourself. Do not do that. I am having you go to this so that you can continue putting yourself out there, meet new people, socialize. Nothing more. Got it?"

Kaneki breathed out. "Got it."

"Good." She patted his shoulder. "I'll see you in two weeks. And don't forget, should you ever need anything, at any time, please call. You have my number."

"Thank you." She walked toward her house then, and Kaneki found himself pondering the day's events the whole way home.

 

* * *

The following week passed quickly enough at work, with Kaneki continuing to get settled in to the job and his co-workers. His assignments were not particularly challenging, and the pay was certainly nice. Kaneki had always been a studious worker and student. So getting his tasks done was just a matter of prioritizing and then working steadily. Unlike Banjou who seemed to work at a hack-and-slash kind of pace, at times delving into his work with unbridled fervor and then at other times sitting back and stretching before reaching for some fig newtons in his desk.

"I don't know how you're not fat," Kaneki commented to him one day as they each picked out a donut in the break room. He didn't usually join Banjou in indulging in the sweet, but today he couldn't help but let the giant cajole him into coming with him to get one. The smaller male considered his options briefly before selecting a simple honey cruller. It seemed like the one with the least amounts of sugary substance involved.

"Because I work out every day after work," Banjou said around a mouthful of an apple fritter. He swallowed, then flexed an arm for Kaneki, the muscle bulging. The giant grinned ridiculously. "Chicks dig it."

Kaneki rolled his eyes. "So you've been talking to women? That's great! Any dates lately?" He asked teasingly before taking a bite of his donut. _Hmm, not bad._

"Well, no." Banjou looked sheepish. "When they come talk to me in the gym or when I'm out shopping, I don't really know what to say to them." The giant looked at the remaining piece of fritter in his hand, looking a tad sad now.

Kaneki wasn't having any of it. "How about we go to happy hour again next week? And then we will go up and talk to some people. And I'll be there in case you feel embarrassed." He could do that easily enough, help Banjou chat up ladies, very surface level chat on his part with no other intention but to help his friend get over his shyness.

"You would do that?" Banjou asked, eyes wide like a child in amazement.

"Of course." Kaneki finished the last of his donut, but then braced himself as Banjou rushed toward him, enveloping him in a tight hug, sticky hands surely getting sugary residue on his clothing somewhere.

"You're the best friend I've ever had, Kaneki," Banjou said sincerely. _Huh_. Kaneki felt his eyebrows knit at that, considering the compliment and finding it hard to accept it. Slowly, he returned the hug, patting Banjou awkwardly on the back.

"Am I . . . interrupting something?" a melodious voice spoke from behind Banjou, near the entrance of the room.

Kaneki and Banjou separated to see Shuu smiling engimatically before them, a slight tilt to his head as he considered the pair of accountants. As usual, he was dressed colorfully, this time in a plum and black three piece suit. His hair was still a bright turquoise, hair immaculately styled. His whole demeanor suggested he knew just how attractive he was.

"No," huffed Banjou, and Kaneki was surprised to see the usually friendly man's expression turn into one of deep dislike. This was something new. Banjou seemed to like everybody, even recognizing good qualities in Nishio. But now, there was definitely some resentment in the way Banjou glared at Shuu.

Silence fell in the room, and Kaneki felt the awkwardness of the situation. He moved to top off his coffee at the counter, seeing Shuu move toward the donuts out of his peripheral vision. _That guy actually eats donuts?_  he thought, amazed. _I'm surprised that he isn't on a permanent diet of lettuce._

"Ah. My favorite kind is still here. Boston cream donut." Kaneki turned around slowly to see Shuu take an elegant bite out of his pastry, the sapphire eyes of the model fixed on Kaneki's face. Shuu swallowed, then deliberately licked his lower lip with a slow swipe of his tongue. His gem-like eyes raked across Kaneki's face until the brunet felt his face redden under the scrutiny.

 _What an awfully gaudy asshole,_  Kaneki thought, annoyed at his initial reaction to the male. "Banjou, you ready?" he asked sharply. And without another word, he turned on his heel and headed toward the door.

"Yup! One sec." Kaneki heard the giant's heavy footsteps, a rustling, and then heard Banjou clomping after him. The smaller male was not surprised to see another donut in his hand.

"Dude, seriously, you eat too much sugar," he looked over at Banjou as they walked, a simmering expression on the giant's face. "What's eating you?"

"Huh?" Banjou shifted his coffee cup to avoid someone walking past them.

"What's with your face? You look like you have indigestion or something. Which I know is impossible for you."

"Oh. It's just that guy--"

"Shuu?" Kaneki pushed open the door to their office, setting his mug of coffee down on his desk.

"Oh you know him? Well good then, you probably already know how much of an asshole he is."

Kaneki hmphed. "It's pretty obvious."

Banjou looked at him seriously. "What is also obvious is the way he was looking at you. I've seen him that way before . . . "

"Pshh. Don't worry, Banjou. I don't go for his type." Kaneki shrugged, opening his laptop.

Banjou sighed. "Good. Because he was the one who got Rize fired."

"Really?" Kaneki was surprised. The giant hadn't mentioned his former office mate since that first day that Kaneki worked, almost three weeks ago. "How?"

"I don't really know the particulars. But I've heard rumors." The huge male was looking grim, but then took a big bite of his donut, jelly falling onto his desk. Kaneki grimaced. The giant was the sloppiest eater Kaneki had ever come across.

The next day, Friday, both he and Banjou were working later than usual. They were working on charging off a few of the accounts they were responsible for, and sending the necessary paperwork and information to the collectors. Everyone else on their floor seemed to have left an hour or so ago, leaving the two of them to complete their work. Banjou was in his serious work phase, some Chips Ahoy! cookies open beside him as he worked studiously and swiftly at his computer, crumbs lining that side of his desk. He had offered a few of his precious chewy cookies to Kaneki, but the male had declined.

They worked for another half hour or so, the summer sun beginning its late descent behind the horizon. "Anddddd finished!" Kaneki announced, sending their combined analysis report to the printer. Nishio had told them he wanted it on his desk before they left. They packed up their items, stopping at the printer to pick up the report. Together they made their way over to Nishio's office, shades still drawn, not providing a hint as to whether or not he was still in.

Kaneki knocked softly on the door, not hearing a response. He tentatively opened the door. Empty. The sky behind the desk was a beautiful panorama of pinks and golds, illuminating the office in its golden glow. The brunet marveled at the sight for a moment before moving forward to set the report on his manager's desk. Then he and Banjou left, making their way out of the building and toward the parking garage. They both carried helmets at their side, Kaneki for his bicycle and Banjou for a motorcycle that he had recently purchased. As they walked through the glass bridge, the giant began telling Kaneki excitedly about his plans to cruise around on his bike that weekend and hopefully catch the attention of some girls.

The brunet smiled, but then yelled out, "Aw shit!" He stopped in his tracks.

"What?" Banjou looked at him quizzically.

"I forgot to print out the adjusted balance sheet and include that with the report. Dammit." Kaneki heaved a sigh, aggravated with himself.

"He won't even notice it's not there. Most likely he's home by now with an overly expensive bottle of wine and scratching his balls." Banjou gestured Kaneki forward again with his head, but the smaller male shook his head.

"Just my luck, he'll get here before me on Monday. Or come in this weekend and he will see that it's not there. The last thing I need is for him to somehow hate me more. I'm gonna go back and print it."

"Ok, let's go then." Banjou moved as if to join him back upstairs, but Kaneki knew the male was hungry for an overdue dinner. He had been talking about his spaghetti parmesan leftovers since lunchtime.

"Nah, I've got it. It'll only take me a minute. You go home." Kaneki waved him off.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'll see you Monday."

They said goodbye and Kaneki began his walk back into the building, up the elevator to the 12th floor. The building was pretty empty of employees at this point. He only saw a couple on the first two floors, but nobody remained on his floor. He quickly got his laptop out in the printer room, sending the necessary document to the printer. Then he packed his laptop back into his messenger bag, and headed back towards Nishio's office. He had changed into a tshirt and shorts for the ride home on his bicycle before he and Banjou had left, and now his sneakers made no noise as they came into contact with the tiled floor.

Arriving at Nishio's office, Kaneki didn't bother knocking, believing that his boss had already left for the day. He took two steps inside before he realized the office was occupied. And then his jaw dropped.

The office was still bathed in the pink and golden hues of the setting sun, and it cast its rays onto the pair in front of him. Four or five feet in front of Kaneki, Nishio was bent over his desk, naked. He had his hands curled around the front of his desk, moaning wantonly. His hair was a mess, he looked like he had gone through a wind tunnel. Kaneki felt a flash of amusement, and bit back the sudden and wild desire to laugh. But then Kaneki looked up, and saw who his partner was. And he froze. Shuu.

Shuu had his hands on Nishio's hips, thrusting into him from behind, hips moving rhythmically. His suit jacket was draped over a chair, his shirt unbuttoned, revealing creamy, flawless skin. He could just see the tops of his angular hips, his body seemingly flawless. Kaneki's eyes traveled up to Shuu's face, and saw that the male was staring back at him. His bright turquoise hair was falling into his face, but some of the pink light turned his hair a light purple color. The front of his face was illuminated only on one side, the other only a dim shadow. But it was still enough for Kaneki to see the sheen of sweat that had started to make the male's face shiny from the exercise of sex. It just made him look even more gorgeous. To Kaneki's surprise, Shuu wasn't looking at him in horror or embarrassment. It was almost sultry, challenging. The gem-like eyes smoldered and burned into his face, and Kaneki felt his face redden once again. Stop it, he told himself.

When Kaneki had entered, Nishio hadn't noticed his presence, for his face had been turned to the side, his eyes closed. The sounds his boss had been making had been louder than the sound of the door opening. Shuu had seen him immediately, however, and now his eyes moved unabashedly up and down Kaneki's body, biting his lip.  _Is he eye fucking me right now?_  Kaneki thought wildly. Shuu's gaze held Kaneki in place as he continued to stare at him intently. His next thrust into Nishio was hard, and the male moaned grossly.

An unbidden laugh escaped from Kaneki's mouth, and he clamped a hand over it, horrified.  _Oh shit._

"What the--KANEKI?? GET OUT!!" Now Nishio knew he was there, and he was pissed.

Kaneki took a hurried step forward and set the adjusted balance sheet on one of the chairs. He didn't look back as he made his way out of the office and shut the door behind him. Taking a deep breath and trying to hold back panicked laughter, he suddenly heard voices in Nishio's office. Was Nishio coming after him? Kaneki booked it down the hallway to the elevators. He smashed his fingers into the button, willing it to hurry. Yep, those were most definitely the sounds of an angry pair of feet coming down the hallway. Thankfully, the elevator opened just then and he smashed the button to get the doors closed.

He blew out a sigh of relief, and leaned against the side of the elevator as it made its way down. Nobody was on the second floor when he exited the elevator, but he hurried through the glass bridge and into the parking garage just in case Nishio had decided to pursue him further. He didn't notice the dark blue Jag still in its spot near the bike rack, preoccupied with his own thoughts. As he pedaled leisurely home, he found his mind lingering on the way Shuu's body looked, the way his hips rotated forward in a thrust, the way those beautiful eyes held him in place. The way he wanted to kiss the model and make him sweat with their sex . . . _Oh god, no.  Nooooooo._

He was doomed. There was no getting around it. He was attracted to Shuu. Kaneki muttered various swear words at himself the entire way home, catching quite a few strange glances thrown his way by passersby.

 

* * *

The next night, Kaneki walked into a bar, anticipation settling into his stomach like a heavy stone. He had showed up to the social mixer as promised, telling himself the whole way over that he just needed to talk to these men. No need to provide details about his personal life, no expectation of a date or commitment. But it was still weighing on his mind because it was something he hadn't decided to do, it was something Dr. Itori had asked him to do.

He had arrived around a quarter past 8, the event running from 8pm to 11 or so. Many men already occupied the bar area, and Kaneki felt hesitant to push his way through to order a drink. He didn't want to call attention to himself. The brunet found himself wishing he had convinced Hide or even Banjou to come with him tonight. But he couldn't--this was for him to get through, important for him to work on himself.

Kaneki put his hands into the pockets of his black jeans, stepping to an opening in the bar. He didn't even get to order a drink before a taller male looked him over quickly and said, "What are you drinking?" Kaneki knew what it meant. It meant an obligation to talk to the man who had bought him a drink, an obligation to temporarily ignore other offers of interest. When Kaneki had gone home with random males during the past few months, it had eventually meant giving up his body for a time to that particular person. But today was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be different. Dr. Itori had instructed him to not leave with a male. So this drink he would purchase with his own money and just talk.

"I don't know yet. Thanks, though." Kaneki didn't even know what the male looked like. He ordered a rum and Coke and then moved toward a high-top table. The bar was quite warm, and Kaneki was glad he had decided against a button down shirt and had just gone with a t-shirt. The dark purple fabric fit tightly on his thin frame, showing the contours of his slender body.

After a few minutes, a couple of males had introduced themselves and he promptly forgot their names. This seemed to happen all the time when Kaneki went out to bars and met men. This was supposed to be different though. He would try and make a better effort to remember them. Maybe one of them was samed Sam and the other James? Maybe? He didn't want to risk it. They were beginning to ask him questions about what he did, what he liked to do in his free time, tv shows he liked to watch and he started to feel too warm. This was beginning to be too much about himself, too much the center of attention. His cheeks reddened, feeling uncomfortable. He didn't like this at all. No no no no. He wanted to get out. Dr. Itori had told him that if he felt uncomfortable that he could just leave, so that is what he felt like doing. But then there was a soft voice at his back.

"Kaneki?"

The brunet turned to see a familiar face. Uta. The male had his hair tied back again, his undercut on the left side of his head showing. He was wearing a loose, white sleeveless shirt and tight black pants which were ripped in various place on his lower half. He was looking good.

"Uta," Kaneki said breathlessly, grateful for the out. Uta held out a hand, and Kaneki took it without hesitation. The two males he was standing with protested him leaving, but the brunet left without any other comment.

Uta guided them towards a corner of the bar. "I wasn't expecting to see anybody I knew here," he offered, looking around the bar speculatively.

"Dr. Itori assigned me homework," Kaneki explained.

Uta considered this, hmming. "I see," he said. He asked no further questions.

"Thank you for rescuing me."

"It was my pleasure. You looked like you were about to bolt." Uta took a drink of his beverage, some yellow-tinted liquid.

"I was," Kaneki confided. The two males chatted for some time, Kaneki finding himself feeling comfortable in the other male's presence and able to objectively assess his beauty. Uta didn't push him to answer deeply personal questions, which was what helped to put Kaneki at ease. There was an easy flow of conversation between them as Uta answered Kaneki's questions about his tattoos, and then they were able to launch from there into discussion about books. To his surprise, Uta was also an avid reader and a Takatsuki Sen fan. The pair had been talking for nigh an hour when Kaneki heard a familiar voice behind him.

". . . yes those flowers were totally inappropriate for the occasion!" Kaneki froze, not hearing the words that Uta continued to speak to him. He slowly rotated his head around. There at the bar, stood Shuu. No less than 3 or 4 males were vying for his attention. He was wearing a white v-neck t shirt under a black blazer, with tight fitting dark wash jeans. It was a noticeable step down from the colorful clothing he wore to the office. Yet the male still stood out. Maybe it had to do with his bright turquoise hair. Maybe it was his air of confidence that extended to the area around him. Or maybe it was just his aura of magnificence. Kaneki could only look over at him for a few beats before he tore his gaze away. He was just that beautiful.

"That guy . . . I work with him. I need to get away from here," Kaneki murmured desperately.

Without a word, Uta held out his hand again, leading Kaneki to another bar in the back. It was less occupied, murkier, darker. They sat in a booth, on the same side. Uta didn't release his hand as they took a seat, and Kaneki couldn't find it in his mind to be bothered about it. He sucked down the remains of his second? third? drink and then Uta was ordering them another. He felt good.

Kaneki felt himself open up to the effects of the alcohol. His smiling became easier, his words flowed as if they were a heavy current. He didn't protest when Uta moved his hand to Kaneki's thigh. It felt nice. They chatted a bit more, and then when Kaneki turned his head toward the tattooed male to emphasize a point, he found that their lips met gently together. Uta pressed against him, and they continued to kiss softly.

Uta's kisses were different than anything that Kaneki had experienced before. They were of a deeply sensual nature, relying on the slow building of tension and feeling. After a few moments, Uta ventured forth his tongue, eliciting a moan from the needy Kaneki. Their tongues joined together, the kiss turning into one of an urgent need to continue this further.

"Wanna get out of here?" Uta asked as Kaneki finished his drink a few minutes later.

"Yes," Kaneki murmured, his world tilting slightly, the lights in the bar now a little too bright.

They walked out, hands joined. Kaneki kept his head down as they walked through the main bar, not noticing the intrigued jewel-like eyes that watched him leave. He was relieved to be out in the open air once again. He walked alongside Uta, not having far to travel to get to the tattooed male's house.

Uta let them in, shutting and locking the front door behind them. He poured them each a glass of water, and then they settled on the couch. Kaneki didn't even get a taste of the liquid before Uta had taken possession of his lips again, demanding his attention. The tattooed male's tongue began venturing down Kaneki's neck, lapping at his skin where the shoulder and neck met. He offered no objection as Uta pulled him onto his lap, his hands going to the brunet's thin waist.

Kaneki let the other male's hands explore his abdomen, eyes closed in deep concentration. He felt so much more relaxed to be away from the bar where he was just supposed to talk, to be himself. It made him so uncomfortable at the time. . . . not to mention that Shuu showed up of all people. Shuu who was so beautiful, so graceful in his movements. No surprise that he was the main attraction at the social mixer.

Slowly Kaneki opened his hazy eyes. His placement on Uta's lap had him facing the living room window, the blinds up. The brunet could clearly see Dr. Itori's house, and her last words of directing him not to leave the bar with someone reverberated in his mind. The reminder made him feel anxious, and he looked down at what was going on. Uta was currently biting at his nipples, his hands on Kaneki's firm ass. It had to stop.

But it felt so good to be doing what he was used to doing again. Shutting off his mind and letting someone handle him. Having their way with him. No emotional investment. But Uta knew his name, his real name. Uta was his therapist's neighbor, not a faceless or nameless stranger. Uta was . . . nice. Interesting. The tattooed male knew a lot about him from their conversation at the bar. Usually he made something up to the males he talked to. A totally false backstory. So this was different...

And then Kaneki's anxiety kicked into high gear. Going through with this would mean Uta would be having sex with him, Kaneki. Not a stranger, not Haise Sasaki. _No no nonono._  He wasn't ready to give his emotions over to somebody that way, he couldn't handle it, he didn't want that.

"Uta . . . I can't." Kaneki pushed off of the tattooed male's lap, sitting himself back at the end of the couch. "I'm sorry. I just can't."

Uta considered him wordlessly for a moment, and Kaneki felt worried that maybe he was angry at him for interrupting what most definitely would have led to sex. And then Kaneki realized he was actually worried over that. When was the last time something like that had bothered him?

"I understand," Uta said quietly, drinking some of his water. "You don't have to apologize. Are you okay?"

Kaneki laughed darkly under his breath, running a hand through the front of his dark brown hair. _Am I okay?_  He didn't know how to answer that. Instead, he stood, taking his glass to the kitchen sink, and then made his way over to the front door. Uta followed him, and Kaneki paused on his way out. He turned around, looking into Uta's stoic face.

"Thank you again, for rescuing me tonight."

Uta nodded politely. "Of course."

"And . . . I was wondering. Would you maybe want to be . . . my friend?" Kaneki shifted from foot to foot, wondering if that question was as ridiculous as it sounded.

Because the truth of it was, he liked Uta as a person. Having gotten to know him over the past few hours, he saw that he was interesting, kind, creative. They had a easy way of communicating between them that Kaneki didn't have with a lot of other people. Though the brunet knew he found Uta attractive, he also knew that it wouldn't ever be a problem again. At least not on his side. Because he couldn't give a part of himself to somebody else in that way, not now, not any time in the near future.

Kaneki looked down, knowing full well why he was the way he was. He knew that however much he tried to keep it hidden, he was still damaged from his breakup with Ayato. Most nights he still dreamt of the indigo-eyed male, sometimes of their night on the rooftop as fireworks exploded around them. Sometimes it was of Ayato making love to him, and Kaneki knew it was just a dream just a dream just a dream but he held onto it as long as he could. And when he awoke, he felt empty. Pitiful. Even as tears ran down his face.

Kaneki had had months to contemplate the end of his relationship with Ayato. The brunet still wasn't sure why Ayato had chosen to participate in organized criminal activity. Or why he thought it was okay to get Hinami involved. Instead of anger towards his ex, Kaneki now felt confusion. Why? He found himself asking everyday. Why? Why would you do that? Why would you fuck things up like that? And he directed some of those questions toward himself as well.

And now he was starting to see that maybe he didn't need the occasional sexual dalliance with strange men he would meet at bars. Maybe that's not what it would have been with Uta tonight. Because Kaneki had acknowledged that he wasn't ready to give up a part of himself to somebody else yet, which is what would have happened if he had allowed Uta to take him into his bedroom for sex. Which had never been a legitimate concern for him in the past six months.

Because before, the last interaction he had with Ayato was when the male roughly fucked him in his apartment. The last time Kaneki had _felt_  something so deeply. And his behavior with sleeping with multiple men lately was an attempt to get that feeling back, to try and replicate it. He could see that now, and he saw how he failed. And after every time, it just made him feel worse and worse about himself. But now? What did he think now? He had just turned someone down, and ludicrously asked them to be his friend. He actually wanted friends now. He had begun to see the value, the beauty in other people again. And maybe he wasn't a piece of shit, maybe he was worth something too. But he couldn't necessarily expect others to think that way, especially after making out with them in their house and cutting it off abruptly.

But, to his surprise--

"Yes, Kaneki. I'll be your friend," Uta said as quietly as he said anything else, and offered up a rare, small smile. "I'm glad I saw you tonight."

Kaneki felt his face light up in a genuinely happy smile. "That's great! Thank you! And uh, I'm glad I saw you tonight too." He started to move off of the front porch, walking down the stairs.

"Good night, Uta."

"Good night, Kaneki."

As Kaneki walked home, like many nights of days long past, he looked up into the stars. At peace with himself for the first time in a very long time. He was who he was. Somebody damaged and trying their best to get better. He knew it would be a long road, and he would be a weary traveler. But he wasn't scared of it anymore, he faced it with open arms. And he realized that he was ready to tell Dr. Itori about Ayato.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been almost a month since the last update! I'll try to post on a more consistent basis. Especially since there will be more of Tsukiyama Shuu in the next chapters.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Errrkay. So this is an in-between kind of chapter, setting the stage for plot stuff to come soon. Be patient with me! :)

  
Kaneki faced the prospect of work on Monday morning with dismay. He had tried not to think about it all weekend, but now it was upon him, and he had to face the music. Or shitstorm. He wondered if his boss was going to fire him. Or yell at him, invoking threats in order to gain his silence on what he had seen. Or treat him even more coldly, reddish-brown eyes the color of fox fur contemplating him coolly. As he locked up his bike, he noticed that the usual blue Jag wasn't parked in its spot. _Asshole's running a little late today_ he found himself thinking in an attempt to distract himself.

The coast seemed to be clear when Kaneki stepped out of the elevator on his floor, so he made his way quickly to his office. He started to smile in greeting at Banjou as he approached his door, but then he saw that there was someone else in their office, standing by his desk. Nishio. Kaneki walked in, looking first at Banjou. His friend had a puzzled expression on his face as he typed away at his computer, but remained silent. He was clearly uncomfortable having their boss in the office--perhaps even without an explanation for his presence. Because how would he say to Banjou, "Oh yeah, I'm here to yell at Kaneki for sneaking a peek at me while I got fucked in my office." Yeah . . . .no. Kaneki looked next at Nishio, who had his hands in the pockets of his dress slacks. He had been looking down at the ground, but at hearing Kaneki coming in or seeing his feet, his eyes trailed up slowly, blinking. As if he had been miles away, lost in thought. And Kaneki was surprised to see a lack of anger in his expression.

"I need a few moments of your time, Kaneki," Nishio said quietly, and then headed to the door. Now that his back was to them, Banjou's eyes widened in perplexity at Kaneki. But Kaneki merely shrugged in response, setting his items down hastily, and then moved to follow his manager.

Nishio didn't hurry ahead of him as they walked, but Kaneki walked a little behind him all the same. He still felt nervous, though less so now--Nishio wasn't being his usual snippety self. Once in his manager's office, Nishio gestured toward a chair, and the brunet took a seat. For a moment, Nishio didn't speak, choosing to gaze out his window. Finally, with a sigh, he turned around and looked at Kaneki.

"Kaneki, I realize that we didn't get off to the best of starts, and that's probably my fault." He paused for a moment, and then took a seat at his desk, meeting Kaneki's eyes squarely. "I wanted to bring you in for a couple of reasons this morning. First, I wanted to commend you on a job well done during your first three weeks with Tsukiyama Group. I have received word from Banjou on your diligence to staying on task. I must say, even Banjou's output has increased since you have begun working here. Thank you for your hard work."

Kaneki nodded, relaxing slightly. "You're welcome."

Now Nishio's eyes flitted slightly to the side, and he looked a little less confident about what he needed to say. Kaneki started to sweat, and he rubbed the palms of his hands on the legs of his slacks.

"I also wanted to bring you in today, to talk about what happened on Friday night." There was an awkward pause, and Kaneki looked at the desk in front of him, immediately recalling what he had seen. The most vivid image was that of Shuu himself being confident, resplendent, beautiful. Even as he was caught in the middle of sex. At work. Kaneki admired his fearlessness. Nishio took a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize to you for having to see that. It was highly inappropriate, especially for a manager--"

It was getting too awkward. Kaneki felt the need to put a stop to it. "Mr. Nishio--"

"Please, just Nishiki." _Ok then._

Kaneki didn't know if this newfound kindness towards himself was solely the product of Nishio just wanting to keep himself out of trouble or if the whole incident had him realizing he had been kind of an ass for a while. Either way, Kaneki was relieved that he seemed to not be getting fired today and that his working relationship with his boss would be a lot better from here on out.

"Um--well, you don't have to say anything else about Friday. I'm sorry that I didn't knock. Banjou and I had just been by maybe fifteen minutes before that, and we thought you had left. And . . . I'm not going to say anything. Not even to Banjou. Really."

Nishio's expression changed fractionally--perhaps he was relieved, being able to detect the sincerity of Kaneki's words. "I appreciate that, Kaneki. Thank you." He stood. "Would you . . . like to join me for coffee?"

"Oh. No, but thank you. I need to be getting to work." Nishio nodded politely.

Whenever Kaneki saw Nishio the rest of the day, his boss would smile politely at him. Once he even had a few kind words about the work he had submitted. And it had Kaneki wondering. . . what about Shuu? What was his whole take on this? And where was he? He hadn't seen him all day. That particular question remained unanswered, as he did not see him the next day, or the day after.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki and Banjou walked to the breakroom one morning late that week, as it had become their routine as of late. The giant would scoop up a couple of donuts kindly provided by their department while Kaneki would fill up his coffee, add a little more milk. They would loiter around a bit before returning to their office, occasionally running into the trio of siblings that would have them spending even more time in the break room. A couple of times, Kaneki had snuck away, not wanting to be seen as a slacker. And then once he came back to drag Banjou back to their office.

On this day, to Banjou's chagrin, someone had replaced the donuts with bagels.

"Bagels?!?" he groaned, slapping a hand across his forehead.

"It might do you some good," Kaneki elbowed him in the side. "You're gonna get fat. Or have a heart attack."

Banjou sighed, but then resigned himself to toasting a bagel. Kaneki moved towards the coffee pot, hearing the warbling of the television in the background.

"Hey, Kaneki, did you hear about that?" Banjou was leaning against the counter, a plastic butter knife in hand, arms crossed against his chest. Kaneki scoffed at the tub of strawberry cream cheese that was next to his friend on the counter. No doubt he was going to bury the bagel with layers of the stuff.

"Hear about what?" Kaneki put the coffee pot back in its holder and turned to lean against the counter like Banjou.

"The police finally have a break in that 'masked burglars' case. It's been on the news off and on for months now. Apparently, they made an arrest."

The world seemed to swim in front of Kaneki's eyes. It couldn't be . . . A rush of fear, of worry, fell like a stone in the pit of his empty stomach. He felt his coffee mug dip down, and he jerked to right it. Blazing hot coffee slopped over the side, spilling onto the floor.

"Hey!" Banjou moved to the side, avoiding the spill of hot liquid on himself. "You alright?"

"Yeah," Kaneki muttered, grabbing some napkins to clean up the mess. "Sorry." He crouched to the floor, wiping the coffee from the tile. Anxiety coursed through his limbs, and he felt the drastic desire, the absolute need, _to know_. He had to do something. He had to know. But could he call . . .him? No. But then what could he do?

Kaneki had an idea. He stood up, tossing the soiled napkins in the trash. "I'll be right back." Leaving his coffee in the breakroom, Kaneki retrieved his cell phone from his pants pocket. He hit a number on his favorites list as he walked towards his office. It only rang twice.

"Hey, Kaneki, what's up?" Touka's voice fluted from the other end, and he could hear the tapping of keys on a keyboard.

"Touka . . . I have to ask you something." He sounded hesitant, quiet. This was dangerous territory.

"Ask." And now her voice was different. She, like Hide, could read Kaneki like a book. Just the tone of his voice was enough for her to know something was up. There was no more tapping away at her laptop.

"I wanted to know . . . if you have talked to your--your brother lately." Kaneki stumbled over the words like a toddler learning to walk.

"No." Her voice was flat, definitive. And it crushed Kaneki that he didn't even have to define 'lately.' Clearly, they hadn't talked in a long time. He felt his nose begin to burn, his eyes water. The fear that he had voiced to Ayato so long ago about being the person to come between the taller male and Touka had come true in the end, after all. It was a hurt felt most stridently, grating at his insides. Kaneki sat down at his desk, his forehead thumping on the top of his desk.

"Why?" Touka asked.

The brunet could hear the dry edginess in his friend's voice. He knew she dealt with troublesome emotions by containing them, occasionally lashing out with anger when it became too much, when the bottle overflowed. And he didn't want to dredge up unpleasant feelings for her, because he knew all too well what it felt like to think about something that hurt beyond words. But this was . . . Ayato. Kaneki clenched his jaw, curling his toes in his dress shoes. And--and he was the one responsible for pushing the siblings apart again. He needed to say something here.

"Maybe you should. To see if--if . . . " Kaneki closed his eyes, his voice dropping to a whisper, "he's okay."

More silence. And then a huff of breath that Kaneki knew all too well. "Tell me why, Kaneki."

"You know I can't," he whispered again.

"How about this?" Touka's voice was harsh. "I'll reach out to him when you tell me why I should in the first place."

Kaneki leaned back in his chair, slumping backwards in it. He looked up at the ceiling tile, eyes tracing patterns. "That's unfair, Touka."

"Looks like you have a decision to make. Hide's making dinner tonight, so he'll be a little late getting home from work and the grocery store. You can talk to me then. Or not." And she disconnected the line.

Kaneki sat for a minute, motionless. He knew Touka well after the years of their friendship. She had never been the sentimental or gentle type. Hell no. She was rock, she could weather any storm, years and years of shit as everything changed around her. His friend was being hard on him, and he understood why. Touka needed to be, because otherwise he would never tell her why it was important that she contact her brother. And maybe . . . maybe she was mad at him. It would be justifiable, in Kaneki's eyes. She had clearly written off her brother again, this time because of him. That couldn'tve been easy. And now Kaneki was asking her to talk to Ayato once again. He didn't blame her for her harshness. Though he hadn't asked her to stop talking to Ayato--he would never have asked that of her--he could still see why she would be mad at him for wanting her to talk to her brother once again, after everything all of them had gone through.

The work day dragged by for Kaneki, and it didn't escape Banjou's notice. He attempted to lighten the mood on several occasions, but Kaneki continued to be subdued, thoughtful. There really was no option for him. He would talk to Touka. Because living with the fear that Ayato could have been apprehended by the police was gnawing away at him, painfully. But he didn't let himself think past that point. Wouldn't let himself consider why it still mattered so much to him.

He left as early as he possibly could, packing his laptop away and grabbing his bag and helmet. "See ya, Banjou." Kaneki heard a confused reply, and then he was out the door. He didn't bother to change into his usual t shirt and shorts combo for the ride home, instead making haste to get there as soon as he could. His ride was never quicker, but he was covered in sweat by the time he reached his apartment building. The early afternoon sun had beat down on him, having no mercy on the anxious male.

Kaneki locked up his bike, launching himself up the stairs. He fumbled with his keys, pushing open the door with a little too much force. Touka was on her laptop, a glass of lemonade on the table beside her. "Jesus," she said. "You sure made enough noise to wake the dead."

"Can we talk?" Kaneki asked, ignoring her jibe. He set his helmet on the table, trying to avoid her prying eyes.

"So you've made up your mind. Good. Alright. But first--go change and clean up or something. You look like you stink."

Kaneki nodded. He hurried to his room and grabbed a change of clothes and then took the fastest shower of his life. Coming out into the living room, he saw that Touka had gone out onto the balcony. Sitting with her legs crossed under her, she was sipping away at her lemonade. She looked calm. But Kaneki knew that could mean anything. She was an expert at pulling herself together. He joined her out there, and saw that she had grabbed a beer for him.

He sat heavily in one of the chairs, and nodded his thanks for the beer, not quite meeting her eyes. Despite his rush to get here in the first place, a slight panic had now taken hold of him at the thought of talking this over with his friend. And seeing anger or judgment in her eyes. He took a gulp of the ice cold beer, and then brought one leg up on the chair, wrapping his arms around it.

Touka broke the silence. "Kaneki," she began, quietly. "Talk to me."

He still couldn't meet her eyes, but instead looked straight out at the view that the balcony provided. It faced the street, but they were a couple floors up, so he couldn't see the pedestrians. Instead, he saw the building across the street, a few others on their own balconies reading or sunbathing. Patchy clouds began to gather in the sky, and Kaneki wondered vaguely if it was going to rain.

Touka sighed beside him. "Look. I don't expect you to tell me . . . all the things that happened between the two of you. Just why you seem to think it's important I contact my brother. No need to go into detail about everything in the past."

He looked over at her finally. Maybe this would be a test for how he would be able to handle things with Dr. Itori when he told her about Ayato. He trusted Touka absolutely with anything. Right up there with Hide. If he was honest with himself, he was a little afraid she would hate him for this, think he was responsible or wonder why he hadn't told her in the first place about it. But he knew in his heart of hearts he needed to be honest with her.

"I think you should contact him because . . . because . . ." Kaneki looked over at Touka, and she was staring back at him, her blue hair moving gently in the breeze. "I think he might be in some sort of--" here he sighed and closed his eyes. "--legal trouble."

"Explain." Kaneki opened his eyes to see that her expression hadn't changed. She was still calmly regarding him. He couldn't hold her gaze.

"In September," he began, haltingly, looking back out at the sky, "the news began showing reports of a number of break-ins downtown. Near Anteiku and the surrounding area. Do you remember?"

"Yes."

"Well. Aya--your brother--um. He started to work late shifts a lot. And one day I went to visit him at work--" and Kaneki's voice got lower, "and he wasn't there. He was supposed to be, though." The brunet took a drink of his beer, and then stared at the bottle in his hands. "I found a mask in his coat. I didn't want to believe it. So I followed him the next day."

He couldn't help it. Tears pooled in his eyes and escaped, tracing down his cheeks. "He--he had Hinami there, too. She was part of it, and---and, I tried to catch up to them. But they were too far away--" Suddenly the words were spilling out faster as he remembered all of the terrible memories of that night, too long kept locked inside of his brain.

"I called them and they didn't answer. I waited at Hinami's school and she told me everything, and it broke me Touka. I couldn't--I couldn't be with him after that. He knew, he knew I took care of my family. And he did that anways. Anything could have happened to her. . . "

Beside him, Touka looked away, exhaling loudly. Whether she was angry with him or not, he didn't know. They didn't speak for a while.

"And now?" Touka finally asked, her voice hard.

Kaneki's heart sank. He was really going to miss his friend . . . "There was something on the news. I was worried--I was thinking it was related to that group. . . "

"I see." Touka finally looked over at him, and the brunet couldn't get a read on her.

"Will you contact him?" Kaneki spoke softly, hopefully. He couldn't live, not knowing.

Touka studied him before answering. "You still love him, don't you?"

Kaneki's heart fluttered, and he clenched his eyes shut to push those thoughts away. He _couldn't do this_. Kaneki heard Touka stir beside him, and then her cool palm was on top of one of his, squeezing gently. Comfortingly. "Forget it. I shouldnt've asked."

"I'm sorry, Touka," he finally whispered, a few more tears escaping.

"For what?" Her palm remained on top of his. "How is any of this your doing?"

He shook his head, looking around helplessly. "I should have done something, or told you, or I don't know. What if he's in trouble now? And I could have prevented it?"

"He's not in trouble," Touka said steadily.

"What?" Kaneki's eyes swam with tears as he regarded her, and he wiped at his eyes with the back of his fist.

"I called him after we spoke today. Under the pretense of wanting to know if he was planning on attending the wedding. But he's not in trouble." And that seemed all that she was going to say on the subject of her brother. Maybe for multiple reasons. Maybe so as to not hurt Kaneki further with information about him. Maybe because she was still mad at her brother. Or maybe because he wasn't part of the masked burglaries anymore, so there was no further need to discuss him. He would just have to trust Touka's judgment on the subject.

"Oh. Okay." He pulled both of his legs up to his chest now, and Touka removed her hand. "Why then did you want me to tell you all of this?"

"Well, part of it was despite how much my brother has fucked up with everything, I wanted to hear why you wanted to know about him. If there was something I needed to worry about. Though I knew part of this, already. And part of it was that I see you've gotten better in the last few weeks. You're stronger now, though maybe you don't see it. I thought putting you on the spot, making you talk about it would help. If you weren't ready, you wouldn't have been able to tell me. You didn't even freeze up. I'm--I'm very proud of you, Kaneki." She said this last very softly, and then was quiet.

Kaneki took a drink of his beer, letting the cool liquid slide down his throat as he thought. Maybe he had come a long way since September, since December. But he still had a ways to go. "Touka," he began. "He's your brother."

"I know that," she said flatly.

"Then why can't you . . . why don't you . . . he should be in your life."

She sighed. "Kaneki, look. I _have_ to love Ayato because he's my brother. But I don't have to like him. I don't have to have him in my life. And you know what? I don't want him to be. And I'm just fine with that. With Hide, and you, I _choose_ to love you. And I love the people that you are."

Kaneki started to speak, but Touka cut him off. "I look at you and see what a wonderful brother you are. You take care of your mom and sister. You would do anything for those that you love. Hell, you're even trying to make sure my asshole brother is okay even though he stomped on your heart. And--and that'll never be Ayato. He will never grow up and wake the hell up. And I've tried with him, I really have. But it's no use. He's not going to change, and I'm not going to put up with his shit." She eyed him steadily. "And I know what you're thinking. You have some sort of, I don't know, misguided notion that it's your fault that he and I don't talk anymore. Well listen up, Kaneki. I'll punch you if you keep thinking that way after today. Because that's not how it is. He and I--I'll just say that we have never really gotten along, and probably never will."

Kaneki nodded, but he was not altogether convinced, some residual guilt still lining his heart. He remembered Ayato telling him once that Touka was a hardass, but it was only because she cared so much about others, and he was certain that her brother was high up on the list of people Touka cared about. Maybe she had seen how devastating it could be to fight with Ayato and continue to care and worry about him when they didn't talk to or see each other for extended periods of time. That one of the people she loved the most in the world had also hurt her the most. Kaneki understood why she would want to hold him at arm's length. Ayato had done the same thing with their father, at one time. The brunet looked over at his friend now, fully believing what he had concluded, adding in his own observations and experiences with his friend from over the years he had known her. Beside him, Touka took a slow sip of her lemonade, and then spoke again.

"You did the right thing, you know," she said casually. "What my brother did--getting Hinami involved with that burglary shit--I would've ripped him apart if that had been me." Kaneki looked at her, and he saw a bit of sadness in her eyes, but it was well managed. "Contacting him today--I did that for you, not for Ayato. But Kaneki, if he gets himself into trouble, it's his fault. He's an adult. So please tell me you're not thinking about getting back together with him." Her voice took on an edge again near the end.

He hadn't even imagined it. And he wouldn't let himself. "I'm not."

"Good."

A few minutes of silence passed between them, and they enjoyed the breeze, the passing of the afternoon around them. It had been some time since he and Touka had spent time together like this, and he realized just how much he had missed out on over the last few months. And that perhaps he had been silly to think she wouldn't want to be his friend after she had heard what he had to say. Honestly, she was too good to him. Hide, too. He let his thoughts wander, and he realized that he had one more question for his friend.

"Touka?"

"Hmm?"

"Is he--coming to the wedding?" He didn't look at her as he spoke, drinking the last of the beer in the bottle.

"Most likely not."

Kaneki felt strange at hearing her answer. Certainly, part of it was relief. A great part of it. He wanted to know, to prepare himself ahead of time in case Ayato would make an appearance. But another part was something akin to regret. He didn't want to explore that feeling, though.

And it was there on the balcony that Hide found them some time later, loosening his tie as he stepped out on the balcony. His blond hair was getting long, in need of a cut. He kissed Touka lightly, and then glanced at his friend. "Everything okay, Kaneki?"

"Yup."

Hide looked at him doubtfully, but then Touka spoke up. "We were talking about your bachelor party. I told him no strippers."

Hide pretended to be disappointed. "Awww," he snapped his fingers. "Damn."

"Well," Kaneki smiled mischievously, rallying his emotions for his friend. "You didn't say anything about _male_ strippers." Touka grinned at him, and Hide gulped. He then turned a bright red, even his ears on fire.

"Very true." Touka tapped her chin playfully.

"Hey now," Hide protested, spluttering. "C'mon . . ."

 

* * *

 

Kaneki Ken was hit by a car Friday after work.

It started like this:

Banjou had remained behind for a few extra minutes to "yell" at the trio of siblings. Apparently adding in an extra zero on a financial document had extremely adverse effects in the accounting world. So Kaneki had left ahead of him, earbuds in place, tuned in to his music. He unlocked his bike, getting himself situated on the seat. So he didn't hear the angry voices coming from the Jag near him. He started pedaling, and then a new song came on. Was that . . . Sugar Ray? "Fly"? Oh god, Hide had gotten ahold of his iTunes account again . . .

And then the car was backing into him. Kaneki had been glaring at the display on his phone, and then saw the car as in slow motion. There was no way he could get out of the way in time. He tried, anyways, survival instincts kicking in. His heart in his throat, Kaneki threw his body to the side, off of his bike. It made a crunching noise as it went under the tires of the car, and then there was a screech as the driver hurriedly applied the brakes.

Breathing hard, his hip sore from hitting pavement, Kaneki watched with wide eyes as two people hurriedly got out of the blue Jag in front of him. His earbuds had come detached during his jump, and now dangled across his chest. Mark McGrath singing the absurdly fitting lyrics of " _I just wanna fly"_ faintly filtered up and into Kaneki's ears. He somewhat registered the irony of it. But. Then his mouth opened in surprise, recognizing Shuu as the driver that came walking toward him.

"I am so sorry--" Shuu started to apologize and then upon seeing Kaneki, stopped talking, blue gem-like eyes wide. Slowly, seemingly without thinking about it, he knelt in front of the brunet, surely soiling his expensive-looking pants. His hair was now dyed a soothing shade of lavender. Kaneki could only stare for a minute, forgetting about his bicycle, the pain in his hip, his embarrassment at being hit by a car in the first place. The music coming from his earbuds was the only noise in the parking garage. He couldn't really manage a coherent thought because Shuu was looking at him . . . without restraint? Usually, Kaneki would see him talking to someone else, and Shuu would be animated during the conversation. Performing. Musical voice slightly raised in high amusement. But now, he was just unguarded. Stunning in his beauty, but not trying to convey a certain feeling with the way he looked or acted. Kaneki felt his admiration for the male evolve. Was there more underneath the surface?

"Who in the hell are you? Do you always jump behind moving vehicles?" The harsh voice of Shuu's companion had Kaneki looking over to the passenger side of the car. An individual had a hand braced against the vehicle, a scowl on their face. They were dressed in a violet button down shirt, a black vest on top, slim legs encased in black cigarette pants. In his brief glance at this unknown person's face, Kaneki saw a resemblance between them and Shuu. And it wasn't just the complementing shades of purple for their hair--for this harsh-sounding speaker had short violet hair, combed and styled so that a lot of it fell to the right side of their face. It was something about their facial structure . . . their eyes. Though Kaneki had never seen animosity on Shuu's face, while it seemed to be an easy expression for his companion.

"Kanae." Shuu said quietly, almost warningly, looking down and to the side, finally breaking off his gaze of Kaneki. Kanae huffed, eyes narrowed at Kaneki. But Shuu was moving on.

"Kaneki, my sincerest apologies. Are you alright? I seem to have mangled your bicycle--" here Kanae made an indiscriminate noise under their breath, "with my car--"

"You-- _you_ are S. Tsukiyama?" Kaneki asked, feeling a sinking in his stomach. He didn't understand his reaction to this news. Perhaps it was the thought that he would have to apologize to this man for walking in on him and Nishio. Yeah. That had to be it.

Shuu frowned. "Well, yes--" He set his hands upon his thighs lightly.

"Look, I'm fine. You didn't hit me, just my bike. I'll just take the bus home, or something." Kaneki stood, retrieving his bag. "See ya." He felt the urge to get out of there, and quickly.

"Wait!" Kaneki turned to see that Shuu had stood, and taken a step toward him. "I can give you a ride home." The brunet could see that Kanae had their hands now on slim hips, a disbelieving glare sent towards Shuu.

"Hey, no, that's not necessary." Kaneki waved two hands in front of him. "I'm good, thanks." He looked doubtfully down at his bicycle, the back of it still being crushed underneath tires. "Maybe it's not as bad as it looks. Can you pull forward so I can take a took at the damage?"

Shuu moved his car off of the bicycle, and Kaneki grimaced at the wreckage. It had been a great purchase. He would have to scour the internet this weekend for a similar bike. He bent awkwardly, a hand bracing his sore hip, and propped the bicycle up. Trying to move it forward, he nodded his thanks over his shoulder. He would just have to throw it in a dumpster on the way home somewhere.

"Kaneki." And Shuu was there beside him, one hand on bent handlebars, the other near Kaneki's on the seat. The brunet gazed wide-eyed at Shuu, wondering why the son of the head of such a large company would pay him any special attention. "I insist on giving you a ride home. Please. This is my fault. I--It wouldn't sit well with me if I wasn't able to do just this much." The model male spoke earnestly, his eyes focused and clear. Strangely, Kaneki believed him. Something about his voice, his subdued mannerisms. Shuu wasn't performing here. Kaneki finally nodded, giving in.

Shuu wheeled his bike back over to the bike rack, leaning it unceremoniously against the metal while Kanae looked on in shock at this new development. "Kanae. Make sure Mairo takes care of that." Kaneki limped slightly toward the car, surprised when Shuu opened the door for him. This time Kanae glared angrily at what they must perceive as a service below Shuu's station.

Kaneki held himself stiffly in the backseat, not at all used to the luxury of this type of vehicle. The car still even smelled new, with the hint of a cologne that he had smelled the first time he met Shuu. His mind was still reeling from the knowledge that Shuu was _Tsukiyama Shuu_ , the son of the head of the company. Good god. He decided that maybe it would be best for him to keep his distance from Shuu from now on. Despite how very attractive he was, the model seemed to be a very complicated sort of person. One day he's smirking, one day he's in the breakroom eating a donut and being gaudy, one day he's having sex in his manager's office. And today, for some reason--maybe due to lack of an audience--he was . . . different? At Shuu's inquiry, he provided his address so that the model could plug it into his GPS, and then they were off.

The beginning of the drive was quiet. Kaneki looked out of the window at the passing cars, grateful for the lack of traffiic at this hour. The sooner he got through this drive, the better. But he should have known somehow that it wouldn't be that easy.

"So, um, Kaneki was it?" Kanae began bitingly. "Why exactly do you ride a bicycle to work? Surely your salary is such that purchasing a car would be within your budget."

Kaneki roused himself, blinking a few times. He opened his mouth to answer the question, but Shuu interrupted. "I apologize again, Kaneki. My dear cousin Kanae is being quite rude. He obviously missed out on some of the vital lessons of common courtesy."

At this, Kanae looked hurt and his cheeks reddened. Without another word, he stared out the window as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

"I ride a bicycle because it's practical," Kaneki answered, despite Shuu's out. "I'm never stuck in traffic. I don't have to make small talk with strangers on the bus or subway. I can go at my pace. And it's a great way to clear my mind before and after work." He saw Shuu's gem-like eyes meet his in the rear-view mirror, lavender hair falling across his forehead, but then Kaneki looked away. There were so many reasons not to look at him.

Kanae made a hmphing noise, but nothing else. As they pulled up outside of Kaneki's apartment, Kanae spoke up again as he saw the old building in the art district of the city. "You live here?" And there was a note of judgment to it. Kaneki had had enough. He didn't care if Kanae was part of the Tsukiyama family. He saw Shuu open his mouth but he was going to handle it.

"Yes, I live here," he said testily. "With my friends. We're quite happy, actually." He opened the car door and stepped out onto the sidewalk. Then, with a mischievious grin, "I hear the rats only frequent the first level apartments. Thanks for the ride." He shut the door with a little more force than necessary, and then walked briskly into his apartment building, not looking back.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was incredibly hard for me to write and edit. I have figured out that I suck at getting through the middles of stories. I always have a clear idea of the beginning and end. But that writing the events of the middle kind of throws me for a loop. 
> 
> With that being said, I don't like how I wrote this chapter. Maybe I just let myself get overwhelmed. I don't know. The events are consistent with where I'm taking the story, but the flow just seems jagged to me. But either way, thank you for being so patient with me while I wrote this. And I will most definitely try to get another chapter up sooner rather than later.

Kaneki and Dr. Itori sipped casually at their drinks as they walked towards a nearby neighborhood park. Kaneki had chosen iced unsweetened black tea while his therapist had opted for some fresh squeezed lemonade. The park they were heading towards featured a jogging path lined with various benches and playgrounds. Trees had long branches overhead full of a canopy of bright, green leaves. They sat down on a shaded bench, Kaneki feeling calm throughout the beginning of their appointment. And he continued to feel that way as his gaze traveled around the area of the park within his line of sight. A few joggers passed them as they sat, plenty of people walking their dogs absorbed in their phones. In the middle of the park, a large body of water had water lilies floating atop of it, the bright sun reflecting off of the surface.

The brunet had been telling his therapist about the beginning of his experience with the social mixer the previous weekend. He had continued with how he had felt apprehensive about revealing so much about his personal life, and then with a slight hesitation, he told her about how Uta had saved him from the uncomfortable conversation.

"Oh, so Uta was there?" she asked, her own gaze on a couple of rollerbladers as they skated by on the path.

"Yeah." Kaneki grew quiet, and Dr. Itori's gaze flickered over to her patient.

"How did the rest of the night go?" she asked carefully, crossing her legs and looking back out at the park. She was wearing another sun hat. This one was smaller than the other, but just as floppy.

Kaneki sighed softly. "Well . . . " he began slowly, "we hung out for a bit there. And then we kind of left together." He shoved down the apprehension he had begun to feel, and looked sideways at his therapist. "We went back to his house. And . . . I could feel that things would probably lead to more. So I stopped it. We talked for a bit, and then I left."

Dr. Itori's eyebrows rose. "How did you feel? How did you leave things with Uta?"

So Kaneki told her about his realization--that he was Kaneki that night with Uta. Not someone with a fake name or false backstory. And how it had been scary, and that he didn't want to do that to someone that he had come to appreciate. Someone who ended up being a friend. Dr. Itori listened to all that Kaneki had to say, sipping slowly at her lemonade, the hem of her sundress flapping in the breeze.

"Kaneki," she said finally when he had stopped talking. "That is remarkable. Truly. You had been in danger of regressing back into your former habit, but you yourself realized what you were doing and stopped. You didn't have a friend there telling you to reconsider. You are showing tremendous growth. It is admirable."

The brunet considered her words. "Thanks." It was hard to accept what she said. He met her gaze directly, brows furrowing. "There was something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"Yes?"

For the first time since they broke up, Kaneki was able to talk to someone else about Kirishima Ayato without hesitation. A lot of it had to do with Dr. Itori's calming presence and the environment in which they held their appointment. It didn't feel contrived or formal. When he had spoken to Touka about Ayato, it had been him dancing around the edges of what had happened. There hadn't been talk about what Ayato had meant to him, or the dreams he continued to have regularly of the indigo-eyed male. With Dr. Itori, Kaneki began at the beginning. How he had come to know Ayato through Touka when he was a teenager. And how they had met again by chance after he had finished a shift at Anteiku one day.

At times he spoke haltingly, recalling a long buried memory that had made him so happy at the time. Such as when he and Ayato had made Thanksgiving dinner for Hide and Touka at Ayato's apartment that first year that they had been together. How the turkey had come out dry as a desert, the green bean casserole a little too crispy on top. But how it hadn't mattered to them because _they had been together, and so much in love._ Touka had hemmed and hawed at the quality of the turkey, pouring a generous amount of gravy on top of her plate. But Ayato and Kaneki hadn't been able to keep their eyes off of each other for too long . . .

There were some tears as Kaneki returned to his narrative, sticking to the main parts of how he and Ayato had gotten together, the length of time of their relationship, and then what had ended it. He told Dr. Itori about how Ayato had gotten his sister involved in some illegal activity, and how Kaneki had gotten her out of it, all without providing specifics. His therapist listened to all of it, her face unchanged. She had turned to him, at some point, her elbow on the back of the bench and her warm eyes absorbing all that he had to say.

When he had finished, she was silent for some time, considering. She laid her hand on top of his for a brief moment, giving it a slight squeeze.

"Kaneki. I think that's a good stopping point for today," she said quietly. Kaneki glanced up at her, his brown eyes still watery with the remains of his tears. "I want to say, though, that what you have just told me today . . . I am amazed, once again, at your strength. That was not an easy thing to talk about. Thank you for trusting me enough to share it with me."

The brunet nodded and took a deep breath, gaining control of his emotions again. They began walking back towards Dr. Itori's house, tossing away their empty cups along the way. Kaneki found himself feeling lighter, less burdened than he had in a very long time. He had known that Hide and Touka would always be there for him to talk to about what was on his mind. But there was something in him that just couldn't mention to his friends that which was closest to his heart and which had hurt him the most. His figurative wound was healing again. It was an ugly wound, sore and sloppily stitched together. But it was healing all the same.

The two of them were standing outside of Dr. Itori's house, on the sidewalk that led up to her front door. "Any homework this time?" Kaneki asked, with a determined set to his shoulders. He was finding himself eager to get through whatever his therapist assigned for him to do.

"You know me so well," Dr. Itori said with a bright smile. "And yes. I have homework for you."

Kaneki waited for his therapist's instructions, noticing that she now had a serious expression on her face. "I would like you to think about what you told me today," she began firmly. "About your history with Ayato, your feelings from the past. And I would like you to compare them to what you feel today. Not in terms of any romantic interest necessarily. More of . . . are you still angry? Have you moved past that? Where do you stand?"

Kaneki opened his mouth to speak, to say what, he knew not. He didn't get a chance for any stilted words to come pouring out of his mouth because Dr. Itori laid a hand on his shoulder. "Think about it. I'll see you in two weeks."

 

* * *

 

Monday morning rolled around too quickly. Kaneki lied back on his bed for a few minutes, eyes on the ceiling. He just wanted to go back to sleep.  He briefly contemplated burying himself under his comforter and pillow for the rest of the day.  But with a sigh, he forced himself to get up, and then went through the motions of getting ready for work. He had planned out his route to work ahead of time.   It would take more time than he was used to by having to rely upon public transportation. Hide was already ready by the time Kaneki was finished, and his best friend was chatting with Touka in their kitchen, each with a mug in front of them. Kaneki joined them, breathing in the heavenly scent of coffee in their apartment. He was planning on taking a similar route to work as Hide, and they were going to leave at the same time.

"I think I'm gonna do it," Touka was saying as Kaneki started rummaging around in the refrigerator for the milk.

"Do what?" Kaneki inquired, pouring some coffee for himself into his travel mug.

"Apply for the loan," Touka said determinedly, excitedly.

"Yeah? That's great, Touka!" Kaneki's face lit up in a warm smile, proud of his friend. She had taken some business classes during college, and had continued to work at the hair salon that whole time, on top of her work at Anteiku. Lately she had shared with Hide and Kaneki her desire to open up her own business, a hair salon of her own. She would be the owner and a stylist. Kaneki personally thought the role fit her perfectly. Touka was a master at directing people to do what they needed to do, firm with criticism when it was needed. And she was wonderful at hair, always cutting and coloring her own. Kaneki could personally vouch for her skills.

"Maybe we can celebrate this weekend, yeah?" Hide asked, planting a kiss on the top of Touka's hair. "To your new business and to your birthday."

"Yeah, let's do that." Kaneki said as he added some milk to his coffee.

"Why don't you invite that friend of yours from work?" Touka asked. "He sounds like a riot."

Kaneki had told both Hide and Touka about Banjou. How he could sometimes descend into fits of melancholy but then he would delve into a pack of cookies or something similar and then all would be right. He had also told them about Banjou being the nicest person he had met at Tsukiyama Group, and how other people might develop a first impression of the giant as intimidating, but that he was exactly the opposite once you got to know him.

"Maybe," Kaneki said with a smile. "He'd like that. I promised him I would help him out with the whole lady situation. Maybe there'll be one at the restaurant this weekend that he would like."

Both Kaneki and Hide got up to leave a minute after, with the blond leading the way to the door.

"What's this?" Hide was bending over in front of their door, and Kaneki saw that he had something in his hand. And then his best friend handed over a small, thick envelope. It had his name written on the front in an elegant script. Curious, Kaneki opened it up.

_Dear Kaneki Ken,_  
_I must apologize again for the unfortunate accident on Friday afternoon. I am deeply sorry for crushing your bike and putting you in harm's way. To make up for my carelessness, I have provided you with a substitute bicycle. I know it cannot replace the one I damaged beyond repair, but I hope that you will find it adequate to the task of commuting to work._

_Yours Truly,_  
_Tsukiyama Shuu_

_PS--The combination on the lock is 0303._

The note was signed with a flourish, impossible to try and forge that one-of-a-kind signature. Touka and Hide had come to read over Kaneki's shoulder, and now they looked at him blankly.

"Ok, what the hell happened, Kaneki?" Touka asked harshly. He hadn't told either of his friends exactly what had happened. Just that his bicycle was of no further use. Part of it had to do with the fact that he didn't like to make a fuss out of things involving himself. Another was that he knew how protective Touka was of both him and Hide, and probably would've found a way to punch Shuu's face. But his friends had believed him when he had mentioned that his bike was out of commission, both of them knowing that he had spent all of $20 on it originally, and had seen it was not in its prime condition.

"Uh . . ." Kaneki looked around sheepishly. "It's kind of a long story." Touka opened her mouth to say more, but Kaneki was opening the front door. The three of them walked out onto the landing, and there in front of them was a magnificent matte-black bicycle, brand new and locked to the railing of the stairs.

"Oh my god . . ." Hide's eyes were wide. He pointed to the brand name on the bicycle. "That's a Trek bike. Do you . . . do you have any idea how much those cost?"

No, Kaneki didn't know, actually. But a quick internet search on his phone told him exactly how much money was spent on it. Hide's mouth was gaping at the price. "Two thousand dollars," he mouthed silently.

"What's going on here, Kaneki?" Touka asked, eyes narrowed. "Some guy hit you with his car and now he's trying to buy you off with a bike? _Are you hurt?_ "

"No." The brunet was steaming mad, however. _He didn't need anyone's help._ He didn't want this overly expensive bicyle. Didn't want to have to be beholden to anybody, especially someone he barely knew and didn't particularly like. _I can take care of myself._

With that thought fueling his indignation, Kaneki returned to his bedroom and retrieved his helmet. Returning back to the front door, he saw that both Hide and Touka were looking at each other in confusion, communicating without words. They were entirely too good at that. With a huff, he strode past them and unlocked the bicycle, 0-3-0-3. Honestly, what kind of combination was that? He tucked the lock in his messenger bag and turned to his friends.

"I'll see you guys later," he said, the flames of self-righteousness furling higher within him.

"See ya," they murmured from behind him, and then he was off.

Right off the bat, Kaneki could tell that this new bicycle was amazing. He seemed to glide as he rode, and pedaling was effortless. Being somewhat earlier than usual, he took a somewhat longer ride to work.  He wanted to try out the speed of the bike, see what it was capable of. And it rode like a dream. The hair sticking out of his helmet fluttered around his head, and he found himself smiling despite himself.

Soon enough, though, he had arrived at work. He frowned as he locked up the new bicyle, his eyes on the dark blue Jag already in the parking garage. Tsukiyama Shuu. How dare he presume he needed any of his help? How dare he give Kaneki this utterly glorious bike that felt like he was floating on air . . .

With a determined and slightly angry air about the way he walked, Kaneki made his way up to his office. Banjou wasn't in yet, but the brunet eyed the phone on his desk. He could call Mado Akira, get the information he needed. He didn't hesitate. Setting his bag and helmet down, he hastily dialed 1009.

"Hello, this is Akira," came a pleasant voice over the line.

"Ms. Mado?" Kaneki remembered that she had told him he could call her 'Akira,' but they hadn't spoken since his first day at work, and he felt awkward using the name now. "This is Kaneki Ken. I was wondering if you could help me with something."

"Oh, Kaneki. Hello! I'm glad to hear from you. And yes, I will try to help if I can. What can I do for you?"

He let out a slow breath before speaking. "Do you know which floor Tsukiyama Shuu works on? Where his office is? I need to speak with him."

There was a silence on the other end. No sound of typing at a keyboard, no chatter in the background. After a moment, Kaneki felt it was necessary he speak. "Ms. Mado?"

"Kaneki," Akira began, her voice low and sounding concerned, "Did he do something to upset you? I know sometimes he tends to rub people the wrong way . . ."

 _Huh. Interesting._ But if Kaneki started to tell her exactly what had happened, starting with Shuu hitting him with his car, that would be an HR nightmare. And really, all he wanted to do right now was give Shuu a piece of his mind.

"Oh, Ms. Mado, it was nothing like that. I just . . . have to thank him. Yes." Kaneki struggled for words, not being skilled at lying. "He gave me a gift, and I just wanted to give him my thanks in person."

"Well then." Akira sounded taken aback. "He is on the 16th floor. Second to last office on the right. His secretary is named Matsumae, she will let Shuu know you wish to see him."

"Thanks, Ms. Mado, I really appreciate it."

Once in the elevator, Kaneki speared at the button for the 16th floor. He felt the simmerings of anger in his stomach, in his veins, begin to work up to a rolling boil. He exhaled sharply as he considered the _audacity_ of Shuu to think that just because he hit Kaneki with his car, that he was in a low enough financial situation that he would need the man's help with obtaining a new bicycle.

Kaneki Ken had long prided himself on taking care of his family to the best of his abilities. To other people, it might seem absurd the lengths he went to in order to make sure that they were well taken care of. As soon as he was old enough, he had gotten a job as a busboy in a restaurant while in high school. He gave every cent of those paychecks to his mother, not resentful in the slightest. It was simple, really. His family needed money and he was capable of helping out. After his and Hinami's father left them--even before Hinami was born--their family had been poor. Their mother had had a stable job when he was a child, but when she had been laid off, their income had decreased heavily. He and Hinami never had brand name anything growing up. There was never an abundance of gifts for their birthday or Christmas. Kaneki would watch day in and day out how hard his mother worked at her multiple jobs. When he was old enough, he was the one watching his sister, making her dinner, making sure her homework was done.

The restaurant that he worked at while in high school was owned by Hide's uncle or cousin or something like that. They were kind enough to let Kaneki bring Hinami along while he worked, and she would sit patiently at a booth in the restaurant, working on her schoolwork. The servers and kitchen staff would provide dinner for Hinami, telling Kaneki "Oh, the customer that ordered it didn't want mayonnaise on their sandwich" or "the guy wanted steak, not chicken," and that they would have to throw these meals in the trash, which would be a waste. The brunet hadn't been completely fooled--he had seen how occasionally the meal provided was one of Hinami's favorites. But the staff doted on his sister, and the servers often checked up on her too, making sure she had finished her homework before starting in on a coloring book.

So when Ayato had chosen to get Hinami involved in his criminal activity business, it had been a double blow to Kaneki. Obviously, he had been incredibly hurt that Ayato had lied to him and was involved in something so seemingly out of character for him. Yet those issues could have been remedied, in time. But when it came to Hinami--that Ayato could have gotten her involved in something so heinous, putting her in harm's way--it was inconceivable for Kaneki to let that slide. He was fiercely protective of his sister, making sure she always had what she needed. Was safe. Was happy. So why would Ayato do such a thing?

These thoughts swirled in Kaneki's head as the elevator continued its ascent up to the 16th floor. He didn't need Shuu's help. He didn't need anyone's help. He took care of himself, and didn't need some gaudy, rich, fed-with-a-silver-spoon asshole thinking otherwise.

The elevator doors opened up on the top floor, and Kaneki's eyes widened, his resentment briefly forgotten. Like other floors in the building, the 16th floor was decorated in a contemporary style, white walls and black floors. _Marble?_ Kaneki wondered. He stepped out of the elevator, and saw that the top floor gave off a feeling of coldness. It was cleanly furnished with well-placed black wooden furniture and various sculptures atop of tables. But there was no personality behind it, no candy dishes or laughter leaking out of offices. Windows lined the exterior of the floor, but even up here, the sunlight slanting in was not enough provide much of a feeling of warmth.

After taking a moment to look around, Kaneki turned to the right, remembering Akira's information on where Shuu's office was. There didn't seem to be a lot of people around, but perhaps it was because this floor housed less offices, reserved for those executive-level employees of Tsukiyama Group. The three offices he passed so far on the right had glass walls and a secretary seated at a desk, working. Behind them was the door to another office, the wall white and the door a rich, ebony color. Presumably the person working in it was someone like Nishio's boss's boss.

Kaneki reached the second to last office on the right, and pulled open the glass door. Before him was a young woman sitting at a desk, short black hair cut to chin-length and combed neatly. She looked up briefly as Kaneki walked in, and he saw a slight furrowing of her brows before she returned to whatever she was typing on her computer.

"Can I help you?" she asked without any particular inflection behind it.

Kaneki's eyes flickered to the door behind the woman, slightly to the left. The name on it read "Tsukiyama Shuu." He turned back to the secretary, his resentment beginning to course through him again.

"Yes. I would like to speak with Shuu."

He had Matsumae's full attention now. Her fingers had paused over the keyboard, and now an icy gaze examined Kaneki's face.

"What business do you have with Mr. Tsukiyama? You do not have an appointment."

Kaneki was not going to be swayed by her manner or the coldness of her tone. He wondered if he was just one of many people Akira had spoken of that were "rubbed the wrong way" by Shuu. He forced a modicum of politeness into his voice, and clasped his hands behind his back. Matsumae was clearly not going to do him any favors, especially if he was rude.

"Shu--ah, Mr. Tsukiyama paid me a kindness and I would like to thank him for it." The words tasted bitter on his tongue as he spoke them, but he was relieved to see the iciness leave Matsumae's face in favor of amused speculation.

"He is a very busy man," she said, almost teasingly, dark eyes now scanning over his face, his hair, and then taking in his form. Kaneki was a little unnerved by the way she looked at him, as she clearly came to some sort of conclusion by the way a sarcastic smile appeared on her face.

"I'm sure he won't mind taking a few minutes out of his _busy day_ to speak with me," Kaneki said loftily.

"That a fact?" Matsumae leaned back in her chair, arms crossed over her chest. "And why is that?" Her eyes narrowed in what looked like amusement. She was toying with him. Well, two can play that game, Kaneki thought.

"Because he hit me with his car on Friday."

Matsumae sat up abruptly, all traces of humor gone. She scanned his face, trying to pick up on the angle he was taking. "If you are thinking you can _blackmail Mr. Tsukiyama_ , you have come to the wrong place--"

"That isn't what this is, I assure you." Kaneki said firmly. "I just need a minute of his time."

Matsumae considered his words and then finally reached for her phone. "Name?" she asked.

"Kaneki Ken."

"Well, Mr. Kaneki. Please have a seat. I'll let Mr. Tsukiyama know that you are here."

Kaneki walked over to the front of the office and took a seat on a black leather sofa. He gazed about the room, hearing Matsumae murmur something into the telephone but not able to hear her words. Unlike other offices he had peered into on the way to Shuu's, this one was decorated slightly different. Though there was still the bright white walls and black carpet, there were also elegant crystal vases on a few tables, holding vividly colored flowers in full bloom. Works of abstract art graced the walls, and they all seemed to have the same theme to them . . . maybe the same artist?

Kaneki got up to look at the one that caught his eye the most. It featured a rainy road at night, lamposts casting a golden reflection on the avenue. Trees with brightly colored leaves--green, blue, purple, red-- surrounded the lamposts so that you couldn't see past its foliage. And small in detail, two figures were at the far end of the road, and it was hard to make out if they were walking away or towards you. Kaneki walked closer, mesmerized. It was beautiful.

He stared at it, how long he knew not. But he felt himself calming down despite his best efforts to retain his indignation at Shuu. At some point, Kaneki became suddenly aware of a presence at his side, and he swiveled his head quickly to see that it was Shuu himself, gazing at the work of art. Kaneki was going to say something to him, but there was a peaceful aura about the taller man that made the brunet somehow loath to interrupt. There was no performance in the way that Shuu's gem-like eyes roamed over the painting.

After a moment, as if sensing Kaneki's stare, the model and CEO's son turned to look at the brunet. He smiled politely, saying, "It is a beautiful painting, is it not? Are you a fan of Afremov's work?"

Kaneki's mouth opened as if to speak, but he was distracted momentarily by Shuu's effortless beauty and remained silent. Up close, the brunet could see exactly how deep of a blue Shuu's eyes were, the flawless outline of his jaw. His eyebrows were a very light shade of brown, most definitely tamed into their current pleasing shape. His hair, still the same shade of lavender from Friday, seemed soft, and Kaneki wondered idly what it felt like under wandering fingertips.

And then Kaneki realized he hadn't provided a response. His cheeks flushed in embarrassment, and he had to look away from Shuu. "It is. A beautiful painting, that is."

Shuu hmmed, a soft smile on the corners on his mouth. "It is called 'A Farewell to Anger.' An apt title. I think it is my favorite of his works." He gestured with his hand towards his office. "You wished to speak with me?"

Kaneki followed behind Shuu as they walked towards his office, eyes roving over the slimness of his shape. Today he was dressed in less flashly colors--for him. He wore an Italian cut black suit with a white dress shirt. It was very flattering on Shuu, fitting his form snugly. The only pop of color on his clothing was the magenta tie he wore. Kaneki found himself immensely attracted to Shuu, and it aggravated him. _Remember why you're here_ , he told himself.

Shuu shut the door to his office behind the pair of them, and then gestured courteously off to the side where there were a couple of leather chairs and another sofa. Kaneki eyed the room as he walked towards them, noticing again how different the front office and Shuu's were from the rest of the 16th floor. A few paintings decorated the walls again, like the outer office. On the wall nearest the sofa and chairs was a floor to ceiling bookcase, crammed with volumes of books of varying size and width. Kaneki itched to go and check out what Shuu had in his collection, but resisted the urge by convincing himself that it was probably full of business-related texts. Which wasn't at all interesting.

"So, Kaneki, what can I do for you this morning?" Kaneki had taken a seat on the leather sofa, his hands closed lightly into fists as he recalled all that he wanted to say. He looked over at Shuu, who appeared completely relaxed in a matching chair, a curious smile on his face. As if Kaneki hadn't seen him fucking Nishio on his own desk just over a week ago. He pushed that memory out of his head, focusing. Frowning now.

"I am giving you back that bike," he said in a low voice, moving some hair off of his forehead. "I will get one for myself. The one you got for me is locked up in the bike rack, and you apparently know the combination."

Shuu seemed to have a problem understanding why Kaneki would feel this way, a frown of his own disturbing the prettiness of his features. "Why can't I help you? I'm the one that crushed your bike. And hit you with my car."

"I'm not a charity case," Kaneki said, his resentment apparent in the tone of his voice. "I don't need your help."

Shuu tilted his head to the side, regarding Kaneki silently for a moment. Finally, a small but vibrant smile graced his mouth. "Ah. I see."

"You see?"

"Yes." Shuu laced his fingers together, propping his elbows on the armrests of his chair. "You try to do things all on your own. Maybe you're the type. . . that is too proud to ask for help from friends and family, even when you most need it."

Kaneki knew it was true, but he felt anger and indignation rise up to the surface inside of him. Shuu said it like it was a bad thing, like he was amused by this quality of Kaneki. The brunet stood abruptly. "Well. That wouldn't be true in this case, now would it? Seeing as how you are not family and certainly not a friend." He started walking to the door.

Shuu beat him to the door, standing in front of it. He looked down to the ground for a moment, an apologetic look on his face. Finally he met Kaneki's brown eyes squarely.

"I'm sorry, that was rude and presumptuous of me." Kaneki was still simmering with anger, but even he couldn't ignore the genuine note in Shuu's voice. "How about this? You keep the bike until you can find your own replacement for it. And in the meantime, if you happen to decide to keep it, then it's yours."

Kaneki was on the verge of turning down the offer, and Shuu seemed to see it in his face. He continued quickly, "Please allow me to do just this much for you. It was my carelessness, after all, that started it. I just want to settle the issue between us with no inconvenience to you."

"Okay." Kaneki surprised himself by saying it, but it looked like doing so would be the only way he would be able to get out of there. Away from Shuu's beautiful blue eyes, earnest and imploring.

"Wonderful," Shuu breathed. He stepped aside, seeming to be considering something. "Say, Kaneki. Would you want to maybe get a drink sometime? With me?"

The sudden hesitation in Shuu's voice wasn't something Kaneki had ever heard before. He had only seen the male confident, whether or not he was "performing" for someone else. But now, Shuu's eyes were gazing hopefully at Kaneki, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"What about your boyfriend?" It was the first thing Kaneki thought of to say. The image of Shuu with an unbuttoned shirt, framed against the colors of the sunset was foremost in his mind.

"My boyfriend?" Shuu looked confused, and he thought for a few seconds. "Oh. You mean Nishio?" The taller male laughed then, loud and hearty. Kaneki tried to not let the sound of it make him admire Shuu more. The CEO's son needed a minute, but then his mirth finally quieted. "He's not my boyfriend. We had a convenient . . . arrangement."

"Ah," Kaneki nodded knowingly. "Well, my answer is no." It was his answer for a lot of reasons. Shuu was the CEO's son. He was obviously very wealthy, and that kind of weirded Kaneki out. Shuu was so different than him in that regard, would probably never be able to understand the struggles he had faced since he was a child. Also, Kaneki didn't want to date a spoiled executive who had everything he wanted. And though he had seen Shuu twice now when he wasn't trying to put on a show in front of others, it was still a turn off to see him in the midst of being fake.

"No?" Shuu asked, in disbelief. "But--"

Kaneki steeled his resolve, despite his attraction to him. "No." He looked away from Shuu then, not wanting to see the hurt that had leaked all over his face at having been turned down. Perhaps nobody had ever outright rejected him and he had taken a blow to his ego. Kaneki felt bad for a moment, but couldn't bring himself to change his mind. He left then without a glance back at Shuu, observing the measured look Matsumae gave him as he left.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Tuesday, Kaneki arrived to work before Banjou. He was setting his bag down when he noticed it. A small box of chooclates was on his desk, no note or other distinguishing clues hinting at who might have put it there. He picked it up, trying to read what the box said, but it was all in French. He could tell from the packaging, though, what it was. A little confused, he figured someone must have put it there, meaning it to be for someone else. Shrugging, he set the box on Banjou's desk, knowing his friend would enjoy the sweet treat.

Sure enough, it was the first thing Banjou saw when he entered the office some ten or so minutes later. "Kaneki, I meant to ask you yesterday--" he paused as he saw the chocolates. "What are these doing here?" Clearly though, he was excited about them. If he ever decided to stop exercising, the giant's diet of sugar would catch up to him sooner rather than later.

"They were on my desk when I came in," Kaneki said casually. "I don't want them. They're all yours."

"You sure?" Kaneki nodded. "Where did they come from?"

"No idea. Maybe they were meant for Linda." Banjou snorted at that comment. Linda was an older accountant and was one of two people in the next office over. She had gray, frizzy hair, and would often come over unannounced to talk about her cats. On more than one occasion, she had tried to pawn off a kitten to both Kaneki and Banjou.

"Yeah, well either way, these are mine now." The giant opened up the box of sweets right then and there, popping one into his mouth. "MMMM so good! You sure you don't want one?"

"For god's sake, Banjou, it's 8 in the morning!"

On Wednesday morning, there was a box of something called "tartelettes" on his desk. They appeared to be some sort of cookie or tart kind of thing, lemon flavored. Kaneki groaned. _What the hell? Is this some sort of prank?_ Again, like yesterday, he set them on his friend's desk.

"Another treat?" Banjou asked incredulously when he came in. He inspected the box. "And French again?"

"Yup," Kaneki said dismissively.

"What the hell is going on?"

"No clue. But those are all yours." Kaneki watched as his friend opened up the box and popped a tart in his mouth. He was going to protest him eating sweets so early again, but he just shook his head and turned back to his work.

On Thursday, Kaneki got off of the elevator for his floor, walking with a sense of trepidation. Would there be another "surprise" on his desk? Some other French sweet? He slowed as he approached the office. Banjou had arrived before him this time, and he saw his friend's mouth curved up into an amused smirk. _Uh oh_.

Feeling resigned, Kaneki pushed open the door of their office, eyes going immediately to his desk. There were no sweets atop of it, but there was something else.

A bouquet of a dozen, beautiful, perfect, lavender roses.

"Eh, Kaneki!" Banjou looked up with laughter in his voice. "Looks like you have an admirer on your hands."

Kaneki had frozen in the door, but now he moved forward slowly. Warily, he considered the floral arrangement on his desk. He knew who these were from. The gifts on his desk had started the day after he talked to Shuu. And lavender just happened to be the very same color of Shuu's hair. He would have rolled his eyes at the gaudiness of it all if he weren't so exasperated. He had already told Shuu that he didn't want to get a drink with him. So why the hell did he persist in this way?  And then he noticed the note attached to the side of the vase.  In the same elegant script from when he had received the bicycle.  Feeling resigned, he read:

_Kaneki,_

_Are you familiar with the meaning behind lavender roses?_

 

_Yours,_

_Tsukiyama Shuu_

 

The brunet did a quick internet search on the topic at hand, and read, "a sign of enchantment and love at first sight."  Kaneki rolled his eyes.

"I'll be back," Kaneki muttered to Banjou, setting his stuff on his desk and walking away determinedly. He made his way up to the 16th floor, his face fixed into a frown. Tsukiyama Shuu surely had some courage trying to get Kaneki interested in him, even after being turned down. The brunet pushed open the outer glass office door, seeing that Matsumae was again sitting at her desk. She wasn't alone, though. Kaneki recognized Kanae, Shuu's cousin, from the ride home in the Jaguar the other day. He had been chatting with Matsumae as he entered, but both of them looked at Kaneki as he stopped right in front of the desk.

"Is he in?" Kaneki asked shortly.

"What do _you_ want?" Kanae sneered. "Here to try and extort money from Tsukiyama because you stupidly rode your bicycle behind his car?"

Kaneki glared at Kanae, thoroughly out of patience. "What?"

Matsumae looked displeased at what was surely the beginnings of an argument. "Mr. Kaneki, Kanae, please. This is a professional setting. Do not embarrass yourselves or Mr. Tsukiyama with your childish behavior."

Kanae looked thoroughly chastised, and he reluctantly nodded. Kaneki looked from Kanae and Matsumae in some amazement. They both seemed to regard Shuu deferentially, as if his opinion was to be respected above all things. Matsumae's desk phone rang then, and she answered it, a worried expression on her face. "This is Matsumae--" there was a pause. "Yes, Mr. Tsukiyama. I apologize--" here she paused again, and glared at both Kanae and Kaneki.

"Ah--right. Okay, I'll keep that in mind. And sir, you have a visitor. Mr. Kaneki is here to see you." Shuu seemed to have said something on the other end, and then Matsumae was setting down the phone.

Kaneki looked at her in some confusion, wondering what had been said. But then the door to Shuu's office was opened, and the lavender-haired male was looking out, a radiant smile on his face. "Hello Kaneki!" he began, and then noticed his cousin. His smile dimmed a little. "Kanae. I'm still waiting on your report, as you well know. And here you are chatting away with Matsumae. Will you have it to me before lunch?"

Kanae's face flushed with embarrassment, most likely because Shuu had chosen to say this in front of Kaneki. "Yes, you'll have it before lunch, cousin." And then with a last glare at Kaneki, Kanae made his way out of the office.

"I need to talk to you," Kaneki said meaningfully, once the glass door had shut behind Kanae. Shuu smiled brightly again, gesturing in to his office. The brunet saw Matsumae look between the two of them, trying to hide her curiousity but not altogether succeeding.

Once inside and the door closed, Kaneki blurted out, "What are you doing? Why are you leaving stuff on my desk?"

Shuu's face clouded over, and for a horrible moment Kaneki worried that it hadn't been Shuu after all who had left the sweets and flowers on his desk. And that maybe he had just made a supreme fool of himself.

"You . . . didn't like them?" Shuu looked off to the side, putting his hands in his pockets. "I was hoping you would be pleased."

"What do you mean by giving me those things?" Kaneki asked, softening his tone a bit. Shuu looked incredibly vulnerable, and he hated to be the one to hurt anyone's feelings.

"I . . . I have seen the way you've looked at me before. And when you said no for a drink, I tried something else. Thinking perhaps you might respond differently with a new approach."

"Do you even know how to go about expressing your interest in somebody? The right way? Without creeping them out?"

Shuu now was trying really hard not to look at Kaneki. The brunet had a second where he saw the crimson flush on Shuu's cheeks before he turned away. He moved over to the sofa, setting his hands on the back of it. "Not really, I guess."

Kaneki, when he thought about it, wasn't really surprised. Shuu was a gorgeous man, smart, charismatic, rich. He probably had men and women alike falling all over themselves for his attention. A date or sex was most likely never a problem for him. The brunet's anger faded away, and he walked over to Shuu, keeping some distance between the two of them.

"I'm sorry," Shuu said softly, and when he looked up and over at Kaneki, the brunet saw genuine sorrow there. "I don't really know how these things are supposed to work. I thought you might be interested in me, on some level."

Kaneki sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Look. Of course you're gorgeous. You have to know that, right? I'd be a fool not to see that. I just . . . don't really. . . date."

Shuu gazed at him, thinking. "Well, would you want to get coffee this weekend? We wouldn't have to call it a date."

It was tempting for Kaneki. He considered it, eyes roaming around the office. "I can't," he said finally.

"Why not?" Shuu asked, a furrow in his brows.

"Because . . . you're the son of the CEO where I work. You drive a fancy car, you obviously have a lot of money, and we're nothing alike--"

"Wait a minute." Now Shuu looked upset, and he stood up straight. "You know, I thought you might be different, but you're just like everyone else."

"What? What does that mean?" Kaneki met Shuu's turbulent blue eyes directly.  
  
"Everyone that's ever been interested in me wasn't in it for me. They liked my money, how I looked, my car, the Tsukiyama name. Even in grade school--I didn't have friends. The kids in my class flocked around me because of what they could get out of knowing me." Shuu spoke bitterly, and then walked over to his leather chair and sat down. He sighed deeply, and then put his face in his hands. "I don't even have any friends. Can you believe it? You're smart so I'm sure you can. Everyone always wants something from me, wants me to be someone I'm not." He looked up at Kaneki now, face creased in sadness. "And with you, you don't want me because of those reasons. You throw my position back at me, the fact that I have money. As if that defines who I am. You don't see _me_. You don't--" Shuu stopped talking abruptly and looked away. He took a moment to breath out before speaking again, as if collecting his thoughts and calming himself.  "Dammit. I shouldn'tve said any of that. I apologize, it was completely inappropriate of me."

Kaneki was blown away. There was no much more to Shuu than what he had thought. He had dismissed him as just being a rich, extremely good looking man who had everything he could possibly want. He had had no idea that Shuu felt all of this, and there had been no way that Kaneki could have known. He was able to see now the depth of Shuu's character.  Kaneki felt ashamed at having worded his reasoning for turning Shuu down the way that he had. Before he could think it through, his body was moving and he sat down on the leather couch in the seat closest to Shuu's chair, leaning towards him.

"I'm sorry--I didn't mean it that way. Well, maybe I did. I completely misjudged you and that makes me an asshole." Kaneki paused, considering. "Did you ever think that you don't show people who you are?"  
  
Shuu turned back to him, and Kaneki could see that he was determined once more.

"Well . . . would you give me a chance to show you? We could get coffee, and that's all it really has to be, if that's what you want."  
  
Kaneki felt a minute of internal struggle. He wanted to, he really did. From the beginning, he had found himself deeply attracted to Tsukiyama Shuu, even after seeing how he had to act a certain way around other people. And with Shuu revealing to him all that he had just confessed, Kaneki felt his heart go out to him. The lavender-haired male was so much more than a shallow model. And Kaneki wanted to see more of that, find out more about him. Even though the thought of it scared him. Because it would mean he would, in turn, inevitably reveal more about himself to someone else. Someone he was very much attracted to. And he didn't know what that would mean going forward.  
  
So he found himself saying--

"Okay."

Shuu's face lit up, surprised. And Kaneki thought again that maybe this must be the most beautiful person that he had ever seen. "Really?" he asked, his mouth open in shock.

"Yes. . but. . . " Kaneki frowned. Shuu looked worried that there seemed to be a caveat. "But no flowers, or chocolates, or BIKES, okay? Just . . . you."

The smile that graced Shuu's face right then could have lit up a whole city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, let me know what you think! I am anticipating this to be about a 20 chapter length or so. It depends. But not 19. Because I hate prime numbers, lol.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh I'm re-invigorated to write this story. Maybe because I am excited about the next few chapters. Things start to get going again (plot-wise), and then . . . well, you'll see.
> 
> I'm challenging myself to get the next chapter out in less than two weeks. Again, thank you for being patient with me and hope you all stick around until the end. My goal is to post the last chapter by 12/20.

The bar was crowded, groups of people gathered to celebrate the end of another work week with their friends. It was a beautiful summer night, just the right amount of warmth without it being uncomfortable. The patio was open to patrons, and the 90's songs the bar was playing filtered out to the street, inviting in more guests.

Kaneki sipped at his drink, taking in his surroundings. The whole bar scene still left him a little on edge, the memories of who he used to be just a month ago still weighing strong on his mind. He used to come into establishments like this all the time, settling himself at the bar and sipping on a mixed drink languidly until he was inevitably approached by a curious man. It had always been too easy for him.

 _But that's not who I am anymore_ , Kaneki thought fervently to himself. And knew it to be true.

He had been glad when they had settled near a couple tables in the back corner of the bar, leaving enough room so that people were not constantly pushing up against him to get by. It allowed him the opportunity to remain fairly inconspicuous and not on display. Banjou's large body stationed next to him also made things a lot easier. The guy was immoveable, a rock. And nobody in their right mind was going to try and mess with a guy with rippling biceps and towering height. Kaneki watched as Hide laughed at one of Banjou's stories, slapping his thigh, some of his beer slopping out of the side of his glass. His co-worker and friend had immediately been accepted by both Hide and Touka. Though they had been initially wary of him due to his size and the grimace on his face that was actually Banjou's way of dealing with social anxiety, they were won over with his gentle nature and easygoing way of looking at things. That, and he had brought Touka a tiny birthday cake in the shape of a rabbit to their apartment, where they had met before all going out.

"Ah! I love rabbits!" Touka had exclaimed, throwing her arms around Banjou.

"Yes, Kaneki told me that," Banjou admitted sheepishly, looking like he didn't really know how to return her hug. "Happy Birthday." And that had been all it took for them to be friends.

They were indulging in a few drinks while waiting for a few more people to show up before heading out to do what Touka really wanted to do for her birthday night. Dance the night away. Kaneki didn't have a problem with that--he had become a good dancer himself in the past couple of years. He had gone to many a club the last few months and danced with different partners. There was just something about the way he danced, sensually enough for people to be interested but with a look that also warned them he was not to be messed with, that worked for him. And before that time, Ayato had often convinced him to dance with him when they were out, their bodies close, their limbs intertwined, eyes intensely focused on each other. Such an intimacy between them, in what they were doing, that Kaneki never now felt embarrassed at being out on a dance floor.

Hide was another story, altogether. Kaneki eyed him slyly. He knew that the only way that he and Touka would be able to convince the blond to dance tonight is if he had a few drinks in him. Well, he could certainly help with that. He got their next round of drinks, pretending not to see Hide waving his still half full glass at him in admonishment.

"Hey, Kaneki," Touka said near his ear, slinging an arm around him. She was already partially tipsy, a wide smile on her face. Her hair tickled his cheek as she leaned into his side. "Banjou's pretty awesome, man. He needs to come out with us more."

Kaneki nodded his agreement, amused by Touka's slow descent into sloppiness. "He's pretty much the coolest dude at work. Eh, but for some reason he gets shy around women. I need to play wingman for him at some point."

Touka's eyes widened. "Seriously? Hmmmm. You know, Yoriko will be here soon." She waggled her eyebrows. "Whaddya think?"

"I like it."

"Kaneki Ken?" A female voice fluted from behind him. He turned around slowly to see who had called out his name over the din of voices in the bar. Mado Akira was standing before him, dressed prettily in a summer dress, a small smile on her face. Beside her stood a man of towering height, taller even than Banjou. Kaneki considered him very handsome, his dark hair arranged stylishly without being too casual. His blue eyes swept around the group of people that were with Kaneki wtih a cool detachment, before coming back to rest on the brunet in front of him.

"Ah, Akira, how are you?" Kaneki smiled politely. He felt Touka straighten up at his side, probably trying to hide her tipsiness from strangers. Or maybe she was trying to check out Akira's companion without beeing too conspicuous.

"Oh, you know. Just fine. Out and about. I finally convinced my fiancé here to come out on a Friday night." Akira smiled up at her companion, and at hearing her words, the taller male's face softened, and he reached for her hand. "Amon, this is Kaneki Ken. And that's Banjou Kazuichi. They are both accountants at Tsukiyama Group." Akira seemed to have--unsurprisingly--noticed the other giant standing a few feet behind Kaneki. "Kaneki, Banjou, this is my fiancé, Amon Koutarou. "

They exchanged pleasantries, Amon reaching forward to shake their hands. Kaneki gestured to Touka at his side, and then at Hide who had also come to stand closer. "Akira, Amon, these are my friends Touka and Hide. Today is Touka's birthday." Both Akira and Amon said hello, wishing Touka a happy birthday, the short blonde smiling politely and her fiancé extending his hand again in greeting.

"Are you a cop, Amon?" Kaneki asked, gesturing at the man's belt. It definitely looked like a badge of some sort.

"Kou, you didn't take that off?" Akira chastised. Amon frowned a little, removing his badge and tucking it into his jacket pocket.

"Ah, yes. I'm a detective." Amon seemed to be a man of few words, but he didn't have the air of coming off as impolite. Rather, it seemed more likely that he just didn't talk very much, or maybe didn't do so around those he didn't know particularly well. "I work here in the city. It's a demanding job, but Akira somehow puts up with me despite that."

Akira smiled fondly at him for a brief moment before turning back to Kaneki and his companions. "We stopped here after dinner for a drink, but I think we're headed out now. It was nice to meet your friends, Kaneki. I'll see you at work on Tuesday."

They left after a moment, Amon leading the way out and parting the crowd in front of him with his broad body. Kaneki watched them go thoughtfully, seeing how well the two of them seemed to fit together despite their obvious differences in personality.

"He's _hot_ ," Touka said loudly and then burped.

"I see how it is," Hide said with a huge smile on his face. "Touka secretly likes the tall, dark, and handsome fellas--what am I getting myself into?"

Touka batted playfully at her fiancé's shoulder. "Shut up. You know you're the only one for me. The only one that could ever change my mind about marriage." She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm the lucky one here."

"I always thought Akira was nice," Banjou commented to Kaneki, smiling at Touka's and Hide's banter.

"You think pretty much everyone is nice, though," Kaneki pointed out.

"Yeah. Well, not _everyone_." Banjou's face darkened for a moment. "That Tsukiyama bastard can be a real prick sometimes."

"Why . . . why do you say that?" Kaneki asked, trying to sound nonchalant, not quite meeting Banjou's eyes. He was curious to know. He knew that the giant blamed Tsukiyama for Rize's departure, but he didn't know the reasoning behind it. The brunet gave his glass a little swirl, watching the contents mix together again.

Banjou looked at him suspiciously for a moment. "Kaneki . . . ?" Hide and Touka were eyeing both of them, confused.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOUKA!!" A high and girly voice squealed excitedly from nearby, and then skinny arms were thrown around Touka from behind. Everyone looked over to the newcomer, and Kaneki felt relieved that Banjou was no longer looking at him in grim realization. In fact, his eyes had gone soft and he busied himself with gulping down some beer, maybe to hide the sudden red spill of color across his cheeks.  
  
"Yoriko!" Touka turned around in the embrace, a huge smile on her face as she caught sight of her best friend. She raised her arms to wind around her friend's middle, squeezing tightly. "I'm sooooo glad you're here!"  
  
Yoriko had gone to school with Touka, the two girls in the same graduating class. Hide and Kaneki had, of course, met Yoriko years ago. She would occasionally come over to their apartment when she was able to, but was frequently busy with attending school full-time and holding down a job.  
  
Yoriko kissed Touka affectionately on the cheek before turning to the rest of the group. "Ah, Hide! Kaneki! So good to see you guys!" More hugs ensued, and Kaneki was surprised at the fierceness of the embrace he soon found himself a part of.  
  
"Good to see you, too, Yoriko," he gasped out, touched. Yoriko, sweet and good-natured, turned to Banjou, her head tilted to the side. Kaneki opened his mouth to introduce the two of them, but Yoriko was already speaking.  
  
"Hi," she said demurely, looking up at the giant from behind her long lashes. "I'm Kosaka Yoriko." She held out her hand in the small space between Banjou and herself. "I'm Touka's friend. Her maid of honor for the wedding, too!"  
  
Kaneki was amused to see Banjou's reaction to a pretty and sweet girl talking to him. He seemed to turn inward into himself, brows furrowed and biting his lower lip anxiously. But Kaneki caught his eye from over Yoriko's head, inclining his head meaningfully.  
  
"I'm-I'm Banjou. Banjou Kazuichi." He finally extended his own hand. "I'm friends with Kaneki. We work together."  
  
"Oh, how nice!" The two of them shook hands slowly. Banjou still looked a little shy, but a small smile crossed his face, perhaps in reaction to Yoriko's genuinely pleasant nature.  
  
"You look . . . very nice." Banjo reddened again. "Your hair is pretty."  
  
Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut in secondhand embarrassment. How could this giant of a man, muscular and good-looking (though nottttt his type) be entirely clueless when it came to talking to attractive women?? Hide was busy pointing someone or something out to Touka . . . perhaps Koma and Irimi had arrived, as well. So they didn't see the awkwardness going on at that moment. Kaneki stepped forward, fully intent on changing the subject somehow. He focused first on Yoriko, and he got a shock. Because she was gleaming, her face stretched into the biggest smile he had ever seen on her.  
  
"Thank you, Banjou . . . I've actually considered getting a pixie cut but wasn't too sure about chopping off my hair." She twirled a piece of hair with her pointer finger.  
  
"I'm sure any hair style would look good on you."  
  
Yoriko merely gazed at Banjou for a minute, her features gentle. She seemed as if she couldn't entirely figure Banjou out. Kaneki totally understood--the giant's appearance didn't match up with his shy and bumbling personality. But Banjou seemed like he was doing alright for himself.  
  
There was soon more loud greeting near their group, and Kaneki turned to see that it was indeed Koma and Irimi joining them. Both Banjou and Yoriko had never met the pair of baristas that worked at Anteiku, and introductions ensued. They all indulged in one more drink before parting for the dance club Touka had her heart set on. Kaneki continued to stand near Banjou in case the giant ended up needing him to contribute to the conversation, but again, he didn't need any help at all. Both Yoriko and the giant chatted politely the entire time, Touka flashing an excited and meaningful grin Kaneki's way.  
  
A while later they departed the bar, their boisterous and animated voices blending in with the other young people walking to their own destinations. Koma and Irimi were walking up front with Touka, her arms linked with both of her companions. Kaneki heard her wild shriek of laughter a few times, her steps a little clumsy now that she had thrown back a few drinks.  
  
A few steps behind them, Banjou and Yoriko were walking casually, the skirt of Yoriko's dress flowing prettily around her. Kaneki saw them engaging in easy conversation, the small brunette even going so far as to place a hand on Banjou's upper arm while she held her stomach from laughing at something the giant had said.  
  
"That looks like it's going well, eh Kaneki?" Hide was all smiles, looking sideways at his best friend.  
  
"Hmm, yeah." Kaneki tilted his head as he considered the pair. "He didn't need my help in the end."  
  
"Ya know, a lot of things are like that. We don't realize how strong we are until we _do_ a thing for ourselves. It's pretty brave to put yourself out there like Banjou did, don't you think?"  
  
Kaneki understood the meaning behind Hide's words, knowing that he wasn't just talking about Banjou. And he wasn't sure yet if he believed as Hide did, that Kaneki was strong. But he wanted to be. He wanted to show his friend that he was capable of climbing out of the hole he had dug for himself almost a year ago now, shoveling the dirt back where it belonged. That he was once again the friend Hide had known since they were children. He knew he was getting to that point, no longer letting the sadness color all of his days gray. Yet somehow each day he still found his mind wandering as he tried to fall asleep, hand gripping tightly onto his comforter. Wishing . . . wishing.

"Yeah," he conceded. "He really is strong."  
  
Hide slapped his arm around Kaneki's shoulders. "You having a good time tonight, man?"  
  
And then Kaneki decided it was time for him to put forth a stronger effort in his life. Time to stop being hung up about the hardships of the past. To try and be the strong Kaneki Ken that Hide saw him as.  
  
"I'm getting coffee tomorrow with someone."  
  
The blond's mouth formed into a wide "o" of surprise. " _Really?_ With who?"  
  
Kaneki rubbed absently at his hair. "This guy from work. The one that Banjou thinks is a prick."  
  
Hide laughed loudly. "Trust you to pick a guy like that, Kaneki."  
  
"Wait wait wait. It's just coffee. Nothing crazy," Kaneki insisted.  
  
Hide hmmed, eyes narrowing in mirth. "Sureeeeee buddy." His hand patted Kaneki's shoulder a few times.  
  
"Hey, I'm being serious!"  
  
The blond male considered him for a moment. "Okay okay, whatever you say." They walked a handful of steps in silence. But then Hide grinned at Kaneki. "So . . ."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Is he hot?"  
  
"Oh my god, Hide." Kaneki covered his eyes with his hand. "I shouldn't have said anything."  
  
Hide cackled. "Well?"  
  
"Yes! You happy? Yes, he is hot. Gorgeous, really." Kaneki realized that any description he would try and pull off would not do Tsukiyama Shuu justice. The man was beyond trying to explain vocally, his elegant beauty conjuring up thousands of words and phrases so that Kaneki didn't even know where to begin with explaining the CEO's son.  
  
"I wanted to ask you something," the brunet said slowly, warm brown eyes now tentatively considering his friend.  
  
"Shoot," Hide said casually.  
  
"Do you think . . . Touka. Do you think she will be upset if I tell her?"  
  
Hide looked bewildered. "Why would she be upset?"  
  
"Because this is kind of, _kind of,_ a date, and I haven't really dated anyone since . . ." His voice trailed off, and Kaneki gazed unseeingly at the bars and convenience stores they were passing.  
  
"Kaneki. Look. She's not going to be upset. If anything, I think she'll be more excited than you. She loves you, you idiot."  
  
Kaneki exhaled loudly.  "I know. And . . . okay."

 

* * *

 

  
The club was called Gateway, and one didn't have to guess the reason for its naming. Once you stepped foot beyond its entrance, it was as if you were in an entirely different world. Red, purple, and blue lights illuminated the entirety of the establishment, splashing its patrons in cool hues of color. Low red couches formed a wide rectangle off to one side of the club, the seats already mostly occupied by those seeking a break from dancing or to try and spend some time flirting with the person sitting beside them. Servers dressed in suave button down shirts or flashy dresses floated around, bringing orders of drinks. The opposite corner revealed a huge dance floor, people throwing their bodies around energetically to the music. And in the middle, a considerable, rectangular bar was manned by 5 or so bartenders, each already quite busy with filling drink orders.  
  
Electronic dance music filled the air, contributing to the high energy of the club. Kaneki's group was no more than five steps in the building when Touka whirled around, grabbed Yoriko's hand, and then started pulling her toward the dance floor.  
  
"I'll be back!" she yelled at them as she walked away. "You all better be out there soon, though!" And then with an impish smile on Touka's face and an excited one on Yoriko's, the pair were gone.  
  
Kaneki nudged Hide's side with an elbow. "She'll want a drink when she takes a break from dancing. Let's head over to the bar." The rest of the group followed as they made their way over to the brightly illuminated area in the middle of the room. Banjou, with his size and look, was able to get a spot at the counter, ordering drinks for them.  
  
"Hey, thanks Banjou," Kaneki yelled over the music of the club, in order to be heard. This environment was going to be a lot more challening than the bar they had been at earlier. But he didn't intend on staying on the sidelines for too long. One glance over at Irimi and Koma showed that they wouldn't be too long before hitting the dance floor, either. Koma had an arm looped loosely around his girlfriend while Irimi danced, stopping to sip at her drink every now and then.  
  
Kaneki turned back to Hide, and now the brunet was the one grinning. He knew Hide didn't like dancing very much, and it showed on the blond's face. His forehead was wrinkled, jaw clenched. But his eyes showed a sense of resignation. As if he knew he would end up out there making a fool out of himself with the way he moved his body to the music. It had been a mark of how much Touka took his feelings into consideration in the first place that she didn't immediately drag him out onto the dance floor. She left it up to him one way or the other, knowing that either way she would have a blast.  
  
A couple of songs later, both Touka and Yoriko appeared, their faces already a little sweaty and cheeks flushed from exercise. They sipped at their drinks gratefully, enjoying the refreshing taste of a cool beverage.  
  
"Do you dance, Banjou?" Yoriko asked the giant, looking up at him. He shrugged.  
  
"When I'm alone in my house, I clean and listen to music. Sometimes it turns into a dance party of one."  
  
Yoriko laughed. "Would you want to come dance with us? Next song?"  
  
Banjou blanched, but then recovered himself. He eyed the dance floor for a moment, perhaps seeing that with how crowded it was, there wasn't any room for fancy maneuvers or other people to stare.  
  
"I'd love to," he said finally, firmly. Yoriko smiled as she sipped her drink, and then reached for Banjou's hand. It didn't escape the notice of Kaneki or Touka.  
  
The song changed very soon after, and Touka looked at Koma and Irimi in question. "You guys coming out this time?"  
  
"Oh, we're so in," Irimi said definitively, and Koma nodded.  
  
"Great!" Now Touka eyed Kaneki and Hide. "And you two?"  
  
"Soon," Kaneki assured her. Hide shrugged. Touka merely nodded, and then led the way to the dance floor. Yoriko followed, tugging lightly on Banjou's hand. Kaneki was amazed to see not a trace of apprehension on the giant's face. He genuinely looked excited, looking down at how his hand was joined with Yoriko's smaller appendage.  
  
"Don't keep us waiting too long!" Irimi yelled at both Kaneki and Hide, and then they too, had left. Kaneki watched as they formed together somewhere near the middle of the floor. He couldn't really make out their forms because of how densely packed with people the dance floor was, but he could see Banjou's head and shoulders. He looked like he was having a lot of fun. A smile crept up on Kaneki's face, so happy to be spending this night with a group of people he cared a lot about.  
  
Hide downed the rest of his drink. "Are you going to be abandoning me, too, Kaneki?" he asked wryly, wide smile back on his face.  
  
"Heh." Kaneki kept his eyes on the dancers. "Nope. You will be _choosing_ to stay behind, I presume?"  
  
Hide sighed, still smiling. "Not a chance. Lead the way."  
  
Kaneki grasped on his friend's wrist, beginning his trek across the club. He didn't feel a speck of self-consciousness in doing so, and he doubted that Hide did either. Their friendship ran deeper than that. For most of his childhood and a great part of his teen years, Hide had guided him, acting as a buffer between Kaneki and the rest of the world. And he felt forever indebted to his best friend for that. For he knew that he had been quite the quiet child, awkward and taking every opportunity to read books when he got the chance. Had it not been for Hide, he would probably never had made any other friends in school.  
  
Now, as adults, Kaneki knew he was able to hold his own with the world. It wasn't Hide figuratively holding his hand through gym class or quite literally when his father left and Kaneki cried on his friend's front porch. Friendships went both ways, and he felt a sense of balance when Hide occasionally came to him for advice about school or Touka or, now, his job. Or how he would vent to Kaneki about how his parents didn't support him for going into the business world instead of law enforcement like his brothers and father had. Kaneki knew he would always need Hide's perspective on things, his wry way of looking at the world. But he also knew that Hide was the same, relying on Kaneki's sound judgment, his unequivocal way of knowing what was _right_.  
  
Kaneki led the way through the packed dance floor, surrounded by happy, sweaty people. And then there was Koma, bodily picking him up, swinging him in circles. He felt full of life then, unstoppable. As if the world was spinning again, even if it wasn't completely on its axis. Kaneki glanced down at his friends, cheering him on. And he realized he wanted to do anything to hold onto this feeling--that happiness was his, caught in-between his hands and melting into his skin, becoming a part of him.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the night passed by quickly, full of laughter. He danced with everyone--twirling Touka in circles and then in a dip, dancing behind the unsuspecting Banjou as the giant gleamed at Yoriko in front of him. Men and women alike approached Kaneki, grabbing onto his hands and trying to make him notice them. Kaneki gladly matched their energy and surpassed it, his eyes burning brighter than the lights in the club. His lithe body moved energetically and skillfully to the beat of every song that played, abandoning all inhibitions and just letting himself feel freely.

An hour or two or three later, the group was tumbling out of the club and onto the crowded sidewalk. Touka had mentioned something about getting food, that of the greasy, fulfilling variety that drunk people craved at the end of a night of drinking. Kaneki, feeling quite drunk himself, readily agreed to this plan of action. He led the way toward one such fast-food place not far from where they were located.

"Kaneki! Catch me! Piggyback ride!" And then Touka leapt onto his back, laughing wildly into the night as she latched onto her friend's back. He almost dropped her, but then looped his arms under her knees, linking his fingers together in front of him in a tight grip.

"Touka, for the love of god. Your ASS is almost showing." Hide pulled down on her skirt a little.

"Aw, babe. Just fight them off, okay?" Touka set her head down on Kaneki, in the space between his shoulder blades.

"I'll fight them, too!" Kaneki laughed, the world a dazzling display of lights and color. Hide sighed heavily behind them, not quite as intoxicated as the rest of them.

"We're gonna party like it's 3012 tonight . . ." Touka sang off-key, picking up on a song that was blasting out of one of the clubs that they passed.

"Noooooooo," Kaneki whined. "Stopppppp. It's horrible, it's the worst, I can't." Touka merely laughed, tweaking one of his ears.

"It's my birthday, Kaneki. I can sing whatever horrible song I want." She craned her head backwards, gauging the reaction of the rest of the group. "Hey, where are Koma and Irimi?"

Kaneki and Hide didn't know. Both Yoriko and Banjou were a few paces behind them, Yoriko hanging onto the giant's arm. They were seemingly oblivious to the rest of the world, talking quietly and smiling admiringly at each other.

"Hmmmmmmm, Kaneki put me down! I need to call them and find out where they are!" The brunet obliged, setting Touka easily down so that she didn't trip drunkenly in her high heels. Yoriko and Banjou caught up to them as Touka fished her phone out of her purse.

"Aha!" Touka blinked confusedly at her phone for a moment. "What's my passcode again?"

Hide chuckled at his fiancée _'_ s complete drunkenness. "You get to clean up the mess if she throws up," he said aside to Kaneki.

"Ohhhhh no. She's your fiancée, you get to deal with that."

"What's the hold up?" Yoriko chirped. Kaneki saw that Touka had gained access to her phone and was now talking to someone with a confused expression on her face.

"Just trying to see where Koma and Irimi went off to," Hide contributed, stretching his arms.

"What? What???" Touka was almost yelling in her phone. "I. Don't. Understand. You." There was a short pause, and then she thrust her phone at Kaneki. "Can you talk to him? I don't--I can't--he isn't making _sense_."

Kaneki rolled his eyes and took the offered phone. "Hello?" He watched as Touka began to talk to perfect strangers, offering up high fives to each person that passed by and yelling "It's my birthday!" He grinned drunkenly, the world seeming to tip and spin and shine a little too bright. Hide would have his hands full for the rest of the night--with both of them.

"Kaneki?" He turned half of his attention back to his phone.

"Yeah, Koma. Where'd you go? Touka's looking for you. We're supposed to be getting food."

Touka was now dancing to the music of a nearby club, trying to get Hide to twirl around. Banjou and Yoriko watched, laughing at the somewhat exasperated look on Hide's face.

"This--this isn't Koma." Kaneki kind of heard a sharp exhalation on the other line, but he couldn't be sure. His mind was a smattering of thoughts, divided between talking to Koma, wanting food, wanting to dance, laughing at his friends, and trying to slow down the spinning in his head.

"Eh? What'd you say?" There was a long pause, and Kaneki considered hanging up. They could get food without Koma. He'd probably catch up at some point, right? But then the speaker on the other side spoke.

"I am not Koma. Touka clearly dialed the wrong number. Kaneki--"

Kaneki laughed loudly. "Oh this is GREAT. Of course she dialed the wrong number. I can't wait to tell her about all the dumb shit she did when she wakes up tomorrow."

"Hey, Kaneki--"

"Who _is_ this by the way?" Kaneki asked, taking a seat on the edge of the sidewalk. Lying down right now would be so much more comfortable, he thought. And then he did just that, enjoying the way his body seemed to relax on the hard concrete surface. Above him, his friends laughed, and the sound mixed together in Kaneki's head, sounding like one combined cacaphony. He blinked, trying to force himself to concentrate.

"Kaneki, man, you have to get up!" Hide insisted, tugging on his arm. Kaneki could kind of hear the person on the other end talking to him, but not really. All the sounds and sights around him now blended together in one ball of color and he watched it swirl around and around and around . . .

"Hide--I can't. I'm talking to Koma. Well, I think it's Koma." And then his eyes slid drunkenly over to where Koma and Irimi had just joined their group, and he pointed an unsteady finger at them. "There you guys are! I was just talking to you!" Both the newcomers looked completely confused.

"Kaneki, here, I'll take that." And then Hide had a hold of Touka's phone, and he spoke into the receiver. "I'm so sorry, this is Hide. Touka and Kaneki are clearly too drunk to make sense."

The speaker on the other line seemed to say something to Hide, and Kaneki watched uncertainly as his friend's features expanded into horror. Without another word, Hide walked some distance away, speaking quietly into the phone. After a moment, he was back, smiling, as if the last few minutes hadn't happened.

"Ready for food?"

"Hide! Who was that, Hide?!" Kaneki asked, rising to his feet and then linking his arm through his friend's.

"Oh, just a wrong number," Hide said easily, beginning to lead the way to the restaurant.

"Or was it Koma's twin? His secret twin?" Kaneki linked his arm through Touka's, who had come up on his other side, her high heels clacking on the sidewalk. He looked over at her fondly, leaning his head on her shoulder.

"Yup, you got it! It was Koma's twin."

Kaneki tilted his head backwards, almost falling. "Koma! I just talked to your twin!" Beside him, Touka laughed.

"Me too, Koma!"

"I'm the better looking one," Koma said jokingly.

And then Kaneki gave himself up to the night, tucking some hair behind Touka's ear and then feeling complete when she grinned happily at him.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki woke up the next morning to the sound of his alarm blaring at him. It was unpleasant, to say the least. He wanted to throw his phone across the room. But knowing his luck, the screen would shatter and the alarm would still be going off.

"Ugh."

He reached blindly for his phone, his eyes not ready to cooperate with him. Feeling the hard cover of the device, he forced his eyes open only to jab at the 'snooze' button. Silence reigned in his room again, and he groaned at the slightly upset feeling in his stomach. Another glance at his phone revealed the time to be 10:30 am. He had agreed to meet Tsukiyama Shuu at noon for coffee, and now he was regretting not asking Shuu if they could meet on Sunday instead.

Kaneki groaned even louder when his phone's alarm went off again.  He must have fallen back asleep. With something that was almost a growl, he disabled the alarm and then checked his phone. There were a lot of pictures on it he couldn't completely remember taking or being a part of. Hide and Touka dancing in the club.  Banjo and Yoriko leaning against each other.  Irimi and Koma eating pizza.  And one that a stranger must have taken of the entire group.  Kaneki slapped his forehead at the completely idiotic expression on his face in the photo.  The latter half of the night was mostly a blank. He remembered eating his fair share of pizza though, wedged in beside Touka as she also wolfed down slice after slice.

His head ached, and Kaneki decided he needed to hunt down some ibuprofen before he did anything else. The brunet slowly shuffled out of his room and into the bathroom, finding the big bottle in the medicine cabinet. He shook 3 out into his palm and then swallowed them down with the aid of some water from the bathroom tap.

"I'm a wreck right now," Kaneki mumbled as he made his way back down the hall towards his room. But he heard some noise in the kitchen, a quiet metallic clanging of pans. He peered into the kitchen, seeing Hide at the helm and cracking some eggs into a large bowl.

"Hide." It was all that Kaneki could manage.

The blond smirked at the sight of Kaneki who was clad only in his boxer briefs. "Sleep alright?"

"Mmphf." The brunet took a seat at their kitchen island.

Hide merely nodded knowlingly. "Touka's still asleep. She passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow. Shockingly enough, she didn't throw up when we got home."

"Ah."

"You want some of this?" Hide gestured at the eggs he was cooking. "I'm making an omelette."

"Oh, hell no. But thanks. I have to go shower and get ready."

"Oh that's right." Hide's face lit up as he tended to his food. "Your coffee date, right?"

"Yeah. I'll probably scare him away, being like this. Maybe a good thing." Kaneki set his head down on the countertop.

Hide hmmmed. "Somehow I doubt that'll happen."

Kaneki shrugged. He heard the sound of running water, and then a heavy clunking sound somewhere near his ear.

"Drink that." The brunet lifted his head slowly, eyeing the glass of ice cold water beside him. He gulped it down eagerly, communicating to Hide through his expression his thanks. His friend seemed to get it, waving his spatula at Kaneki.

"Kaneki--do you remember last night?" There was a curious and cautious note to Hide's voice, but Kaneki couldn't be bothered to figure out why. He slumped his head back onto the counter, cradled by his forearms.

"Not really. Sort of. Nothing really after the club. Or maybe . . . I remember dancing with that girl dressed up as a pirate. But not after that? I did that, right?"

Hide chuckled. "Yeah, you most certainly did." There was a brief pause, and Kaneki actually started to feel a bit hungry as the scent of eggs and onions and cheese and whatever else Hide was putting in his omelette wafted towards him. "So you don't remember walking to go get pizza?"

The cautious note was back in Hide's voice, and this time Kaneki looked up and at his friend. "Sort of . . . ? Why? Did I do something stupid?"

"Oh, not at all! Well . . . you kind of lied down on the sidewalk for a minute." Here Hide's brown eyes glanced at Kaneki, a wide smile on his face. But Kaneki could see that he was being scrutinized, and he wondered why.

"I think I remember that. Kinda." Kaneki scoured through his hazy memories of last night. Why was Hide asking such pointed questions? There was obviously some important detail he was missing, but what was it? He remembered giving Touka a piggyback ride, and then Irimi and Koma showing up because they had been looking for them, right? And then the pizza. So delicious.

But his head hurt too much to think about it any longer, so he gave up. Maybe Touka could shed some light on the subject later when she woke up.

"I'm gonna go shower and die," Kaneki muttered. "If I'm not out in half an hour, start a search party."

"Why don't you put off this coffee date until tomorrow?" Hide asked reasonably.

"Ughhh. I would, but I don't actually have his number." Kaneki forced his limbs to move, getting slowly up from the kitchen island.

Kaneki sat down in the shower a few minutes later, after finding some clothing to wear for the day. He still wasn't feeling completely energized. As he let the warm water cascade over his brown hair and thin shoulders, he began to think about Shuu. Obviously, there was an attraction on both sides. But Kaneki found himself hoping there would be more to it than that, that they would find some common ground when they met up for coffee later. He remembered that feeling when he first went out on the dance floor last night, that of adventure . . . feeling full of hope and excitement about all of the possibilities.  And he wanted to continue with that.  Perhaps Tsukiyama Shuu would be a part of that.

As he continued to get ready for the day, his mind was filled with ideas about what he might talk to Shuu about.  But in the most remote parts of his memory, the fleeting thought that he had had a conversation on Touka's phone fluttered like a candle in the wind and then went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions, ask in comments or come visit me on tumblr [here](http://telltaleheartwrites.tumblr.com). I'd be glad to chat! And I always love talking about ayakane. :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was intending to get more accomplished in this chapter, but that event will be in the beginning of next chapter. I think it will fit in better there, anyways.

Kaneki was thinking it was a good thing he took some ibuprofen before meeting up with Tsukiyama Shuu. His headache was now mostly gone, just the faintest edge of a dull pain apparent near his forehead. He had guzzled down enough water to render his stomach feeling slightly sloshy, almost to the point as if he decided to tip over to the side, he would be able to hear the liquid move around on the inside. It was all very surreal, these vague thoughts that drifted around in his head as he sat across from Shuu. He had never before stopped to consider every infinitesmal pain in his body before this day. Like the slight queasiness that remained in his stomach, the somewhat sharp pain in his shin where he must've bumped hard into something last night.

Because Shuu had not stopped talking from the moment they sat down.

At the counter when they had ordered their drinks, Kaneki had opted for his usual coffee topped off with milk, while Shuu had gone for some exorbitant drink. Something like a sugar-free vanilla caramel double-shot latte with whipped cream and caramel drizzle. Kaneki had snorted when he had heard the order, not knowing why anyone would bother with cutting the calories in the liquid portion of the drink when they were just going to add enormously to it with the topping. But hey, it was Shuu. He who had never seemed to do anything just like everyone else.

Still though, Kaneki had remained optimistic about their "sort of" date today, and he had followed Shuu as the taller male chose a somewhat secluded table by a window. There were a lot of other customers in the shop at that time, but most either took their drink and left, or else they decided to sit out on the coffee shop's patio in order to enjoy the nice, summer weather. So when Kaneki had asked the simple question of, "You went to France recently, right?" and Shuu had launched into a non-stop stream of descriptions of Paris and the people and the food and the sights, the brunet had put an elbow on the table, his hand supporting his chin as he listened in.

But then Shuu kept going, his musical voice deep one minute to accentuate a point and then going higher in the register when he was excited about something, pausing only for a second or two to take a sip of his beverage. His beautiful blue eyes would then light up as if remembering something else he wanted to say, and he would MMMM! as he sat his cup down gingerly, getting more excited to tell Kaneki something else about the country of France. Sometimes he used his hands to accentuate an important detail, and Kaneki could see his well-manicured nails and long, graceful fingers.

Kaneki Ken was a patient person. But not this patient. And he was smart enough to recognize that this was not going well at all. While Shuu continued his enthusiastic explanation of Paris's events, Kaneki found himself thinking that his date's behavior was startlingly close to that of when he saw him walking down the hall at work, talking to a co-worker. Or when he had been at the bar, the subject of many a man's attention. And it made Kaneki sad that he was now facing the brunt of another one of Shuu's "performances." Kaneki found his mind wandering, trying to reconcile the Shuu he had talked to a couple of times when away from people and the man before him now. It didn't make sense that there were two different personas at play, but the last vestiges of Kaneki's headache were present enough that he didn't want to press the issue further right now.

The brunet looked down at his coffee cup. He had long since drained it of its contents, but it didn't seem to be having a great influence on his still slightly hungover body. The last few drops of coffee had even started to dry around the bottom of the mug. Kaneki thought longingly of how he would love another cup of coffee, but maybe he would wait until he was back home and free of Shuu's never ending prattle.

The next time Shuu paused to take a sip of what must be his now room-temperature drink, Kaneki quickly interrupted him to excuse himself to go to the bathroom. Shuu smiled beatifically at him, not seeming to think in the slightest that something could be amiss. The pure happiness behind that mere expression left Kaneki stunned for a few seconds, and he had to blink a few times to clear his mind. How was it possible for someone to be that beautiful? With an internal sigh, Kaneki finally rose and made his way to the restroom, his mind wandering as he tried to figure out what he should do next. A few minutes later, he had his palms braced on the sink's countertop, gazing at his own reflection. His hair was starting to get longer, strands of brown hair covering his ears on the sides. He hand-combed the hair that fell across his eyes over to the side. Yeah, he would have to ask Touka for a trim soon. Just a trim, though. Last time she had cut it a little too short and it had taken a few months to grow back out.

When someone else entered the bathroom, Kaneki busied himself with drying his hands. He had to handle this business with Shuu. No more dilly-dallying. With a deep breath of determination, he nodded to himself, having come to a decision.

Kaneki left the restroom, eyes fixed on the table where Shuu sat alone, his posture immaculate, his clothing perfectly ironed. He was gazing out the window at the passersby, gem-blue eyes soft and lips curved up slightly in a smile. Kaneki felt his heart hurt a little at what he would have to say to Shuu, hating that he would be erasing that smile and instead causing the him to be melancholy.

As Kaneki took a seat, eyes down on the surface of the table, he took a deep breath in order to focus. But to his surprise, Shuu spoke first, his voice now soft and wistful.

"Kaneki . . . " the brunet looked up to see Shuu looking slightly embarrassed, his lips pursed together as he spoke, "I--I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize?" Kaneki asked, confused.

"Yes. When I get nervous, I tend to talk and talk so much that I can't seem to stop. So I am sorry about that. If you hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom, I probably would have continued with my mindless chatter." Kaneki watched as Shuu placed both of his hands on the tabletop, lacing his fingers together. "And with you--I don't want to push you away. I could recognize while I was talking earlier that it was probably boring. I just couldn't stop, though. I really am . . . sorry."

"Oh." Kaneki didn't know what else to say. Certainly, Shuu seemed a bit calmer now, sapphire eyes considering Kaneki, as if he were trying to guess how he felt. His tamed brows were even contoured into an expression that indicated slight stress.

"It happens a lot," Shuu confessed. "I think I told you in my office that I never really had any friends while growing up. That's embarrassing to admit. When I started attending a private school, I made up my mind to try and be likeable. And I guess it came out like this, overcompensating by talking too much, maybe to cover up just how nervous talking to other people made me. To take an offensive stance instead of letting others dictate the content of our interactions."

"I see." Kaneki could understand that, the want to be accepted and liked. If it hadn't been for Hide, perhaps he never would have made any friends. Maybe he and Shuu weren't so different, after all, deep down. And he felt that maybe he was beginning to see the real Tsukiyama Shuu now, free of any shields or swords.

"It's hard, sometimes, at work," Shuu continued quietly, thoughtfully. He looked down into his own empty cup now, then back up at Kaneki. "I'm judged every day, every minute I'm there. Each mistake I make is sneered at because they think I won't have to face the same consequences as they do. Or they see the way I dress, how I do my hair. The fact that I'm gay." Shuu shook his head, frowning. "Every piece of me is broken apart and judged. It makes talking to a lot of people at Tsukiyama Group very difficult."

Kaneki saw Shuu through new eyes now. He couldn't imagine having co-workers picking at every aspect of your being, analyzing it as if it were in a petri dish and under a microscope, day after day. No wonder that Shuu overacted at times, put on a confident persona, like armor. How could he not? It would tear anybody down with enough exposure to harsh criticism.

"I had been thinking," Kaneki began slowly, "that maybe we wouldn't be a good fit." He moved only his eyes to Shuu, the rest of his head still inclined towards the table top. "But now . . ."

"But now?" Shuu asked, a note of hopefulness in his voice.

"Now I am thinking, I would like another cup of coffee. And to talk some more with you."

Shuu beamed then, a dazzling illumination of a smile. Both of them got another drink and settled back into their table, Shuu much calmer now as he talked with his date.

"Do you have any siblings?" Shuu asked a couple of minutes later, listening attentively to everything Kaneki said.

"Yes," Kaneki smiled fondly at the thought of his sister. "One. Her name is Hinami. She's younger than I am. She's fantastic."

"Ah." A wistful expression crossed Shuu's face. "I always wanted a sibling. You are quite lucky."

"Yes, I am," Kaneki said and meant it. "Though she has this _boyfriend_. . . "

"Is he horrible?"

"No, I don't think so. It's just . . . he better never hurt her." And there was an edge to Kaneki's voice as he said it.

They talked for another hour or so, at times laughing at a memory that was shared from their respective childhood. Kaneki asked Shuu about his college experience, discovering that he was two years older than himself, and was surprised to hear that Shuu had graduated near the top of his class. Shuu asked about the friends he lived with, so Kaneki told a couple funny stories about Hide and Touka. Including the first summer that they all lived together and he and Touka had secretly filled up dozens of water balloons and had lured Hide up to the roof of their building. Where they had ambushed him. Hide had spluttered indignantly at first, but then bull-rushed them, finding their hidden cache of water balloons and started to turn the tables on them.

The stories had Shuu smiling widely, but at the same time, Kaneki could see the wish to have been a part of something like that behind it. And he remembered how Shuu had said he didn't really have any friends. So he asked him about Kanae. Any lingering sadness then disappeared, as Shuu told him how they had visited Disney World as children. And how he had talked Kanae into coming on some of the rides with him. How they had both started off screaming but then ended up laughing hysterically by the end. How each year when they went back they would do the same thing and they never even had to talk about it. They would just know to do it. Kaneki could see the love and pride Shuu had for his cousin, admiring the softness of the man's features as he talked of something that made him happy. And the pieces continued to fall in place, painting a clearer picture of just what made Tsukiyama Shuu tick.

The model was beyond beautiful, of that there was no question. Kaneki could see it in his well-styled hair, his flawless skin, free of wrinkles or blemishes. His sapphire eyes were neither small nor large, but in proportion with the rest of his pleasing features. And though his beauty was probably something that most people noticed first about Shuu, Kaneki was glad he was able to come to recognize his other wonderful attributes. The fierce protectiveness he had for his family. The way he saw the beauty in everything around him, waxing poetic about summer flowers and symmetrical architecture. His intellectual perspective on literature, of which they talked at length about. His appreciation of the arts--apparently he loved theater very much.

"Maybe we could go Shakespeare in the Park some time? They are performing _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ for the next few weeks," Shuu offered.

"I would like that," Kaneki found himself saying, surprising himself.

Shuu also appreciated fine dining, especially the wonder that is French cuisine.

"I've never really had any of it," Kaneki admitted, shrugging.

"No foie gras?" Kaneki shook his head, a small smile on his face. "Boeuf Bourguignon? No? Well we will have to fix that!"

And the thought of going on another date with Shuu, either to a low-key outdoor theater performance or a fancy French dinner had Kaneki's heart fluttering. It was certainly frightening to expose himself again to someone else, giving in to his feelings and letting things go. But he wanted to try. He knew he was always one to wear his heart on his sleeve, never really good at hiding his emotions, and the possibility of getting hurt again was a very real one. But he felt that he had started to heal again, not thinking so much of the past and how it could still cripple him if he let it. And he felt proud of himself, coming to this realization on his own. He was looking forward to talking to Dr. Itori about it, and hearing her thoughts on his progress.

"Can I ask you something?" Kaneki asked tentatively, some minutes later. "About work?"

"Of course." Shuu gazed at him upon hearing the serious quality of his voice.

"I was wondering about the girl that worked in my office before I did. Rize, I think her name is?"

"Ah." Shuu exhaled unhappily. "That was an unfortunate occurrence. I can't say too much about it, however." He looked out the window, collecting his thoughts. "I know that Banjou blames me for her getting fired."

Kaneki remained silent, waiting for Shuu to continue.

"The truth of the matter was, there were several . . . inconsistencies . . . in reports generated by Rize and accounts that she was responsible for. There was an investigation, of course. I sat in on the meeting with Nishio once it was complete. She didn't take it very well. Nishio told me that when he and security went with her to her office to collect her personal belongings, she was ranting, out of control. Yelling about how she was being let go unjustly. Throwing my name in there and how I was just mad because she wasn't interested in me." Shuu looked at Kaneki now, his eyes steady but a little sad. "I guess I can see why your friend doesn't like me very much."

"He just doesn't know any better," Kaneki said earnestly. "He cared for her very much."

Shuu nodded, but looked deep in thought. "I am thinking he will not be pleased about you coming to have coffee with me."

"He said he had seen you look at other men before the same way you looked at me. I think he was just trying to look out for me, to be honest."

"That is a half-truth, Kaneki," Shuu said slowly, his voice deep and altogether very different than it had been the last few minutes. Kaneki heard it, and suppressed a shiver.

"How so?"

"Because I have looked at other men in the building before. But I have never looked at them the way I look at you."

Kaneki felt his cheeks redden, and he had to look away from the force of Shuu's stare. The man was certainly an enigma, and Kaneki felt like he was only beginning to scratch the surface of who Tsukiyama Shuu really was. He was a mass of complications, allowing Kaneki to see behind his shield when he was vulnerable. But at the same time, he was all intensity when focusing on the brunet, eyes serious, not a trace of fear in the way he held himself. It reminded Kaneki of when he had walked in on Shuu and Nishio having sex on his boss's desk, and Shuu had just _stared_ at him, no traces of insecurity within eons of him. It made Kaneki want to be just as confident back.

He forced down his instinct to be shy at having heard such a comment directed at him, and instead raised his gaze to meet Shuu's jewel-blue eyes.

"And just how do you look at me?" Kaneki asked, forcing each word out, his fingers curling into his palms, hands held tense in his lap.

Shuu leaned forward over the table, lacing his fingers together and propping his chin on them, delicately. "Why Kaneki," he began, his eyes never wavering, "I look at you as one who has seen the apex of allurement. Because you are, simply put, the most exquisite, sublime, creature that I have ever come across."

Kaneki couldn't help it now. His blush deepened, his gaze faltering. Shuu had won this round. "You are good with words," he muttered, a hand working its way through his hair distractedly.

"I am good with truths," Shuu corrected, reaching forward slowly and taking Kaneki's hand in his. With the utmost gentleness, he brought Kaneki's hand toward his mouth, bestowing a soft kiss across the top of his hand.

And there was no ignoring the considerable rush of affection and attraction that entered Kaneki's heart for his beautiful companion.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki entered his apartment some time later, still somewhat in a daze. He couldn't believe the difference between the first part of their coffee date and the second. Truly, it was like night and day. When they had eventually left the coffee house, they had exchanged numbers. Shuu hadn't tried kissing him again, which Kaneki had appreciated. He liked the slow treading of water that was their interaction. They weren't exactly swimming laps around a figurative pool yet, but they also weren't a sinking ship. There wasn't a rush to figure everything out all at once, and it was refreshing. He didn't feel anxious about spending time alone with Shuu anymore. It was more of an excited nervousness that he felt instead of a coil of unease.

And he found himself looking forward to the next time he would see Tsukiyama Shuu.

Hearing a low hum of voices, Kaneki meandered over to the balcony, where he found his two dear friends, looking as if they had been sitting out there for quite a while. Hide had his feet propped up on another chair, working on his laptop and looking relaxed. Touka had an empty paper plate next to her, bread crumbs littering the surface. Hide must have made her his famous grilled cheese--a long-time much needed form of sustenance after a night of drinking.

"Kanekiiiiiii," Touka moaned as he stepped out on the balcony, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses, clearly still very much hungover. "Where were you?"

"Well," Kaneki said slowly, hands in his pockets as he moved over to the last unoccupied chair. "I was actually . . . on a date. Of sorts."

He watched a little anxiously as Touka pulled her sunglasses lower on her nose so as to see him better. Kaneki fervently hoped that Hide was right, that she would be okay with this. The blond had taken a break from his typing, sipping on some iced tea. He smiled encouragingly at Kaneki, and it eased some of his worries.

"A date?" Touka asked, surprise evident in her voice. "With who?"

"Yeah, a date." Kaneki peered at her, and saw that she was looking at him levelly, trying to figure him out. Hide and Touka were always doing that, but then again, he didn't make it very hard for them, either. "His name is Shuu. Tsukiyama Shuu."

"Tsukiyama? As in, Tsukiyama Group? Where you work?" Touka's eyes went wide.

Kaneki sighed. "Yeah."

Perhaps Touka could detect the hesitance in her friend's voice to elaborate on the subject, because she didn't pepper him with many more questions. But she did finally wave him over (too achy herself to get up and move) with both hands and gave him a tight squeeze of a hug as he awkwardly leaned over her. Nor did she let go soon.

"I'm glad, Kaneki," she said softly, and when she finally took her arms back, Kaneki saw that she was smiling affectionately at him. It was one of those wonderful, rare, moments where Touka showed her warmth and love for those closest to her. It had taken a few years of close friendship before she had felt comfortable enough to let her guard down completely around Kaneki and Hide, and sometimes he forgot that others didn't see this side of her. He wondered what he did to ever deserve two such wonderful best friends. Maybe not enough.

"It was just one date," he almost-grumbled, but he squeezed her hand lightly to soften the effect, before he, too, let go.

"If you say so," Touka said lightly, pushing her sunglasses back up. She looked over at Hide, and at seeing his non-reaction at the news, smacked him lightly in the leg. "You knew about this, didn't you?"

Hide smiled guiltily, ruffling the hair at the back of his neck. But Touka was only putting on the guise of animosity, muttering something to the effect of: "The two of you, keeping secrets. Hmph."

Kaneki stayed out there a while longer with the two of them, now yawning every few minutes. He was in much need of a nap. He listened in as Hide told them how they had drunkenly made their way through pizza the previous night, and then had laughed loudly at the mess on each other's faces.

"Then you both tried to wipe the sauce off each other's face, but made it all worse. It was gross." Hide laughed, shaking his head in amusement at them.

"Well look here, my love, you have many more years of that kind of thing ahead of you," Touka said quietly, curling up as best as she could on her chair and leaning her head on the table. "I'm so sleepy."

"Yeah, I'm gonna go take a nap." Kaneki got up, weaving around the table and his friends. He had just pushed open the heavy sliding glass door when he heard Touka call his name from behind him.

"Kaneki?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we meet him?"

It was a situation very much like this one, almost two and a half years ago, where it had been the three of them together, and that same question had been asked. But it had been Hide who had asked that time. The echo of that memory stung at him, and it was almost as if he could see down a hallway of bright memories from those times together with _him_ , flooding the corridor with its light. Kaneki closed his eyes tightly, trying to shut the memories out.

"Not . . . not right now, okay?" His voice sounded tentative. "I'm not ready. Yet."

And with that, he shut the sliding glass door behind him.

 

* * *

 

Two days later it was the 4th of July. Kaneki had felt somewhat apprehensive about it off and on during the few days leading up to the holiday. He knew that both Hide and Touka saw him withdrawing into himself, and most likely knew the reason, but they wisely chose not to mention it to him. Instead, they talked about their idea of going to see the fireworks at a nearby school for that night, and inviting Yoriko and Banjou to come celebrate with them.

Kaneki recognized what they were doing. And he fully appreciated the gesture. There was no way he was ready to openly talk about Ayato yet with them, barely able to commit to talking about his ex with his therapist. Talking about those deeply buried things that bothered Kaneki was never something he ever did. He was grateful, in that sense, that his feelings were usually fairly obvious. Dr. Itori was an exception. Talking to her about Ayato and all of those painful memories was going to be different because she wasn't connected to them in any way. And there was just something about her and her approach to therapy which made it okay with Kaneki to talk to her. Maybe one day he would be able to just pour it all out to Hide and Touka . . . but maybe he wouldn't. But he knew either way, it wouldn't change how close he was to them. It wouldn't change how much he loved them or vice versa. They had long since accepted each other for all of their varying attributes and bad habits, from Hide eating peanut butter with a spoon straight out of the jar (Touka bought a separate jar of it and labeled the first one 'HIDE' with a black permanent marker) to Touka leaving her clothes in the dryer for days to Kaneki continuously loading the dishwasher incorrectly (at least, according to Touka). They were definitely very different from each other, but at the same time, Kaneki couldn't imagine his life without both of them in it.

The 4th of July meant Ayato's birthday and fireworks and hot dogs on the grill. It meant birthday presents and games on their roof and warm arms holding him close. So changing the venue and attendees was Hide's and Touka's active way of changing traditions. Making new memories instead of dwelling on old ones. Planning enough activities and inviting others to keep his thoughts occupied.

Seven p.m. found Kaneki lugging three camping chairs over his shoulders and carrying one end of a cooler. Hide carried the other end, a couple of grocery bags full of snacks in his other hand. Touka led the way, turning to chat with them every so often, carrying the game Cornhole. Which both Kaneki and Hide were very good at, so Touka would often demand that one of them had to be her partner instead of the pair of them teaming up against her and someone else. Their destination was just down the road, so it wasn't with much discomfort that they made their way through chattering and excited children and their families.

They found a good spot in the middle of the school's athletic field, far enough away from the playground so that the constant screaming of children wasn't intrusive, and far enough away from the stream of bands playing on a stage that they didn't have to yell to be heard. Half an hour or so later, Banjou showed up, carrying a chair of his own.

Banjou greeted everyone, setting up his own chair next to Kaneki. "I have Ladder Ball in my car, I'll be right back."

"I'll come with you," Kaneki said, getting to his feet and stretching. "I wanna run something past you."

They were halfway across the field when Kaneki summoned the courage to talk to his friend. "Banjou, there's something I wanted to tell you." At Banjou's curious look, Kaneki continued. "It's um. It's about Tsukiyama Shuu."

Banjou's face clouded over slightly. "Go on."

"Well uh. . . he and I actually went out for coffee yesterday. On a date." Kaneki popped his fingers, nervous.

"He's no good, Kaneki," Banjou said immediately. "I've heard things about him, and I just don't think he'd be good to you--"

"But I don't see that about him at all," Kaneki said earnestly. "I really, really don't. On the outside, sure, he seems a little . . ."

"Like an egocentric asshole?"

Kaneki pressed his lips into a straight line. "Maybe. But once you get to know him, that's not who he is at all. And I--I think I like him. And I'm hoping you won't hate me for it."

Banjou sighed. He clicked a button on his keychain, and the trunk of a nearby black car clicked. Kaneki followed him over as Banjou retrieved the game and a hoodie from his car.

"Kaneki," Banjou said finally. "You're my friend. And a very good person, even if you don't like donuts so much. I could never hate you, so that's ridiculous. I just don't want to see you get hurt by that--by that-- _guy_."

They started walking back towards Hide and Touka, the pair of them easy to spot because of her bright blue hair. They were setting up Cornhole already, and Touka was wagging a finger at Hide, who was grinning widely. No doubt he had plans to get Kaneki on his team.

Kaneki turned to look at his giant of a friend, who was frowning at the ground as they walked. He was touched by Banjou's sentiment, prioritizing Kaneki over any feelings that may have remained for Rize.

"I understand that," Kaneki said, patting Banjou's back. "I don't want to get hurt either. But I honestly don't think he would ever seek out to try and do that to me. And I think it's time I moved on--from things. From being scared."

From his peripheral vision, Kaneki saw Banjou look up and over at him. He hadn't ever really spoken about things like this with Banjou before. With a deep exhalation, he looked over to his friend. "By the way. I asked him about Rize."

"Oh?" Banjou stopped walking, and Kaneki turned to face him squarely.

"Yeah. He was kinda sad about it, actually. I think they maybe used to be friends or something, from the sound of it." Kaneki folded his arms across his chest. "And I don't think I can tell you everything he said, but I don't think she was fired in error."

Banjou huffed out a breath. "Well of course he would tell you that. He would say anything if it meant that you believed him and would go out with him."

Kaneki frowned. "I really believe him, Banjou. He was sincere."

Banjou raised an eyebrow. "I believe you that you think he was sincere. But I don't know. I guess I'll think about it."

"That's good enough for me." Kaneki smiled, and they started walking again. "I have a surprise for you, by the way."

"Yeah?" Banjou looked over, interested.

"I _may have_ made some brownies today. . . "

"Is that a bribe?" Banjou asked with a laugh.

"Maybeeee?"

"Well, it's working." The giant wrapped a muscular arm around Kaneki's shoulders. "You are the very best person I know."

 

* * *

 

Yoriko arrived not too long after they had gotten everything settled, and Kaneki watched as she plunked her chair down beside Banjou without a hesitation. Touka's mouth dropped open in surprise a little at that, but then she smiled just a few seconds later, hiding it behind her hand.

They sat around and chatted for a little bit, enjoying some iced drinks and snacks. At one point, when Touka came over to braid Yoriko's hair to get it off of her neck, Banjou leaned over to whisper to Kaneki: "We've been texting the last couple of days. I think I might ask her out on a date for next weekend."

"That would be awesome," Kaneki whispered back. "I bet you two would have a great time."

Some time later, they got up and played some games. Banjou had never played Cornhole before, so he sat back and watched the other four compete. Touka narrowed her eyes at Kaneki and Hide, before stating, "You're with me, Kaneki."  There were laughs and taunts as everyone tried to psyche out players from the other team.  When Yoriko tried to do it, they all laughed, because she sounded too sweet when she teased.

Kaneki and Touka just barely edged out a victory, slapping high fives after their win. Touka stuck her tongue out at Hide, who then picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, spinning around and around.  "Stop!"  Touka laughed loudly.  "This time I will throw up on you!"

Hide quickly complied, and Touka wobbled slightly as she walked.  "Banjou, your turn!" she announced. "I'm out this round."

"Are you sure? I don't mind watching again."

"Absolutely."

So Banjou came to stand beside Yoriko and across from Kaneki who was his partner. Each time their side had to pick up the small bean bags, Banjou more often than not handed Yoriko's to her first before bending back down again to pick up his own. Kaneki smiled to see the two of them getting along so well, chatting easily together across the way.

This time it was Hide and Yoriko that won, Yoriko getting as many points as Hide. "Next time, next time," Kaneki told Banjou. "We'll get them."  But Banjou didn't look too beat up about it, his eyes on Yoriko as she smiled prettily back at him.

They played more games, at times rotating someone in and out to accomodate for the number of players. Then they settled in to eat more snacks and sandwiches that had been prepared ahead of time. Finally, night fell, and the athletic field was filled almost to capacity. Parents had been able to calm their children enough to take a seat with the promise of fireworks soon to appear.  Groups of teenagers took selfies with their friends, the lighting from the stage still enough to illuminate pictures.  Banjou had already gone back and returned Ladder Ball to his car, plopping down in his chair upon his return. The night was a little chilly now, even for July, so the giant offered his hoodie to Yoriko, who took it with a grateful smile.

The group had moved their chairs so that they were in a half-moon configuration, and Kaneki was surrounded by friends. Hide and Touka were off to his right, Banjou and Yoriko to his left. People all over the field now began to quiet down, anticipation heavy in the air for the fireworks to begin. And Kaneki himself felt a sad kind of peace come over him.  It had started as a small pinprick of feeling as the night had advanced, evolving into more as everyone had settled down.  He felt the ghost of arms holding him, a tender kiss to his temple.  The feel of finger pads tracing the skin of his abdomen.  The look of blue-violet eyes full of love, wholehearted devotion.

The first firework flew high up in the air, bright white against the night sky, and he watched it expand across his field of vision. It was beautiful. His throat felt a little constricted then, his nose burning. And then he recognized his body's response. He was crying.

It was just a slight trickle, a tear sliding slowly down his cheek until it dripped off and onto his lap. And he realized that perhaps the 4th of July would always feel like this in the end, no matter how hard his friends tried to make it different.

"Happy Birthday, Ayato," Kaneki whispered, unheard in the loud explosion of the fireworks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guys ever heard "Glassy Sky" by Donna Burke? It was in Tokyo Ghoul Root A, I think the second episode (fittingly enough, during a Kaneki and Ayato scene). Well, in my head, this is one of my songs for them. It's very beautiful and sad. Just like Kaneki at the end of this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> Come visit me and say hello at tumblr [here!](http://telltaleheartwrites.tumblr.com)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I have been a slug with updating this. I have weird writing habits. I write in layers, and then sit and overthink how I want to say something. What feeling I'm trying to convey. 
> 
> Either way, I'm going to be working on the next chapter this weekend! Hopefully I'll have Chapter 15 up next Saturday. I'm gonna try my hardest. You might have noticed I updated the chapter count above. It might fluctuate by one or two either way. But not much more than that.

_Bzz bzz_.

Kaneki looked away from his work laptop for a moment, eager for a brief distraction from the tedium that is assets and liabilities.  He and Banjou had been given the arduous task of analyzing the gross profits for the last five years of a small company that Tsukiyama Group had recently acquired.  It was not the most entertaining task, to be sure.  Banjou had set his head on his desk at least half an hour ago, soft snores filling the air, crumbs from his afternoon donut scattered across the top of his desk.  

Kaneki unlocked his phone, and a small smile flitted across his face.  He was looking at a picture of an artfully decorated Greek salad, grilled chicken on the side.  Tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, and green pepper were all chopped to perfection, and Kalamata olives were interspersed between the other ingredients.  It was all topped with diced feta cheese.  It looked delicious.  

He was looking at Tsukiyama Shuu's lunch.

The two of them had been exchanging texts back and forth since they had met for coffee, though Kaneki had not seen Shuu at work that week as of yet.  The texting conversations were all light-hearted, and one would be pressed to find any hint of a romantic flavor in their words.  Usually it was in the realm of a "good morning" or "How is your day going?" Which surprised Kaneki a little, in a good way.  When he had exchanged numbers with Shuu, Kaneki had feared that maybe he would have used it as an opportunity to send him multiple texts overflowing with sentiment.  Yet, that hadn't been the case.  Kaneki wondered if Shuu could see just how much he needed to take this slow, get accustomed to the idea of having someone new in his life that wasn't just a friend.

It had actually been Kaneki who sent a picture to Shuu first.  On Tuesday, it had been his night to make dinner.  He had picked out a high-rated lasagna recipe online some time ago, but it had remained bookmarked on his browser.  Feeling adventurous, and wanting to try something new, Kaneki had purchased all of the ingredients needed and set about getting all of the prep work done.  He hummed to himself as he chopped and looked at his tablet for the next set of instructions.  

Touka had whistled in amazement at seeing the assembled ingredients.  "Wow, Kaneki.  You're going for the lasagna tonight?"

"Yep.  And garlic bread."

"What's the occasion?"  Touka poured herself and Kaneki a glass of white wine, leaning on the opposite side of the kitchen island.  She didn't try to hide the fact that she was eyeing him curiously over the rim of her glass.

Kaneki had shrugged.  "I don't know, nothing really.  Just felt like it."  He had looked away from her inquisitive gaze then, not finding it necessary to explain to her how _he wanted things to be different, now_. And in order for that to be possible, it all started with him.

When he had retrieved the finished product from the oven, it had come out perfect.  The cheese was bubbling uniformly over the top layer of the lasagna, no edges crispy or burnt.  He had taken a picture of it while it cooled, sending it to Hinami on a whim.  But then Kaneki eyed his phone again.  Maybe . . . maybe he would send the picture to Shuu, too?  

It might have been the now two glasses of wine in his body, making him feel a little less uptight.  Giving him the courage to send the photo, because Kaneki was at that point feeling good.  So without thinking about it further, he quickly sent it off to Shuu, with the caption, "I made this!  It was my night to cook dinner." 

Shuu had replied back with a comment about how delicious it looked, along with some exclamations in what looked like Italian.  And so began a back and forth between them of pictures that showed their dinner.  Or something like the festival Kaneki came across while biking home on Wednesday.  Last night, Shuu had sent him a picture of the view from his balcony, the night sky bathed in vivid colors as the sun set.  It had been breathtaking.

Kaneki eyed the picture of the salad Shuu had sent once more, hearing the rumble of his own stomach.  He looked over at his lunch.  It was a sad-looking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and some carrot sticks Hide had snuck into his paper lunch bag (Touka had been trying to get both of them to eat more vegetables, and Hide had found a way of disposing of them).  Ugh.

He sent back a quick picture of his own lunch, adding a frowny face.  But then he scrolled up to their conversation over the last few days, taking in the pictures Shuu had sent him before.  They were always of an aesthetically pleasing composition, making Kaneki see that Shuu had quite a level of skill in photography.  He saw it in the lighting of each photo, the angle that he chose to shoot from.  It made him stop and think for a moment, coming to appreciate the fact that Shuu chose to highlight the beauty in something as simple as a picture of a salad.

It was after work on Friday that Kaneki finally saw Shuu for the first time since they had met for coffee six days prior.  He had called it quits before Banjou, who had unsurprisingly not finished his work before it was their usual time to go home.  

"I'll be here another hour or so," Banjou muttered, his fingers flying over the keys.  "No way am I coming in tomorrow.  I'm going on a date with Yoriko."

Kaneki spent a few minutes congratulating Banjou, hefting his messenger back across his chest.  "That's great, man," he said genuinely.  "You nervous?"

"Strangely, no," Banjou stopped working for a moment to meet Kaneki's eyes.  "She somehow makes me feel at ease about everything.  She's fantastic."  This last bit was said as if Banjou was thinking it and hadn't meant to utter it out loud, for now he was gazing past Kaneki at nothing, lost in a reverie of sorts.  A soft smile played on his lips, his entire face relaxed and free.

That was Kaneki's cue to leave.  "Well, let me know how it goes."  And with a wave and a grin, Kaneki was out the door.  

He had just entered the parking garage, heading straight for his heaven on wheels.  The Trek bike continued to glide like a dream down the city streets each day, better in every way when compared to his broken $20 Craigslist bike.  Kaneki wasn't exactly sure how he felt about still keeping the bike.  Part of him squirmed at thinking that someone had spent so much money on him, when a much cheaper option probably had been available.  He still wasn't comfortable with people "helping him out," so to speak.  Since he was a teenager, he had been independent and responsible.  Yet for some reason, he hadn't done more than a surface level search for a bike on the classifieds online, skimming over the listings.  He reasoned that he could give Shuu money towards the cost of what he had spent on the bike some day.  But it wasn't really a pressing thought any longer.  

Kaneki's eyes were on his bike as he thought about his plans for the weekend.  Hide had mentioned ordering a pizza and watching a movie at home for tonight, and both Kaneki and Touka had voiced their opinion on what movie they would see.  She had wanted to watch the most recent Purge movie, despite the fact that both Hide and Kaneki didn't particularly like horror as a movie genre.  Kaneki, on the other hand, was into old foreign movies.

"NOOOO, Kaneki!" Touka had protested.  "Last time you had us watching . . . what was it called again?  That movie where the knight plays chess with Death?"

" _The Seventh Seal_!  It's a great film."  

Touka looked at him incredulously.  "You're crazy.  It was boringgggg.  I say we go with my movie."  Kaneki narrowed his eyes at his friend, trying (fruitlessly) to intimidate her into succumbing to his choice.  

In the end, Hide had groaned at their good-natured bickering.  "That's it.  I'll pick out something."

Kaneki now smiled to himself as he considered what movie Hide would pick out.  Sometimes he went for a superhero movie, and at other times he chose something sci-fi.  On a couple of occasions he had picked out a romantic comedy, and both Kaneki and Touka had looked at him in confusion and exasperation.  "It has a good plot, okay?" Hide had said in his defense.  Kaneki privately thought it was because a very pretty actress was featured.  But you never knew with Nagachika Hideyoshi.  He was always full of surprises.  

"Kaneki Ken," a melodic voice called his name in the parking garage, not especially loud but with just enough volume to be heard.  He knew who it was before he turned around, would know that voice anywhere.  It was like free-flowing water over rock, or the beginning strains of an elaborate musical composition.  Beautiful in its many facets.

Kaneki slowly turned around to see that Tsukiyama Shuu was leaning against his car, still looking quite impeccable in his light gray suit.  Even leaning against his flashy and expensive vehicle, his height was not diminished.  He was all long limbs but with a very pleasing, slight athletic build.  Shuu's gem-like blue eyes shone brilliantly as he gazed at Kaneki.

"Were you . . . waiting for me?" Kaneki asked, walking towards Shuu, stopping a few feet in front of him.  

Shuu hmmmed.  "Yes."  His beautiful eyes didn't waver, but he straightened.  And then he closed the distance between the two of them so that they were separated by less than a foot of parking lot.

"Why?" Kaneki breathed, eyes wide as they roamed over the perfection of Tsukiyama Shuu.  He felt the sudden indelible itch to let his fingertips graze across Shuu's jaw, to let them travel over his light pink lips.  He was certain that they would be soft and smooth.  

"I . . . couldn't hold back anymore," Shuu admitted, brows furrowing infinitesimally.  "I kept thinking about you.  And I wanted to see you."

Kaneki's warm brown eyes panned up to meet Shuu's jewel-blue.  There was a span of some silent seconds between them, and Kaneki felt an urge rise up within him.  He wanted to return Shuu's intensity, wanted to give in to these feelings that he had let gather up inside of him like water behind a dam.  

"You held back?" Kaneki asked tentatively, raising a hand to touch the lapels of Shuu's suit jacket.  Giving in a small piece at a time.  The fabric felt fine under his fingertips, and he pressed his hand flat against Shuu's chest.

Shuu's eyes widened at Kaneki's gesture, but he mastered his surprise quickly.  He placed one of his hands over Kaneki's gently, his hand traveling with Kaneki's continued movement.

"I--yes."  Shuu breathed out, and closed his eyes for a brief moment.  "I don't want to rush you into anything.  It feels like you . . . are figuring things out for yourself.  Yet I can't--I can't seem to stay away from you.  You have done something to me."

Kaneki's hand stilled over Shuu's chest, his hand still covered by Shuu's larger one.  "I think I have figured some things out," Kaneki said softly.

"And what might that be?" Shuu asked, hardly daring to breathe.  Believing that in doing so, or speaking too loudly would tip the scales against him, shatter this moment of quiet confessions.

"I want to see more of you," Kaneki said, not an ounce of hesitation in his voice.  "And not just at work."  He looked down at his feet, a red blush blooming across his cheeks.

"Oh . . . " Shuu whispered, happiness rising inside of him like the steady progression of a hot-air balloon into the sky.  The emotion was a heady feeling, and he stood as one does when they take in the full beauty of an intricate painting.  Kaneki was that painting, exquisite in the way his dark brown hair fell across his forehead, the pleasing placement of his warm eyes,  the bountiful curve of his pouty lips.  How his fair skin was smooth and luminescent, even under the dull lights of the parking garage.  

There were a few beats of silence again, and Kaneki raised his head, eyes contemplating Shuu's reaction to his words.  He tilted his head, seeing Shuu's jewel-blue eyes were wide, lips slightly parted as he stared back at Kaneki.   _Had he said too much?  Was that not what Shuu had wanted to hear?_

"I would like that very much," Shuu said in a rush, the words almost blending together.  

"You would?" Kaneki asked, finding the courage to lace his fingers with Shuu's, and then he let their hands fall between them, still joined.  He wasn't sure, but he thought he felt Shuu's hand twitch.

Shuu nodded.  "Yes."  He huffed out a breath, and it dislodged some of his perfectly styled lavender hair.  He tucked it behind his ear distractedly, and then refocused on Kaneki.  "I was wondering if . . . " and now his jaw seemed to clench as if in tension.  

"If you would like to come over for dinner tomorrow night."

Oh.  

Dinner?  At Tsukiyama Shuu's house?

Kaneki felt a myriad of feelings at hearing the question, and his thoughts bounced against each other, fighting for dominance.  His face immediately felt hot again, and now he was tightening his fingers around Shuu's longer, thinner fingers.  He felt indecision as a gut reaction, but as the seconds continued on, these varying strains of thoughts seemed to coalesce together until there were only two separate modes of consideration.

He _wanted_ to go.

But was he ready?

He really wasn't sure about that last thought, and it rankled around in his mind like a child kicking a can on the sidewalk.  There were still so many thoughts and feelings that he had to work through.  He still felt fear and sadness _everyday_ , though he was able to manage it better than he had a few months ago.  It no longer ate at him like acid on flesh, but it was still enough to cause him discomfort, if he allowed himself to dally around in memories of days long gone by.

"Uh--umm."  Kaneki glanced fleetingly at Shuu for a moment to see Shuu gazing steadily back at him, not rushing him into an answer.  Giving him room to come to a decision for himself.  And then Kaneki had his answer.  

"Yes," Kaneki said, without hesitation, his voice matching the sudden resolution in his mind.  Because it was time for a change.  He was _ready_ to change.  And because he felt that healing wasn't something that suddenly happened all at once.  POOF and it's all better was not a reality.  Healing was a journey, and maybe right now he was on top of a metaphorical hill, able to see how far he had come.  He was proud of himself, though he knew there were many other hills to climb up and seek out.  

And somehow, he had come to put his trust in Shuu.  Tsukiyama Shuu, who he had initially judged to be simply a gaudy, gorgeous, asshole.  And nothing more.  But a lot had changed since their first meeting.  Kaneki was excellent at reading people, and he could see Shuu's genuine intent in his face, hear it in his words.  He felt comfortable around him.  As if there were no walls caging him in and forcing him to act.  This was all on Kaneki, and he felt at ease with his decision.   But first--

"You have to know something, though," Kaneki said, his eyes now locked on Shuu's.  "I'm still kinda . . . messed up over something.  Someone.  It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still go to see a therapist about it.  And I won't be ready for a lot of things."  Kaneki braced himself for rejection, holding his shoulders tight, not even realizing how he now gripped Shuu's hand quite firmly in his own.  Because why would anybody want to deal with his emotional baggage?  Attempt to tolerate his continued occasional depression when he let thoughts of midnight blue hair and indigo eyes surround him until he couldn't see straight, couldn't breathe, with tears falling fast down his face?

"I would do anything for a chance of being with you," Shuu said, his voice deep with passion "I--I . . . hmmm."  He brows furrowed again as if he were holding back words he wanted to say.  Instead he chose different words, this time in a voice much move even, "We can take this as slow as you want.  You tell me what you're comfortable with, if we are moving too fast.  And I'll stop what it is I'm doing.  Right then and there.  Does that . . . sound okay to you?"

Kaneki frowned then, remembering something else entirely.  His thoughts flickered to the memory of seeing Shuu bathed in the light of the setting sun, thrusting into Nishio Nishiki from behind.  How Shuu's entire body radiated heat and physical prowess as he stared at Kaneki, something Kaneki could see from half a room away.

"But wouldn't you get bored with that?  Impatient with me? I saw you, you know.  You seem like you would need . . . the physical aspect of being with someone.  And I, I just can't do that with you right now, it needs to mean more to me than--" 

Kaneki could process the fact that he was rambling now, and it was only when Shuu raised his free hand to gently touch his cheek that he stopped speaking.  But his brown eyes were a question as he looked to Shuu for an answer.  

Shuu gazed at him for a moment longer, his hand exploring Kaneki's face.  His palm was hot on Kaneki's cheek, long fingertips tracing over his eyebrow.  Slowly, Shuu let his thumb graze over Kaneki's bottom lip.  Without conscious thought, Kaneki's lips parted slightly, warm breath coating Shuu's warm digit.

"You are different than anybody else," Shuu said quietly, eyes intently looking at his thumb as it moved back across Kaneki's lip.  "Just being around you is more than enough. . . I can't really put the feeling into words.  But I see something about you.  Something that is . . . so precious.  And I would never do anything to harm that."  Shuu was silent for a few beats before continuing.   "I would gladly sit in silence near you for hours on end."

 _Oh_.

Kaneki's heart felt full, then.  Swelling at the genuine nature of Shuu's words, the feeling that swirled around him.  It had been so long since he had felt this way about another man, and it left him with an unsteady feeling about what he should be doing or how he should act.  But then he remembered Shuu saying that they could take this as slow as Kaneki wanted, and it slowed the rapid beating of his heart.  Shuu's words had put most of Kaneki's fears to rest.  Leaving only a desire to explore . . . whatever it was that they were becoming, whatever direction they were taking together.

"Will you kiss me?" Kaneki asked, eyes clear as he caught and held Shuu's gaze.

Shuu's whole body stiffened, thumb halting through its second circuit across Kaneki's lip. "Is that something you want right now?" He barely let himself consider how much he wanted that, to press both of their lips together again and again.  He feared that a lot of his intense feelings toward Kaneki would come pouring out, though he had tried to keep them in check.  Shuu's worst fear would be him doing something that would push Kaneki away from him. 

"Yes," Kaneki breathed out, taking that final step toward Shuu.  No distance now separating them as Kaneki tentatively set his hands on Shuu's waist.

Tsukiyama Shuu slowly and reverently tilted Kaneki's face upward, blue-gem eyes continuing to gaze into warm brown.  Kaneki felt his body relax, and then his eyes closed as Shuu's lips touched lightly against his.

Kaneki gave himself up to the feeling of Shuu's body touching his, one of Shuu's hands supporting his jaw and the other holding fast to his shoulder.  It felt surprisingly easy for Kaneki to let his happen, to be moving forward.  To not let the bindings of the past hold him down.  He relished the delicate way in which Shuu held on to him, treating him with care and respect.  And something in him surged triumphantly into that feeling, sensing how he was somehow revered by this man he had only known for just over a month.  But that somehow didn't matter.  He was no longer going to let himself be bogged down by nagging apprehensions.  It was past time, it was his time to let go of his fear.

Shuu's lips didn't move for a moment, continuing their gentle press against Kaneki's.  They were parted the tiniest bit, his minty breath escaping from his mouth and warming Kaneki's lips.  It was as if he wanted to absorb the feeling of that moment, the realization of where they were taking it.  Cherishing the fact that it was Kaneki who had voiced his wish for a kiss.  And it overwhelmed Shuu at first.  Because he was finally kissing Kaneki Ken, something he had only fantasized about, never really thinking it possible to happen.  

Kaneki made a muffled noise from his throat, perhaps a small moan.  And that's all it took for Shuu to jolt out of his momentary stillness.  He began to kiss Kaneki in earnest then, mouths coming together again and again, moving across the diameter of each other's lips, heads tilting into the now heated exchange.  Kaneki tightened his grip on the fabric of Shuu's pants near his hips, enjoying the level of intimacy between them.  

A moment later, Kaneki pulled back.  He gazed wide-eyed at Shuu, and those beautiful gem-like eyes stared back, sweeping across Kaneki's face and trying to pick up on his reaction.  So when Kaneki smiled sweetly, his cheeks coloring under Shuu's intense scrutiny, Shuu found he could relax.

"What time for tomorrow, Shuu?"

"Seven?"  Kaneki nodded.  "I would like to send my car for you, if you wouldn't mind."

"Your car?" Kaneki asked quizzically, an eyebrow raised.

"Yes.  It would be easier that way to gain entry into my building.  But if you don't prefer that, I can make other arrangements."

"Uhhh."  Kaneki felt awkward, not having ever really been exposed to tremendously wealthy people before.  "Okay?  Sure?"

"I'll text you with the details then."  Shuu was smiling exuberantly at Kaneki then, so bright and magnetizing that he had to look away after a few seconds.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then,"  Kaneki said with a small wave, a smile still on his face as he turned towards his bike.  Shuu exhaled as he watched him walk away, a mixture of so many happy feelings overlapping each other in his heart.

Kaneki was biking home slowly, lost in thought the whole way.  At the moment, he was not nervous for dinner at Shuu's house.  It was excitement and attraction and a sense of connection that coursed through him.  He felt almost as if he were floating on a surreal cloud of bliss.  It had been _so_ long since he felt this free, this relaxed.  

But then he remembered that Touka and Hide would find out about his date tomorrow.  And he would have to see their curious eyes, their smirks.  He sighed, though a fond smile crept onto his face.   _Just great._

 

 

* * *

 

"I don't feel . . . angry . . . at him anymore.  I don't--I don't," Kaneki paused, feeling his cheeks redden with emotion.  He desperately searched his mind for a way to put his feelings into words.  "But there's still a part of me that wishes I knew why he did it.  Because I know that he loved me.  But lately I've been trying to just let it go.  Realize that I won't always get answers to those questions."

Dr. Itori hmmed, studying Kaneki's face, the way his agitated hands kept moving over and over the other.  Clearly, the subject of Ayato still brought him some level of distress.  But the fact that he was able to talk about his ex, when compared to his previous attempts, was encouraging.  

"Your day to day emotional state over the last weeks since I've seen you.  How would you describe it?"

Kaneki considered her question for a moment.  "Uh--I guess content?  I'm happy sometimes.  I work a lot, so I'm usually focused on that."

The ten minute alarm went off, warning Dr. Itori that Kaneki's appointment time was running out.  He had been speaking of his past for a while now, how he coped with his feelings of dejection when they suddenly hit.  His emotional status during the months immediately following his break up with Ayato.  It had only been the last few minutes that they had started talking about Ayato himself, how Kaneki felt when he thought of him.  His immediate reaction.  

"I think your mind is very resilient," Dr. Itori began musingly.  "You are able to come up with your own way of dealing with complex emotions very efficiently.  Obviously, the topic of your former lover is still quite a sensitive one.  Which is completely understandable.  But you have come so far with working on yourself, feeling more confident and seeing your own self-worth.  That is often the most difficult of hurdles to get through.  You are to be commended for that."

Kaneki simply smiled politely, feeling relief that his appointment was nearing its end.  During the time of the actual appointment, the words he spoke and the questions Dr. Itori asked brought up memories and feelings that stung at him.  Something that was never pleasant.  But when he left and headed for home, he often felt invigorated.  That he was doing something and getting better.  Actively working to get himself back to a healthier mindset.  

"In addition," she continued, "It is okay to have moments or hours where you may feel hopeless.  But the goal is progress.  It's learning to accept and move on.  To look at what you're feeling and analyzing what is making you feel that way.  To be honest with yourself about what you feel comfortable handling.  And I think you have begun to realize all of these things.  Putting them into practice.  You have come a long way, Kaneki."

Kaneki felt his eyes almost water, briefly thinking back over the last month and a half or so.  Remembering Hide crying, pleading for him to start seeing his therapist again.  Drinking lemonade with Touka on their balcony, relaxing in the summer breeze.  Teasing Banjou good-naturedly about his donut addiction.  And when he remembered how he used to visit bars, a wave of disgust washed over him.  He would never be that person again.  Though he still doubted himself occasionally, he no longer needed to rely on sex with strange men as a crutch.  He could make himself feel better now.  Choose what made him happy and actively pursue that. 

"Now.  Is there anything else you would like to talk about in the remaining time we have left?"  Dr. Itori folded her hands in her lap, relaxed.

"I . . . " Kaneki began tentatively, "went on a coffee date last weekend.  And tomorrow he is making me dinner at his house."

"Oh?" Dr. Itori raised her eyebrows, clearly surprised.  "What do you feel for this man?  Are you two dating?  Is he a boyfriend?"

"No no no," Kaneki waved his hands at her.  "We uh . . . we are casually seeing each other.  We are taking it slow."

"Was that his idea or yours?"

"Both of ours, I guess?  We talked about how I wouldn't be ready for a lot of things.  That I would need time to grow comfortable with the idea of seeing someone.  So he told me that we could take it as slow as I wanted, that I would just need to tell him if I was uncomfortable."  Kaneki smiled at the memory, remembering Shuu's eyes on him, his touch, his lips on his.  

"We will have to discuss this more in depth next time I see you!  On a side note, I hope that he is a good cook."

Kaneki laughed lightly, his head touching the back of the loveseat he was sitting on.  So he didn't see the pleased smile on his therapist's face, not really having heard Kaneki laugh before.

"I hope so, too."

As Kaneki got up to leave a few minutes later, Dr. Itori seemed to remember something.  "Ah, Kaneki, I would like to ask you something.  It completely escaped my mind."  The therapist smacked herself lightly on the forehead with a wry smile on her face, as if to chastise herself for forgetting.  "Uta and I are going to lunch in a few minutes.  And he asked me to inquire whether or not you would like to join us?  It's a very casual lunch, at this bistro a few minutes walk from here."

"Oh," Kaneki said slowly, putting his hands in his pockets.  "I would like that, actually."  He hadn't seen Uta but once since the social mixer about three weeks ago, and that was just in passing.  They had texted back and forth every now and then since then, a friendly banter between them.

The small restaurant was something like a sandwich shop, featuring homemade breads that you could buy separately if you so chose to.  The sandwich that Kaneki ordered was turkey with a garlic cheese bread, delicious.  He made a note to order a loaf of it before he left.  Hide was a fan with anything that featured a garlicy taste.  While Touka often made herself a cheese platter to snack on.  So maybe two loaves.

Kaneki was amazed by the easy conversation that flowed between himself, Uta, and Dr. Itori.  "Just Itori," she insisted,  yet again.  They had taken their sandwiches to a table outside, surrounded by others who were lunching on the tasty wares of the restaurant.  Uta talked about his clients at the tattoo parlor, stoic as usual.  He told them how one of his clients--a burly, loud, athlete with a booming voice--fainted two minutes into getting tattooed.  Kaneki grinned at the story, not sure that he would ever be able to get a tattoo.  Itori talked about how rabbits were attacking her vegetable garden in her backyard, completely ruining quite a few plants.  

It was so easy spending time with the two of them, though Kaneki had thought it might be strange to have a casual lunch with his therapist.  But that wasn't the case.  Itori didn't change when they left her house.  She was just as opinionated, funny, and loud as they were earlier during his appointment.  She had long since put Kaneki at ease with talking to her, and he imagined that even if they weren't client and patient, they would have struck up some sort of friendship.

When they were almost finished with their lunch, Itori excused herself to go and say hi to a friend that had just entered the restaurant.  Uta smiled slightly at Kaneki, tilting his head to the side in appraisal.

"Kaneki."  

Kaneki looked over at Uta.  "Yeah?"

"You look happier.  Happier than I last saw you." 

Uta saying that make Kaneki flush shyly with pleasure.   "Thank you.  I _am_ happier."

"I wanted to ask you something, if I may."  Uta took a sip of his tea, waiting patiently for Kaneki's answer.  He looked as if he could never be rushed, taking his time with everything.  Dealing with everything on his own terms.  And Kaneki admired him for that.

"Sure.  Ask away."

"I wanted to know . . . if you were seeing anyone?"

Kaneki's eyes widened, wondering.  Why was Uta asking this so suddently?  Was he still . . . interested?  So he opened his mouth to speak.  Saying what, he knew not.

"Please, do not worry yourself."  Uta moved forward in his chair, voice lowering as he spoke to Kaneki.  "I fully understand that I am not dating material.  My schedule is unpredictable and harsh.  And that . . . had we continued what we started that night in my home, it would have been just that.  Nothing more.  That is why I much prefer us to be friends."

"Oh," Kaneki said, confused and at a loss for words.  "Then what--?"

"Seeing you now, in much better spirits than three weeks ago, is very pleasing.  It suits you.  I am wondering if you would consider a blind date?  I have this friend that I think you would like, if you gave him a chance."  Uta relaxed in his chair, eyes subtly gazing over at Kaneki.  Assessing his reaction.

"Ah, well, the thing is, I am seeing someone.  It's all so new." Kaneki smiled again at the thought of Shuu.  How beautiful and thoughtful he was.  "I'm seeing him tonight, actually.  For our second date."

"I see," Uta said in his quiet and calm voice.  "I am glad for you, of course.  Happiness looks very appealing on you." 

Kaneki replied swiftly to hold back a shy flush coming over his face.  "I'm sorry that I can't go on this blind date with your friend." 

"There's nothing to be sorry about."  A rare, small smile crossed Uta's face then.  And not for the first time did Kaneki see how beautiful Uta was, in his own way.  "I was just hoping that I could convince him to meet somebody.  He's been down for a while now.  And he asked me to go with him to a wedding in a couple months.  Not exactly my forte."

"So you were trying to pawn him off on me?" Kaneki asked with a grin.  

Uta laughed quietly, sort of shrugging.  "I guess you can say that."

Kaneki shook his head in amusement.  "You aren't . . .interested in him?"

"Definitely not."  Uta decidedly shook his head.  "We both are not each other's type."

They were both silent for a moment.  But Kaneki, feeling an excitement grow in him at the thought of seeing Shuu in a few hours, felt the need to send his well-wishes to those around him.

"I hope that your friend manages to find happiness with someone else."

Uta noisily exhaled through his nose.  On anyone else, Kaneki would have called it a snort.  

"I doubt it.  Not for a while, anyways.  He's quite stubborn, you see."  

 

* * *

 

Kaneki had consciously chosen not to tell Hide and Touka about his dinner plans.  Not out of any nervousness per se.  Rather, it sprang from the fact that he knew his friends very well.  And should he have told them about it yesterday, he would have had to endure both of their reactions.

Hide, of course, wouldn't be so bad.  He would be excited for Kaneki, to be sure.  Accepting what Kaneki said with a nod of his head as he considered the information.  But then he would start slyly grinning at Kaneki out of the corner of his eye, unable to rein in his glee.  And then pretending to be deep in thought while asking ridiculous questions that would make Kaneki exasperated more than anything else.  Like: "So uh, Kaneki.  How do you know this guy doesn't collect his fingernails after he clips them?"  or  "Do you think he's the type of person that eats both of his Twix bars at once or one bar and then the other?"  When he had dated Brett back in high school, Hide had often posed some of these same types of questions to Kaneki.  And over time Kaneki had just pretended he hadn't heard his best friend ask his annoying questions.

Touka was a cat of a different color, however.  She was always . . . kind of . . . hovering over him like a mother hen, hemming and hawing at him if he did something that she considered out of line.  And she was incredibly protective, would want to know the exact details of his night.  So he could just imagine that if he had told her earlier about his dinner plans, she would have spent the last 24 hours cooing over him.  Making sure what he was wearing was appropriate.  Asking him if he had thought to buy a gift.  And then stopping to look at him fondly, her indigo eyes speaking for her when she knew that further questions and comments would not be received well.

So after Kaneki got home from his lunch with Uta and Itori, he feigned non-chalance with his friends, getting more details about the loan application Touka had submitted for the hair salon she wanted to open.  Agreeing to plans with Hide to get fitted for their tuxes, the wedding just two and a half months away now.  He got up after a bit from where they had all settled on seats on the balcony, sauntering into his room, going into the bathroom for another shower.  

It was in there that he felt himself fully relax, slowly going through the motions of bathing.  He closed his eyes while he lathered shampoo through the fine strands of his dark brown hair.  Letting the warm water cascade over his face when he rinsed the soap off.  Breathed deeply when pressing a washcloth over his body, covering himself in a fragrant body wash that felt soothing against his skin.  

He moved on to considering his face in the mirror, deciding that he should shave.  Each coarse-sounding swipe of his razor against his skin felt good, as did the slight sting of aftershave across his jaw and chin.  He blew dry his hair while his mind drifted, not focused on anything in particular.  Relaxed.  Taking his time.  Actively choosing this route of approach, fighting down any sudden shoots of anxiety that tried to worm their way into his mind.

Finally, he finished his routine in the bathroom and he sighed.  Knowing that if his friends didn't know by now that something was up, they would shortly.  He carefully cracked open the bathroom door, feeling the cooler air seep in over his feet, against his face.  Silence.  Well maybe they were still outside on the balcony?  Yet this thought faded when he stepped fully out into the hallway.

"Kanekiiiiiiii," came Touka's voice from the living room.

"What?" He moved towards his room.  He spoke without any particular inflection, hanging on to his feelings of calm and purpose.  

"You spent a lot of time in the bathroom.  The jig's up.  Where are you going tonight?"

"Out."  And then he shut his bedroom door.  Well, that part was certainly easy.  He paused just inside his room, considering.  With a quick flick of his wrist, he locked his door.  You could never have too many precautions around those two, when they were feeling wily.

He took his time in getting ready, another intentional action.  Shuu had informed him earlier that day that his transportation would show up at 6:30, leaving him plenty of time to finish getting ready.  So he deliberately slipped on a pair of non-descript boxer briefs and a white undershirt slowly.  Carefully looked over his clothing choices, knowing full well that he had something appropriate.  Due, in part, to the gifts that Hinami and Touka insisted on getting for him each birthday and Christmas, because, in their opinions, a wardrobe of jeans and hoodies was just being lazy.  He didn't mind their version of being lazy, if it meant being comfortable in his skin.

The first prickles of agitation began to make themselves known, and he couldn't completely batten them down.  So he took a few deep breaths, letting the analytical part of his mind take over.  Considered wearing that pair of pants with that shirt.  Then dismissed that shirt in favor of another choice.  This strategy seemed to work, for soon he was dressed in a pair of slim-fitting khaki chinos, a white button-down with the sleeves rolled up to just under his elbows, and a navy vest.  No tie.  Still keeping mostly calm, Kaneki considered his reflection in the mirror attached to his closet.  The colors went well together.  He didn't look too formal, but at the same time it was a couple steps up from a casual night out with friends.

Kaneki checked the time on his phone.  6:22 p.m.  Wonderful.  He messed with his hair a little, deciding not to use hair product.  Letting it do its natural thing, falling across his forehead, strands of varying lengths curving around the shape of his head.  And then he was ready.

He stepped out of his room, forcing deep breaths into his lungs.  Those nervous thoughts were beginning to delve a little deeper into his psyche now, and it was getting quite difficult to push them down.  In the kitchen, Hide and Touka were working together on making dinner, and they both looked up at the same time as Kaneki came into view.

They must have read him perfectly, as usual, for Touka's eyes weren't twinkling with the potential to tease nor was Hide grinning at him in sly amusement.  

"Kaneki?" Touka questioned, a hand still gripping a knife that had been chopping lettuce.  

"I'm . . . going to dinner at his house," Kaneki said steadfastly, looking at the space between his friends, swallowing heavily.  

There was a pause.  "Well, have a nice time," Touka said with a small smile.  Hide nodded his agreement.  Kaneki said nothing, noticing how their behavior was so very unlike both of them, but appreciating that they held back from teasing him.  He walked over to a nearby cabinet, taking out a bottle of red wine.  The sommelier at the fancy store he had visited on his way home earlier had assured him that what he had recommended came from a well-received vintage.  So Kaneki had purchased it, trusting in his wisdom.

He smiled in parting at both of his friends as he headed over to the door.  His fingers were just grasping the door knob when Touka called out to him.

"Kaneki, wait."  And then she was rushing towards him, her arms snaking around his waist, pulling him close.  She set her head gently on his shoulder, saying softly, "I love you."  

Kaneki felt his eyes almost water for the second time that day. He closed his eyes as he set his head on Touka's, his own arms winding around her to say all those volumes of words he couldn't voice.  How both her and Hide meant the world to Kaneki, how he would probably still be fixed on a crash course if it hadn't been for them.  How he appreciated the support they provided without even thinking about it, would give anything to make sure he was happy and safe.  That he would do the same for them in a heartbeat.  That he had finally come to a place where he again accepted how much both of them cared about him, instead of pushing it away and thinking he didn't deserve it.

"Love you too," Kaneki whispered.  When he opened his eyes, Hide was gazing at the pair of them affectionately, a small smile lighting up his sunny features.  Communicating without a lot of words, just like Kaneki was able to.  And then he was making his way outside, shutting the front door behind him, his heart full of tenderness for his two best friends.

There was a relatively small limousine idling at the curb when Kaneki made his way outside, a chauffeur waiting patiently by its side.  Kaneki felt his eyes widen.  He was not accustomed to such luxury, and he didn't exactly know the protocol here.  So he walked steadily forward, mouth opening to initiate the converation.  But the driver beat him to it.

"Good evening, sir.  My name is Yuuma.  I shall be your chaffeur tonight."  He moved to open a door for Kaneki.

"Thank you, Yuuma."

Yuuma nodded politely, shutting the door behind Kaneki.  He got a good look around, noting that although it wasn't the biggest limousine he had even seen, it was quite luxurious.  The seats were smooth, black leather.  The windows were blacked out, so he could see out but there was no possiblilty of anyone seeing in, and the same held for the moonroof.  The tint was such that it painted the summer's evening sky to a deep pinkish-orange.  There was a console to the side that held heavy-looking crystal tumblers.  But beside those was a bottle of opened champagne on ice, next to a set of champagne flutes.  Kaneki understood that this was put out for him to enjoy in the time it took to arrive at Shuu's home.  And so despite the minor nervousness that had crept into his stomach, which felt like a centipede wriggling around inside of him, he poured himself a small amount of the bubbling liquid.

The limousine glided through the city's streets, pedestrians glancing briefly at the vehicle before continuing on.  Kaneki looked out at the buildings they passed, sipping slowly at the champagne, the drink surprisingly easing the ache in his stomach.  Yuuma drove through the heart of downtown, taking Kaneki to the richer area of the city.  Ten minutes more, and Yuuma was slowing to turn into a small driveway, stopping to press a FOB against a machine of some sort.  They were moving forward again, looking to be in some sort of private garage, and Kaneki knew they were in the right place when he saw Shuu's car.  

A moment more, and Yuuma was opening Kaneki's door for him.  "This way, if you would, sir."  Yuuma led the way towards an elevator, stepping in for a brief moment to press his FOB again against the display.  It seemed to accept the badge's access privileges, for it made a pleasant dinging noise.  

"Enjoy your evening, sir."  

"Thank you," Kaneki said politely, hoping his voice didn't betray how nervous he was suddenly becoming.  If he noticed, Yuuma didn't mention it, merely nodding his head and exiting the elevator.  The doors closed behind him, and then Kaneki felt it moving upwards, how many floors he passed, he knew not.  Too suddenly it seemed, they were opening once again.  And Kaneki Ken was stepping forward into Tsukiyama Shuu's penthouse apartment. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me and reading this story! I was going to keep the dinner date in this chapter. But with my writing and tendency to let a segment stew longer than necessary, it would have taken too long for me to update. Plus, I wanted this chapter to be about Kaneki's change in the way he thinks about himself, about relating to other people. So the next chapter will primarily focus on Kaneki and Shuu. You'll see. :)
> 
> Let me know what you think! Or come chat with me on tumblr [here](http://telltaleheartwrites.tumblr.com).


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter. Near the beginning, Shuu is singing along to Edith Piaf's "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien." Kaneki comes in near the last third of the song. [Here](http://www.metrolyrics.com/non-je-ne-regrette-rien-lyrics-edith-piaf.html) is where I went for translated lyrics to the song. 
> 
> Thank you for the nice comments the last couple of chapters, it definitely made me happy and I felt motivated to keep writing! And for the nice messages on tumblr, I didn't expect that. Thank you.

Kaneki was hit with an overwhelming sense of everything all at once, and he paused just a couple of steps outside of the elevator, adjusting, hands gripping the bottle of wine and holding it securely against his stomach. The first thing, the loudest, the one that grabbed his attention was the music.

_Non, Rien de rien_

And Tsukiyama Shuu's beautiful, rich baritone.

_Non, Je ne regrette rien_

Kaneki half-closed his eyes for a matter of seconds, his ears filling with what was most certainly a song sung in French. The woman's voice was powerful, lilting. Singing words that Kaneki could not understand. Accompanied by an orchestral arrangement. He found himself wishing that he had taken French in high school, to be able to understand what she was most passionately singing about. Though he could feel the strength behind it.

_Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait_

Shuu sang flawlessly along with the lyrics. No hesitation in the way he contributed his own voice to the mix, harmonizing with the female singer. Kaneki took a couple of steps forward into the entryway, a luxuriously decorated apartment coming into view. But for all of its eloquence and glamour, it took a backseat to what Kaneki saw straight ahead in the kitchen.

_Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal_

The kitchen itself was cleanly decorated and spacious, high-end appliances all belonging to the same design aesthetic adorning the room. Light brown hardwood floors wound their way through the rest of the home. The panels in the kitchen were off-white, almost pearlescent. A large bay window revealed a stunning view of the city outside, buildings now bathed in the dazzling light of the setting sun. The countertops interspersed throughout the kitchen were of a gray granite design. The entire area was lit from above with recessed fixtures, illuminating the kitchen in a shade of cool white light.

_Non, Rien de rien_

But though the kitchen decor itself was beautiful, giving off an aura of vibrant cleanliness and cheerful activity, it did not match the sudden vivacity seen in Tsukiyama Shuu. He was turned so that his body was in profile, dressed in dark gray dress pants and a fitted white v-neck t-shirt. Kaneki could see the lithe muscles in his arms, in his chest, the t-shirt revealing his supple upper body. The strands of his lavender-dyed hair looked soft, but were styled neatly as usual, not a hair out of place. He was, of course, nothing less than exquisitely beautiful.

_Non, Je ne regrette rien_

Shuu was absorbed in singing along to the song, but he was also using a pastry brush to spread some sort of glaze over what looked like a dessert of some kind. Kaneki breathed in deeply, taking a couple more tentative steps into the apartment, taking in all of the mouthwatering scents at once. He couldn't even begin to describe how wonderful it all smelled. The air was sweet with the scent of cooked apples but also savory with that of seasoned beef. But that was just the tip of the iceberg, and Kaneki blanched, overwhelmed this time at the fact that it was obvious Shuu had gone through a lot of effort for this dinner date. Though his brown eyes didn't stray from Shuu's elegant figure, he sensed that there wasn't anybody else around, and he found himself wondering if Shuu had done this all by himself.

_Car ma vie, car mes joies_

As he waited, rooted to his spot some ten feet away from Shuu, he felt his body warming all over in fond appreciation for Tsukiyama Shuu. It loosened his stiff muscles, colored his pale cheeks with a healthy blush. The thread of heat reached his heart, and he felt all of his apprehensions dissipate. The ice of uncertainty melting. And he found himself stepping forward, slowly approaching the counter across from Shuu.

_Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi--_

Shuu looked up then, sensing his presence. "Kaneki!" His eyes gleamed, and he came around the counter, stopping to turn the volume down on his speakers with a remote. Kaneki turned his body to meet him, a genuinely shy but eager smile blooming on his face.

"You are here! I am very pleased to see you!" Shuu leaned forward and kissed Kaneki on the cheek softly, his tremendous excitement quite obvious as seen with the way the smile would not leave his face. The almost formal way of addressing him. How his eyes continued to sparkle the longer he gazed at Kaneki. How he had placed a hand gently on Kaneki's shoulder upon approaching him, and yet how it remained after the chaste kiss. "You look great. Welcome to my home."

"I am glad to see you, too," Kaneki said composedly. "And thank you. I brought this for you, I hope you like it. I wasn't sure which kind of wine you preferred, but the sommelier recommended this one." He held the bottle of wine out to Shuu, and the recipient seemed to treat it like it had been a priceless artifact, one of a kind.

"Thank you," Shuu said as he took it, gem blue eyes flickering down to look at the label for a brief couple of seconds before looking back up to Kaneki. "I actually haven't tried this kind before, but perhaps we should have a glass of it tonight?"

"Whatever you would like." Kaneki brought both of his palms together in order to keep his hands occupied, looking around the kitchen. "Is there something I could do to help you with dinner?" Kaneki knew that he was a little competent in the kitchen, growing steadily with his skill level. But just one look at the dessert made him realize that he had a ways to go yet.

"Ah, no, but I appreciate it. Everything is pretty much good to go, except for me." Shuu gestured to his own white t-shirt, looking apologetic. "I'm going to get changed in a moment. Would you like some wine while you wait?"

His sapphiric eyes continued to gaze at Kaneki as he spoke. "Uh, sure?" Kaneki realized how ineloquent that sounded, and amended it by quickly adding, "That would be great."

Shuu smiled again, moving back around the counter. "Would you like a chilled white wine, or perhaps a red? The white is a little on the sweeter side, while the red I have is a little drier." He took a wine glass out from a cupboard.

"The white, please." Kaneki was no wine connoisseur, but he knew what he liked and what he didn't. He was not a fan of dry, red wine, and he found himself wondering if that was the kind that he had purchased for Shuu.

Shuu moved neither hurriedly nor slowly in his kitchen. Rather, he moved with a fluid efficiency, having no trouble uncorking the bottle he brought forth from a wine refrigerator. He was soon back at Kaneki's side with a glass of it.

"I will be back in a moment. Feel free to make yourself at home." Shuu gestured to his expansive living area, complete with fancy furniture and bay windows lining the walls. Kaneki nodded, wide-eyed as he took in his surroundings. But then there was a gentle press of lips at the corner of his mouth, Shuu's warm body quite close to his. Kaneki inhaled sharply, surprised. He could detect the scent of sweet but tart apples, and he figured that Shuu must have sampled some while he cooked. But then Shuu was moving slowly away, leaving Kaneki with a supremely happy but gentle smile.

Kaneki watched him walk towards a set of stairs, disappearing at the top. He breathed out deeply, sipping at his wine. It was sweet, but not overly so. Just how he liked it. With Shuu's invitation to make himself feel welcome in mind, Kaneki stepped away from the immediate kitchen area and towards what he thought was the living area.

It was huge, to be sure, and he reminded himself that having the penthouse apartment meant that Shuu's home encompassed the width and length of the top of the building. He could only stop and stare in amazement, at first, as he approached the first set of furniture. The living room seemed to be separated by three different compartments, so to speak, the windows slightly curved in to make the separations more pronounced. At the end that Kaneki was currently standing by, there was a glass dining room table, stylish chairs surrounding it, room for eight or so people. In the middle section, an elegant-looking light gray wraparound couch was the highlight, accompanied by two matching chairs and a rather large flat screen television. And the last section featured another couch and chair set, with a large glass coffee table in the middle. Maybe for entertaining guests?

The entire set up, was, in short, a display of sophisticated furnishings. And very expensively decorated. Yet, to Kaneki, it read completely peaceful and inviting. The curtains on the windows were all pushed to the side, so Shuu or whoever his guest might be could see the expanse of the city outside. The colors of the furniture were light and the style pretty. Open. Not hiding. As seen with the glass dining room and coffee table. And he thought it said a lot about Shuu. That he had chosen to decorate his place in such a style that maybe reflected how his mind worked. It was such a stark contrast to the Tsukiyama Group headquarters, the chiaroscuro aesthetic seen throughout the entire building.

Kaneki lingered near one of the windows, taking another sip of wine. The city was beautiful from this vantage point, the streets still alive with activity. He let his eyes follow the paths of cars and taxis below, meandering around until nearby buildings cut off his line of sight. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but then quite suddenly Shuu was by his side, not too close but not too far away. Like he had been when they examined the painting together in his office.

"You have a beautiful home," Kaneki stated, turning towards Shuu. Shuu smiled softly, his eyes still on the sights below.

"You don't think it's . . . too much?" he questioned, hands in his pockets. Kaneki tilted his head to the side, hearing the earnest tone of Shuu's voice, sincerely wanting to hear his opinion. But Kaneki got distracted by how Shuu was now dressed. He had kept his dark gray dress pants, and Kaneki now noticed that they fit extremely well. Most likely tailored for his specific body proportions. Shuu was now also wearing a white button down and plum colored tie. He looked immaculately polished, as usual, and Kaneki felt a moment of disquiet. How was it possible that someone like Shuu, someone so interesting and wealthy and gorgeous, be interested in someone like him?

Kaneki turned back to the window, a rush of uncertainty flooding in, his mouth curved into a small frown. It was moments like this where Shuu's interest in him just didn't make sense, and Kaneki found himself wondering what he was doing there. Maybe he should leave, like right now, save himself any future disappointments once Shuu realized that he was nobody particularly interesting, he was a _nobody_. Just Kaneki who thought making lasagna on a Tuesday night was something special. He closed his eyes, trying to summon the courage to tell Shuu that maybe this wasn't going to work after all. Because Kaneki felt the disparity in . . . in everything they were. And maybe evevrything they ever would be.

"Kaneki? Are you alright?" There was concern in Shuu's voice as he spoke, but Kaneki didn't turn to face him, keeping quiet. Trying to find the right words. A handful of seconds passed, and Shuu moved in between Kaneki and the window. A gentle hand tilted Kaneki's face up, and he saw Shuu considering him with a mixture of anxiety and concern. "What is it? Talk to me. Please."

"I--I. I just . . . you . . . " Kaneki felt himself stammering, not able to get the right words out. "Why?"

"Why what?" Shuu began to gently guide his hand over the skin on the side of his neck, repeating the soothing motion. It calmed the forceful motion of Kaneki's mind, and despite his intentions, he leaned into the touch.

"I don't understand . . . why you are interested in me. You--you are all this," and here Kaneki gestured widely at Shuu and then at the interior of his home, "and I am . . . not. You're gorgeous, and--and . . . people flock to you. But me. I'm not like that. I am plain, and uninteresting . . ."

"You are **not**." Shuu said this decidedly, with passion. "You are many things, Kaneki. From that first day I met you, I saw the strength behind you, the will to fight for what you want. I see how people flock _to you_ , how they care for you deeply. Banjou would have my head if I treated you wrongly.  And from what you've told me about your roommates . . . Hide and Touka . . . it seems that you can trust them with your life. I have none of that. I see you, and I see someone that others are loyal to. And that is a wonderful thing."

"But . . ."

"And this?" Shuu gestured to his apartment, but then laid his hand on Kaneki's waist. There was next to no space between them, and Shuu continued to speak quietly but emphatically. "This place is just a home. It is not what I am passionate about, what keeps me up at night. I just happened to be born into a family that had a lot of money. And I hope that you don't think that defines me."

"I don't," Kaneki said earnestly. "Really, I don't." He sighed, his eyes trying to look down. But Shuu was so close to him that Kaneki couldn't see the floor. Instead, his eyes focused on the buckle of Shuu's belt. "I'm just . . . scared."

"I understand," Shuu said quietly, one of his hands still gliding over the side of his neck. "And maybe you find this hard to believe, but that's okay. Because you've already told me that you won't be ready for some things. I know that you'll need time. In the meantime, I want to take you on dates, and show you the things that I love. I want you to show me and talk to me about those things that you care about, too. I . . " Shuu paused to exhale lightly, as if considering holding back. But then he continued forward with, "I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I plan on being around you for as long as you want, even if you just wanted us to be friends."

Kaneki could read every single facet of sincerity in Shuu's voice, the way his eyes were fixed in concern. He could feel it in the way that Shuu held onto him with one hand as if to fortify the honesty of his words. How he continued to touch Kaneki's neck, forthright and intimate. And it all made Kaneki's worry about their differences melt away into nothingness once more.

"Okay," Kaneki said simply, gently pressing on the back of Shuu's neck, urging him to move his head down. And then he kissed Tsukiyama Shuu.

Kaneki's kiss was light and sweet, his lips pressing into Shuu's with the gentlest of touches. The only sound to be heard was the soft breaths between each kiss, the shifting of cloth under Shuu's hands as he moved to set them both on Kaneki's hips. He let Kaneki be the driving force, letting him decide how far he wanted to take this kiss, if he wanted to deepen it or not. So they moved their lips against each other for a moment longer before Kaneki pulled away. Now smiling shyly once more as he moved back a step.

"I, uh . . .I like kissing you. A lot," Kaneki admitted, taking a sip of wine out of the glass that he had somehow miraculously been able to hang on to.

"I like it a lot, too," Shuu admitted, then cleared his throat. He looked towards his kitchen, as if remembering something. "Dinner is ready, if you are still hungry."

"I am. Can I help bring anything to the table?" Kaneki asked as they both headed to the spotless dining room table, where the previously opened bottle of white wine was the sole occupant. From here, he could still faintly hear the French music Shuu was playing earlier. It was a nice touch to their dinner, the sound of the musical instruments quite soothing in the background.

"No, but please, if you would," and here Shuu pulled back a chair for Kaneki to take a seat in. He graciously took the seat, feeling only the smallest amount of awkwardness as Shuu pushed his chair in. He had never been to a fancy enough restaurant where a member of the wait staff had done such a thing. "I'll be right back with the first course."

 _First course?_ Kaneki's mind boggled as he watched Shuu return to the kitchen, opening up his refrigerator. He quickly returned with two chilled salad bowls, setting one in front of Kaneki and then one at a seat across from him.

"Would you like some water? More wine?"

"No, thank you," Kaneki said with a smile, already amazed at how prettily put together the salad was. "This looks delicious," he added as Shuu took a seat.

"I hope it is," Shuu commented. "It's strawberries, feta, and pecans over spinach, with some light dressing."

The salad _was_ as good as it looked, if not better. They made polite conversation while they ate, neither of them particularly in a hurry to finish their salad. Kaneki enjoyed the sweetness of the fruit, the fresh texture of the spinach, the satisfying taste of the feta on his tongue. He ate his entire serving, almost wishing for more. But then he remembered there was more to come.

"I was thinking," Shuu said at one point, "that we could take dessert outside later? On the patio? You seemed to enjoy the view outside earlier, and it gets better when you see it at night."

"I would love that."

Soon they were moving on to the main course, Shuu having taken their salad dishes away and deposited them into the sink. Kaneki made a move to help, but Shuu insisted that he had it taken care of. So Kaneki let him have his way, though he wished to be of some service. He told himself that he would make sure he helped with the clean up. With that in mind, he watched as Shuu returned, bearing two heavy-looking plates that had a considerable concave shape to the bottom.

The host set before him a dish that Kaneki was wholly unfamiliar with. It was definitely meaty and hearty looking, most likely what that seasoned beef aroma had been before. There was a dark broth to it, and Kaneki saw what looked like small pieces of onion and mushrooms. He looked up at Shuu slowly.

"You made this?" he asked, amazed.

"Yes," Shuu said, a pleased smile on his face. "You mentioned that you had never had beef bourguignon before, and I figured that I would try my hand at it."

Kaneki looked down at the stew dish. "But . . . the whole dinner. And dessert. You made it all? By yourself?"

"Well," Shuu said, thinking. "I enlisted Kanae's help with grocery shopping. And he helped with some of the prep work with the dough for the dessert. But yeah, I think I did mostly everything else."

Kaneki hmphed lightly. "I bet he sure loved helping you make a dinner where I would be involved."

Shuu laughed lightly, sipping at the wine. "He does tend to be a little . . . antagonistic at times, but he grows on you."

Kaneki wasn't sure about that, but he kept this thoughts to himself. He took in a spoonful of the broth to try out the taste, and his eyes lit up as the flavors slid across his tongue.

"This is delicious!" Kaneki exclaimed, seeing another pleased smile cross Shuu's face.

"It is acceptable, I guess," Shuu said modestly. "I've had it before, in France. Maybe one day mine will come out tasting more authentic."

"I don't know about that," Kaneki replied honestly. "I think it's perfect as is." He took in a piece of beef now, enjoying the taste of the meat. Shuu paused to watch him eat for a moment, a peaceful kind of happiness warming him up on the inside. The bonds of affection were growing between them, strengthening each minute. Things felt so wonderful and easy between them right now, and Shuu found himself wishing that everyday could be like this. Light kisses with Kaneki, dinner with Kaneki, conversation with Kaneki.

A thoughtful silence settled between them a couple of minutes after that, though not uncomfortable in the slightest. Shuu studied Kaneki's features, seeing his brows draw in as he thought.

"What's on your mind?" Shuu asked.

"Oh," Kaneki said, coming out of his reverie. "Actually, it was about your pictures."

"My pictures?"

"Mmmm. Yeah. The photos you send me. Of your lunch, or your dinner."

Shuu was intrigued. "What about them?"

"Well," Kaneki began, putting together his thoughts, "they're always . . . presented so . . . nicely? I don't know how to say it."

"You think so?" Shuu leaned his chin on his fingertips, considering Kaneki's words.

"Definitely." Kaneki smiled. "Like with your Greek salad the other day. You put it together in an artistic way? All of the ingredients looked perfectly arranged. And I don't know . . . you do this thing with light in your photos. Getting a good angle or something. There's never a glare or a shadow. And with dinner tonight, it's the same thing. Everything placed perfectly, and in proportion." He looked up at Shuu. "Does that sound dumb?"

"Not at all," Shuu looked down at his plate for a moment. "I took some photography courses in college."

"Really?" Now it was Kaneki who was intrigued, wanting to hear more. "Why didn't you major in that? Or something with theatre? Your singing . . . is so _good_."

"Thank you. I would have loved that, of course," Shuu said quietly. They were silent for a moment again before he gazed thoughtfully at Kaneki. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Kaneki said, setting down his spoon.

"Did you always want to be an accountant?"

Kaneki exhaled heavily. "No."

"Why then did you go into that field?" Shuu asked.

"Because . . . " Kaneki turned his head to the side, looking at the darkening sky through the window. "Because I have a family. And they need me."

Shuu hmmed in understanding. "I think it is much the same for myself. I was my parent's only child, and my responsibility to my father's company was taught to me since I was quite young."

They simply looked at one another for a moment, coming to understand a little more about each other. How each of them had a duty to their parent, whether tacit or not, and how that guided their lives into adulthood and beyond.

Kaneki blinked a few times, picking up his spoon once more and taking a bite of his dinner. As he chewed, he thought some more, finding himself curious again.

"If you could have gone into any field or career after college, what would it have been?"

Shuu considered the question, leaning back a little in his chair as he thought. "Hmmm. Well, I do enjoy photography. But when I was younger I always dreamt about acting and singing. I would have loved to have performed on Broadway."

"I think you would have been wonderful at that," Kaneki commented softly. "Did you ever think of doing something like that? On the side, maybe? If the professional aspect was too much of a demand on your time, maybe a local theatre production."

"I never really thought about that too much. You see, I would have wanted more and more of it. But sometimes work is too busy. I often have to travel to meet new clients. Sometimes I have to go overseas to model for a seasonal campaign for one of our smaller branches."

Kaneki nodded, seeing how that would present a problem. And he understood not putting too much of your hopes into a dream that would never get realized.

"What about you?" Shuu asked, studying Kaneki curiously. "What would Kaneki Ken have wanted to do as a career?"

"I would have wanted to be a writer," he said without hesitation, a soft smile crossing his face. "Lose myself for days in writing a novel. Hide sometimes convinced me to participate in school plays and other activities. But I always wanted to be the one _writing_ the stories, not acting them out."

"You were in school plays?" Shuu asked, an eyebrow raised. "I would love to have seen that."

Kaneki shook his head, horrified. "Oh no you wouldn't. I was probably pretty terrible."

"I wonder if there are any recordings of these plays? Maybe Hide has one? Or knows where to find one?"

Kaneki heard the teasing note in his voice, and shook his head. "I doubt it," he said unconvincingly. He made a note to ask Hide about it. And subsequently destroy any evidence that still existed.

They finished up their dinner, and Shuu laughed at Kaneki placing a hand on his now full stomach. "That was so good," he moaned.

"Did you want to pass on dessert?" Shuu asked. "You could take some home with you if you would like."

"Oh no, I still have room!" Kaneki insisted. Shuu smiled, heading into the kitchen. Kaneki followed, bringing the now empty wine bottle and their two glasses. Shuu didn't say anything, but merely shook his head lightly in admonishment, knowing that Kaneki just wanted to help.

Carefully, Shuu cut into the dessert, placing a piece on their dessert plates. "What is that?" Kaneki asked, as he looked at the tasty-looking confection.

"It's a French apple tart," Shuu said, moving to take some ice cream out of the freezer. "to be served with a small amount of vanilla ice cream."

Kaneki had never had this kind of dessert before. Slices of apples were carefully arranged over a golden-brown crust, and the glaze that Shuu had been working on when he had entered earlier was the topping over the dessert. He watched as Shuu scooped out ice cream on the side of their portions, again admiring the artful presentation of something Shuu had created.

They took their dessert outside to Shuu's lengthy patio, and Kaneki's eyes widened as he took in the sight. Like the rest of his home, it reflected a sophisticated perspective. There were some plants in pretty pots placed in the corners of the patio. A few all-weather chairs and a matching table were placed not too far from the sliding glass door, and Shuu led the way over to it. The perimeter of the patio was a glass and steel combination, and the glow from the city's lights illuminated their surroundings.

"Wow," Kaneki said breathily, again amazed by Shuu's home. "This is . . . amazing." He sat slowly in an empty chair, turning it so that he had an unobstructed view of the city before them.

The pair talked quietly, Kaneki's gaze either fixed steadily on Shuu or on the view from the patio. The summer night breeze ruffled his dark hair, and Shuu gazed at Kaneki in silent adoration. His eyes drunk in the curve of his cheeks, the shape of his nose. How sometimes Kaneki unconsciously jutted out his lips while he lost himself in thought. Shuu found himself wondering what had happened to Kaneki in his past that he couldn't see how truly magnificent he was. And he hoped that he could do something to help Kaneki realize that for himself. As they began to eat their dessert, he watched enthusiastic surprise flit across Kaneki's face as he took his first bite.

"Shuu! This has got to be the best dessert I've ever eaten!" Kaneki took another bite of the tart, his jaw moving slow to chew the piece, savoring the taste in his mouth.

"I am glad you like it."

After they ate their dessert, they lingered out on the porch. Both of them leaned against the protective steel beam as they talked, their voices light with conversation, occasionally laughing. The streets below were lit by car headlights and traffic lights. The two of them watched the progression of the sky as it turned steadily darker, and now the only light immediately available to them came spilling out of the bay windows inside of Shuu's home.

"Did you enjoy dinner?" Shuu asked, truly wanting to hear Kaneki's honest assessment.

"Yes, very much so," Kaneki said, turning to lean sideways on the rail so that he could face Shuu. "It has to be the best dinner I ever had."

"I find that hard to believe," Shuu said teasingly. "I am not much of a chef."

"But you are," Kaneki insisted. "I think you would do anything perfectly, if you set your mind to it."

Shuu smiled at the praise, also turning his body so as to face Kaneki. "Maybe we could do this again, sometime?"

"I would like that, but . . . " here Kaneki looked down at his feet, speaking tentatively, "Next time I would like to make something, too. Or help with what you're making."

"That would be fine, I think." Shuu moved a little closer, raising a hand to flatten the wayward strands of Kaneki's hair. Kaneki looked back up at him, eyes clear and wide, head tilting in to his touch. His lips parted the slightest bit, arms slowly coming to wrap around Shuu's neck.

Shuu kissed him then, out on his patio on a perfect summer night. The lights from the city cast a somewhat golden glimmer on the pair, their skin now bathed in the same gilded color. Shuu kept his lips light against Kaneki's, his hand now threading through the strands of his soft hair, exploring. Enjoying the sensation of how it felt against his palm. Between his fingers.

He felt the gentle pressure of Kaneki pressing his body up against his. Pushing the boundaries of what they were, testing the waters. Shuu wrapped his free arm around Kaneki's waist, feeling the slimness of his form. Lips still moving eagerly against Kaneki, Shuu pulled his date even closer against him. Wanting to hold him for minutes, hours, days. Keeping him close, always. Showing Kaneki how much he was valued. How beautiful he was. How precious each and every word was that came out of his mouth. Shuu wanted to show him the world, sharing with him the beauty of France, the wonders of Italy, the history of Germany. Going on new adventures together.

Shuu poured this passion into their kiss, painted his admiration across his warm lips. His entire body felt like it had fire in its veins, his attraction pulsing through him. Kaneki seemed to feel it, relaxing his body against Shuu's, curling his fingers in the short hair at the back of Shuu's head. Returning each press of lips with one of his own. And then it was Kaneki who was tonguing into Shuu's wet and welcoming mouth. Accepting all that Shuu was giving and wanting to see more. Breath coming fast now, almost a pant as Shuu pressed him firmly up against the guardrail. Shuu widened his thighs so that it encompassed the breadth of Kaneki's lower body.

Kaneki could feel it very keenly, the want to give in. To let Shuu keep kissing him as heatedly as he was doing now. It would be so easy to start pushing up against him, hands on Shuu's ass, feeling the hardness of his cock. He knew it would feel so good to have Shuu take him inside. Laying him on his bed, slowly unbuttoning his shirt. Parting it just enough so that his chest was laid bare. Allowing him to unbutton his pants and pulling them off. He could imagine _how hot_ Shuu's mouth would feel around his--

Kaneki cut off that last thought, pulling his face away from Shuu's. Breathing heavily, he laid his forehead on Shuu's shoulder. Focusing on calming down. Doing what he needed to do. Because this wasn't how he wanted it to happen. He knew he cared for Shuu. But he needed to know for certain that he cared for him, appreciated him more than he wanted to have sex with him. That's what it came down to.

It had only been about a month and a half since he last had sex with a strange man he had picked up from a bar. And he wanted to get stronger. Wanted to prove to himself that he could do the dating thing right, without reverting back to his previous behavior. There was still so much he wanted to know about Shuu. And he didn't want to risk ruining that over having sex before he was ready for it again.

He took one last breath and then looked up at Shuu, feeling how he was now rubbing a hand gently over his back. It was such a tender, caring gesture. And it helped Kaneki to not be worried with what he said next.

"Can this be enough? For now?" Kaneki asked quietly.

"Can what be enough?" Kaneki was sure that Shuu knew of what he was speaking. But that he wanted clarification. So as to not assume anything.

"Kissing. And dating. Can that be enough?"

Shuu met Kaneki's eyes directly, gem-blue eyes serious. "As I said before, Kaneki. We can take this as slow as you want. You only need to tell me when and if you're ready for something. I never want to make you uncomfortable."

"I know," Kaneki said, and meant it. He lightly touched Shuu's upper arm, feeling the smoothness of the fabric of the shirt.

When he said good-bye later that night, he gave his lips to Shuu once more before they parted.

 

* * *

 

In the following month and a half or so, Kaneki gave a lot of things to Tsukiyama Shuu. The tangible and intangible.

He gave him his hand, his fingers. Kaneki came back, periodically, to Shuu's place for dinner. They would relax together on the couch after they ate, watching a movie or tv show. Or lose themselves in conversation out on the patio, their chairs close together. And it would feel so wonderful and effortless to be there together. So he would sneak his warm hand into Shuu's, not missing the smile that graced his companion's face. And then Shuu would adjust their hands slightly, linking their fingers together.

He gave more of his lips to Shuu, kissing in the parking garage after work, tongues coming together. Their kisses usually began light and airy, but then delved into heat and attraction. The two of them didn't care if anyone happened to walk by, so wrapped up in each other that these passersby went unnoticed. Or they would sometimes abandon the tv show they were watching at Shuu's home, choosing instead to make out, their hands wandering freely over clothing. On top of the exposed skin of their arms. After they had their temporary fill of each other's lips, Kaneki would move close into Shuu's side, his head on Shuu's broad shoulder.

He gave Shuu both his laughter and vulnerability. Shuu was a master storyteller, and he would occasionally provide humorous accounts of his day with an annoying client that smelled bad or another that decided to take off their shoes while in the middle of their meeting. Kaneki tended to, at first, laugh almost silently, hiding his mirth behind his hand. But as the days went on, his laughter became louder, and he would throw back his head to let it out as Shuu continued with his story. And what once was an annoyance to Shuu when in the moment of this event happening to him at work now became an amusing anecdote as he retold it to Kaneki and got to see his reaction.

Kaneki slept over at Shuu's house for the first time three weeks into dating, at the beginning of August. He and Shuu both lost track of the time, and Shuu offered his place, his bed. Making it clear that he could take the couch if that was what Kaneki wanted, and that there was no ulterior motive to his offer of Kaneki staying the night. It took a moment of silent deliberation, but in the end, Kaneki agreed to stay over. But he staunchly insisted that they sleep in the same bed. And it was then, in the velvet arms of sleep, that any remaining wall that Kaneki had erected around himself over the past year crumbled. He fell almost immediately sleep while Shuu was still getting comfortable, his arms and legs splayed out like a child on his side of the bed. Shuu fell into a peaceful sleep himself, his heart calm and happy as his eyes gazed over Kaneki's slumbering form. It was early the next morning, while the sky was still dark, that Shuu awoke for a moment to find Kaneki cuddled up against him. He had an arm snuggled in around his stomach, a leg thrown over one of Shuu's. It felt so incredibly precious to be embraced so sweetly like that, so intimate. And he couldn't help noticing that when they both awoke around the same time a few hours later, Kaneki didn't immediately move away. Instead, he slid his hand softly over the top of Shuu's stomach, his hand a caress even though it was over the fabric of his shirt.

Kaneki gave him his affections and opinions. They would be out and about, spending a Saturday afternoon together perusing a used bookstore when Kaneki would surprise him with a quick kiss to the cheek and then flit away to look at the work of some of his favorite authors. Or later when they finished looking around, they would move on to getting coffee and beignets ("You must try one, Kaneki! They are scrumptious!" To which Kaneki wholeheartedly agreed). As they sat at their table, chatting about inconsequential matters, Kaneki would rub his palm over the top of Shuu's hand or move his fingers to wipe away some of the powdered sugar that had gotten on his date's lips. And it was no longer just Shuu holding together their conversation, but now Kaneki was the one jumping in with what he wanted to do next or what he wanted to make for dinner. Or when they delved into serious topics of conversation, Kaneki would offer his opinion and Shuu would listen to him avidly, sometimes having his own position on the subject matter changed from seeing it through Kaneki's eyes.

But above all else, Shuu's favorite thing that Kaneki gave him was his trust. It was of a multitudinous kind. Trust that Shuu wouldn't hurt him or take advantage of his feelings. Trust that Shuu's feelings for him were genuine and were given without a caveat. Shuu could see it in the way that Kaneki slowly gave more pieces of himself, revealed the inner workings of his mind. What made him tick. How he was quicker to agree to trying something new with Shuu, like Ethiopian food or going out on his boat (Kaneki was kind of fearful of bodies of water if he couldn't see clearly to the bottom of it). Kaneki, who had always been a creature of habit, opened himself up to new and exciting experiences. Seeing things he wouldn'tve had he not trusted in Shuu's judgment.

The weeks of their summer were golden with happiness. True to his word, Shuu showed him the things that he loved, thereby also showing Kaneki pieces of himself. They saw 'Shakespeare in the Park' on a couple of occasions, leaning against each other as they watched the performance on stage.  The pair visited an art gallery, and spent time out on the beach. Kaneki marveled at seeing the joy on Shuu's face through getting to share these things with someone else, his passion quite evident in the way he was sometimes silent for moments on end. And then he would turn to look at Kaneki and take his hand gently, as if to say, _This is me, this is part of me. What do you think?_  And Kaneki would squeeze his hand, smile, and tell him exactly what he appreciated about it.

But they also had the same kind of fun doing the things Kaneki loved to do. They went to Kaneki's favorite burger joint that he often haunted with Hide. Their burgers were big and juicy, and Kaneki smiled at hearing Shuu's hum of enjoyment when he took his first bite. Or they would go see a movie at one of those places that showed old classics on Sunday afternoons. Like _Seven Samurai_ , Kaneki's personal favorite. He felt a little anxious while watching the movie, hoping that Shuu would appreciate it even a fraction as much as he did. When they left the theater after it was over, Shuu had so much to say about it, from the storyline to the type of cameras used, to the transitions between scenes. Kaneki had to bite his lip to hold back a wide grin, very much pleased to hear Shuu's appreciation of the film.  He made a note to tell his roommates that he had found someone that appreciated his taste in movies.

On Kaneki's recommendation, they went to the very same farmer's market that he and Dr. Itori had visited. Shuu bought some raspberries and blackberries, intent on making a salad with the fruit as two of the main ingredients. They meandered around, fingers laced together as they looked at most of the booths.  Later on, they made dinner together, Shuu coming up from behind Kaneki as he chopped up some onion. He wrapped his arms around Kaneki's waist, kissing the side of his neck slowly and intimately before moving on to work on his salad.

For Kaneki, it all seemed so new, so shiny. Sometimes it was almost unbelievable to himself that he could be this happy again, free of the weight of his usual anxieties and fears. Shuu was incredibly supportive, making him laugh and smile, or offering up his opinion when Kaneki told him of his concerns. Or supportive in the way that he held Kaneki at night as they fell asleep. Nightmares no longer visited his unconscious mind, and he felt refreshed when he awoke each morning.

One day, on his way out the door to meet Shuu at a park for a multicultural festival, Hide stopped him.

"Kaneki."

Kaneki turned around. "Yeah?"

Hide's brown eyes were steadily looking at him, determined. "Can we meet him? Your boyfriend?"

Kaneki didn't panic. His eyebrows didn't crease in thought. He merely smiled, and then said, "Yeah, that would be good. Maybe next weekend?"

Hide didn't let his surprise register on his face. "Yeah, sure man. Sounds great." As soon as Kaneki was out the door, Touka came wandering in from the bedroom she shared with Hide.

"Did I just hear that right?" she asked incredulously. "We get to finally meet Kaneki's mystery boyfriend?"

Hide looked just as stunned as Touka sounded. "Sounds like it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next two chapters are ones that have spun around in my brain for almost a year now (along with chapters 6, and then from chapters 19 on when the climax of the story hits!). I guess you can say a lot will be happening, a lot will be changing. 
> 
> And there will be a return of some smut. ;)
> 
> And in chapter 17 . . . maybe I shouldn't say? Okay, I won't. I'll keep these little tidbits to myself. 
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr [here](http://telltaleheartwrites.tumblr.com) and say hello if you like!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guysssss I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post a chapter! I've been busy with other projects, but I've finished with those and can focus on this fic now.
> 
> This chapter has been at 7k for a while now on my laptop. I knew exactly where I wanted to go with it, but it became longer and longer as I continued to work at where I wanted the stopping point to be. So it's being cut into two, and the second half (the next chapter) should be up relatively soon.
> 
> Not a lot happening here (well, sorta) but the next chapter will feature a return of some smutty action. Oh ho ho!

Kaneki woke slowly, in stages.  He had been trying to hang on to the dredges of sleep for the last hour or so, but his body had decided it was time to wake for good.  Kicking off his comforter, he stretched on the top of his bed, the summer sun bright even through his closed blinds.  He smiled up at the ceiling, remembering that he got to see Shuu later.  For dinner.  And that his boyfriend would get to meet two of the most important people in the world to Kaneki.  He didn't feel nervous in the slightest, and he pondered that mystery in his head for a moment or two.  He finally reasoned that it was because he knew his friends would like Shuu.  That when he had asked him earlier in the week if he wanted to meet Hide and Touka, Shuu had looked surprised. Touched. Pleased. And then a little nervous.  But all the same, he had responded with a resounding _yes._

That had erased any miniscule fears about his boyfriend meeting his two best friends. Because Kaneki could tell it was important to Shuu that they both like him.  That when he wanted to, and when he wasn't acting out a part like at work, people sincerely liked the Shuu they saw underneath. The rest of the week, meeting Kaneki's two friends was all that he could talk about. What did they like to eat? What kind of personalities did they have? What time worked best for the three of them? So Kaneki had answered all of his questions patiently, sometimes only managing to put a temporary end to the barrage by bringing his lips to his boyfriend's, kissing him softly. Then he would part his lips slowly into the deep kiss, only to tongue into Shuu's mouth the moment after. That had gotten his attention diverted for a while, as Shuu had so enthusiastically responded to Kaneki's kisses, wrapping his arms around his smaller frame and pulling him closer.  

There was a knock on Kaneki's door. Still feeling lazy, he called out, "Come in!"

Hide poked his head in the doorway, and seeing that Kaneki was wide awake, proceeded to come all the way in. He flopped down at the foot of the bed, laying his upper body against the width of it and over Kaneki's ankles.   

"This is the first Saturday morning you've been here in a while," Hide noted, folding his arms across his stomach and studying the ceiling.

"Yup." Kaneki wriggled his feet out from underneath his friend. "You making breakfast?" 

"Dude, it's like noon. Get your ass up and make yourself a sandwich."

Kaneki laughed. "Maybe I will." They were silent a moment, though not uncomfortably so. Kaneki sat up and wrapped his arms around his legs. "So, what's up?"

"Hmm?" Hide had been lost in thought, but then he looked over at his friend.

"Did you need something, or . . . ?"

"Oh. Right."  Hide sat up too, now eye level with Kaneki. "I was just wondering . . . today's Saturday . . ."  He drifted off, seeming to contemplate his words. Kaneki raised an eyebrow at him.

"You already pointed that out, man." Kaneki kicked his friend playfully in the thigh.  

"I mean, yes, it's Saturday. You don't have an appointment with your therapist today?" Hide maintained constant eye contact, measuring his friend's reaction. 

Kaneki looked down.  "No."  He fiddled with a loose string on his pajama bottoms.

"No?  As in not today or 'no' you don't go anymore?"

Kaneki fidgeted, delaying his answer.  Truth be told, it had been a while since he had gone to see Dr. Itori.  About six weeks, to be exact.  She had left voicemails on his phone, which he hadn't listened to.  Eventually she had stopped calling after it became apparent Kaneki wasn't going to respond.  He had texted on and off with Uta in that time frame, but his friend never mentioned anything about Itori.  And Kaneki was glad of it.  Because he felt as if he no longer needed therapy sessions.  He was happier, now.  Rarely did he experience moments of dejection like he had so often in the past.  It seemed all he had to do to move past it was to concentrate harder on his work, or cuddle in closer to Shuu's side.  And then the nagging melancholic feeling, sometimes like a hot pinprick of pain in his heart, would pass.

"No, I don't go anymore." He looked up at Hide now, his gaze determined. "I'm fine."   

Hide considered his answer for a moment, now looking around the room thoughtfully. Kaneki knew him well enough after all these years to know what he was doing, trying to look unassuming in his deliberation. Hide didn't believe him, and was going to further pursue this avenue of discussion.

"Did your therapist give you . . . I don't know what they call it . . . the 'seal of approval'?  Does _she_ think you don't have to go anymore?"

That particular question had Kaneki tensing up.  For he knew the answer to that, he knew there had been a lot more that Dr. Itori had wanted to discuss with him, recommending other strategies for overcoming the bad feelings he still sometimes got.  But that road was a long and arduous one to travel, full of branches that would snag in his hair and scratch at his face if he didn't take care to avoid them.  The ground littered with the remains of broken bottles and sharp rocks that would wear down the soles of his shoes, cut at his bare feet.   

He was better, now.  And that's what counted. 

"Hide . . ." Kaneki began, running a hand through his messy brown hair, "I haven't felt this good in a long time.  And . . .I want to keep feeling this way. Is there anything wrong with that? To want to be happy?"  

Hide shook his head, exhaling loudly.  "No. But if you start feeling that way again, will you promise to tell me about it? I'm always here for you, you know that."  

Kaneki nodded, managing a smile. Even after all this time, Hide still looked out for him. "I promise," he said quietly. He thought that would be the end of the conversation, but as the silence wore on for a moment, he looked up at Hide to see that his brows were furrowed.  

"I wanted to ask you something else." 

He should have expected something like this.  Kaneki sighed. "What?" He felt a little tension remaining in his stomach, and he braced himself for what his best friend might ask. The reluctant expression on Hide's face only amped up the feeling.

"I think you should get tested,"  Hide said quickly, words almost in a jumble.  Kaneki had to sort it out in his head for a second, and then he felt a wave of embarrassment crash into him.

"Geez, _dad_ ," Kaneki groused, pushing on Hide's shoulder. Hide laughed, relieved that Kaneki wasn't angry at him for mentioning a somewhat taboo topic. At this, Kaneki hid his face behind his arm. 

"Was this your idea, or Touka's?" he mumbled.

"All my devilry."  Hide pulled Kaneki's arm away from his face.  "Well?"

Kaneki narrowed his eyes at his friend.  "For your information, I already got tested.  Two weeks ago."  

Hide was surprised, his mouth dropping open a little.  "And?"

"And it was fine. I'm fine. No disgusting STD's or anything. He got tested, too."  Kaneki waved his arm around awkwardly, trying to end this particular strain of conversation as quickly as he could.  

Hide breathed out slowly.  "Good."  

Kaneki kicked him again in the thigh, this time a little harder.  "Now you get to make me a grilled cheese, for making me talk about this . . . stuff . . . with you."

 

* * *

 

It was later that night that Kaneki found himself on their couch, waiting on Touka and Hide to finish getting ready for dinner.  For probably the first time ever, he was waiting on them.  He was the one that usually took up too much time deliberating over clothing because he knew Touka would have something to say about it if he came out dressing too casual for the occasion (in her opinion).  Shuu was due to arrive in the next twenty minutes or so, offering his limousine as the source of transportation for the night, in order to make things easier on everyone. When Kaneki had informed his friends of this development, both of them had been a little taken aback.

"Jesus, Kaneki, how rich _is_ this guy?" Touka had asked.   

Kaneki had shrugged.  "He has a huge penthouse apartment?  I mean, you already know he's the CEO's son at Tsukiyama Group, right?"

The thing of it was, Shuu's wealth didn't matter to him anymore.  To be sure, it had put him off quite a lot at first.  He had thought that they would have nothing in common, that they would struggle to find topics to discuss. That the wealthy man he was dating wouldn't be able to understand where Kaneki came from in life, his poor childhood. How Kaneki's circumstances had made him into a fiercely independent person who took care of his family the best way he could. The funny thing was, they didn't have a lot in common. At least, on the surface. Shuu was big into sources of entertainment that featured performances or vivid canvases. He sought after the beauty in everything they saw or did together, obviously a quality that had always been a part of him. Kaneki was sort of the opposite, when it came to appreciating something. He had always buried himself in books and movies (especially the classics which his friends didn't seem to be very fond of), his enjoyment in things coming from an internal source. How the words read in his mind and came together to form their own complex melody. Not something that was necessarily seen or obvious to everyone. An individual appreciation. Yet the differences between himself and Shuu only seemed to add to the happiness of their relationship.  They had so much to share with one another, and the wonder of coming to appreciate something new never grew old.

It might have taken a few weeks, but Kaneki didn't see all of the material possessions anymore when he spent time with Shuu. They were just inanimate objects now, they didn't define Shuu at all.  Because Kaneki saw everything else about him now.  He had, of course, always seen his almost unmatchable beauty from day one.  But there was so much else about him to wonder about, to cherish.  Like how Shuu might not have a lot of people in his life that he held in high esteem, or more than a couple of close friends, but he was devoted to those that he did care about.  He would never hear a bad word about them, and always looked out for their best interests. Like Kanae. And Chie, someone that Kaneki had met a couple of times now. Even Matsumae, Shuu's secretary, was held in high regard.  Kaneki saw the strength and respect behind these relationships, how Shuu was able to put unconditional trust in these people.  

Kaneki also saw how hard of a worker Shuu was, never settling for a mediocre effort. He would devote huge amounts of his time to projects, and they would succeed through his enthusiasm and effort when it would've sunk through with anybody else.  How he was incredibly intelligent, creative, and motivated all at once.  Kaneki admired this in him.  Over time, he came to see how it manifested itself in different ways in other employees at Tsukiyama Group.  How Shuu always had to have his guard up, for his peers and those below him didn't like to be outshone. Instead, they chalked it up to nepotism, and sneered at him when he wasn't looking.  Which only made Shuu work harder, becoming more accomplished.  

Kaneki even saw it in the way Shuu regarded their relationship. As he had mentioned on more than one occasion, he stayed true to his word and never rushed Kaneki into anything. They took things at Kaneki's pace, a slow construction of something that was built on trust. And that's why Kaneki didn't feel any apprehensions around Shuu. Because he felt comfortable being himself now, felt appreciated for who he was. When they kissed, it was something given by both of them, something deeper than just the physical attraction they had for each other. And that had Kaneki wondering lately if he was ready to give more.

Hide came out into the living room then, plopping down onto their recliner. He looked vaguely uncomfortable, tugging lightly on his plum tie and unbuttoning his dark gray suit jacket.  

"Looking good there, Hide," Kaneki teased. But underneath, he was happy. Not for the first time, his friends were making an effort to meet a boyfriend of Kaneki's, even if it required adjusting to something they didn't normally participate in. Even when he had dated Brett in high school, they had tried to be kind. Until they couldn't avoid the fact that he wasn't nice not only to Touka and Hide, he was also an ass to Kaneki. Then all bets had been off.  

"Thanks, man," Hide huffed. He patted his blond hair, and Kaneki could tell by his fidgeting that he was nervous. "Touka should only be another minute. She was looking over her shoes." 

Kaneki nodded at this information, and pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time.  Any minute now Shuu would arrive.  He considered the photo on his phone's lock screen.  A few weeks ago, Shuu had taken him out on his boat again, the summer sun bright and hot above them.  After he had anchored his boat a fair distance out, with land just barely discernible in the distance, the two of them had lain down near the front of the boat.  Kaneki had gotten his phone out a while after that, managing to snap a photo of the two of them as they took in the sun's rays, but Shuu had been asleep.  It was a sweet photo, showing a soft side of his boyfriend, his lavender hair blowing slightly in the breeze.  Each time Kaneki saw the photo, he once again wondered how one person could be so beautiful.

His phone lit up with a text then, announcing Shuu's arrival.  Kaneki shot him a quick text that they would be right down, not finding it necessary for Shuu to come up to their humble abode for a minute only to leave right after.  The thought that he should invite Shuu inside sometime soon quickly flashed through Kaneki's mind.  For some reason, he just hadn't gotten around to having him over for dinner or just to watch a movie. But he didn't have time to dwell on it.

"He's here," Kaneki informed Hide, just as Touka emerged from the bedroom.  Kaneki only got a glimpse of her usually wild light-blue hair, which was now tamed into a stylish coif, before she started her gentle teasing.

"Wow, look at you," Touka marveled, her indigo eyes wide as she took in Kaneki's appearance.  Kaneki reddened slightly at the attention, standing so that they could start to make their way out the door.  "You look so handsome, Kaneki!" 

"Thanks," he muttered, wishing he could mess with his hair but chose not to, knowing he had spent a lot of time on it.  Instead, he took one last look at his attire.  He had dressed himself in a sharp navy blue suit, paired with a matching tie and a white shirt.  "You guys ready?"

It was then he got a look at what Touka was wearing, as she walked around the couch and into full view.  She was dressed in a short, flowy, plum dress, paired with black pumps. His friends had clearly dressed to match. Kaneki grinned, looking from one friend to another.

"You two aren't even married yet, and you're already coordinating your clothes?" he laughed.  

"This time, it was all her devilry," Hide commented dryly, snaking an arm around his fiancée's waist. "But I think she looks beautiful."

"That she does," Kaneki smiled.  "As usual."  He opened the front door, gesturing his friends out in front of him.  Touka smacked him lightly on the arm as she passed as punishment for his teasing.  He could see that both of them were still a little nervous, but he hoped that would soon subside once they met Shuu and started talking together.

Kaneki was the first one to walk out of the building, eyes immediately spotting the limousine at the curb.  Shuu was standing just beside it, typing something quickly out on his phone.  He looked immaculately polished as usual, dressed in an Italian-cut black suit with a matching tie and white shirt underneath.  It seemed to be a more subdued suit than he was used to seeing on Shuu, and he wondered if he was dressed so because of any remaining anxieties over meeting Touka and Hide. Hearing the sound of light chatter between the friends, Shuu looked up from his phone. When he spotted Kaneki, Shuu's eyes immediately lit up, his entire demeanor softening and relaxing.

"Hey there," Shuu said as Kaneki finally got close to him, pocketing his phone. He kissed Kaneki lightly on the lips before turning to his friends with a friendly smile.

"Shuu," Kaneki began, "these are my two best friends. Nagachika Hideyoshi and Kirishima Touka."

"It's such a pleasure to finally meet the two of you," Shuu said sincerely, first shaking Hide's hand and then Touka's, before leaning back to tangle his fingers in Kaneki's. "I was very excited to hear that we would all get the chance to meet." 

The four of them exchanged light pleasantries for a minute before getting inside the limousine. Kaneki saw the amazed expressions on Touka's and Hide's faces as they took in the interior of the vehicle. They were a little quiet at first, but Shuu quickly put them at ease, asking about their upcoming wedding and which venue their reception was being held at. The drive passed comfortably, as Touka and Hide relaxed through talking about things that were familiar to them. At one point, Shuu complimented Touka on her hair color.

"Thank you," she said, pleased at the compliment. "I like yours as well. It's very unusual to see a shade of lavender like that, but I think it's quite beautifully done. Did you know that Kaneki let me dye his hair white at one point?"

"I did not know that," Shuu said with a very interested smile. His gem-like eyes flickered to Kaneki who was definitely not meeting his gaze. "I wish I could have seen that."

They went back and forth for a minute about that, and Hide dug up a picture of a white-haired Kaneki on his phone. Shuu examined it closely, eyes sparkling, before handing Hide back his device. Kaneki didn't know what to make of his expression, so he brought up the fact that Touka was looking into opening her own hair salon in order to move the subject off of himself.  

"Oh, really?" Shuu said, interested. "I'd like to hear more about it."

Touka looked very pleased to have someone other than Hide and Kaneki genuinely interested to hear about her plans. So she brought up where she currently stood with the opening of her business, the challenges she was facing.  

"Hide is going to do all of my accounting," she finished up, taking his hand in hers. Hide smiled affectionately at her.  

"And I get free haircuts for life," he added with a smile. "Nobody else has done my hair except her for over 4 years now."

They arrived at the restaurant then, and it was one that Kaneki had heard of before but had never eaten at. It was simply named "via lux" in all lowercase letters. He could already tell that it would feature quite an expensive menu. The front of the restaurant was illuminated with gold lamps, and it was right on the water. The sun was just beginning to set, and Kaneki knew it would be a beautiful sight to enjoy as they ate their dinner.

Shuu gave the name of the reservation when they approached the hostess's desk.  It wasn't a minute later that they were being led up to a second floor and then outside to an exterior patio section. There were no other people seated there, and Kaneki wondered at that for a moment, thinking it unusual for a well-known restaurant on a Saturday night not to be making use of all of its dining areas. He could hear the distant chatter of people on the first floor patio area below, but their group of four was definitely seated in a secluded and probably much-coveted area.  For the second floor's patio overlooked a wide river that eventually fed into the ocean some miles away, and all around them large plants were decorated with strings of white lights, creating an intimate dining atmosphere. 

"This is beautiful," Touka marveled as they sat down, eyes wide as she looked across the water and towards the city's skyline.  

Kaneki leaned towards Shuu, asking quietly in his ear, "Is this your doing?"

Shuu answered back just as quietly with a, "Maybe." He smiled brilliantly at Kaneki then, kissing him on the cheek.

Throughout the time they spent at the restaurant, the four of them engaged in comfortable conversation.  At one point, Hide talked about his and Touka's honeymoon plans to visit multiple countries in Europe.  Shuu lit up at the mention that part of their vacation would take them through France and Spain.  He animatedly began recommending certain places to visit, and told Hide that he should call him if he needed any last minute travel arrangements.  During their discussion, Kaneki's eyes wandered, catching Touka's eye.  For how long he knew not, his friend had been staring at him, a soft and affectionate smile on her face. Kaneki's brows furrowed.  "What?" he mouthed at her. Touka smiled a little wider then, but shook her head lightly, before returning her attention to her fiancé. 

Dinner was delicious. Kaneki had ordered sea bass that was stuffed with chorizo and shrimp. Not even thinking about it, he cut a section of it off for Shuu to taste, setting it on his bread plate. They had done this pretty much every time they went out to dinner, wanting to share how delectable their meal was with the other. Hide saw the gesture, and he tried to hold back a happy smirk but wasn't sure if he succeeded entirely. And when Shuu placed a piece of his duck breast on Kaneki's plate, not even pausing while speaking about the basics of his position at Tsukiyama Group to Hide and Touka, Hide was sure his wry smile was pretty obvious to his friend. Because Kaneki flushed a bright shade of red then, and looked off the to the view of the river and city skyline while taking a sip of his wine.

Touka excused herself a bit after that to use the restroom. They had finished their dinners and were considering ordering dessert. Kaneki felt too full to eat an entire one on his own. He voiced his opinion on the subject to Shuu. But his boyfriend turned sultry sapphire eyes on him, reaching over to tilt his chin up slightly.

"But my dear Kaneki," he said, sotto voce, "I've heard their coffee caramel parfait is the talk of the town." He leaned closer, lightly pressing his lips to Kaneki's for a brief moment. "Care to share one with me?"

Hide studied the pair of them, seeing how wrapped up they were in each other. Shuu's lips still lingered quite close to Kaneki's, and the latter looked transfixed at his boyfriend's proximity. Almost as if he were melting under the warmth of such a gaze. Hide felt a little uncomfortable, feeling like an intruder at such an intimate moment. But this thought didn't last very long, for Touka was quickly approaching their table. Her eyes were red and watery, and her jaw was clenched, as if trying to hold back some strong emotion. 

"Touka . . ." Hide stood, reaching for her arm, instantly picking up on her emotional state. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Kaneki and Shuu broke out of their intimate bubble, turning twin glances of alarm on Touka as she took her seat. Kaneki could see how she was trying to restrain how distraught she was, barely succeeding. She was strong that way, rarely letting anyone see when she was hurting. It must have been something very bad for her to have the traces of tear tracks drying on her face. And then suddenly Kaneki was very afraid, very very very fearful that something bad had happened to _him_ and he didn't think he could take it if he heard it. He sat up straight in his seat, brown eyes wide and his heart in his throat. It felt like the bottom of his stomach had fallen out. So tense he became that he clenched his hands into tight fists, his fingernails digging into the flesh of his palms. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hide slowly take his own seat again, his hand outstretched to cover one of Touka's.

"I had a voicemail," Touka said, her voice thick with emotion. Kaneki felt his anxiety rapidly increase, like it was quickly ascending the highest point of a rollercoaster.  Oh god oh god ohgodohgod no no nono. "It was from Miranda's--you know, the place where we're having our reception." Here she looked entirely at Hide. "They had--had a water main break in the second floor last night, and it wasn't discovered until today. Immense water damage. They have to close the building, cancel all events there, for the next 4-6 weeks until they can repair all of the damage."  

Hide looked horrified, and laced his fingers through hers, at a momentary loss for words. There would be so much to try and fix, so many last minute details to work through now that their wedding reception venue had fallen through, and it looked like both of them were just beginning to realize that it would be next to impossible to find a good venue on such a short notice.  Touka began crying silently, but being as strong as she was, took a deep breath and then exhaled.  "I'm so sorry," she said to both Kaneki and Shuu.  "This happened at the worst possible time--" 

Kaneki's relief was tremendous in that moment, that her bad news hadn't involved. . . he shut that particular door, locking it and walking away.  Now all that remained was concern for Touka and Hide, and how best to help them through their huge dilemma. "Touka, no, stop.  Don't apologize," Kaneki murmured, moving to sit closer to his friend.  "We can figure this out, I'm sure we can. I can help look up restaurants and hotels we can call--"

But Touka shook her head, wiping at her eyes delicately to prevent the smearing of her makeup.  "The wedding's less than a month away now. Most of these places are booked a year or two in advance.  Even Miranda's, we just managed to get lucky that they had a Saturday night open, and we signed the agreement a good year and a half ago. Not to mention, we have over 200 people attending. Even if we found a place that had an opening, it probably wouldn't have enough room. . ."

"We'll figure something out," Hide said, the light of determination in his eyes.  "We _are not_ putting this wedding off.  We are going to get married, just like we planned."  

Shuu, who had been silently contemplating the situation, finally spoke.  "Did you ever look into the Von Rosewald?"

Touka smiled somewhat bitterly.  "I wish. It's beautiful, but was way out of our price range." 

Shuu pulled out his phone. "It happens to be a Tsukiyama owned property. My cousin, Nathanael, oversees much of its day-to-day operations. Please, if I may, I would like to make a phone call to check their schedule."

Touka's mouth dropped open. Hide said earnestly, "That's very kind of you, but there would be no way that we could afford a reception there. And with 200 people . . . " He shook his head.  "Impossible."

Shuu smiled in understanding, and chose his words carefully. "They are giving you a refund on your deposit, correct?  Miranda's?"

"Yeah," Touka sighed. "Their schedule is so busy that they wouldn't be able to fit us back in after the repairs are completed. Not for another year, at least."

"How about this then? I can see if the Von Rosewald has an opening, and if they do, whatever you would have paid Miranda's will suffice as a fee."

"We couldn't possibly go through with that," Hide said resolutely. "The Von Rosewald. . . .I can't even begin to imagine the difference in expense between that hotel and Miranda's. Thank you, but we couldn't possibly accept such an offer."  

Kaneki looked sideways at Shuu. He understood Hide's position, for it was one that Kaneki would have taken, too. His friends were caring and kind, but were also strong and not used to depending on outsiders for assistance. Even with the huge cost of a wedding, Hide had accepted no financial help from his parents because he was not particularly close to them. Though they were financially well off, he couldn't find it in him to accept assistance from them. Touka, without parents, had refused her grandparents’ help. They had wanted to take money out of their retirement for her, and that had horrified Touka. There was no way she would ever allow them to do that.  

Hide and Touka had therefore planned and funded the wedding entirely by themselves, and were satisfied by it. Their innate quality to be independent was one that they shared with Kaneki, and perhaps that was one of the reasons why they got along so well and understood each other. And Kaneki hoped that Shuu could understand that about his friends, in the same way that he had come to understand that same quality about Kaneki.  

Shuu looked Kaneki's way for a moment, eyes bright and intense. He smiled knowingly at Kaneki, laying a hand on his knee. And despite the current predicament, all Kaneki could do was stare back, eyes hopelessly caught in the beauty of Shuu's face.

"Instead of allowing me to do this for you, then, would you allow me to do this for Kaneki?" Shuu asked calmly and unassuming.

"What do you mean?" Touka asked, sharing a brief, perplexed look with Hide.

"His happiness happens to be very important to me.  You could say that I would do anything in my power, if it brought him joy." Shuu's voice was like a caress, so much so that Kaneki was reddening again, and his hands fidgeted on the top of the table. But Shuu gently took his hand in his, and brought it up to his lips for a chaste but sweet kiss.

Touka and Hide went wide-eyed at the display, at how very apparent it was that Shuu was completely devoted to Kaneki. Seeing the soft way he looked at him, touched him, spoke of him. But Shuu was still speaking, and he laid his and Kaneki's joined hands on the table, slowly turning to look at Touka and Hide again.

"From each time he has spoken of both of you, I have come to understand how extremely important you are to him. That should you be unhappy, it will affect him in a similar manner. I ask, then, that you allow me to do this for him. That the matter of a simple phone call on my part would perhaps ease the burden of your wedding planning, and therefore keep my dear Kaneki quite happy, as he should be everyday." 

There was silence at the table for a moment, and Kaneki felt a growing feeling in his chest. Something akin to a deep appreciation for what Shuu was doing for his friends, for Kaneki. He hadn't stopped staring at Shuu while he spoke, in awe that such a person could exist. That Shuu would devote so much of an effort to make him, Kaneki, so happy. It still kind of confused him, at times, for he didn't feel as if he were anyone particularly special or talented or charismatic. But he believed, trusted, in Shuu's feelings for him, even if he did not completely understand them.

Shuu stared back at him, eyes intense, his hand tightening its grip on Kaneki's.  And Kaneki understood the intensity there, and suddenly he didn't care that his friends were sitting at the same table.  He wanted to push back his chair, and climb in Shuu's lap, and kiss him hard. Wind his fingers through that perfect hair and pull. He exhaled, not knowing exactly what he must look like at that moment, but _feeling_ the heated threads of desire that were beginning to strengthen from within him. And Shuu must have recognized it for what it was, for his own gaze turned molten, gem-like eyes flashing in the relative darkness outside.

"Alright," Touka said, interrupting the moment. "I guess . . . I guess we would like that. Very much." She smiled as Shuu turned to face her once more. "Kaneki does deserve to always be happy." 

The comment brought a temporary halt to Kaneki's heated feelings, and he looked at Touka, who was already looking at him. He knew that, as much of a bind Hide and Touka were currently in over their wedding, had Shuu not appealed to their mutual want to keep Kaneki happy, they would not have given in. Their pride of being able to always take care of themselves was a big part of their identity. But greater than that was their love of Kaneki. And he felt his heart swell with affection for the both of them, these two friends that he sometimes felt he didn't deserve. He hoped that, one day, he could show the two of them exactly how much he loved them back.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please continue to be patient with me! :) And thanks for your support!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang I took such a long time to finish writing this chapter. Hope you like it! (*whispers* It has smut!)

Shuu made a call, stepping away from the table for a moment to make arrangements. It was the work of only a minute, for they were soon climbing back into the limousine again. The mood throughout the drive was a little subdued, a little less talkative than before. But Shuu, being as enigmatic as ever, turned the conversation back to Europe again and asked more questions of Hide and Touka about their honeymoon.

Kaneki had only ever seen the front of the illustrious Von Rosewald hotel, for he never had any reason to go inside. It was huge--occupying a considerable amount of space on the block, surrounded on either side by fancy restaurants. As they all got out of the limo, Kaneki paused to stare up and up at the building, seeing row after row of windows.

"How many floors?" Kaneki asked Shuu.

"Somewhere around 40, I think," he said lightly. "Shall we?"

There weren't a lot of guests in the lobby when they walked through, but the employees seemed to either recognize Shuu or had been informed that he would be visiting. A couple of them nodded politely in his direction, and the manager on duty greeted him with a "Good evening, Mr. Tsukiyama, sir." Shuu responded back politely, and Kaneki saw the manager pass Shuu what appeared to be a key of some sort. Shuu then strode across the lobby with purpose, leading the others up a short flight of stairs and into a large entryway.  

There, awaiting them, was a tall, attractive man dressed in a sharp, black suit. He looked to be around Shuu's age, and seemed to resemble him in some respects.  Kaneki saw it in their height, the angular shape of their chin. Something about their features seemed to be the same, too. Which wasn't surprising, for Shuu introduced them with--

"Kaneki, Touka, Hide. This is Nathanael von Rosewald. He is the events manager of the hotel, and as I mentioned before, my cousin." Here Shuu turned to his cousin, politely introducing him to Kaneki and his friends. He didn't bat an eye when Kaneki was introduced to him as Shuu's boyfriend, inclining his head politely to them all and shaking their hands. Kaneki wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not, but both Shuu and Nathanael seemed to be overly formal with each other. They barely met each other's eyes when speaking, and didn't seem to be delighted at each other's presence. It was a far cry from how Shuu and Kanae got along, for Kaneki often saw them speaking intently to each other, and on other occasions, exchanging knowing glances. As if they spoke in their own non-verbal language.  

When the introductions were complete, Nathanael offered them all some champagne. There were already four flutes of it poured out for them on a table, and they all graciously accepted the drink. Nathanael then launched into a brief overview of the facility, slowly leading them into a very large and beautiful ballroom.

"Wow . . ." Touka breathed, looking amazed and almost overwhelmed. "This is . . . it's beautiful." Next to her, Hide was looking just as impressed, and he glanced quickly at Kaneki as if to say, _What the hell, man?_

"Nathanael," Shuu said, interrupting whatever it was his cousin had been about to say, "Kaneki and I are going to take a look around. Please extend to Touka and Hide all of the hospitality that the Von Rosewald has to offer. They are very special guests."

Nathanael nodded and then turned to both Touka and Hide. "Ms. Kirishima, Mr. Nagachika, if you would follow me, please," Nathanael said politely, a shade more warmth in his tone of voice than when he spoke to his own cousin.

The trio began walking away slowly, and Kaneki could hear Nathanael speaking of capacity limitations for guests. He turned to Shuu inquisitively. "You want to take a look around?"

"Mmm. Yes."  He took Kaneki's hand in his, sapphire eyes sparkling. "I want to show you something."

Kaneki didn't feel bad leaving his friends, knowing that Shuu had left them in good hands.  So he let Shuu lead the way back out into the lobby and towards a bank of elevators.  He slipped a key into a lock on the panel, and then Kaneki saw him select the roof as their destination. He was intrigued, and turned to gaze curiously at Shuu’s face in an attempt to ferret out his motivations. But Shuu just smiled mysteriously back at him, and then the elevator was dinging, announcing their arrival at their floor.

The elevator let them out next to a short stairway.  Shuu reached for Kaneki's hand, and together they climbed a few stairs and then stepped out onto the roof.  The moon was already shining brightly in the sky, joining the hundreds or thousands of lights seen through the windows of adjoining buildings.  There was a slight breeze this high up, and Kaneki felt the first hints that fall would be soon approaching. Strands of his dark hair moved with the wind, brushing across his forehead.  

"Wow," Kaneki breathed, and now it was his turn to be impressed with the hotel.  For the Von Rosewald featured a rooftop garden, illuminated by soft golden light, and Kaneki was now walking among many beautiful flowers and plants.  He was overwhelmed for a minute, colorful flowers catching his attention all over the place and he didn't know where to look first.  

"It's amazing, isn't it?" Shuu asked quietly. Kaneki nodded, leading the way towards some roses. They were beautiful, red and vibrant. Some were almost fully bloomed, while a few were still buds. Kaneki extended his fingertips forward, feeling the velvety texture of their petals.  

"Those are Kanae's favorite," Shuu commented. Kaneki didn't reply. The mood between them was quiet, but with the subdued warmth of things either left unsaid or undone in the air. Kaneki felt it stirring in his ribcage, traveling like heated threads in his veins. It was the whispered promise of _later_ , binding them ever closer to each other.

They moved on, looking at row after row of flowers and plants, sipping at their champagne.  Shuu identified a few plants that Kaneki wasn't familiar with, but for the most part they continued to be quiet. Kaneki breathed in deeply, smelling the sweet and fragrant scent of lavender that was hanging over a nearby trellis.  

They finished admiring the flowers and moved to the side of the building, leaning against the wall there to look out at the city. Shuu framed Kaneki from behind, his arms coming to wrap around his stomach.  And Kaneki felt the growing need to say or do something, trying to examine the feeling.  It seemed to stem from Shuu first voicing his wish to help Touka and Hide with their wedding, that he wanted to make sure Kaneki was happy, no matter the cost. And that did something for Kaneki, adjusted some pieces inside of his still-bruised heart.   

"Shuu," Kaneki said quietly.

"Mmm?"  Shuu leaned his head forward, so that Kaneki could speak in his ear.  But that wasn't enough for Kaneki, so he turned around in the embrace so that he could face him directly. Gem-blue eyes were looking at him curiously, and Shuu lifted a hand to push some of Kaneki's hair out of his eyes.

"I wanted to say . . . to tell you that I trust you."  Kaneki paused, but he didn't take his eyes off of his boyfriend.  "That the last year has been incredibly difficult for me.  And . . . you've helped me to put trust in people again. To trust my own judgment.  I-I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you. You are--you’re magnificent."

The words didn't seem enough to Kaneki. But they would have to do, for now. And by the looks of things, it seemed as if his sentiment had hit home. For Shuu's eyes had gone wide, his lips parting a bit in surprise.

"I--Kaneki--" Shuu tried to speak, stunned into incoherency.  Kaneki smiled gently, winding his arms behind Shuu's back and trying to tug him closer. Yet Shuu still seemed to be at a loss for words, seemingly unable to gather his thoughts and vocalize how Kaneki made him feel by saying what he had.

"I've never seen you like this," Kaneki said softly, kind of amazed himself that just a few words could have such a monumental effect on Tsukiyama Shuu. _The_ Tsukiyama Shuu, son of a CEO of a major corporation, who met with demanding and important clients on a daily basis that surely required him to be able to think on his feet.

"I've never felt like this," Shuu countered. “About anyone.”

_Oh._

And then Shuu was leaning forward, connecting his lips to Kaneki's. Gentle were the sweet brushes of the touch, achingly slow was the kiss. Kaneki put everything he was feeling into it, all of the gratitude, the attraction, the trust.  Hands roamed over the softness of expensive fabric, exploring. Shuu shuddered against Kaneki at the intimacy of it, and moved back for a moment to look at him admiringly. Kaneki's warm brown eyes fluttered open, cheeks bright red with the fervor of their kisses.

They took a moment to look at each other, both feeling the shift in how they related to one another. It seemed as if the very air around them was wrought with the intensity of the moment. Shuu brought a hand up, his thumb tracing lightly over the seam of Kaneki’s lips, eyes magnetized to his finger’s movement.

Kaneki parted his lips, his breath warm on Shuu’s thumb. He could feel how things were starting to change around the two of them, how they had been changing for a while now. And though he wasn’t sure if he was totally comfortable with moving forward, with becoming more intimate with his boyfriend, he knew that he was now brave enough to try. That the trust he had come to develop in their relationship was something that they had both cultivated with time and with care.

With those feelings surging through him, Kaneki tugged Shuu closer, tilting his head up and standing on the tips of his toes. He was the one who kissed Shuu soundly, their bodies pressed close together. Shuu was shocked by the force of the kiss for the briefest of moments, before he too felt the synergy between them and responded to it. Tongues slipped into mouths, kissing became hot and heavy. Kaneki moaned at the sensuality of their embrace, their kisses, and Shuu felt a low heat begin to form inside of him at the sound of it. He pushed Kaneki against the wall of the roof, rubbing their lower bodies together in a very pleasing way.

“Hahhh,” Kaneki moaned again, tilting his head to the side. Shuu began working on his now exposed neck, smattering it with filthy, wet kisses, lightly sucking on the skin. He moved his hands down and around to Kaneki’s backside, pressing his palms onto Kaneki’s ass.

“Shuu . . . “ Kaneki’s voice came out as a wrecked whisper, his eyes lightly closed. “I want--”

But the sound of voices interrupted whatever it was that Kaneki was about to say, and both men quickly straightened out of the embrace and smoothed over their clothing. They both looked over to see that Nathanael had led Touka and Hide up on the roof, and was explaining to them the history of the rooftop garden.

It seemed as if they hadn’t been spotted yet, half-hidden behind the trellis. Shuu kissed Kaneki lightly on the top of the head, reaching down to twine his fingers with his boyfriend’s. They took a moment to calm their breathing, to adjust to the fact that they would be in the company of others soon. With a last tender glance at Kaneki, Shuu led the two of them over to the group, seeing the mixture of awe and excitement on both Touka’s and Hide’s faces.

“You have finished your tour, Nathanael?” Shuu asked, the formal tone back in his voice.

“Ah, Shuu, there you are. Yes, we have just concluded it.” Nathanael nodded to Touka and Hide. “I have consulted our schedule, and the only event planned for their wedding day is a monthly staff meeting, when we normally cater a small luncheon. However, that will be rescheduled for the following day, and so our ballroom will be available for the Nagachika-Kirishima wedding.”

“Fantastic.” Shuu looked at both Hide and Touka. “Was the hotel and its accommodations to your liking?”

“What wasn’t there to like?” Touka asked, incredulous. “It’s absolutely gorgeous.”

Kaneki showed Hide and Touka around the rooftop garden for a few minutes, while Shuu handled some details with Nathanael some distance away. Once Touka was sure that they would not be overheard, she turned to face Kaneki squarely.

“Ok, Kaneki. Is your boyfriend for real?”

“Huh?” Kaneki raised an eyebrow, caught off guard by the question.

“Shuu. Doing all of . . .” here she waved her hands around grandly, “this for us. Getting the hotel ballroom reserved for us. Letting us just pay what we would have had it been at Miranda’s. Is he for real?”

“Yes.” Kaneki looked away then, pretending to be absorbed in looking at some flowers. “He’s pretty spectacular, don’t you think?”

“He must . . . really care for you,” Hide said quietly, after a moment.

“I think you are right,” Kaneki said just as quietly. “Though I do not know why.”

Touka clicked her tongue at that and rolled her eyes, while Hide just shook his head.

“How can you be so smart otherwise, but not be smart enough to see yourself as you are?” Touka asked.

Kaneki had no answer for that, but soon enough, they were joined by Shuu and made for the elevator. During the entire ride down to the first floor and the limo ride back to the apartment, Kaneki’s mind wandered. He pondered Touka and Hide’s words for a few minutes, before pushing them away. Maybe it didn’t matter that he couldn’t yet understand Shuu’s affection and attraction for him. Maybe it could just be enough that it was there, and it made both of them happy.

Relieved to have come to that conclusion, Kaneki turned to gaze at Shuu’s profile, warm brown eyes taking the time to leisurely consider each aspect. Shuu’s smile never seemed to leave his face, so forthcoming, his joy at the events of the night quite evident. His manner was engaging, from the casual gestures of his hands as he talked to the way he threw back his head when he laughed. His lavender hair was still styled perfectly, his suit wrinkle-free. Occasionally, he would glance over at Kaneki and there was no mistaking the brilliance in his eyes, or the way he affectionately and tenderly massaged the back of Kaneki’s neck. Everything was just so beautiful about Shuu that Kaneki sometimes could not meet his eyes for an extended period of time without getting overwhelmed. A heated flush began to creep over his cheeks as he was left alone to his own thoughts.

Shuu was in the middle of telling a story about a wedding he had attended at the Von Rosewald some years ago. It apparently was a comical story--both Touka and Hide were laughing here and there--but Kaneki had heard none of it. Instead, he felt that longing feeling begin to churn through his body again. The need to kiss, to be kissed. Wanting to feel Shuu’s hands on his body, slowly making their way inside of his pants. A palm and fingers closing firmly around his cock, stroking him. Smooth lips kissing each and every part of his body.

Kaneki only took a second or two to consider his aroused state. Because even if he was still a little fearful, a smidge hesitant, that some part of him wasn’t 100% ready to move their relationship in that direction, he did know he wanted it. So badly. And he knew, without a bit of uncertainty, that it wouldn’t be _just sex_ for either of them. Because the events of tonight, more than ever, showed Kaneki just how much Shuu cared for him, and how Kaneki had come to care for him in return. How Shuu would never be someone he used as a crutch, never a bridge of sorts, as he coped with feelings of inadequacy and the past burdens he still carried.

Kaneki lightly laid a hand on Shuu’s thigh, right above his knee. Mid-story, Shuu turned to look at Kaneki with a smile for a second, happy to see that his boyfriend was initiating a physical display of affection. When he turned back to continue his story, Kaneki pressed his palm onto Shuu’s pant leg a little harder, beginning to massage the fabric with the tips of his fingers.

He couldn’t help it. He had pushed away these feelings of desire for months now, and they had risen full force to the surface again. And he was facing them full on, not running from them. So they had taken a hold in him, strong enough that he didn’t try and wait until they were alone to begin acting upon his passionate inclinations.

Shuu nonchalantly crossed his ankle over his knee, effectively hiding Kaneki’s hand from sight. But he continued to show interest in what Hide was currently talking about, even as Kaneki rotated his wrist downward so that his fingers could trail along the seam of Shuu’s dress slacks. Kaneki let his hand move back and forth slowly over the seam, getting ever closer to Shuu’s crotch before changing directions and heading back towards his knee. A sort of mischievous lust had taken root in him, and he smirked as Shuu pretended to shift his body. When in reality he only moved his far arm onto his crossed leg, to better hide Kaneki’s misdeed from his friends’ eyes.

There was just something so _forbidden_ about this kind of overt display in front of people that was turning Kaneki on. He wasn’t sure what kind of expression he had on his face as he continued to let his hand travel across Shuu’s leg, and he didn’t care. All he knew, all he could think about was that he wanted to be with Shuu intimately right now.

Kaneki could feel the thigh muscles in Shuu’s leg tense as he continued to lightly caress it. On the next pass back, he let his hand go a little farther, and it grazed the edge of Shuu’s cock. He was gratified to feel it was somewhat hard already, that Shuu was responding to the simplest of intimate touches. That Kaneki could make him respond in that way. It gave him a sort of powerful feeling, that he held the key to Shuu’s desires, and he wanted to tempt his boyfriend more.

The beverage console was next to Kaneki, and he set his empty glass of water in a cup holder. With what he hoped was a completely casual expression on his face, he readjusted his seated position, widening his legs slightly. Subtly being suggestive, though hoping Shuu was getting the message loud and clear about what he wanted.

Kaneki pretended to listen to the conversation that was continuing on without his participation, distantly pleased that his friends were now so comfortable around his boyfriend. Hide was in the middle of a comical wedding story of his own, at which Kaneki had been present. The bride had walked down the aisle, and as people were taking their seats once more, an older relative on Hide’s father’s side had miscalculated where her chair had been and had instead fallen directly on her ass. Both Hide and Kaneki had broken out in silent laughter, trying not to be loud. But as they continued to try and hide it, and then at seeing each other’s tears of mirth, Hide had found it necessary to flee the ceremony area for a couple of minutes.

Kaneki vividly remembered that day. But he didn’t hear much of the retelling. Because his thoughts were still a hazy cloud of wanton ardor, his skin tingling with tiny prickles of heat. He didn’t attempt to stem the tide of sexual thoughts that flowed through his mind. How he wanted to be on his back, feel Shuu between his legs. Then having it escalate, and the feel of Shuu’s smooth skin on his back. The touch of his hands on Kaneki’s thighs, holding him in place as he fucked into him. He felt the redness of his face, and loosened his tie with the hand that wasn’t still on Shuu’s thigh, then slowly dropped it in his lap so that it was covering his own growing arousal.

Beside him, he saw that Shuu’s eyes flickered to his face, and then down to his lap before effortlessly commenting on the story.

“This relative--I hope that she was not injured by her fall?”

Kaneki’s felt his own body relax into the seat, starting to feel a little impatient now, hoping they were close to the apartment. Hoping that Shuu would want to explore him, too, and the depths to which they could travel together in their lovemaking. Remembering the passionate and needy way that they had kissed in the garden rooftop of the Von Rosewald, Kaneki felt more confident that his boyfriend would be just as eager to continue behind closed doors.

Slowly, Kaneki let the pads of his fingers trail over the seam of Shuu’s slacks again, pausing here and there. He heard Shuu exhale through his mouth, and Kaneki allowed himself a smug smile of sorts, but didn’t turn to look at Shuu. He was thoroughly enjoying this game, this way of touching his boyfriend without Shuu really being able to react. So with a renewed vigor, his hand was on the move again, stopping right where he could feel the edge of Shuu’s aroused cock against the side of his hand. Barely allowing the two to touch. And then he began to gently massage his thigh there, firmly pressing his palm down and then following it up with curious fingertips lightly moving in small, circular motions. Against the side of his hand, Kaneki felt Shuu’s cock swell, responding to his intimately inappropriate touches.

The limousine came to a gradual stop, and Kaneki realized with growing anticipation that they had arrived at the apartment. He smirked, realizing that Shuu would have a hell of a time bidding Touka and Hide farewell with a hardon. But an awkward exchange was avoided, for Touka just waved at Shuu to stay seated, not really one for overly formal displays.

“It was wonderful to meet you,” Touka said genuinely. “Thank you--so much--for what you are doing for us.”

“Yes, thank you Shuu,” Hide added, eyes serious. “If there is ever a time that you need help with something, I will do my best to help you. No matter what it is.”

“It is my pleasure,” Shuu assured the both of them as the limousine door opened. Kaneki saw part of Yuuma’s profile for a moment, but then he was gone, leaving behind cool, late-summer air to seep into the interior.

“You coming, Kaneki?” Touka asked as she moved towards the door.

“No. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Touka nodded, satisfied. But Kaneki didn’t miss the knowing smirk on Hide’s face as he scooted over across his seat. Kaneki didn’t care though, and a few seconds later, the door shut behind his two best friends.

Warm brown eyes looked over at Shuu, and he saw that his boyfriend was already watching him with wide eyes, dark with want. Kaneki moved over, crossing what little distance remained between them, grabbing the back of Shuu’s neck. Without any words necessary, they began kissing intently, starting where they had left off on the roof of the hotel. They didn’t feel when the car began moving again, too busy focusing on the feel of lips against lips, the sound of quiet gasps between heated kisses, the faint taste of lingering champagne on each other’s tongues.

“Unghhh,” Kaneki moaned, impatient for more. He broke the kiss only to climb into Shuu’s lap, straddling him. It was impossible not to feel the heat gathering between them, the warmth of Shuu’s thighs that Kaneki felt even through the fabric of his pants. Eagerly, Kaneki surged forward again, their kissing becoming positively dirty now. Tongues pressed against each other, tame gasps becoming throaty moans. Kaneki could feel his lips becoming slick with their combined saliva, but didn’t care about that, either. He just felt the ever-pressing need to continue, for more. _Much more._

And Shuu seemed to be on the same wavelength. When Kaneki began to start grinding into his hips, their hard cocks rubbing up against each other, Shuu placed a hand on his ass, encouraging the movement against him. But it quickly wasn’t enough, for either of them.

“I want to see you,” Shuu murmured between kisses, dipping his lips down to press warmly against Kaneki’s flushed neck.

Kaneki continued to move on top of Shuu, reaching blindly for one of his hands. Finally latching onto his wrist, he pulled it closer, placing Shuu’s palm directly onto his clothed erection. "Touch me," he breathed out, eyes closing again, opening himself up to every single sensation in his body.

Shuu didn’t need further encouragement. He began stroking slowly over the fabric of Kaneki’s pants, tantalizing him just as much as Kaneki had done to him earlier. And it felt so fucking good for Kaneki, forcing shuddering breaths from his throat, feeling _wanted, needed._ And not only was Shuu palming over his cock, he had also begun to trace the outline of it with his thumb and forefinger, slowly and skillfully.

“More,” Kaneki said in an almost-whisper, feeling as if he were teetering over a precipice of pleasure, wanting that last push to fall into the abyss.

Shuu moved both hands to push Kaneki’s suit jacket off of his shoulders, and then began to work quickly at the buttons of his shirt. That done, Shuu held him by the hips for a moment, eyes roving over Kaneki’s pale skin, his heaving chest. But Tsukiyama Shuu was not a man to sit back and admire a banquet, he was one to dive in and consume what he desired. With a graceful fluidity, he brought his lips to Kaneki’s chest, pressing slow and deep kisses to the skin there. But he didn’t linger, wanting to explore all over, leaving behind a sheen of saliva everywhere he went.

“Mmm Shuu,” Kaneki moaned, aching to get his hips moving again. But Shuu’s hands were on the move, unbuckling Kaneki’s belt, unbuttoning his pants. Slowly lowering the zipper. And when Shuu finally brought his cock out, smearing his fingers with his pre-come, Kaneki thought he could surely cry with how good it was. How it felt like Shuu had reached inside of him and lit a match to the pleasure center of his brain and body, and now the fuse was gradually working towards its end.

Kaneki leaned back a little on Shuu’s lap, wanting to see his boyfriend’s face. And dear god, was he gorgeous. Stunning blue eyes, so often bright with the fire of determination at work, or gleaming with happiness when Kaneki did something especially affectionate, were now instead almost entirely black with lust. With only a small ring of sapphire as a circumference around the dilated pupil.

His lavender hair, usually styled into perfection, was starting to fall a little into his face, having become prey to Kaneki’s wandering fingers. A slight red flush highlighted his angular cheekbones, showing that he, too, was feeling the effects of desire, wanting more.

Kaneki exhaled slowly, admiring his boyfriend’s elegant beauty. But Shuu continued to gaze intently at him, slowly stroking his cock. Looking at him as if he knew exactly how it made more of Kaneki’s walls crumble to pieces, working him over so proprietarily, as if he had done this to him countless times before. And Kaneki could only meet that gaze for a handful of seconds before he had to look away. Because he couldn’t fully handle that intensity, wasn’t ready for Shuu to see inside of him--for what if he didn’t like what he saw? What if Kaneki wasn’t enough?

But Shuu didn’t seem to leave that up for an option. His other hand reached behind Kaneki and into his pants, cupping his ass with a firm hand. Holding his body from the front and the back, continuing to work his cock in a steady rhythm.

It had Kaneki yearning for more, but wanting to touch Shuu like that, too. Wanting to make him feel as weightless as Kaneki was, like the only thing he ever needed to concentrate on again was the build up of heat in his groin, the shared galvanization of their intimate acts. He even reached both hands down to Shuu’s belt, trying to undo it. But Shuu just shook his head gently, pushing Kaneki’s hands away with one of his own.

"For right now, let me take care of you," Shuu said quietly, resuming his attentions on Kaneki’s cock, but this time with greater fervor. And it became so liberating for Kaneki to just sit there on his boyfriend’s lap, releasing all of his inhibitions, and actually letting himself _feel_ the power of the moment, how it tore apart his hesitations and uncertainties. How it stepped upon his insecurities and grinded it to a fine dust. With each firm pass up and then down Kaneki’s cock, each breath became for him a shallow exhalation, desperately seeking air. Each kiss on Kaneki’s bare chest was like a hot brand on his skin, a reminder that it had been _so long_ since he had let himself feel like this with someone else, letting another man revere those parts of him that he kept hidden away so carefully.

He released that reminder too, as if it fluttered away with a strong wind. And it’s with that very frame of mind that Kaneki came with a shrill moan, spilling out onto Shuu’s hand and his own bare chest. His hips moved a few more times into Shuu’s hand before his shoulders slumped, his body relaxing after such a powerful release.

Shuu reached into one of his pockets and thankfully retrieved a handkerchief. He wiped Kaneki down first and then moved onto his own hand. Kaneki’s heart rate began to slow down, his breathing returning to normal. It’s that very moment when they felt the limousine slow to a stop, pause for a moment, and then move forward again once more.

They both knew what that meant--the pause must have been Yuuma keying in the passcode to the garage. Despite that knowledge, Kaneki didn’t move around in a hurry, still feeling the afterglow of an amazing orgasm. His fingers moved nimbly but unhurriedly to button up his pants and shirt, not bothering to tuck the latter in again. Because he was sure that Yuuma must know--must have heard--the mutual moans of passion arising from the back section of the vehicle. Strangely, this was not incredibly embarrassing for Kaneki.

Just as the vehicle came to a stop again, Kaneki finished buttoning up his suit jacket, and then ran a hair quickly through his hair. One look at Shuu was enough to show that he was as presentable as ever, hair smoothed over, face relaxed into one of casual composure. But Kaneki could see in his eyes that he was far from being done with him for tonight, and he shivered, anticipation beginning to build up again inside of him.

No words were exchanged between them as the door opened for them. Shuu bid Yuuma a good night, and then the two of them were alone in the elevator as it rose to the penthouse apartment that was Shuu’s home. Again, they were silent, thoughts of what had transpired in the limo swirling in their minds.

The elevator beeped pleasantly once they arrived on the top floor, and Shuu preceded Kaneki into the home. He led the way towards the kitchen, stopping to shrug off his suit jacket and draping it carefully across a chair. Kaneki leaned a hip against the kitchen island, admiring the breadth of Shuu’s shoulders from behind.

“Would you like something to drink?” Shuu asked quietly, half-turning his head to address Kaneki.

“Water.”

Shuu silently poured out two glasses of water, setting one on the counter near Kaneki. And he felt the tension between them continuing to build up. Shuu leaned against a different part of the counter, eyeing Kaneki over the top of his glass as he took a sip. His other hand tapped without any particular rhythm on the countertop. Perhaps betraying the turbulent nature of his thoughts that he could no longer conceal.

Kaneki saw it all, and he smirked behind his own glass, sure that Shuu saw it. He drained his water with a couple of long gulps, and then moved to the kitchen sink to set the glass inside. Without another look at his boyfriend, Kaneki started towards Shuu’s bedroom, further loosening his tie along the way. He let it fall easily from his hands near the entrance to Shuu’s room. And he knew Shuu watched him the entire way, could feel those sapphire eyes searing a scorching hole through his body as he walked. And just as he crossed the threshold, he heard the clanging noise of glass hitting metal, and then the sound of Shuu’s socked feet quickly following him to the bedroom.

He had time to take off his suit jacket and lie it on Shuu’s dresser before his boyfriend stormed into the room, his eyes tempests of color and emotion. Kaneki saw only that much before Shuu rejoined their lips, his eager hands again quickly undoing Kaneki’s belt, the fastening of his pants.

Kaneki gave in to it all, embracing the rush of such a beautiful storm. His hands moved needily to undress his boyfriend too, fingers brushing against the soft fabric of Shuu’s shirt and drawing it off of his body. Quickly, they found themselves bare in front of each other for the first time. Kaneki’s eyes roamed over the lean musculature of Shuu’s shoulders, the lines that separated chest from abdomen, and abdomen from hips. There was no time for embarrassment, only need, as his gaze turned even more downward. He exhaled slowly, and then reached forward, catching Shuu’s hard cock in his hand, giving it an experimental stroke.

The groan that came out of Shuu’s mouth was equal parts arousal and relief, as if Kaneki’s hand on him was the answer to all of those mysterious questions in the universe that go unresolved. They stood that way for a while without kissing, hands roaming over each other’s body, committing to memory the feel of smooth skin under searching fingertips. They eventually moved closer together, chest to chest, with Shuu breathing in the scent of Kaneki’s hair.

Minutes later, perhaps, they found themselves on the bed, their kisses turning slow and sensual. Shuu gently pushed Kaneki onto his back, moving his legs apart.

“You teased me earlier like this, in the car,” Shuu murmured, between a trail of kisses up the inside of Kaneki’s thigh, “and now, I want a taste.”

“Ennghhh. . . “ Kaneki moaned, back arching unconsciously at the feel of Shuu’s mouth enveloping his cock.  The air was heavy with the sound of Kaneki’s continued moans for a while after that, the sound of Shuu sucking on him, bringing him to full arousal once more. There was no teasing with the way he was worked over, with how Shuu held his thighs firmly down, only a pressing urgency for what would soon follow.

When Shuu moved off of Kaneki’s cock and retrieved some lube, Kaneki began to shift so that he was on his hands and knees, thinking it easier for the both of them. But Shuu saw what he was doing.

“No, Kaneki,” he said quietly. “Not like that. Not tonight.”

_Not tonight._

Kaneki flushed now, realizing how this was going to go. He wouldn’t be able to hide if--when--things got too intense for him. Wouldn’t be able to hold back a panicked expression when Shuu fucked into him, because Kaneki has always been an open book of emotion. And now the first signs of anxiety began to gnaw at the edges of his passion-fueled mind.

“I-I . . “ Kaneki began, hands tightening into fists.

“Let me see all of you,” Shuu said deeply, his hand smoothing soothingly over his upper thigh. “All of those parts you carry with you.”

Kaneki bit into his lower lip, closing his eyes. To show someone else how he felt . . . to not hold back. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to fully let go, because there would always be a part of him that would feel the need to mask those desperate emotions that he locked away each day. But he found himself nodding, regardless. He would try.

Shuu worked him open slowly, efficiently. Taking all of the necessary steps to minimize any discomfort Kaneki might experience. Kaneki kept his eyes closed for most of it, not because of pain, but because he knew this kind of sex was different than he had accustomed himself to over the last year. It wasn’t just fucking someone he picked up at a bar, so it took Kaneki longer to adjust to the levels of lovemaking that he and Shuu had crossed into. Yet his eyes would occasionally flutter open, gaze fixed on Shuu’s bicep and how it flexed as he worked his fingers in him. Or Shuu’s other hand pressing Kaneki’s thigh forward, noticing the small detail of how his boyfriend’s nails were neat and well-manicured.

“Do you want to?” Shuu asked some time later, pressing kisses into Kaneki’s neck. Giving him the opportunity to back out, should he have changed his mind in the interim. Granting him the ability to think for a moment without Shuu scrutinizing his facial expressions and pondering what they mean.

But Kaneki knew now. He was ready.

“Yes.”

Shuu pushed into him slowly, carefully. He gave Kaneki time to become adjusted to the shape of his cock inside of him. It was overwhelming for a moment--the heat on every surface of his body, the frenzied beating of his anxious heart, the feel of Shuu’s body hovering over him, blue eyes showing a great concern for his comfort.

He had forgotten what this had felt like, to be cared for in such a way.

The previous whirlwind of their kissing and touches was no means gone now. Instead, it had transformed into a heavy snowfall on a cold winter’s night, covering trees and houses and grass and _everything_ with layer after layer of unblemished snow. A different kind of storm, yes. But it was just as powerful, just as all-encompassing, completely passionate and whole.

Shuu began to rock his hips into Kaneki, the mattress forming around him from the combined weight of their bodies. His brown eyes were closed at first, but he felt the tendrils of impatience at himself creep into his mind. This wasn’t how he wanted it to go. So with a resurgence of tender courage, Kaneki opened his eyes, blinking up at Shuu.

Shuu took it all in, drinking in the trust that Kaneki now looked up at him with, the fragile vulnerability of his heart. He knew then, perhaps had known for some time, that he loved Kaneki Ken. Would do anything for him, should he ever ask. And despite never having felt this way, this strongly for someone before, Tsukiyama Shuu felt no fear. Only awe that he had traveled around the world, spent time in the company of so many, just to find the man he would fall in love with at Tsukiyama Group.

This imperfectly perfect, beautiful soul.

Kaneki must have seen the emotion in Shuu’s face, felt the now-stuttered, out of rhythm pace of his hips. Because he reached for Shuu, placing a hand on his neck and pulling him forward. Drawing him into a series of deep and unhindered kisses. It tightened something inside of Shuu, reveling in the intensity of the feelings he had felt for some time now.

Shuu firmly grasped Kaneki’s cock in his hand, feeling the familiar heat in his body beginning to boil, telling him that he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer.

“Shuu . . . “ Kaneki whispered, his head falling back down onto the comforter, but not breaking eye contact. “I-I’m coming.” And he did with a low moan, the warm liquid spurting out of his cock, coating his heaving stomach.

It was that very sight of Kaneki, eyes wide but clear, gazing up at him with a combination of trust and passion, that did him in. He came with a groan, touching his forehead down to Kaneki’s chest, hanging on tightly to his boyfriend’s hips. A few more thrusts drew out the rest of his come, and he took in a few shallow breaths before he could summon the energy to pull out and slump on his back next to Kaneki.

 _I love you,_ Shuu wanted to say, but didn’t. It’s not nearly the time for it, and Kaneki has already given him so much on this day. He would never push him into something before he was ready, as he had promised him many weeks ago.

Together, they moved sluggishly but with tender smiles on their faces into the bathroom. Tiredly, they took a quick shower together. And easily did Kaneki crawl into Shuu’s arms, falling into a quick and unburdened sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next chapter, oh boy. It's been in my head for over a year now. The start of . . . well, you'll see.


End file.
